He had to keep telling himself Derek was pack. Derek was pack now. He wasn't going to hurt him. He couldn't. He wouldn't want to. Right? Right. Derek was pack. Everything was- Everything was not fine but he could deal with this. Most of him was sure he'd done the right thing. Peter had died today; briefly, both he and Stiles would want to be together. Jackson had to be strong now. He could be strong. Derek was still crying and for the longest, dizzying moment Jackson had no idea what to do. He didn't know what made him think of it.
"Hey," he exhaled, his free hand finding the back of Derek's neck. Derek's breathing cut off suddenly and silence permeated the room. Jackson bit his lip, sucking in a slip of oxygen. "Let me in," he said.
"It's a bad idea," Derek denied, head swaying slightly on Jackson's shoulder.
"Why?" Jackson questioned gently.
"I'm too volatile right now," Derek murmured. Jackson stamped down on his fear, toes curling in his sneakers. "I don't know what I'll do…my instincts," he cut off, shaking his head. Jackson closed his eyes, willing himself not to move. He forced his breaths short and even, gritting his teeth for a moment.
"We're pack. I'm your mate. Let me in."
"Jacks," Derek managed voice thick. Jackson didn't respond. He couldn't let Derek in first. Not when he was barely staying still. Not when he was barely keeping himself from panicking. All he could think to do was give Derek something else to focus on. It wasn't much but what did he have? It wasn't as if they had anything in common or any fond memories to share between them.
"I want to help you," he murmured. It was true. Derek was pack now. He wanted to help his pack.
"You hate me," Derek shot back, tensing before pulling away. Jackson didn't try to hold him, worried about how he would react. "With good reason," he added, rubbing at his eyes violently. Jackson willed himself to stay in the present. He couldn't get dragged under now.
"We'll deal with that later," he said desperately. "I know we have issues okay? But right now we have to just… We have to be together right now. You need me. I need you. Can we focus on living right now? Please?" Derek's reddened eyes narrowed as he took Jackson in, trying to measure him apparently.
"It's a bad idea," he repeated, weakly. Jackson gritted his teeth again. He crossed to Derek and yanked him forward by his jacket, hands clenching in the leather.
"I don't care."
Derek was the only thing to catch him. Vaguely he had the thought that Derek was right. It was a bad idea. The grief and guilt pouring out of Derek was crushing. Tears pressed against his eyes and he struggled to swallow. After a few moments he managed to regain his feet again. He stood, catching the back of Derek's neck and pulling him down. Jackson forced his fears away as he kissed him. Derek was pack. He wouldn't hurt him again. Derek's guilt only increased and Jackson kissed him harder, opening himself up and letting Derek in. Derek's emotions faltered, shock flaring into them. He was panting against Jackson's lips, trying to pull back.
"Wait-wait…" Jackson didn't bother replying. He kissed him again, pressing closer and pulling at Derek's jacket. Derek's body was coming to life under his hands and Jackson could feel it. Derek couldn't hide from him. Not now. "Jacks please…" One hand skated under fabric, up Derek's ribs and around to his back. Jackson curled his fingers before dragging them back down. Derek growled at the action. "Jacks," Derek pleaded. Jackson paused at that, forehead creasing.
"What?" Derek's lips pressed thin and he shook his head. Time slowed and lulled awkwardly as Jackson started to breathe again. He swallowed and blinked once, twice. Derek didn't speak and Jackson could feel every instinct to run crawling across his skin. He swallowed again, hands pulling back before moving to the edges of Derek's jacket and pushing it off his shoulders slowly. Derek released a sound at that. Derek's hands pulled him closer, sprawled heedlessly on his hips. Jackson tore Derek's shirt at the neck, impatient, skin beginning a pleasant burn. Derek growled, the sound well muffled by his chest. Jackson growled an answer without thinking. Derek's eyes flared blue at that and Jackson pressed forward to kiss him again.
They managed onto the bed in a tangle of limbs and loosening fabric, Jackson's skin thrumming with every touch. The connection was alive between them, confusing Jackson as he tried to keep his head above water. There was too much between them. He couldn't ignore the feelings, half of them were his own, but he could focus on Derek instead. The slide of his hand up Jackson's back. The hush of his breath against Jackson's cheek. He opened Derek's jeans carefully, hands inching the denim out of the way. Derek groaned against his lips, stilling slowly. Jackson was reminded suddenly of his first time. He was fairly sure he'd been drunk, the older girl coaxing him along in a darkened bedroom of a party. She'd kept moving, kept him distracted, kept pulling on him. He could do that he thought for a second. He could seduce Derek. Wasn't he already? He looked to Derek, half wishing it was dark, half wishing neither of them could see in the dark. He supposed they never really would have had an experience like that anyways. Derek spiked an eyebrow and watched him, chest rising and dropping as he panted through slightly open lips. For whatever reason, he didn't comment on Jackson's rapidly spiking emotions. Jackson supposed after a moment he was just returning the favor. "Come here," he exhaled, licking his lips. Derek only hesitated for a second. Then he was pressed flush against Jackson, kissing him hard, his hand at the back of Jackson's neck before ripping through his shirt and jeans in one swipe of claws. Jackson gasped and arched as he caught skin. Derek had already frozen, feeling the catch of pain as well.
"Sorry," he muttered. Jackson shrugged, a kneejerk reaction. He couldn't think.
"It'll heal." He tugged at the ruined layers of fabric, nearly falling backwards but struggling to stay upright.
Jackson didn't let himself focus on the fact that Derek had apologized. He was stumbling out of bed in the next moment, managing to step out of the last of his clothes before he made it to the bathroom. He rooted around in the cabinet until he found some KY, leaving the cap on the sink. Derek had finished shedding his clothes and watched Jackson's every motion. He took the tube as Jackson got back in and Jackson turned towards the headboard before pushing his knees further apart on the mattress. It was easier if he didn't look at him. It felt less strange. Derek kissed the back of his neck and Jackson jumped, he hadn't been expecting that. There was a flare of amusement and Jackson wondered if Derek would laugh. He didn't. Instead he found Jackson's hole quickly and thrust a finger inside. Jackson released a moan, head falling back as he clutched at the sheets. "More," he begged raggedly. He was suddenly, inexplicably desperate to have Derek inside him. The distraction must have been going well if it was all he could think about. "Derek more," he insisted, pressing backwards and nearly growling in irritation. Derek added a third finger but it wasn't nearly enough and Jackson did growl. It was a mistake. Derek's teeth were suddenly sinking into his shoulder, biting hard as he growled a warning. Jackson tried to still his hips, failing.
Derek growled again but instead of cowering in fear and trying to show his throat, as he should have, Jackson just started begging. The need was tight in his gut and he couldn't breathe with it there. He needed Derek. He needed him desperately. Somewhere in the haze of Derek had shoved in and spots danced in Jackson's vision as his body worked to open further than it could. He spread his legs but it was no use. He gave a slight whine and fell against Derek, whimpering as the motion only pushed the knot further in. Derek released his shoulder and lapped at the wound as he panted. Jackson couldn't help another whine at the pain, biting his lip. Derek's hips rocked against his a few times, hardly moving. Derek's arm wrapped around his stomach as the other moved to trace patterns across his skin. His fingers skated across Jackson's lowest ribs for a moment, wringing a gasp from him. "Fuck," Jackson exhaled, willing his body to relax. Derek kissed behind his ear.
"Sorry," he said, "I'm sorry Jackson." Jackson was shocked again, forgetting the pain for just a second.
"'S okay," he managed, tongue too big in his mouth.
"It's not. I'm sorry." Something sank in Jackson's stomach. They weren't just talking about this, right now. Derek's face pressed into his shoulder and he nearly flinched as Derek breathed unevenly against his skin. Jackson thought if Derek started crying again he was going to lose it. His hands fell on top of Derek's. He pressed back into the curve of Derek's body again. Sparks went off behind his eyes as Derek's knot finally settled in at the right angle and he released a long sigh. Words very suddenly were not possible at all and all he could manage was holding onto Derek.
His mate he reminded himself dizzily. His mate. He turned and searched blindly for a kiss, heat flashing when Derek's lips caught his. Jackson moaned into Derek's mouth, nearly euphoric. His emotions were all over the place but that was something to worry about later. One of Derek's hands released his before sliding down his thigh to grip his cock just above the knot. Jackson nearly howled in surprise, barely biting down on his lips in time. It hadn't been like this before. They hadn't been like this before. Jackson didn't know what to do with the information. He was still lost. He pushed thought away again, thinking about Derek. Thinking about Derek's body. Derek's hand stroked up, thumb circling the head of Jackson's cock. He groaned, breaking the kiss as his chin fell to his chest. He worked to breathe.
"S-Slow," he gasped. Derek's hand slowed and Jackson regretted the plea immediately. He couldn't help a whine of protest. Derek kissed his shoulder and Jackson could feel his lips curling. He frowned briefly, emotions shifting again. Derek's hips rocked against his as his hand continued up and down. Jackson's hand dropped to cover Derek's and he pulled faster as desperation found him again. Derek let him have what he wanted which Jackson had to admit was a bit surprising. Derek was barely able to move but it still felt amazing and Jackson was rocking back with everything he had, lip tucked between his teeth as he panted for air. It wasn't so bad like this. It was almost…he wasn't even sure he had a word. He didn't know if there was a word.
It was the last thought he had before everything went hot and tight and Jackson could only manage a weak moan as Derek followed him over. He went limp and Derek held him up with a firm arm around his stomach. Jackson just let himself rest, soothed by the connection with Derek for perhaps the first time. He had suggested it and Derek had done it and no one had died. He counted it as a success. Still, it was weird the way he could just reach out and feel Derek there. It was even weirder that-
"Oh," he said aloud. He shouldn't have said that. Not out loud. Now Derek knew. He knew that Jackson knew. Derek was still stuck inside him and Jackson really wished he wasn't. This was…horrifying. They were still connected, bodies flush. Derek didn't sever the connection. He didn't say anything at all. The only thing he did was press a kiss to Jackson's shoulder before resting his chin there. The action felt like an apology. There was so much Derek needed to apologize for, but especially this. He cared. Jackson could feel it. And no, no he wasn't supposed to. He wasn't allowed to. This was not okay. Sure there had been times Jackson hoped that someday, somehow it could happen. But at the back of his mind he'd always remembered what Derek had done to him. He'd always known it wasn't actually possible for Derek to harbor any feelings for him. But now… Now something else had gone wrong between them. Derek cared. Jackson didn't know how he was supposed to deal with that, not on top of everything else. He reminded himself to breathe. Peter would know what to do. Peter had to know what to do.
A/N: No editing, late as always, sorry as always, please don't hate me, okay bye.