Frozen Breath
Is he thinner? Is his hair longer? Did somebody shoot at him? Is he hurt? Where has he been? Is everything OK? Is he OK?
Thousands and thousands of questions rush into her head and make her dizzy. She's almost overwhelmed by her raging emotions. She's so glad he's back. She's so glad he's here. She's also afraid of the questions he may ask. What has he heard? What will he say? Why is he here? What should she do? What should she say? She tries to remain calm and assertive(like Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, said) as Ranger starts walking toward her. She can't take her eyes off him. He doesn't appear to be hurt. She's grateful he's not walking with a limp. She doesn't want to burst into tears in front of him. Even if they are happy tears. Lord, how she's missed him. How she loves him. How she needs him. Ranger sits down beside her. She blinks and winces as her crappy couch squeaks like a startled zombie under his weight. The corner of his mouth twists up a bit. "Hey," She gives him a feeble smile and finally says. He looks like sin in black. And he, as usual, smells like Heaven. "How's business?"
"Got a call from Morelli when I got back this morning." Ranger says in a tone she can't decipher.
She turns her eyes away. She doesn't want to talk about Morelli. She doesn't want to think of Morelli. Why can't Morelli just evaporate into thin air without a trace and cease to exist? So that she can forget about him, about that night, about everything. She still startles awake from her nap. She still feels ashamed. She still feels unsafe. She still feels unclean. She keeps her bedside light on all night long, and has started thinking about having her niece's old softball bat within reach. And she hates herself for being weak, scared and silly. She knows Ranger is still waiting. But she has no idea what or how to tell him. It's not that she was raped or assaulted. Joe did have her keys. And they were still in a relationship. Well, sort of. She was still trying to figure out a way to break up with Joe without causing any hard feelings, resentment, drama, or complicacy. And he did not actually hurt her. At least not physically. But still.
She wonders what Morelli said. She's dying to know but is afraid to ask. It wouldn't be anything pleasant, she's sure of that. It was probably a threat or warning. Or even heated accusations. She wants to know how Ranger feels about it. She needs to know what he thinks. She knows it sounds stupid, but her future does rely on his thoughts and decisions. She musters whatever courage she has left and turns to lock eyes with Ranger. It's now or never. She whispers to herself silently. She takes a deep breath. She opens her mouth. She hopes her voice won't break or crack.
"I was dreaming about you." She didn't mean to cry. But suddenly her tears are here. "And he...and I..."
She stops talking. She can't say another word. She tries, but she just can't. It's too much. Too painful. Too foolish. Too brainless. Too Jersey Shore. Too Stupid Stephanie. Quietly she weeps. She doesn't turn her head away. She doesn't resist when Ranger wraps an arm around her and rests her head on his shoulder. Together they sit in silence. Rex has stopped running. She feels better. And braver. But has she become smarter? Will she start making better choices? Does she know how to make the right decisions? Can she stop making mistakes? She dries her tears and blows her nose. She wishes she knows all the answers. She has had enough of the uncertainty of future.
"I pointed his gun at his head and told him to leave." She continues in a tiny, shaky but not totally unsteady voice. "But I didn't...I didn't...I didn't tell him that I...I...I love you." She falls silent. She doesn't close her eyes. She stares at the buttons of Ranger's shirt instead. They are all black, of course. Ranger's breathing doesn't change. He doesn't draw her near. He doesn't push her away. Somehow she still feels comfortable and safe. "And that I couldn't be with him any more. I didn't want to." She finally adds and starts to wait. She's never good at waiting. She has basically no patience. And she's also never good at taking "No" for an answer. She's terribly, extremely and fatally scared of being rejected. It seems that her failed marriage has left her forever scarred.
"You pointed Morelli's gun at his head?" Ranger asks, his voice even and smooth.
She gives her head a nod, not over-vigorously. Her heart jumps at the hint of slight amusement she detects. It wasn't my fault! She feels a strange urge to say, but doesn't get the chance to as Ranger starts to laugh. She can't help but smile. She simply loves it when he laughs. "I love you." Without thinking she says it out loud. "I really do."
"Babe," Ranger says, and kisses her. "I know."