Chapter 53 – Frustration

Previously…

EPOV

So warm…. I was having the most amazing dream. Bella and I were riding my Ducati along the dusty roads outside Vegas. But it was so warm. Too warm. I shifted, trying to get more comfortable.

"Eh-dward…." Bella's throaty, sleepy voice drifted to my ears in the darkness.

I froze. The events of last night came flooding back to me as I looked down at the gorgeous, naked woman I had pulled over me like a living blanket.

Oh my God! What have I done?

EPOV

What the fuck had I done? Bella said she wanted to take it slow. We'd barely gotten started and the insanity of the last month had us stalled at the starting line. I played on her sympathy and giving nature, allowing my fear and sadness over First's condition and the stress of dealing with the proxy fight overwhelm me. I broke down and cried. I told her I needed her. And Bella, with her kind heart and generous nature gave me what I told her I needed.

Fear of a different sort gripped me. Bella was going to resent what had happened between us. How could she not? She asked that we go slow. I hadn't even taken her out on a proper date! God, I was such an idiot. Our lovemaking should have been a culmination, not a Band-Aid.

BPOV

Bright light woke me in the morning. Late morning; maybe afternoon, I wasn't sure. Everything besides the time was clear, though; I knew exactly where I was—Edward's room.

I didn't open my eyes. I was too happy to change anything, no matter how small. The only sound was our breathing. I was comfortable, even with the bright light. Edward's warm skin was a delicious counterpoint to the room, made uncomfortably cool by the central air. Lying across his warm chest, his arms wound around me, felt very easy and natural.

His fingers softly trailed down the contours of my spine, and I knew that he knew that I was awake. I kept my eye shut and tightened my arms around his neck, holding myself to him.

He didn't speak; his fingers moved up and down my back, barely touching it as he lightly traced patterns on my skin. I shivered in delight.

I would have been happy to lie here forever, to never disturb this moment, but my body had other ideas. I laughed at my impatient stomach. It seemed sort of prosaic to be hungry after all that had passed last night. Like being brought back down to earth from some great height.

"What's funny?" he murmured, still stroking my back. The sound of his voice, serious and husky, brought with it a deluge or memories from the night, and I felt a blush color my face and neck.

To answer his question, my stomach growled loudly. I laughed at the timing of the sound.

I waited, but he did not laugh with me. Slowly, sinking through the many layers of bliss that clouded by head, came the realization of a different atmosphere outside my own glowing sphere. I opened my eyes; the first thing I saw was the column of his throat, the arc of his chin above my face. His jaw was taut. I could see his face.

He was staring at the ceiling above us, and he didn't look at me as I studied his grave features. His expression was a shock—it sent a physical jolt through my body.

"Edward," I said, a strange little catch in my throat, "what is it? What's wrong?"

"You have to ask?" His voice was hard, cynical.

My first instinct, the product of the last few years of overwhelming insecurity, was to wonder what I had done wrong. I thought through everything that happened, but couldn't find any sour note in the memory. I couldn't think of any part that would make him look like this—so severe and cold. What had I missed?

"What are you thinking?" he whispered.

"You're upset. I don't understand. Did I…?" I couldn't finish.

His eyes tightened. "How mad at me are you, Bella? The truth—don't to downplay it or tell me what you think I want to hear."

I was confused and didn't answer him. Why would I be angry?"

"I'm…so sorry, Bella," he whispered while I stared at him. "I have better self control than this. I should not have taken advantage of you. Our first time, it should have been about you, about us, not about me, my grief…my guilt." He made a low, disgusted sound in the back of his throat. "I am more sorry than I can tell you."

He threw his arm over his face and became perfectly still.

I sat for one long moment in total astonishment, trying to come to terms—now that I understood it—with his misery. It was so contrary to the way that I felt that it was difficult to process.

The shock wore off slowly, leaving nothing in its absence. Emptiness. My mind was blank. I couldn't think of what to say. How could I explain it to him in the right way? How could I make him as happy as I was—or as I had been, a moment ago?

I touched his arm, and he didn't respond. I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and he let me pull his arm away, but refused to meet my eyes.

"Edward."

Nothing.

"Edward?"

So, this would be a monologue, then.

"I'm not sorry, Edward. I'm…I can't even tell you. I'm so happy. That doesn't cover it. Don't be angry or worse, sorry. I'm really fi…."

"Do not say the word fine." His voice was ice cold. "If you value my sanity, do not say that you are fine."

"But I am," I whispered.

"Bella," he moaned. "Don't."

"No. You don't. Edward," I said, my voice rising in pitch and intensity.

His eyes met mine for the first time, his expression wary.

"Don't ruin this," I told him. "I. Am. Happy."

"I've already ruined this, all I can hope…."

"Cut it out," I snapped. "All this angst is unnecessary. If you could only feel what I'm feeling right now. Or five minutes ago, anyway. I was perfectly happy. Totally and completely blissed out. Now—well, I'm sort of pissed, actually."

"You should be angry at me."

"Well I am. Does that make you feel better?"

He sighed. "No. I don't think that anything could make me feel better now."

"That," I snapped. "That right there is why I'm angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward."

I continued. "Yesterday, I didn't know what to expect. The day started out so tense and then you won and everything was falling right into place. And then First got so sick. And you tried to push me away; you tried to send me home. Like my place wasn't with you when your family was involved. Then you let me stay. You let me help. And then, then you asked me to come here, to wait for you. When you came home, you needed me. You finally let me be there for you."

"Bella stop."

"You've barely touched me this last month…I wasn't sure if you still wanted me that way," I said, more to myself than to him. "Then it was just wonderful and perfect." My voice dropped to a whisper, my eyes slipped from his face down to my hands. "I mean, I don't know how it was for you, but it was like that for me."

His warm finger pulled my chin back up.

"Is that what you're worried about?" he said through his teeth. "That I didn't enjoy myself?"

I gave a half shrug and avoided his eyes. "I know it's not the same. You've had a lot more…partners than I've had. And, it's been awhile for me, but, well, I can't imagine it gets any better than that."

He was quiet for so long that, finally, I had to look up. His face was softer now, thoughtful.

"It seems that I have more to apologize for." He frowned. "I didn't dream that you would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasn't…well, the best night of my life. But I don't want to think of it that way, not when you were coerced."

My lips curved up in an unstoppable smile. "Really? The best ever?"

"Being with you was different for me. It was…more."

"It was more," I agreed. "It was everything."

"That doesn't change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you don't feel like I took advantage of you."

"What does that mean? Do you think I'm making this up? Why?"

"To ease my guilt. I can't ignore our history. Me, forcing you to do something you don't want to do, like when I wouldn't let you quit CE. And you, letting me off the hook when I make mistakes, like what happened at Stroke of Midnight at Halloween."

I grabbed his chin and leaned forward so that our faces were inches apart. "You listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didn't even know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable. I've not been this happy in years."

He touched the frown line between my eyebrows. "I'm making you unhappy now. I don't want to do that."

"Then don't you be unhappy. That's the only thing wrong here."

He took a deep breath and nodded. "You're right. The past is past and I can't do anything to change it. There's no sense in letting my mood sour what's left of our morning. I'll do whatever I can to make you happy now."

"Whatever makes me happy?" I asked with a suggestive arch of my brow. The effect was ruined when my stomach growled loudly.

"You're hungry," he commented, jumping out of bed and going to the dresser. He pulled on a dark t-shirt and pair of sleep pants but not before I managed a good look at his ass.

I slid carefully off his bed and stretched. I heard Edward gasp. Turning, I looked at him.

"Do I look hideous?" I asked, keeping my tone light.

He turned away from me. "No," he gritted out.

I turned to see myself in the mirror over his dresser. Oh! The term "freshly fucked" flitted through my head. Besides the fact that I was completely naked, my hair was tousled. Not knotted or matted, but fluffy and messy in a very he-had-his-hands-in-there sort of way. My nipples were responding either to the central air (unlikely) or his half-naked presence (very likely) and my lips were reddened and puffy from our lovemaking. Even my eyes were in on the look, more hooded and come-hither than they usually were, despite the best night's sleep I'd had in ages.

"Here." Edward pulled his shirt over his head and held it out without looking at me.

"Thank you."

I pulled the shirt on over my head and started searching for my panties. Edward left the room quietly. I found my underwear and pulled those on and then spent a few minutes picking up our clothes from last night, folding the things I'd be wearing home later and tossing his clothes into the hamper. I made the bed. If he wanted to strip the sheets, he could do that when I left.

I left the bedroom and stopped at his bathroom. He had laid out a new toothbrush for me on the vanity. I used it and then pulled a brush through my hair, taming the sex hair. I had a pony tail holder somewhere around here, but decided to just leave it down for now.

I followed my nose to the kitchen. I could smell bacon, eggs, and cheddar. Definitely cheddar. Edward stood in front of the stainless steel stove, sliding an omelet onto the plate waiting on the counter. The scent of the food overwhelmed me. I felt like I could eat the plate and frying pan, too. My stomach snarled. Amazing what a good work out could do for one's appetite.

"Here," he said. He turned with a smile on his face and set the plate on the island. I sat down and dug right into the omelet.

"This is really good," I told him.

"Thanks," he answered. He didn't turn back to me as he fixed himself an omelet as well.

I didn't respond, wanting to avoid saying anything that would upset him again. He finished preparing his breakfast and sat down next to me. We ate quietly.

I finished quickly. "Thank you," I said, leaning over to kiss him. He kissed me back automatically, and then suddenly stiffened and leaned away.

I gritted my teeth, and the question I meant to ask came out sounding like an accusation. "You aren't going to touch me again, are you?"

He hesitated, then half-smiled and raised his hand to stroke my cheek. His fingers lingered softly on my skin, and I couldn't help leaning my face into my palm.

"You know that's not what I mean."

He sighed and dropped his hand. "I know. And you're right." He paused, lifting his chin slightly. And then he spoke again with firm conviction. "I will not make love with you until I've honored your request that we take it slow."

The next few days brought some much appreciated news in terms of First's recovery. He wasn't out of the woods yet. Bypass surgery had been deemed necessary, but they were waiting for him to regain some of his former strength. I didn't return to the hospital, but Edward made time to visit; sometimes twice a day. Things had slowed down at work, but I knew he still felt guilty about leaving in the middle of the day to see his grandfather.

"No one begrudges you the time with your grandfather," I told him one day when he got back to work around two. He had asked me to join him in his office. It was one of my late nights since I had already spent time at the Literacy Project in the morning.

"I know," he said with a sigh. "I have some bad news."

My blood ran cold as my eyes flew to Edward's face.

"First…?"

"Christ, no! Bella, I'm sorry, I should have phrased that better. My grandfather is doing better every day. He's started complaining about the food, so he must have energy to spare."

My relief was palpable.

"What I wanted to tell you is that the family has decided to postpone the Alaska trip. The vacation was insured so they're not going to lose any money by pushing it back a few months. I hope you're not too disappointed."

"No! Of course not. The idea of going without your grandparents was making me uncomfortable anyway. This is a relief."

"You are amazing," he said simply.

"I know," I told him with a flirty smile.

He closed the space between us and kissed me. We'd shared a few innocent kisses in the office, behind his closed door, but nothing more. His sex embargo was already frustrating me. I hadn't thought about sex in the previous incarnation of our relationship. Well, much. I hadn't thought about it much. But since we'd actually consummated our relationship a few nights ago, it was all I thought about, it seemed.

Instead of breaking away after a short peck, Edward continued to kiss me. My mind went right to a very inappropriate place. I wasn't going to have at him in his office, but I decided to tease him a bit. I slid my hands up his chest, pulling my nails across the expensive material of his jacket so he could feel it through his layers of clothes. I didn't stop when I got to his shoulders, brushing my fingertips against his face before moving them into his hair.

He groaned quietly before breaking away. He raised his head and I took the opportunity to kiss him on the neck, right underneath his jaw.

"Ungh…. Bella stop," he begged. His arms seemed to disagree with his mouth as he wrapped them around my waist and pulled me closer.

"Stop what?" I asked him innocently, peppering kisses on the side of his neck.

"Stop…ungh…mmmmm." He had to pause in his request as his mouth made its way back to mine for another, longer kiss.

He broke away again. This time he was breathing heavily.

"Stop…molesting me."

I couldn't help myself. I burst out laughing at his choice of words. "Molesting you? I didn't start this little make out session," I reminded him, pointing back and forth between us quickly. "And, I'm not the one hanging on for dear life," I pointed out, indicating his arms, which were still wrapped around me tightly.

He chuckled. "What can I say? I'm like a drowning man trying to keep my head above the waves."

"Well, you need to sink or swim on your own right now. I have work to do."

Reluctantly, Edward let me go with an exasperated sound. I stepped back to increase the distance between us and to clear my head. He wasn't the only one drowning here.

"You're here late tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah, 'til nine."

"I'm going to put in a few extra hours today. Rose is bringing EJ in to see First this afternoon, so I'm not going back. I don't want to overtax him. He misses his great grandson and hasn't had a chance to see him since he was admitted. How about dinner?"

"Sure. What would you like?"

"You pick. Have it delivered around sex…six!" he quickly corrected himself.

I chuckled and shook my head. He avoided my gaze as he walked towards his desk. I hesitated at the door, a snarky comment hovering behind my lips. He was saved from my attempted humor when the phone on his desk rang. He glanced at me apologetically. I shrugged to indicate it was alright before opening the door and making my way back to my desk.

Angela was furiously typing away at her keyboard, so I went right to my seat and pulled out the files I was using. I had just turned to my own keyboard when I realized that Angela was looking at me. I smiled at her questioningly.

"You've got a little lipstick…." she said, pointing to the corner of her own mouth.

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks as I rooted around in my purse for a compact. A quick glance told me that Angela was being discrete. I looked like Edward had just had his way with me. I groaned in embarrassment, causing Angela to burst out in laughter. I shot her a dirty look. She held up her hands in surrender.

"I'd look the same way if it were Ben behind the door," she confessed.

"You…just…go back to work," I told her before standing up and going into the powder room off reception so I could fix my hair and makeup.

I may have been mistaken, but I'm pretty sure she made kissy noises as I closed the door.

"…it may well be asked how our conception of aim can be related to the present tendency to offer a variety of courses of instruction…"

My professor droned on and on. I just couldn't focus. Nothing he was saying was sticking in my head. He may as well have been speaking Latin. No, I would probably understand a few of the base words if he were speaking Latin. His voice was more like the unintelligible, "Wha, wha, wha…" of Charlie Brown's teacher in the old Peanuts cartoons.

I was so bored. I'd been taking this class for almost two weeks. Edward continued to obstinately oppose my attendance, a stance which gained him no points and resulted in me storming out of his office three days ago.

"Bella, would you be able to switch your schedule around? Bob Banner wants to set up lunch and he specifically asked if you'd be attending. I told him I'd ask."

"I can't switch…" I started, but he cut me off.

"I'm sure my mother wouldn't mind if you left for two hours to have lunch and then came back. Angela said that one of those temps we had in the office when we were dealing with the proxy fight was pretty good. She can put in a few hours here so you don't fall behind."

"No, it's not your mom, Edward, it's my class. I can't switch my class." I made little air quotes when I said "switch." Edward hated air quotes.

He sat back and looked at me.

"This is important Bella. Banner's account is valuable. His defection from Whelk freed up some of their resources so they're currently doing an adequate job servicing Jose Molina and Harry Greene. Adequate, not stellar. Anything we can learn at this lunch could be pivotal in Cullen winning those accounts in the near future.

"I understand that it's important, Edward, but…."

"But you have class."

"Yes."

"Quit."

"Excuse me?" I wasn't sure what he was suggesting. Was he telling me that my job was on the line?

"Quit the damn class Bella. You don't think that I can't see how tired you are? Working here full time, putting in hours with the Lit Project, and going to school."

"I'm not going to quit. I'm not going to put my future on the line."

"You're future is here! Or with the Literacy Project. Not in front of a classroom. You hate the coursework and you'd hate teaching."

"I do some teaching at the Lit Project," I objected, my temper rising.

"And you do it well, without formal training. Why are you being so stubborn about this?"

"Why can't you see it's important to me?" Hot tears were pricking at my eyes and I spun around and stormed out before they could escape.

Esme was less negative, but I could tell that she wasn't thrilled with my class either.

"Bella, do you remember Mrs. Holsten? She was one of the donors we sat with during the dinner last year."

"I remember her."

"She's curious about our progress and I know she's very impressed by you. Could you make some time to join us for a little informal presentation one day early next week? She said that mornings are best."

"Oh, I won't be around in the mornings next week. I have two more weeks of class."

"Of course." She paused, "I wouldn't ask you, if it weren't important. I'm sure that someone else could do the presentation if you'd be able to throw it together, perhaps over the weekend?"

"Esme, it…it's just not a good time. I'm doing a whole semester's worth of work over the course of four weeks. I'll be done with my class soon and then I'll be more flexible."

"Will you? Aren't you taking two classes in the fall?"

"Yes, but they'll be at night, so my days will be open."

She pursed her lips. "I did want to talk to you about your work schedule in the fall. As you know things are going very well, in part thanks to you. I don't know how you do it, working full time for Edward and still keeping up your hours with me." She shook her head slightly. "Anyway, it is likely that we'll be able to bring the quarter-time staff up to half time." She said this last with a brilliant smile. I know she thought I'd be thrilled.

Normally, I would be, but the hours I was putting into my schoolwork right now made it hard for me to think of adding something else to my already overflowing schedule. Edward was getting a little pouty about how little private time we had as it was.

"More hours?"

"Yes. You'd go from ten hours a week to twenty and double your current salary!"

"That sounds wonderful," I said slowly.

"Isn't it?" Esme started talking specifics about a PR campaign that we'd been tossing around a little. With my extra hours we'd be able to make it a reality. However, all I was thinking was where I would find the time."

Despite the fact, or perhaps due to the fact, that Edward hated the idea of my continuing my education, he wanted to celebrate the weekend after my final.

"What are you plans for the weekend?" he had asked early in the week of my final exam.

"I'm not sure. Your mother mentioned doing some work on a PR campaign. I might get it started this weekend.

"Is it time sensitive?"

"Um, probably not. I have two weeks before the fall semester starts so I'll get it done at some point."

"Would you spend the weekend with me? I'd really like to spend some alone time with you, Bella. Please? What time will you be done with your final?"

"Early, actually. I should be out before 11. What would you like to do?"

"It's a secret. I think you'll like it."

I was curious and excited about the two of us spending the weekend together. Honestly, I was starting to think that our night together was nothing more than a dream. A very good dream, but a dream nonetheless.

I spent my barely there spare time studying for my final, but the handwriting was on the wall. I'd need to ace the final with a very high grade to get a B+ for this class. I needed at least a B+ to attain the GPA I needed to remain in the course of study.

A small voice that sounded suspiciously like Edward was starting to nag me. It told me over and over again that this course of study simply was not for me. I caught myself browsing the PR classes listed in the Fall Course Guide. Media Relations Management, PR Ethics…there was even a Public Relations Writing class.

Shaking myself, I buried my nose in my text and promptly fell asleep.

Unsurprisingly, I left my final satisfied that I did okay, but sure I didn't ace it. I was tempted to wallow, but a text message from Edward amped up my curiosity instead.

rileys stopping by ur place to help u pack for the wknd. ill see u around 3.

When I stepped off the elevator on my floor, I could see Riley trying to pick the lock for my apartment.

"What are you doing?"

He started and dropped what appeared to be a metal nail file, which he scooped up and shoved up his sleeve as I walked towards him.

"Hello, Beautiful!" he belted out, innocently.

"Uh-huh. Hello, Riley."

"Is that anyway to greet your bestie? Look! I brought you clothes!" He indicated a wheeled red leather suitcase with a flourish.

I sighed, taking my keys out and unlocking the door. "C'mon in."

I got us both drinks and headed to my bedroom where Riley was "tsking" over the state of my closet.

"Where did you get these things?" he asked with a shudder.

I'm sure my expression was one of bewilderment, "You gave me almost everything in there."

He snorted. "I gave you this stuff last year," he commented, as if the fact that the clothes were a few months old meant they were destined for the junk heap. He had unzipped the suitcase and laid it on my bed. I glanced inside and found a pretty floral patterned top and espadrilles.

"Riley, where are we going this weekend."

I swear he squeaked! "I can't say, but it's soooooo romantic. Even you can get lucky."

I snorted. It seemed unlikely. Edward was careful to keep our physical displays of affection strictly under control. He was most affectionate in places where he knew we couldn't take things too far, like in his office or in public.

"Keep snorting like that and it'll never happen," Riley commented snidely under his breath while still flipping through my closet.

"It already did," I said quietly before slapping my hand over my mouth when I realized what I had just admitted to him.

In 1997, the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration detected an unidentified sound, off the west coast of South America, in the Pacific Ocean, which was repeated several times. It's considered the loudest sound heard on the planet and has been dubbed "Bloop."

I had just discovered its source.

The sound that came out of Riley once he processed my admission caused me to cover my ears and cringe in pain. Before I knew it, he was at my side. He threw his arms around me and continued to squeal as I continued to cover my ears. He pulled on my arms to try to say something to me, but I resisted, afraid of the damage he'd do to my eardrums.

He finally got the hint and stepped back. He made a big show of pantomiming locking his lips and stuffing the key in his pants. He stood before me, lips jammed together, a hopeful expression in his eyes.

Slowly, I lowered my arms. Riley's eyes grew wider and brighter.

"It happened the night his grandfather was admitted to the hospital."

Riley inhaled audibly. I was afraid he'd burst, as he didn't seem to be exhaling.

"It was amazing," I added.

He finally exhaled, his expression morphing from one of curious excitement to tender glee.

I sighed. The memory was bittersweet for me. It was before our lovemaking that I knew I was in love with Edward, but his insistence that we wait left an ache in my chest. He didn't love me.

Riley sensed my change in mood.

"Beautiful?"

Tears came to my eyes unbidden and poured silently down my face. Riley pulled me to him made soothing shushing sounds. I can't imagine what he was thinking.

"It was just that one time, Riley. He hasn't touched me that way since. I…I don't know what to think. He said we need to slow it down…I don't think he feels about me the way I feel about him."

"And how do you feel about him?"

"I love him," I whispered.

Yes, the morning after scene in Edward's bedroom was taken from BD. Fanfiction, you know. After all these years I still love the source material.

So, donations… I'm making a few. I'm submitting the smexing scene from EPOV to Fandom Fights Tsunami so make a donation and see what Edward was thinking when it all went down. I'm also donating something, I don't know what, to the Fandom for Sexual Assault Awareness. I'm taking suggestions. Send me a PM and let me know what you'd like to read! It doesn't have to be THTF-centric.

An update to the timeline. The final scene of this chapter takes place on the last Friday in August. The prologue takes place mid-October.

I added subscription capabilities to my blog. Pop over and sign up and you'll get an email when I update with teasers and so forth. http: / ironictwistisntitironic. blogspot. com. For those who saw the teaser for this chapter on the blog, sorry about that! The photo teaser obviously didn't make it into this chapter. Consider it a very early teaser for chapter 54.