Chapter 6
Light talked L into putting on his swim trunks while waiting for their lunch to arrive and he began to set up the Jacuzzi. He thought after lunch they'd relax in the warmth of the Jacuzzi and perhaps he could get L to relax and really talk about his feelings, no matter how much they might hurt to hear, L needed to get it out of his system completely.
They had lunch on the balcony with Light listening to more of L's time in Africa as a teen. He marveled over the fact that after more than five years living with him, there was still so much to him he didn't know. What he did know was how much he loved him and wanted him healed and that he would stop at nothing to achieve that. Watari had emailed him on his phone more information and ideas he could use, and he had decided he'd try today.
After lunch Light told him to go into the bedroom and get into the Jacuzzi, he'd bring snacks and drinks for them to have while relaxing. L nodded and headed for the bedroom and slowly got into the Jacuzzi. He had seen them before in some of the luxury hotels he'd stayed in before, but was too busy to ever pay any attention to them before. Now he wondered why he had never tried it before, the moment he got into it, the gentle movement of the warm water against him was immediately welcome. He sat down and let his head fall back against the back of the Jacuzzi and closed his eyes. His body was more tense than he had realized and it was almost painful for him to try and relax it.
He still felt guilty about how hard he knew Light was working to make him happy; guilty because it wasn't working entirely. Yes he was enjoying himself here with Light, but his mind was still buzzing about all the wrong things and he wished it would stop. He hated seeing and feeling that moment over and over; the moment the one person he loved was actually killing him. That everything he had shared with him hadn't mattered, he was still going to end up dead at his hands as he had planned it during the Kira case. But most of all, it was the anger he felt that was plaguing him and he knew it wasn't helping the other situation, but he couldn't help it.
"You're not falling asleep are you?" he heard and opened his eyes to find Light walking into the room, holding a bowl of strawberries, two glasses and what looked like a bottle of champagne.
"Where did you get strawberries?" he asked as Light set the bowl down in front of him.
"Ah well you can get anything you want from the Concierge if you tip well enough," Light told him laughing.
"I see," he said and smiled when he realized the strawberries were sprinkled judiciously with sugar. He grabbed what he ascertained was the largest one and took a bite, closing his eyes and sinking further into the water. Light smiled at him and poured them both champagne, knowing all L would do with his was dunk his strawberries into it, but that was fine. He then got into the water alongside of L, and gently kissed him, licking errant strawberry juice from his mouth. He let L relax some more, eating more strawberries and champagne, gently kissing him in-between bites and sips of champagne. After a while he decided it was time to get down to what was really bothering him.
"I think while we're here and relaxed, we should talk about things," he began and L looked at him suspiciously for a moment while reaching for more strawberries.
"What kind of things?" he asked as he popped another one into his mouth after dunking it into the champagne.
"About how you're feeling and why you're feeling that way," Light answered taking another drink.
"You know how I'm feeling and you know why. I see no reason to go over it again," L said and went for another strawberry.
"I know the reason why you're having flashbacks, but there are other factors here that you're not admitting to yourself or that you just haven't told me. I think if you let us discuss those things it will help with your healing." L stopped reaching for the strawberries and turned to face Light, a frown on his face.
"I don't understand…" Light smiled and ran his fingers through L's hair again.
"Yes you do, L. You're holding things back from me, about me or about us. You can't do that if we're going to straighten all of this out. We have to be honest with each other, you have to be honest with me." He watched as L's face clouded over, and he turned away and shook his head.
"No Light you don't want me to go there, you don't want to hear…they're just thoughts, feelings that will go away eventually, they don't mean anything and they don't matter any longer."
"Yes, we do have to go there. Obviously they do mean something and they're not just going to go away on their own. Now look at me, L." L slowly lifted his head and looked at Light. He saw the quick flash of Kira in his mind and closed his eyes and quickly opened them again to only see his Light smiling at him with love and determination.
"Why do you want to do this when things are so nice right now?" he asked him and Light sighed.
"Because it's not going to last unless we clear it up. I love you, we need to do this." Light pressed and L pulled away from him.
"No, I'm not doing this. What do you want me to say?" he began to move towards to crawl out of the Jacuzzi and Light grabbed him pulling him back.
"I want you to tell me the truth, I want you to look at it and then throw it away." L continued to pull away from him.
"You don't want me to tell you, don't make me hurt you, Light!" he cried and pushed him harder as he tried to get out. Light held onto him tightly, wrapping his legs around L's to keep him from kicking out.
"There is nothing you can say that would irreparably hurt me, unless you were to tell me that you no longer love me. You're not going to say that are you?" L shook his head violently and Light could see the beginning of tears.
"No…no I could never…I love you…but I…please Light…"
"But what, L? You love me but what? You're afraid of me? I know this, but what else L?" It nearly broke his resolve to watch as L began to crumble in his arms, his head falling forward until his chin nearly rested on his chest, unable to look at Light.
"Why are you doing this," he said in a whisper, "I don't understand…"
"Because I love you and I want you well again, no matter how much this hurts now we have to deal with this. You're afraid of Kira, of what he almost did to you and you can't get past that but it's not the only thing, I know it isn't. Please tell me, nothing you will say is going to change how I feel." Light told him and gently kissed his cheek. L pulled away from him and lifted his head, his eyes burning with anger and…was that hate? Light drew back from the ferociousness of his stare.
"What do you want to hear, Light? You want to hear that I am angry, so angry with you that it won't leave me alone?"
"Yes, that's what I want to hear if that's what you're feeling. Why are you so angry with me?" Light answered, almost afraid to hear the answer but knowing he had to.
"I'm angry because of all the people I had to fall in love with, it was the one person I should not have. You were the world's worst mass murderer, I was sworn to stop you, to bring you to justice and I…I loved you instead. I fell in love with the Light Yagami that was underneath the killer, while you forgot you were Kira and all the while I knew better, I knew I shouldn't that it was wrong but I couldn't stop it, I couldn't help myself. I tried, you have no idea how hard I tried not to, but…I couldn't control it and I loved you!"
Light tried not to let what he was hearing hurt him, he always knew it had been difficult for L but to hear it was even more difficult. He reached out to touch L's face and L drew back from the touch as he continued.
"When I watched you get your memories back in that helicopter, I knew then one of two things were about to happen; that I would be dead within days or I had to somehow make you realize that not only did I still love you, but that you loved me enough to stop being Kira and not kill me!" Light released his hold on L as he listened, and feared the answer to the next question he had to ask.
"Are you sorry you fell in love with me?" he asked and L shook his head, "Because I'm not sorry at all. If you hadn't…I'd be dead by now I'm sure and if I wasn't I'd be a murdering monster that I never meant to be."
"No…what we have is worth everything I went through, but it never seemed to be enough for you." L answered, the anger still present in his eyes.
"What do you mean not enough, it's all I've ever wanted…" L shook his head again.
"No, if it was then Kira would have died a long time ago. But no matter how good it was between us, he was always lurking underneath, waiting for his chance to come out. All the while it was you, Light. You never truly wanted to give it up and I knew it. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, you wouldn't let Kira go!"
It was Light's turn to look away. He had only recently realized that it was the truth, he had not let go of that latent desire to be Kira until it had nearly cost him L's life.
"I'm sorry," he finally said, "I wasn't truly aware that I was holding on to it that way. I mean I knew it would cross my mind on occasion but I didn't realize that's what I was doing. You can't really blame me if I didn't know." He finally looked up at L who was still seething, angry tears running down his face.
"You knew, Light. Perhaps you did not admit it to yourself, but there was a part of you that knew and only you know why you held on to it. Why did you hold on to it, Light?" he demanded, his face now only inches away from Light's.
"You want to know why I never destroyed the Death Note? Because I wanted you to WANT to not be Kira anymore, I didn't want you to just forget about it. I wanted you to love me more than you wanted to be Kira. It was not only because I was afraid of the possible outcome, that was also true, but I just wanted you to want it as much as I did!"
"I did L, I still do! God, don't you understand how much I love you? Why did I hold on to it, I don't know I…" Light stopped for a moment and truly thought. He knew why he held on to it, it was the one thing he had over L. "I guess I held on to it for the same reason we used to fight each other, that rivalry we've always had. Underneath it all, Kira was the one bit of power I had over you but I did fight it, I did when Mello made me realize…"
"When Mello made you realize…what if he hadn't? What if he hadn't been there when you wrapped your hands around my throat? You would have killed me, and then you would have been executed for murder. Nothing would have changed over the past five years, Light. I may as well have let you kill me back then as you had originally planned if it was going to end up the same way! Everything we went through, everything we fought for wouldn't have mattered. We would have ended up the exact same way. You didn't love me enough to kill Kira, you ran and hid behind him when things got difficult for you. You ran to Kira instead of me!" he reached up and took Light's face in his hands, wincing at the tears that ran down Light's face now as his words cut into Light as he feared they would, "This is why I can't get over being afraid of you, because how do I know that this isn't just another moment in time for you? We went for five years and still you couldn't seem to be happy enough with me to completely give up on being Kira. How do I know that this isn't the same and he'll come out again and this time, with no one around to stop him, he'll kill me. He'll kill us and everything we have, at least what I thought we had. I can't be sure anymore Light, how can I?"
Light looked down into L's tortured gaze, knowing he was right. He had run and hid behind Kira when things got difficult, when he knew L had found out what had happened between he and Miyano. Instead of trusting in L's love for him, he had retreated behind the safety and non-feeling power of Kira. He had never realized how much he had hurt L by doing that until now.
"Because I'm telling you he's gone! I know it was wrong to hide behind Kira before but I was so afraid I had lost you because of what I'd done that I just didn't think straight. I couldn't think of a life without you L and I just ran, but now I know better and I know that Kira's completely gone!" Light cried holding L's hands against his face, "I have never told you that before because I could always feel it lurking underneath the surface and I knew I wasn't strong enough to completely let it go. How many times did I beg you to destroy the Death Note so I would no longer feel it, how many? Don't you think I'd know the difference now that he's truly gone? Look at me L, really look at me. I am so sorry that I wasn't strong enough to completely destroy him before, I was stupid and I didn't really know I could. It wasn't because I didn't love you enough L, I couldn't possibly love you any more than I do!" he stopped long enough to try and get control of himself, and stop the flow of tears. He had known this wasn't going to be easy, but it was hurting him more than he had suspected because he had to stop and really look at what he had done and that he had inadvertently hurt L so badly.
L stared at Light, turning his pain-filled gaze into one of soul searching, the kind that most people couldn't tolerate but Light stared back, he wanted L to see that he was telling the truth, that he really had nothing to fear from him this time or ever again; there was no Kira.
L had done this before; searched Light's eyes for any signs of Kira, but this time something was different. First he saw the hurt that his words had caused, the hurt he had tried not to cause by keeping these feelings to himself. But now that they were out, he could see a completely different understanding in Light's eyes this time and there was no Kira. He felt his anger begin to drain from him, anger that he had carried for such a long time and hadn't acknowledged that he almost felt light headed as it melted away. He fell forward against Light's chest and heard Light release a deep sigh of relief when he did so, feeling Light's arms fold around him.
Light leaned down and kissed the top of L's head, burying his face into the mass of dark hair as he did so. Watari had been right; he had suggested that L was carrying more than he was letting on and that he needed to let it go. Light didn't realize until now just how painful it was going to be, but he had been determined to see it through for L's sake and he was glad that he had done so. He also hadn't realized there were things he hadn't admitted to. They were quiet for a few moments and L finally pulled away and looked up at him.
"What happens now?" he asked and Light smiled at him.
"Now you eat some more strawberries," he said reaching for one and putting it in L's mouth.
"Seriously, Light where are we now?" L asked after he swallowed.
"Exactly where we need to be, L. You can't tell me that you don't feel better now," he said and L nodded.
"I feel as if a weight has been lifted, but at the cost of hurting you…" Light shook his head.
"I'm fine, it was something I needed to hear. I understand where you are, I understand why you did some of the things you've done and why you kept some things from me," he sighed, "I also understand holding on to Kira was wrong and completely my doing and I'm so sorry," he added and L nodded then leaned forward and kissed him softly.
"I can't promise you that my automatic reactions won't still be there but I am sure I will be able to work on diminishing them now," he said and Light closed his eyes and nodded.
"That's what I wanted to hear," he whispered and captured L's mouth in a deep kiss, his tongue asking for permission and L happily granting it. Their tongues battled for dominance, Light finally allowing L dominance feeling he'd earned it and let him completely take over the kiss.
When they finally released each other, they leaned against the back of the Jacuzzi, lying in each other's arms, enjoying the feeling of cleared air between them. L finally looked up at Light and ran a hand through his auburn hair.
"I am feeling completely exhausted now which is unlike me, but I feel I need some sleep before we do anything else," Light nodded his agreement.
"I was thinking the same thing. If we fall asleep in here we'll probably drown!' he said grinning and then stood up reaching his hand down to L, "Let's go take a nap. By the time we wake up it'll be time for dinner and maybe we can catch one of the fireworks shows tonight," he laughed as L's eyes lit up with the idea of fireworks.
"I'd enjoy that," he said as he reached up to grasp Light's hand and they both stepped out of the Jacuzzi and into dry towels. After getting out of their swim suits they both climbed into the waiting bed, wrapped around each other.
"I love you, Light," L whispered as he felt himself drift into an emotionally exhausted sleep. Light held him tightly and whispered against his hair as he closed his eyes.
"I love you, L."