World 19
L watched as Light came back from the kitchen with wine, glasses, and the menu for the restaurants in the resort. Light then poured them both wine and sat back down next to him on the bed, handing him his wine and the menus.
"So, look through these and find something you want to eat while we wait for the Jacuzzi to get hot," Light told him as he poured wine. L nodded and flipped through the menus, picked out a few items and then handed the menus back to Light. His thumb went to his mouth as he tried to decide how best to approach the subject, listening as Light decided which items he wanted and verifying what it was that he had wanted.
"Okay, I'll call and…" Light started and then noticed that L was staring at him, his thinking mode definitely turned on.
"What's the matter, what're you thinking about so hard?" he asked and L took a deep breath before he started.
"Before you order dinner, I think we should talk," he began and Light looked concerned.
"Of course, but is there something wrong, are you okay?" he asked and L nodded slowly.
"Earlier, when I mentioned the handcuffs…" Light rolled his eyes and prepared to get up and make the call for dinner.
"Oh is that all, that was nothing. I'm just not sure about handcuffs that's all, I mean come on I lived in them for 24/7 not that long ago," he said with a smirk and L had to smile back but wouldn't be deterred.
"But that isn't why that alarmed you, Light and we both know that," he said reaching for Light's hand as he began to stand up, "It isn't fair that you help me through my problems and won't allow me to help you through yours. Please sit down and talk to me," he pleaded and Light turned to look at him, the words of denial on the tip of his tongue until he looked into L's eyes. He could see the determination to not be denied in them, and he could also see that trying to hide from him wasn't going to work anymore than it had worked for L when he tried to hide from him. He also couldn't deny that there was a part of him that wanted to tell him so he could hear that he wasn't broken for good from the one person it would mean the most to hear it from. His pride stuck in his throat though, not allowing him to voice the words he wanted to say. He was supposed to be taking care of L; he wasn't supposed to be in need of any kind of help. He wasn't brought up to admit personal defeat.
"I'm fine L, it's not that important it will work itself out. This trip is about you, about us. I'm fine." L frowned and shook his head.
"It cannot be simply about me if it is to also be about us, that's ridiculous," he pointed out, "We have both suffered trauma, we both need to admit that we have wounds from it. I have accepted the fact, now you need to do the same." He pushed and Light removed his hand from L's grasp and ran it through his hair sighing deeply.
"It was different for you L, there was more baggage involved with you which was my fault as well. What is bothering me has nothing to do with you."
"Perhaps, but it doesn't mean it isn't as troublesome or causing you as much pain. I already know what it is Light. You have never been at anyone's mercy before, never been unable to take care of yourself, and never been so close to certain death at someone else's hands. Kenji did more than nearly beat you to death which on it's own is incredibly traumatic, he humiliated you, put you in a position where you had to give up what you were to save someone else's life. Those handcuffs represent all that because that's how he kept you down, how he nearly broke you. That is the problem isn't it?" he said and watched as Light stared back at him as he spoke; how he could almost see the shields come down, as his shattered pride fell in pieces around him.
"I know how you feel Light. I have never been in a position where my mind was not under my complete control. It has taken a lot for me to understand that this was something I cannot really control; an absolutely unheard of situation for me. You have a sense of pride and self-confidence that excels my own; the difference being yours encompasses all things about you, mine only encompasses my mind and my ability to solve impossible cases. I love you Light, please talk to me and let me help you as you've helped me."
Light looked away from him and stared down at his wine, putting his hand back into L's grasp. It was different for him because it was more than just feeling the effects of what Kenji had done to him. It undermined his very existence in the relationship; he was the experienced one who was supposed to take care of the inexperienced L, in short he was the seme. Although L took the lead on occasion, he had been the one to initiate the relationship in the first place, he had been the one to take L's virginity and he was the one who was taking care of a traumatized L. He had told Watari that it was his job to take care of L, to handle his problems and he couldn't do that if there was something wrong with him, if he even admitted that there was something wrong.
He turned and gazed at L; how much more disappointment could L take from him before he began to think that this whole relationship wasn't worth all the bullshit he had to deal with. He knew how much L had suffered in order to save him from being arrested; and what had he given him in return? Constant fear that one day he was going to wake up and find a serial killer leaning over him ready to take his life; and then finally having it happen and having the person he loved the most try to strangle the life out of him. And now that same person who had sworn to take care of him, is now having difficulty taking care of himself. He couldn't admit to any more weakness, it could be the final straw no matter how much L loved him. He managed to plaster a smile on his face.
"No…I'm fine L. I admit the idea of being put into cuffs again slightly bothers me but I think that's understandable. I don't have a problem with what happened."
L's face contorted in pure fury, pulling his hand from Light's and jumping from the bed until he was nose to nose with Light; making the young detective start wide eyed.
"Stop lying to me Light, you promised never to do that," L hissed at him, "What makes you think you can lie to me like this when you demand the truth from me at all times!"
"I am NOT lying to you! I can handle this myself!" Light shot back once the surprise had left him, but L was not to be denied, no matter how hard this conversation was, he had to get Light to admit there was something wrong.
"No you can't! Light you were forced to undress, kneel naked in front of a man you knew was planning to kill you and worse, and accept whatever it was he had planned to do to you. You were helpless, powerless and at someone else's mercy for the first time in your life, you cannot tell me that this did not affect you! Stop trying to hide it from me and pretend as if you can deal with this on your own!"
"What makes you think I can't deal with this? Have I behaved in any way to make you think I'm having trouble with this? Haven't I been taking care of you the way I should?" Light yelled back.
The anger drained from L's face, as he understood what it was that was keeping Light from admitting any weakness at all. Being angry with him was not going to get him to admit anything; Light could fight anger with anger. He softened his gaze to reflect the love and worry he felt and lowered his voice.
"Yes you have. So why will you not allow me to do the same for you?" L asked him as he reached up and caressed his face. Light closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, the warmth of it breaking his resolve and allowing a shuddering sob to escape as that caress broke his shield.
"Because I'm supposed to be taking care of you right now," he finally said as tears began to roll down his cheeks, "How can I help you if there's something wrong with me? This is just one more problem I've caused you."
"You have helped me, Light. Everything you've done for me these past few days has helped me, but the most important thing was just continuing to love me as you always have. Did you not think that I would love you the same way if I knew something was wrong with you?" L asked him and Light shook his head.
"I hoped you would, but I've already disappointed you so much. I was brought up to not show weakness, to not admit I can't handle something but find a way to handle it instead. I have already allowed myself to be taken over by Kira, allowed him to hurt you, how could I show you any more weakness without risking losing you?" Light told him, his tears falling faster now.
"You Japanese and your impossible standards," L told him with a smile, "I love you Light, and there is nothing that could make me stop loving you, especially for something that was out of your control. The fact that you are even able to function after what happened is something you should be proud of. You walked into the NPA, knowing what everyone was thinking and you faced them down. Don't you realize how much strength that took? You have proven your strength, your Japanese upbringing should be satisfied with that, I know I am."
Light opened his eyes and stared into L's and could only see his love for him, and worry. There was no disappointment, nothing that said he was ashamed of him, only that he loved him.
"Tell me what else is troubling you about this, Light. Not that having trauma from what you experienced isn't enough, but something tells me there is something beyond that. Please tell me what it is." L prodded gently as Light tried to get control of himself.
Light turned away from him and sat back down on the bed, both of his hands reaching into his hair as he tried to calm down. He definitely didn't want to tell L this; what if he was right about his worst fear? Then what would L think of him?
L could see his hesitation and distress and it almost broke his heart. He hated seeing Light like this, but Light probably hated seeing him so upset as well before, but it had to be done. He had felt so much better after letting all of that out; he knew Light would feel the same eventually. He sat down next to him, drawing his knees to his chest and gazing at him.
"No matter what you tell me Light, I will love you just as much as I always have, you must believe this," he said quietly and Light nodded and took a deep breath.
"The worst part of all this L, is that each time things became…ugly…I hid behind Kira. The moment I was shackled, I couldn't…deal with what I knew was going to happen to me and I hid. When you told me you knew what had happened between me and Miyano…I fled to Kira. What's going to happen the next time I'm in a dangerous situation? Kira is gone, I can't run anymore. How will I handle it? Will I be able to handle it or am I going to completely fall apart without Kira to hide behind? During that entire investigation, when things became uncomfortable I drew on that part of me that eventually became Kira. Have I only been able to be a detective because of Kira? Am I useless now that he's gone?"
So there was the truth of the matter, L thought as he absorbed what Light had just said, he was afraid that his source of strength was Kira and not himself since he sank into it at times of extreme stress and that now without Kira, he would not be able to function properly. No wonder he didn't really wish to let it go completely, and why now it was so important to prove that he was able to do everything he had before, including taking care of him. L hoped he would be able to say the right thing, this was probably the most important thing he'd ever have to say to Light.
"Oh Light you know that's not true! The strength Kira had comes from you and is only magnified by his hate and his intense arrogance. Kira drew from the strength that you already had. There were many factors that allowed that side of you to gain control, but you don't need it to give you strength when you need it. You've deluded yourself into thinking you're only strong when you're Kira. That's not true, you're confusing strength with arrogance and not caring about what consequences your actions will bring. Light, Kira is not some creature that flew into you and then just recently flew out again. Kira was a part of you; and as such whatever strength he had is still inside you." Light turned and looked at him, as he digested what L had just told him. Suddenly his eyes grew wide and he shook his head.
"But then that also means that all that hatred of you Kira felt is still a part of me!" Light cried moving away from him, "What if…" L quickly moved forward and grabbed him before he could get too far away from him.
"Those feelings were manifested in order to protect yourself from me, to keep from being caught when you were under the influence of Kira. That fear no longer exists for that part of you to feed on. As long as you have let Kira go, you have also let that hate for me go as well. It is not lurking underneath to come out again, you have assured me that Kira is gone and with him the hate as well. Unlike your strength it isn't a natural part of you Light, it was created to protect Kira. Do you understand, Light? There is a difference between your own strength that Kira used and the hate that was created because of him!"
L watched as Light listened to what he told him and reasoned it out in his own mind. He knew the moment he understood and believed what he had been told because the hooded look in his eyes lifted, leaving them their normal honey color swimming in unshed tears. He fell forward into L's arms, the last of the tears finally escaping as he fell against L's chest. L held him tightly, rubbing his back and kissing the top of his head until he finally got himself under control and sat up, once again searching L's eyes for his true feelings.
"How can you still love me after all of this, after everything I've done to you?" he asked and L smiled at him.
"If I stopped loving you that would mean I had been wrong in loving you in the first place, and I am never wrong," L told him making Light laugh, finally breaking the tension in the air.
"This is true, you're never wrong," he answered and leaned forward to kiss him, L feeling that it was the most grateful, loving and desperate kiss he had ever received.
"I'm really glad you're never wrong," Light said after he released him, "I love you, L."
"If you truly loved me you would call for dinner, I'm starving," L told him as he reached for the bowl of strawberries still standing on the night stand, and Light laughed again,
"Oh, yea that was what I was supposed to be doing before you ambushed me," he said and L smiled slyly.
"Did you believe you were the only one who knows how to ambush? At least I didn't wait until you were wet before I did," he told him as Light got up and went to the phone.
" I figured it would be harder for you to get away if you were wet," Light said laughing and then dialed the phone.
L watched him for a few moments, his thumb going to his mouth. He was sure his trauma of being bound would fade in time, just as his own problems with his neck being touched was beginning to lessen. He was more concerned about Light's fears of being inadequate now; his pride had always been a large part of who he was. He could tell in the fact that he was not standing as tall as he usually did, that something was still bothering him. That there was a bigger wound than anything else he had suffered. He left the bed and walked to where Light was standing. He waited until he'd finished ordering and hung up the phone, and then wrapped his arms around him.
"I love you Light Yagami, and you will always be my seme," he whispered into his ear. Light's eyes widened in surprise and he turned to face him. No more words were necessary; he grabbed L and held him tightly, kissing him almost as hard as he did when they first came into the room.
"Thank you," he whispered and then began to push him back towards the bed, his hands beginning to roam L's body again.
"Not that I'm complaining, but our dinner will be arriving soon…" L reminded him as he felt the bed against the back of his legs and fell backwards onto it.
"They'll leave in front of the door, and if they don't we'll just order it again," Light told him and kissed him deeply, his tongue immediately attacking his, and L letting him dominate it completely.
"But I'm hungry…" L began to protest and Light reached over and pulled a strawberry out of the bowl and stuck it into L's mouth.
"Chew slowly," he told him, reaching down and beginning to stroke him, making L completely forget about his stomach, and be very glad he got Light to talk.