A/N: Thank-you to everyone who has commented, followed, and favo(u)rited. This story isn't perfect but it has been a lot of fun to write. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd appreciate your comments.

This chapter is a lemon. Or rather, it's lemon-y and hot. Like hot water and lemon.

There we go.

This chapter is lemon tea.

Joel woke up before sunrise. He pulled a sheet of newspaper off his cheek and checked on Ellie, who was sleeping a few yards away from him. Her short hair had a light frizz from the rain. Joel's brown jacket was draped over her waist. Karla and Thomas were huddled together in the back corner, and Ethan lay on his own, his back against the wall and a machete touching his fingers. A dim, grey light made its way through the dry clouds so that Joel could creep to the door without stepping on anything. Before he closed the door behind him, he saw Ellie's eyes open under her still-damp fringe.

'I'll be back,' he whispered across the room, then closed the door behind him.

The air was sticky, but the chill was refreshing. Joel pressed his cold hands to his neck to try and wake up. The muscles of his back were tender, and they winced each time his bones put any pressure on them. There was a fist-sized bump blooming on the back of his skull. A back tooth was looser.

He walked through shallow puddles and studied his surroundings. Everything was still. Not even the birds were awake. He walked through the flat streets and looked for something to hunt, but there weren't any bodies of water in view and the foliage only peppered the yards. There were mushrooms and red berries in certain corners, but Joel was sure that if they didn't kill him, they'd at least make him sick. And he had to be strong. For Ellie.

The night before, raindrops had covered her soft, naked neck. Strands of her uncropped fringe had tickled her lips, which were dark pink with windburn. He memorized how they moved. Goddam, she's beautiful, he thought to himself, trying to remember the last time he used that word.

Joel had never called Tess beautiful, though she was in her own way. Giving Tess compliments almost felt like an insult, as if she needed them, as if she weren't stronger without them. Instead, Tess smirked when he told her what she did to him: she was more interested in results than qualities. You got me achin' for ya, Boss, he had said against her temple as he pinned her against the peeling wallpaper with his hips. Her hot breath could leave a damp circle on his cheek. I can feel that, she had said. She opened for him and arched her pelvis against the top of his thigh. Once he unbuttoned her shirt and her sucked on her breasts, she was halfway there. He'd pull her jeans down, unbuckle his belt, and wrap her legs around his waist, then fuck her against the wall just like that, with her tit in his mouth, until he felt her fluid trickle down his balls.

A couple of one-night stands flickered past as he thought back to his first years in Boston. One woman, whose dark, bushy hair caught twigs in the wind, had confessed that her youngest son recently died without his medication. Because he couldn't express his empathy, he licked her cunt. Another girl—a curvy, blonde teenager—begged him to fuck her before her first shift as a solider. Alex, her name was. Nineteen. They came together in Joel's bed. He never saw her again. That wasn't long before Joel gave up on the system and started looking for trouble—looking for ways out of the walls.

Then it hit him: the last time he used that word, beautiful. Tommy had just announced that he was joining the Fireflies. Joel had cracked a knuckle having missed Tommy's face and punched a desk. Marlene drew her pistol and told Joel to get the fuck out before he lost the Fireflies' last scrap of sympathy. You make a beautiful couple, Joel had said sarcastically before he backed out of the apartment that he and Tommy shared.

Water had crept under the masking tape that held Joel's sneakers together, Joel remembered. The pond had appeared in the cracked square after a particularly loud shout of rain and the Q.Z. flooded. Joel paced through the square, through the pond, wishing he knew where to find a drink. Other people and soldiers peppered the roads around him, borrowing the fresh sunshine, but Joel kept pacing, muttering to himself, thinking of all the reasons why Tommy was an idiot.

There's nothin left savin'. Not for me, Joel thought. Yes, he admitted that he wanted his world back, but not in the same way Tommy did. Joel wanted Sarah back; he couldn't give a shit about television or highways or voting. When someone reminisced about steak, Joel cooed along for fun, but he dreamed about other things. Blonde things. Grey-eyed things. Mud-covered things in striped socks, who played his guitar like a drum and who sprayed cream on their cereal when he slept through breakfast. He dreamed of Sarah's damn near-perfect report card and of her chance of being the first person from his side of the family to finish high school. Sure, we can go on, Joel had said to Tommy in his head. But hot water ain't gonna make it any easier. Ration cards ain't gonna stop the nightmares. But go on, be a Firefly. Be a plain-clothed soldier. Fight for freedom. Shoot a few kids on the way.

When Joel finally stopped moving, he saw a flash of color in the cup of a traffic light. He was sure the light told him to slow down, even though the lights didn't work. He walked back onto the road so that he was facing the box, which sat high above his head. There were sticks covering the center globe. A nest. An orange wing lifted into view, then lowered again. Unthinkingly, he titled his head back, uncharacteristically curious toward the vibrant feathers in the cracked structure. A small orange bird with a black head—a robin or an oriole or something like that—jumped onto the edge of the nest. How 'bout that, he had thought. That nest wouldn't last long if the city still ran the roads. Someone from Council would scoop it up, and probably separate the babies from their mother in the process. They'd die without her. There, Joel decided that there was beauty in the monstrous world, beauty that would never have lived, that couldn't survive in the world Tommy fought for. And now, he knew, one of those beautiful things was Ellie.

As he memorized girlish beauty of Ellie's bare neck and rosy lips, as they sat in the gutter in the middle of a brewing storm, Joel had thought that she would not only try to leave him again, but also, genuinely hate him. To save himself, he rambled pathetically. He wasn't quite sure what he was saying, but he was thinking that she was the only beautiful thing in his life. The only thing keeping human.

He knew that he shouldn't have kissed her, but at the time, it didn't seem like a kiss, but more like he was tasting her or talking without speaking. He wasn't stroking her hips; he was exploring her shape. He wasn't rubbing her breasts; he was… Joel's penis twitched at the memory. What the fuck is wrong with you? She's a child, he reminded himself. But mature and strong. A fighter. Tender. Sweet… Every move he had made last night was a physical expression of how he felt and thought. He only wanted to be as physically close to her as they once were in other ways. Any gap between their flesh was a chance that she would leave again. Look for the light, he mused. She's the light.

When he'd first opened his eyes, after he'd thrown himself off the bridge, he thought that Ellie had come back, that she needed him again. Maybe their trek wasn't supposed to bring Ellie to the fireflies, but to him. Now that he was sober from the pain and confusion, he realized that it was dumb luck that Ellie hadn't made it too far away from Tommy's. Either way, he wasn't letting her go again.

Obviously, Ellie was doing better alone than Joel was, though he wasn't sure what her plans were. Pick up wanderers? Stumble across the country looking for Fireflies? He couldn't understand where her mind was leading her. It'll lead me to hell.

Joel remembered the shame on her face as they strolled back to camp last night.

We can't… It's never going to happen, Ellie had said. Not for us. Not for me.

She had sat cross-legged in front of him. The moonlight was trapped in the tears on her chin.

That's not what I want, Joel said from the floor in front of her. I just want you, exactly as you are. The rest don't matter. He corrected: Not if it means you runnin' off again.

How do you want me, Joel? she asked in a harsher tone. He knew what she was referring to.

Whatever way I can, he admitted. It sounded disgusting as it rolled off his lip. He had to turn away. For a moment he saw himself as old man in front of a young girl. I mean… whatever you want… He couldn't make the words fit. How could he tell her that he loved her as a guardian and a friend but wanted her body against his? How could he be close to her and be her lover without taking advantage of her—without ruining her life? How could he protect her from himself? He couldn't. And then he realised that the only reason why Ellie had kissed him in the first place was because she didn't care enough about him to risk ruining their friendship—relationship—whatever it was that remained. It was already ruined. If you come back to Tommy's, Joel said, I'll leave you alone. I promise. I'll always be here for you, but I won't… I won't push you… I won't do anything to you. You have my word, baby girl. I shouldn't have—

—Okay, Ellie had said. She didn't sound satisfied, but she was firm. We'll pretend this didn't happen. I'll go to your brother's. Her spark had drowned in the rain.

Joel wasn't upset by their resolution. She'd be nearby. Maybe one day they could rebuild. He could teach her to swim and play the guitar, and maybe one day she'd like him enough. She must be humiliated right now, Joel guessed. Best give her some space.

After the sky turned pink with sunrise, Joel crept through a colonial house with a caved-in roof. He guessed that not many others would risk going scavenging through the place. Inside, he found two cans of tinned spaghetti, and he headed back to Ellie.

He opened the door gently, though it creaked, and he held his hands out as he entered. Everyone but Thomas was awake and they jumped at Joel's presence.

'It's okay,' Joel said with a smile. 'I caught breakfast.' He crouched and unpacked the two tins.

'It's amazing anything's left,' Karla said. She seemed more confident around him than she did yesterday. In the light, the purple smudges under her eyes and a deep scar across her chest punctuated her paleness.

'Good going, Joel,' Ellie said. He intentionally didn't look at her.

Joel cut off the tops with a shiv. 'You should know,' he began, still squatting over his backpack, 'Ellie and I know where you're going.' Ethan and Karla froze. Joel tipped his head forward in a gesture of goodwill. 'It's okay. We get it. I know the people who run the compound. We can get you there.' The two visibly relaxed as he spoke. 'But I can't promise what will happen. I'll let 'em know you're decent people.'

'What's the plan?' Ethan asked. He folded his arms and moved forward.

'Maybe we should check this area out better. Then we'll meet back here and get going. I'll take the keys if that's okay.'

Nobody objected so they shared their spaghetti. Thomas sat by Karla and stared at Joel.

'How you doin'?' Joel asked. Thomas smiled. Karla tousled his hair.

Creepy kid.

When the group split up Joel didn't mean for Ellie to follow him. He walked a few steps ahead of her and pretended to study the street, but her presence was making him nervous: especially when they passed the bus stop. He adjusted the revolver on his belt.

'Do you want your rifle?' she offered.

'This'll do me,' he said.

'Do you want to check these houses on the left? There are some rooms I haven't been through yet.' She sounded perkier than she did earlier.

'How 'bout we split up?'

'Is there somewhere else you want to go first?'

'We'll get through this faster if you check on your own.' Joel turned to her. Her eyes had turned a paler shade of green. 'It seems safe enough out here.' He rolled his sleeves to his elbows.

'Where are you going to be?' Her cheeks flushed, making her freckles stand out, and hair still frizzed in the front. His hand stuttered as he thought about combing her hair back with his fingers.

'Around. Might check cars for gas.' Her dark lashes flickered against her stray fringe. I wonder what her hair would look like after a long night together… All in tufts at the back… stuck to her sweat at the front… 'I won't be long,' he said, already turning away.

'Okay.'

'Alright.'

Joel crossed the street and headed down a dead-end. He trudged through overgrown weeds, which pushed through clumps of concrete that once made up a driveway. He found a bucket, cut up a hose, and siphoned a little gas, though it seemed watery. Once he had half a bucket, he headed back to the car and filled her up. No one had returned yet. The clouds had cleared and birds of prey circled high up. His jeans were almost dry. Out of habit, he looked at his cracked watch. Ellie should be back.

Joel jogged up to where he'd left her and checked the surrounding houses. 'Ellie!' he called, but not too loudly. She'd only hear him if he were very close. Joel jumped through the broken window of the only two-storey house on the street. Ellie's backpack was on the kitchen bench. Then he heard her voice, distantly, like she was talking to someone upstairs. He began climbing the carpeted stairs but stopped halfway. He heard her make short moans, which were gentle, but deep. What the hell? He kept his back against the wall. She made a frustrated grunt and something dropped against the floor. Then he heard a disappointed sigh.

'Motherfucker…' he heard her say sadly. He almost laughed at her tone.

He began walking up to her again when he heard his name. 'Joel,' Ellie said. He would've thought that she was calling him if she hadn't said it so softly. 'Joel,' he heard again, and his eyes rolled back for a second during a slow blink. He wanted to hear her say his name into his neck. Joel, just like that, Joel. Although he wasn't sure what was happening with Ellie, he was sure that he shouldn't be there since he was growing hard.

'Ellie,' he announced himself.

He stomped so that Ellie could hear him coming. The door to the room she was in was open, so he waited in the hallway.

'Ellie, I was looking for ya. I'm out here.'

'Joel?' Her voice was definitely more alert now. He heard her walk up to the doorframe. She poked her head out and stood in front of him.

'Hey,' she said. Her face was smooth and her clothes were in position. Instead of explaining, her mouth twitched and she grinned awkwardly.

'Is everything right? Your backpack's downstairs.'

'Yeah…' She scratched the back of her head. 'I was reading.'

'Ready to go?'

'Sure.'

She moved around Joel, and as he held his hand out, she jerked back.

Jesus, calm down, kid. I wasn't gonna grab ya.

'You're not bringing your book?' he reminded.

'Right,' she said, looking to her untied shoelace. She turned back into the room. After Joel had folded his arms, she returned with three thick books held to her chest.

'This is the part where you ask me what I was doing,' Ellie said.

'You were reading.'

'No I wasn't. Not then.'

'Ellie, I don't give a damn. Keep moving.'

Joel turned but she stepped in front and faced him. He considered walking around her, but her stare turned him to concrete.

'Do you know how alone I am?' She spoke as though she were explaining herself.

And this is my fault? 'I never left you,' Joel accused.

'You fucked up everything, Joel. You fucked up everything. You should be nothing to me, but we're so in sync, and that's confusing, and my life sucks in every other way. It's like I've lost my mind,' she continued in a mock-masculine voice, 'and you can carry on being Joel.'

'You don't think I'm goin' crazy?'

'Not like I am.'

He wasn't sure why they were mad with each other.

'Well maybe you think this is unique to you, but I got news for you. When someone is your friend, and you want to be close to them, and you want to clutch them to you as hard as you can, things get confusing.' He could feel himself saying 'fuck' between each word, but instead, each syllable was a punch. 'You're supposed to have crushes; that's normal—'

'I don't just have crushes, Joel. I loved Riley. I know how I feel.'

Joel felt something in his stomach and something in his head jerk simultaneously. In another world, a bucket of cold water was dumped over his head. He didn't know Ellie had a boyfriend—a girlfriend—before. She wasn't as inexperienced with love and everything that came with it as he thought. Quickly, his brain processed Ellie's implication that she might love him too. Regardless, he pushed through his speech. 'That's normal, but I am older; I have a responsibility to you, which is bigger than whatever this,' his hand waved between them, 'is.'

Ellie made a frustrated sound and began to pace away from him.

'Don't walk away when I'm talkin' to you.' He followed her.

'Holy shit. Joel cares what I think,' Ellie said as she kept walking away.

As he chased her down the stairs, he created images of Ellie with a girl her age. The other girl had mousey brown hair and Ellie's freckled. This other girl, Riley, kissed Ellie's cheeks one at a time. Where he expected to become horny, a surge of gravel ripped through his shoulders, beckoning him to break something. If this girl were here, he'd tell her not to treat someone so soft and impressionable like a disposable toy. Keep the hell away from her, he thought to himself. At himself.

God-fuckin-dammit!

Ellie swiped her backpack as she passed the kitchen bench. She muttered, 'I don't need these,' and left her books on the bench.

Joel grabbed her arm and pulled her so that she was facing him. Her mouth and eyes opened wide in a blend of horror and disgust. Joel dropped her arm, but she had already started warning, 'Don't fucking touch me!'

'I'm not! Goddammit, are we gonna keep chasing each other? Is this our life now, huh?' Joel couldn't keep himself from yelling. 'Why are we fightin?!'

'Because it's all we can do!' Ellie yelled back. The double meaning of her words left them both breathless. The anger quickly faded, though the tension remained. 'Isn't it?' she asked. Her lips became small and pouty and her eye lashes glistened.

'Ellie…' Joel trailed off.

'Yeah?'

He shrugged. 'I don't know.' Looking at her untied shoelace, Joel reached out for her hand and brought it into his. Each of his rough fingers clasped around the tiny hand. 'Look at that,' he said.

Ellie looked at their hands, not impressed. 'What?'

'Just thinkin' 'bout how beautiful that is.'

Ellie's frown melted into gentle neutrality and her eyebrows rested over her eyes.

She rarely saw him unguarded, without sarcasm and blunt authority. But the way his hands played with hers made him younger. Even his anger, she now realized, was his weakness, not his strength. Despite his willingness to guide them, he was just as lost as her.

Earlier, before she had heard his voice in the hallway, Ellie had tried quench her need for him, still lingering from the night before. The pirate in her romance novel quickly became grey-haired and plaid-shirted. As the hero lifted his lady's skirt, Ellie walked her fingers into her jeans without unzipping them. She slid her wetness up to her clit and began to tease herself, but she couldn't relax.

Now, though, Joel's light strokes across her palm sent feathery chills up her arms and down her spine. She meant to pull her hand away, but she forgot her purpose. She figured that as long as she wasn't moving, she was still winning this fight.

Joel bent over while he lifted her hand and left dry kisses on her wrist. His mouth moved over her fingers and he kissed them gently too. Shivers travelled through Ellie's chest and stomach and forked down her thighs and along her crotch.

'Touch me, Joel,' a voice said. She felt hypnotized, and again, tired, but this time she didn't want to take control. She wanted to be loved.

Without lifting his head or looking at her, Joel moved his kisses up her arm, which were becoming wetter, as if he were organically following his own train of thought, as though Ellie hadn't said anything. He rolled up her sleeve as he went, and Ellie was grateful that he had the arm that wasn't scarred. As he opened his mouth around the inside of her elbow and sucked, one of his thick arms reached for her waist and pulled her a step closer. Ellie moved her hips toward his, so Joel lowered her arm and took her face in both his hands. Dry pinches of skin scratched her sensitive cheek, but the tips of his fingers in her hair sent warm spells over her scalp. Dust drifted around his worn face and his brown eyes, which searched for an answer for what they were supposed to do.

Ellie needed to touch him and please him as though she were touching herself. Her hands ironed over his broad chest and teased the thin black hair creeping out from under his collar. The top button of his shirt clinked against her nail as she undid it, and Joel made a stifled moan as his hands dropped to her shoulders. She liked the weight of his arms pressing there, so she undid the next button, and admired his messy torso and twisted groan. He gave her uneven, grateful smile and gripped her shoulders. Instinctively, she moved into his hands and arched her back; she never had a massage before. Joel chuckled.

'You're mighty cute when you sigh like that,' he said.

'Yeah? You think they could make dolls to look like me?' she joked.

'Ahh…' Joel laughed.

'What?'

'Well I'm sure there's a doll somewhere that looks like you.' His shoulders shook but he blushed and shook his head.

'What?!'

'I'll explain later,' he said, then embraced her neck with wet lips. It tickled, so she scrunched her neck to her shoulder as a reflex, but once Joel's tongue warmed her skin, her shoulder rolled away and she moaned. Almost immediately she felt warm liquid leak around her labia.

'Oh, god… How are you so good at that?' Her hands wrapped around his chest and gripped his back.

'I'm not,' he murmured into her neck. 'I'm just listening to you.' He nibbled down her jugular and pulled the neck of shirt back so he could taste her shoulder. His hair, fluffed from the rain, brushed her face. His hair smelled of grass and his odor almost smelled like wet-dog, but it comforted her. She remembered being snuggled up to him the night they spent in the radio tower and how she wanted to rub his smell all over her.

'I didn't… I didn't say anything,' Ellie said.

'You flinched,' he said in between bites on her shoulder, 'so I kissed harder.'

He ran his tongue over the inside of her ear slowly and Ellie's whole body trembled. Since when were ears sexy?

'Right now,' he said in his deepest voice, 'your hip's grazin' my thigh.' Ellie glanced down. She hadn't realised that she was struggling to push their bodies together. 'So,' Joel continued, 'I know you want me to do this.' Suddenly both his hands grabbed her ass and pulled her against him. The hard bulge in his pants pressed into her bladder.

'Shit, this isn't working,' Ellie said impatiently. 'I'm too fucking short.' She looked down at where their jeans met and bit her bottom lip.

'I gotcha,' he said as he slipped off the red shirt that hung over her long sleeves. Together, they pulled her cotton top over her head. Feeling the cool air on her breasts for the first time in days, Ellie hoped that Joel would put his hands over her black bra to cover her. Rather, he shifted his weight back and his mouth dropped open slightly.

'Ellie,' he said though his breathing. 'Well…'

Ellie's face and chest heated. 'What?' He was either going to say something really nice or reject her.

'Well, you're bigger under that shirt than I thought.' His face stayed fixed in concern and shock. Ellie's jaw clenched together. What did that mean?

Joel snapped into a hearty laugh and his eyes crinkled.

'Fuck you!' Ellie pushed his chest then folded her arms to cover herself.

'Just messin' with ya. Figure you deserve a little somethin' back.'

He grasped her forearms and dragged them to her sides. A massive smile stayed spread across his face and bared his off-white, perfectly straight teeth. Why is he so happy all of the sudden? Again, he brought his hands to Ellie's face, but this time, he ran his palms over the top of her head and flattened her hair down. His eyes scanned her hair as he groomed her. She felt like she was being pet.

He really looks happy. As she giggled at his motherwork, she noticed that she had slipped out of her dream-like apathy too. Here she was, with Joel, as if they were joking on the road, except she was shirtless, inches from his hard chest, and they knew almost everything about each other.

The pulses between her legs pumped harder.

'Remember what I said before?' she asked.

Joel tipped his head to the side and tightened his eyebrows.

Her rush of affection and need for him made her self-conscious. She enclosed her hand around the scar on her right arm. 'Touch me.'

Joel's face smoothed and he stared at her with attention, as though he were trying to make out the atoms in her lips. One hand cupped her face while the other brushed her lips.

'Will you lie down with me?' he asked.

Ellie gulped, but trusted that he guessed her intentions. 'There's a bed upstairs.'

He let her take his hand and lead him to the stairs. Ellie shook a little as she looked ahead. This would be the first time she'd be close to him, or to anyone, without being drunk on fear or anger. At once she was scared of Joel's size and strength, but excited by his experience. He'll look after me. By the light but steady way he held her hand, she could guess that he cared about her.

They reached the doorframe of the room Ellie was in earlier, and she dropped Joel's hand. She twisted around to check his expression, and his tight eyes burned. She climbed onto the double bed whose fitted sheet was relatively spotless, since the windows up here hadn't been smashed. Although the sheet was dusty, it was cleaner than the floor downstairs. Ellie leaned back on her arms and lay her legs out straight in front of her. She crossed her ankles. Joel waited in the doorway. He was framed by the mocha bookshelves on either side of the door.

'Room for me?' He leant against the door in what Ellie guessed was meant to be coy, but his open shirt, mussed hair, and flexed shoulders made her uncross her ankles and bring her thighs up gently. She parted her feet but her knees met in front of her chest.

Ellie exaggeratedly looked around the bed. 'Umm. Nope. Nope. Nope. Yes, we have room for one more.' She tried to smile but she was too nervous. Joel didn't laugh at her joke but strode to the edge of the bed and crawled up to her. Ellie was dizzy. He kissed her lips lightly for a second, giving Ellie a chance to control the pace, and then he was pushing her back onto the bed. His torso shadowed her, but his legs lay on the mattress at her side. His tongue opened her mouth and rubbed her tongue. He let her into his mouth so Ellie could explore him. He tasted of the tomato sauce in the spaghetti they ate earlier. Her tongue couldn't get deep enough so she held onto the back of his head and kissed him harder. When he broke away to breathe, he chuckled lightly. The seam of his shirt hung under Ellie's face and she could see his chest hair dip into his dense stomach. Wanting to kiss his scar, she began unbuttoning the rest of his shirt, and Joel hovered steadily above her as she did.

'Fuck,' Ellie sighed as she ran her hands over his chest and stomach hair and his almost-purple nipples. Fiddling with his collar, she pushed his collar over his shoulders so that his shirt hung off his elbows. Joel sat on his knees and pulled it off his muscular arms.

Ellie bolted up onto her knees and kissed him hard and fast. She tiled her head to the side to let him in deeper and he ran his tongue over hers, trying to get as close as possible, trying to fill each other with their own spit. His arms clutched her back and ass to him, and Ellie felt his soft chest hair against her bare stomach.

'Don't get me too worked up,' he said as he moved his mouth to her neck. Electric tentacles tingled her nipples and stomach, and her clit twitched. 'I can't do much about this,' he said looking down at his bulge. Joel began licking the tops of Ellie's breasts in his own frenzy while she massaged the back of his neck, not letting him move away. His chin pulled back the left cup of her down he took her nipple into his mouth. The breast, which was barely more than a handful in Ellie's petite hands, half-disappeared under Joel's spiky lips. He sucked on the flesh around it then flicked her nipple with the tip of his tongue, gradually moving faster. Again, Ellie tried to grind her clit into Joel's jeans, but she moaned in failure.

'Take off your bra,' he said hurriedly as he unbuttoned her jeans and pulled the zipper down. As Ellie's black cotton underwear appeared between the 'V' of her zip, Ellie pulled the training/sports bra over her head. Joel's hands around her vagina drove her wild and she leant back on one of her arms while the other hung her weight on his shoulder.

Fairly roughly, Joel pushed Ellie flat on her back and pulled off her sneakers and socks. She lifted her hips as he edged off her jeans. Ellie lay in front of him, naked except for her underwear. The pattern of her ribs pressed through her skin as she sucked her stomach in. Her nipples were small and tight.

'What are we doing, Joel?'

'We're havin' each other,' he said as he cautiously moved closer, his chest rising and falling. 'Closin' the gap.'

'But… what's going to happen now?'

'Just relax, Ellie.' He sighed. 'I'm not going to take us any further than this.'

'Okay…'

He nibbled on her bottom lip until she lay down and parted her mouth. Her spine turned to jelly as she enjoyed being selfish and let Joel feed himself to her. Their chests inched together as Joel lowered onto her and rested his hips between her thighs. Because his hips were as wide as hers, she had lay higher on the bed and lift her legs up slightly so that he fit within her limbs. His stomach chafed her slit and Ellie pulled tufts of his hair as she rolled her hips.

'Did you ever think about me? When we were travellin'?' he asked between planting kisses on the bone between her breasts.

'Yes,' she groaned unselfconsciously.

'What'd you think about?'

'You… Holding me… Kissing me…' she said. He sucked on her nipple. 'Teaching me how to swim.'

Joel hummed through a giggle and pulled her underwear to the side, running a finger along her wetness. 'Ah, Jesus, you're wet.'

She gasped and pulled his hand away, even though her instinct was to open her thighs wider. Everything is so gross down there. He doesn't have to do that. Joel moved his hands and kneaded her ass instead.

'Did you ever think about me?' she asked.

'Uhh… not really,' he said onto the side of her boob. He added, 'But I wanted to.' He kissed the breast tissue under arm. 'I tried not to. Kind of impossible not to, though.'

She hoped he didn't make him feel guilty. Then, he wrapped his arms under her and rolled over, so that she was sitting on top of him while he lay flat on his back.

Her small breasts bounced over Joel's chest, and her legs opened so that she could rub herself against his crotch. Joel closed his eyes and grimaced as she grinded against him. He threw his head back and bit his fist.

'Ah…' Ellie gently moaned, too excited by his actual being there with her. She bowed to gently lick his scar, and Joel winced and the thin squishy layer of flesh over his hard muscles tensed.

'The nerves… I'm still healin',' he said.

She kissed his ribs and made her way up his nipple where she mimicked how he had been licking and sucking her.

'Goddam, Ellie.'

Seeing his eyes scrunch and mouth fall open while his grabbed a handful of hair on the back of her head made her feel wild and dirty and dangerous. She began quickly unbuckling his belt but as she became stuck trying to pull the buckle through the loop of his jeans, Joel grabbed her wrists.

'Might be a bit early for that yet,' he said firmly. He didn't let go of her wrists until the muscles in her arms relaxed, telling him she wasn't going to try again. Each breast swelled under his deep brown eyes.

Without breaking eye contact, she dropped her weight onto her arms on either side of him, and began moving her slit over the bulge in his jeans. Her mouth didn't quite close as she breathed through the shudders quaking from her between her legs.

'Are you…? Ha.' Joel smiled and chuckled in sweet disbelief. He looked at her like she was the most curious thing in the world. 'You wanna come for me, baby?' Joel said more than asked for her benefit.

Ellie guessed that this play wasn't doing much for him other than frustrating him even more than he already was. Maybe if he were younger, this could get him somewhere, if the mere touch of the person he adored could build an orgasm, like Joel did for Ellie, whose body became a knot of live wires in his presence. Ellie lifted her hips and brushed her clit lightly against his jeans, teasing herself. She waited for the electricity to send vibrations down her thighs, then she pushed herself into him hard and slow. Often, she would push her opening in to him, imagining that he was entering her. Again, Joel let out a breath of gravel, but Ellie knew that he was being driven mad having her masturbate against his body.

'I wish you could fuck me,' she said apologetically.

'I am, baby. I am,' he said, trying to help her fantasize.

'This isn't enough,' she said breathlessly, hoping that Joel didn't misunderstand.

'I know. But you need this. Stay with me.'

Ellie lay herself over Joel's chest. Her fingers played with his black chest hair and she delicately licked his nipple, all the while rubbing her clit against him. Joel made a throaty moan. He strained his neck so that his mouth reached hers. He squeezed the short hair at the back of her head as he kissed her roughly. Ellie's whole body shivered as his tongue searched her mouth. Her nipples and her clit were sizzling.

'Joel…'

She pulled away from him and placed both palms flat on his chest so that she had more control in the way she bucked against him. Joel dropped his head on the mattress and rubber her breasts and pinched her nipples. Ellie closed her eyes and imagined his dick disappearing inside of her as she grinded into him harder.

Ellie whimpered.

She raised her hips again so that her clit was parallel with Joel's bulge, and she rubbed it into him.

'I… Joel…,' she let him know as she felt the familiar rush of pleasure take over her body. But then Joel slid his hands into her underwear, grabbed her ass, and pulled her into him harder. His rough hands on her sensitive skin shocked and excited her. Ellie's slit was open and sliding in the juices in her underwear. She couldn't control the hard, fast speed that Joel had her going at. Instead of fading, her orgasm built higher than she knew it could, making her vagina feel warm and wet and massaged all over. She couldn't stop shaking. 'Joel. Fuck. Joel,' she moaned incoherently. Ellie kept moving her hips automatically, in shock. Eventually she collapsed next to Joel and laughed.

'Holy shit. My heart won't stop racing,' she said. She covered her face with both her hands. 'Thank-you.'

Joel rolled toward her and caressed her stomach. He looked over Ellie, leaning on one elbow, and inhaled.

'You're beautiful,' he said.

Ellie smiled in embarrassment. 'How about now?' she asked as she gave herself an overbite and pulled her top lip back. 'Even prettier?' She laughed when Joel looked away nervously. She gently squeezed up and long Joel's arm as he tickled the fine, white hair under her belly button.

He leaned in and kissed her, though it felt like he was tasting her.

'You know what I'm gonna do for you?' he asked.

Ellie shook her head.

His eyes trailed down her body and his hand slipped into her underwear. A single finger slid along her clit. Ellie gasped: she was still sensitive from her orgasm. His finger moved further down and circled her opening.

'You don't have to…' Her words dissolved as the slick flesh under Joel's finger pulsed.

He hummed in satisfaction. 'I want to.' Her underwear snapped back against her skin as he removed his hand.

'Take them off,' he said.

Ellie looked at him curiously.

'Take them off,' he said with more authority.

Ellie pulled her underwear down her legs and tossed them to her side. Joel pulled one of her legs closer to him so that she lay there with her thighs apart. He unbent his elbow and lay next to her on the sheet, breathing into her neck as his finger teased her clit. Ellie moaned, letting him know that she wanted more. As his finger travelled lower and rested at her opening, Ellie angled her hips off the ground to give him better access. Slowly, he applied pressure, and pushed the tip of his finger into her. He kissed her nipples and waited for a gush of fluid before he kept moving. Ellie felt his finger angle up toward her g-spot. She couldn't believe that he was inside of her. Against her instinct to let him in deeper, her vagina tightened around his finger. Joel made a sound that was either a contained chuckle of shock or a moan of satisfaction as he felt her muscles contract. He licked her nipples faster.

Ellie felt her juices flow down to Joel's hand. She opened her eyes and saw his beard over her breast and his hand between her legs.

'Ahh… I love you,' she couldn't help saying. Tears welled in her eyes as she embraced the truth of that. She was in love with him. Instead of empowering her, it caged her, chained her to him. She kept her eyes closed, scared to check his expression.

Joel pushed his finger right into her after she said that. It hurt, but it only increased Ellie's excitement. His finger circled her g-spot and Ellie thought she could feel it grow.

'Right there,' she said.

Ellie was tingling uncontrollably and the pressure was building. Then Joel surprised her and edged down between her thighs.

'What are you doing?!' Ellie asked as she sat up and tried to bring her knees back together, but his whole body lay between her legs.

'Don't worry. I'll be careful,' he said.

'No!'

'I know what I'm doing.' His eyes were sincere, but he lifted one eyebrow. God, he's sexy, Ellie thought.

'Okay,' she said, mostly because she was trying to trust him, and also because she was desperate to be closer to him. 'Be careful,' she echoed.

Joel lowered his head. When Ellie felt his tongue flick her clit she fell back onto the mattress. His spit made her so wet, and they slid against each other with almost no friction. His saliva ran down her slit and mixed with her own fluids.

'Are you okay?' she made herself ask.

He grunted into her.

'Oh, god, Joel.'

He began moving his finger inside her again in the same rhythm that he was licking her clit. It was almost as though those two spots were different sides of the same coin, making her whole vagina swell and tremble. The electric shocks grew and their arms buzzed over her legs and stomach. When Joel moved his arm up and pinched one of Ellie's nipples, her orgasm burst inside her. She thrust her hips and ground her sex into Joel's face. His beard pricked her but she kept rubbing her juices over his mouth as she came hard. Joel pushed his tongue against her harder.

When Ellie began to shiver and had to stop she found that she was crying.

Joel wiped his mouth on his forearm and lay down beside her. A laugh escaped when she felt his strong arms wrap around her.

'I'm sorry… I'm just…'

'It's okay. I've gotcha.'

She closed her eyes and brushed his chest hair with her lips.

When her breathing calmed, she asked, 'What are we going to do?'

'Go back to Tommy's,' he said as if he'd been thinking about it. 'You can make your mind up then.'

'And yours.'

He stroked the top of her head. 'I know what I want.'

'Do you want me?' Fuck. Ellie had only meant to think that. She didn't want to put him on the spot and tug an answer out of him he hadn't thought through.

'I want you safe,' he said. Ellie tensed away from him, but Joel pulled her back. 'I don't mean that you need protectin'. You don't need me for that, that's for sure.' His hand momentarily lifted off her back as he waved his hands for answers. 'You shouldn't have to worry about your next meal, I mean. Learn to swim. Grow up a little. And if you still want to go searchin' for Fireflies, that's—'

'—Fireflies?' She sat up in front of him and folded her arms to cover her breasts as best she could. Pushing them flat just gave her a ridiculous cleavage over her arms. Where's my shirt? Downstairs. Shit. 'I'm not looking for Fireflies. That dream is over. I know that.' She didn't mean to attack Joel again, but she couldn't ignore his role in unraveling their plans. Unraveling and burning the pieces. He swallowed and narrowed his eyes. 'I didn't mean it like… That's not what I'm doing.'

'What are you doing?'

'What?' Ellie, somehow, wasn't prepared for that question. Each cheek flushed. He's going to think I'm a stupid kid, reading comic books… There's no way to phrase this without sounding crazy… 'Help people.'

'You mean… save people?'

'I know what you're thinking, but I'm stronger and faster now. I learnt so much from you, and I know I'm not going to save the world; I'm not an idiot; though there has to be something left doing or someone worth saving.' Joel's cheekbones sharpened as he withheld whatever criticisms he had ready. 'Even if I'm just patching people up, like in the Q.Z., I don't care, but my life has to mean something again.'

'Your life does mean something. Don't you get that? That's why you can't run through hell dodgin' bullets.' He leant forward as he spoke and pointed to the window. 'You're too important to end up as dinner!'

Her heart stopped. Why the fuck would he bring David up? She stepped off the bed and pulled her jeans off the floor. She couldn't find her underwear. A cold shake rattled through her arms.

'Look, Ellie, I'm sorry,' he said from the bed. 'I don't want to tear down whatever's goin' on in your head.'

'Fuck you,' she said from behind her jeans. Call me 'important' and 'beautiful.' The fuck does he know? Being alive and being important are complete fucking opposites. 'What is being alive supposed to do? I can't do anything about a cure; I can't help strangers; I can't have sex. Tell me, Joel. Tell me how important my life is.'

He was quiet.

'It's not my life that matters,' she said. 'It's my death.'

Ellie let the fire burn her insides and breathed new life into the flames. Yeah, I'm crazy. I'm an anachronism. I'm expired. I'm not supposed to be here.

Joel stepped off the bed and put his arms around her.

'I don't need you to hug me,' Ellie said. Joel squeezed her tighter. She let go of her jeans and they hung squashed between their bodies. Her neck hurt kinked against his chest and his belt buckle dug into her stomach. His chin poked into her skull.

'We'll figure it out,' he said.

His arms were so tightly wound around her that his elbows almost met at her spine. She was reminded of when he grabbed her from behind to stop her from being carried away in the current, back when she jumped off the bridge in Pittsburg. He's not letting me go.

She tried to inch away so that she could take a breath.

He's not letting me go.

'Joel… I'm okay…' she lied so that he would drop her.

He's not letting me go.

She closed her eyes and felt the salt water throw her in Joel's direction. She choked on the waves and coughed the salt back into her mouth. She saw the rocks ahead and felt Joel's arms cover her chest and her neck. She felt his body against her back as they spiraled through the current together. He groaned into her neck as his body cracked against a rock.

Ellie wrapped her arms around his waist and, just for a minute, embraced the discomfort of his love.