Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
Warning: This story contains references to disciplinary spanking. If this bugs you, then find something else to read.
A/N: I know this story was originally about Alice, but like I've stated before the focus has changed. My original plan was to have this story detail Alice reacting to her past, but it ended up actually becoming a story about the negative effects leaving Forks and Bella had on the Cullens. Sorry to those of you who want more Alice, but her portions have pretty much passed. She's included in the story, of course, but I won't be placing major focus on her struggles anymore because we have Carlisle and Jasper to deal with now. Alice is on the mend already. Once again, sorry to those of you who were expecting an Alice story.
Haven't read the reviews for the last chapter, so not sure what the response was, but I'm hoping it was positive. I've already made you wait long enough, so here is the next chapter. Enjoy!
Chapter 9: Growing Guilt
Carlisle's POV:
My mind was reeling as I held Alice in my arms, letting her cry out all her despair. She had told me. She had told me everything she had found out while in Biloxi before collapsing into a torrent of tears.
When we had left home we had run until we were far enough away not to hear a sound from the house. Of course, with Alice's gift it was a mute point, but I was hoping to distract her and keep her from looking into her mate's future. First I had urged her to hunt, guiltily noting the stiff way in which she moved and the nearly constant grimaces of pain. I had really worn out her backside.
She deserved it, I had reminded myself, futilely trying to stop from becoming too guilty. She could not be allowed to treat her mother and me in so deplorable a manner, and most importantly she could not be allowed to attack us.
When we had both satiated our thirsts I had noticed the glazed look on her face, which let me know she was keeping an avid watch on Jasper's future. While a large part of me really wanted to know how it was going, the smaller, more rational part of my mind was telling me that I should trust my wife, and that I had more important matters on my hand, such as talking with my daughter.
Calling Alice's attention to myself, I lightly scolded her, telling her to trust her mother and her mate and to leave them be. When she looked ready to argue with me I silenced her words with a firm look before requesting that she tell me the real truth about what she found out in Biloxi. My words had the desired response for she promptly froze, her attention fully on me. A myriad of emotions flitted across her face such as deep sorrow, hurt, and pain. My heart had seized up at the picture she presented, and that was before I even knew the terrible truth.
Sitting myself on the ground I had motioned for my angel to join me, which she had all too happily done. I had felt immensely relieved that she was no longer attempting to hide this from me any longer, and also that she still trusted and loved me even after how hard I had come down on her earlier. Even after all these years I had never lost the fear that I would one day go too far (again) and push my family away.
My sweet girl had cuddled up to me, and that little action alone had done great wonders for my aching heart. She had said nothing for several moments before taking a huge breath and beginning to speak. Little by little she had begun to inform me of what she had discovered. She had been committed by her own father…her own father who had apparently hired someone to murder her mother. Alice, through use of her visions had found this out, and this had led to her father ordering the same man to murder her. Human Alice had run to her aunt and uncle for help, but they had turned their backs on her, and when she had gone to the police for help, her father had already spread the lie that she was insane and had had her committed. Her death date was the same day as her entry date.
I felt sick, absolutely sick to my stomach. I felt fury, white hot fury at the bastards who had done this to my daughter, and I felt pain, unimaginable pain at what Alice must have felt when she discovered this and what she must have been feeling all these months. She'd told me how she'd fought with Jasper and how she'd kept all this from him. That certainly explained a lot of things, I thought.
My poor Alice. My poor little girl. No wonder she'd asked me if I would ever make her leave! It'd not only been because of the situation with Edward, Bella, and her siblings, but as a result of what her human father had done to her. I just could not fathom how a father could treat their own child so horribly—I snorted at that ridiculous train of thought. Who was I kidding? I could all too well imagine how a father could treat their own offspring so abominably. All I had to do was look at my own.
But dear God, I never in a million years would have wanted one of my children to understand how that felt. I never would have wanted my children to know the feeling of being hated by your own parent, or the feeling of abandonment.
There was only one small blessing in this, and that was that Alice had no memories of these events. She had only read about them in documents and her journal.
Her loss of memory now made perfect sense to me. When I'd first met this perky little pixie I had never been unable to understand how she had no memory prior to becoming a vampire. The transformation fixed all injuries, or so I thought. Now that I knew that Alice had been in an asylum I had an all too clear view of what she had gone through. Electroshock therapy, and it would have had to have been extensive to have wiped her memory. The pain, the sheer agony my sweet angel must have endured while in that hellhole was heart rendering. I simply couldn't stand it.
And it seemed that neither could Alice because she clung tightly to me as though suddenly afraid that I would disappear. I held her close and with a voice full of passion and conviction I told her how much I loved her. I told her how much she meant to me. I assured her vehemently that I would never ever abandon her or force her from this family. I was her father and I would always be there for her, even when she didn't want me around, I had added, elated when she had graced me with a soft giggle.
"I am so sorry, Alice," I then apologized, "for the doubt I have instilled in you. I have failed in my duties as a father to not only you, but to Jasper and your siblings as well; and I have failed in my duties as a husband to Esme. I have let this family down, and that is unforgivable."
Alice stared at me with wide eyes before hesitantly asking, "Bella?"
"Yes, I have failed Bella as well," I acknowledged remorsefully. "I have allowed this family to break apart. I abandoned Bella, let Edward go without a fight, and allowed things to become so bad Emmett and Rosalie felt the need to escape. Then, instead of helping those who stayed behind I instead immersed myself in work as a way to hide from my troubles. I was a blasted coward!" I hissed self deprecatingly. "I left Esme, you, and Jasper alone in your struggles. You all suffered and I did nothing, absolutely nothing to help you!"
"Daddy, don't," Alice stated, looking at me with pleading eyes. "Don't do this to yourself. You've failed no one."
I just shook my head, looking her straight in the eyes as I asked, "Can you honestly tell me that you've not thought the same these past several months? Don't think I failed to notice the cold shoulder you've been giving me for quite some time now, nor the accusing look in your eyes."
My daughter squirmed guiltily on my lap before shaking her head back at me. "Daddy, no, I-I, well, I mean I was angry with you, but that was because I couldn't help but compare"—She stopped talking abruptly, biting her lip and shooting me a sincerely apologetic look. I knew what she'd been about to say. She'd been comparing me to her human father, and I couldn't help the way my throat tightened up with emotion. I knew she didn't mean to, but there was truly nothing worse that she could have said to me at this moment.
I felt absolutely awful. Guilt was rearing its ugly head and I suddenly had to fight back the urge to cry. Alice had been angry with me because she'd seen similarities between me and her human father, the man who'd murdered her mother, attempted to murder her and then abandoned her in an asylum. What kind of father did that make me?
I was wretched. I was vile! The sheer magnitude of my failure was becoming clearer with every passing second and I just could not fathom how I allowed things to reach this level. How could I have been so blind and ignorant to what was going on around me? How could I have let it come to this?!
"Dad? Daddy, please stop torturing yourself," I suddenly heard my angel cry to me. My eyes snapped to hers, and I was disheartened to see tears falling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean it, Daddy, I swear I didn't mean it!" she told me earnestly. "You are nothing like my human dad. I was just hurting and angry so I lashed out at you. It was wrong and I'm sorry, but please, please don't do this to yourself."
She was sitting up in my lap now, her hands on each side of my face, assuring that I would not look away. "You have nothing to apologize for," I assured her, hating that I was once again the cause of her tears. "And I am not torturing myself," I argued. "I am only telling it like it is. I messed up Alice. I messed up horribly, and it is you children who have suffered the brunt of my mistake. You had every right to compare me to your human father because I abandoned you all physically and emotionally."
"Arrghh!" Alice shrieked gripping onto my shirt with her two hands and giving me a little shake. "If it wasn't for the fact that my poor bottom was already on fire I'd slap you," she declared hotly. "Yes, Carlisle Cullen, I'd slap you for being so damn bullheaded!"
My eyes widened as I stared at my exasperated child. Had she just reprimanded me? She glared at me for an entire minute, but when I failed to say anything she began to get nervous, her glare faltering. She released her hold on me and started smoothing my shirt and wiping off imaginary dust. "Um, yeah, so just-so just stop being so stubborn," she said somewhat sternly, but mostly nervously.
Having overcome my surprise I grasped onto my frightened child's hands, brought them to my lips and gave them both a kiss. "I'm not angry," I informed her gently, "but you were wise to refrain from slapping me," I couldn't help but add.
We both stared into each other's eyes, and I was certain she could see my pain as easily as I saw hers. I lifted my hand and softly caressed the side of her face. "I am deeply sorry," I whispered, and she stared at me for several more moments before her face seemed to fall into defeat as she nodded her head.
"It's okay," she replied back just as quietly. "I know you never meant to hurt me or anybody in this family."
"I didn't," I agreed, giving her an earnest look. "I love all of you so much. I don't understand how I could—I failed you all terribly and I can offer no excuse," I attempted to explain knowing full well that I had no explanation. I had no excuse or reason for why this had all happened. Everything had seemed to spiral out of control without me really having noted how bad things were. It was frightening how one single decision could lead to something like this.
What had I been thinking in allowing Edward to sway me so easily? Why had I catered to my son's panicked pleas so easily? I should have—no, I did know better. I knew he was being hasty, but I'd been so afraid that he would leave us that I had foolishly uprooted the entire family, leaving the youngest and most vulnerable behind just to keep my firstborn with me. And look at how well that turned out. Where was that firstborn now? I had no idea, no damned idea! I was a fool!
"Daaaaddd," Alice sighed while wrapping her arms around my neck. "Okay, so you may have made a mistake, but everything that has happened is not all your fault. Edward is a big boy and responsible for his own actions, and you didn't tell Rosalie and Emmett to leave. As for Jazzy and me, well that's my fault. I chose to keep quiet and forced him to keep quiet. With Bella, well," she spoke giving me an honest look of disappointment, "in my opinion you really dropped the ball on that one. And I'd have to say you did the same with Mom."
My shoulders dropped as I recalled Esme's anger with me. We may have been able to cooperate amicably when it came to the children, but my wife had made it more than apparent how furious she was with me. And what must Bella feel or think? How had my human child handled all this? Better than Edward I was certain. I hadn't known the girl long, but I knew enough about her to know that she would not have behaved as my son had. That is assuming she missed Edward as much as he obviously missed her. I still was unsure of how the relationship had affected her, and if her attachment to Edward was as powerful as his to hers.
How could I have messed up this horribly? Every single member of this family was suffering the consequences of my poor decision. Guilt and self loathing ate away at me, and I didn't even have my wife to turn to for comfort. The more I thought on this, the worse I began to feel. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stomach what I'd done.
I needed—I should, I began to think, an idea beginning to form in my head. My stomach already curled into itself, a shiver running up my spine as I began to consider—But no, I couldn't. She wouldn't agree anyway, and it just—I mean, I didn't need—But I did. I did really need this.
"Dad, what are you—Oh no, Daddy, you don't have to do that," Alice began to say, and fighting back a wave of embarrassment at what she may have seen I turned to my angel who was looking at me pleadingly. "You don't have to ask Mommy to do that to you," she stated. "Your mistake is nowhere near as bad as when you lost it with Em."
"But it is," I told her in a firm tone. "I didn't abuse any of you, that's true, but that doesn't make what I did any less grievous. Look at the point we've reached, sweetheart. Look at how much suffering every single member of this family is going through all because of my failure in duties as not only your father, but as your leader. The worse part of it is, Alice, that I knew I was wrong to give in to Edward. I knew it would hurt us all, but I failed to grasp the magnitude; and I failed to do anything to stop it. I can't forgive this," I admitted hoarsely. "I can't just let this go. I need…I need…," I trailed off, unable to even utter what I needed.
I was ashamed and embarrassed. I shouldn't be unloading all this on my daughter who was already suffering from her own demons. I couldn't ask this of my wife either. She suffered greatly the one time she'd chastised me, and it would be wrong of me to subject her to that sort of pain once more. I would need to deal with this on my own.
My dear, sweet angel, no doubt noting my woebegone expression pulled me in for a tight hug, whispering into my ear, "Everybody makes mistakes, Daddy. The point is that you learn from them, and I think you already have. Besides, now that you see everything you can start on fixing it and getting our family back to the way it was, whole and happy."
I hugged her back just as tightly, swallowing back the sudden lump I had in my throat as I responded, "Don't worry Alice, I will fix this, I promise you. I will bring this family back together and make you all happy again. Things will get better."
"I know they will, I trust you," Alice replied with the utmost confidence, and I felt nearly overwhelmed with love for this little girl. After all she'd suffered and the very harsh whipping I'd given her she still loved and trusted me. She still looked at me with adoring eyes that said she wasn't afraid because she knew I would fix everything.
I watched as she briefly closed her eyes, and when she opened them she gave me a sad look. "You haven't changed your mind," she said, and I swallowed nervously as I responded, "I guess I haven't." Then, before I could run out of nerves I asked her, "What did you see?"
"Don't worry," my resident seer said, patting my cheek gently, "I only saw you asking Mom."
I felt relieved, but couldn't help but then anxiously ask, "Did she agree?"
Alice's eyes looked into mine and gave nothing away as she told me, "You're going to have to wait and see. If this is something you feel you need, then I'm not going to get in the way, but I'm sorry Daddy, I'm not going to help you either. This is between you and Mommy," she declared, and I barely withheld a sigh of frustration as I nodded to her. The anxiety of what I may be facing soon was already getting to me and I hadn't even asked Esme. I wasn't even sure I wanted to ask.
"I give you my word I won't look into your future for this, though," she added kindly. "I know you wouldn't want me to see what happens if Mom agrees, and truthfully, I don't either. You're always telling us how when we hurt, you hurt, and it's the same in reverse. I can't stand seeing you in pain either. I'm hurting right now just seeing the way you're beating yourself up over this."
"Oh Ali, I'm sorry angel," I immediately responded, bringing her closer to me. "You have your own issues to be dealing with, how could I unload any of this onto you? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything to you"—
"No Dad, no!" Alice said loudly, once more placing her hands on my face. "Please don't apologize for confiding in me. I'm so happy that you felt you could be open with me, I really am. I'm just sorry that I wasn't able to help you, but please don't ever feel that you can't talk to me or any of us really. Mom shouldn't be your only source of comfort, Dad. I know we're young and immature at times, but like you're always there for us in our times of need, we'll always be there for you in your times of need, okay?"
I graced my girl with a wide, appreciative smile as I hugged her. "Thank you Alice for being so understanding. By now you know of my penchant for bottling my pain inside, but I've been working on it. I know I can confide in you children, but I'm sorry to say that I find it incredibly difficult admitting my faults or struggles to you."
Alice sighed before smiling. "I know Dad, but the offer is there all the same." I kissed her cheek and nodded once more.
We sat in companionable silence after that for a while and it was only when I noticed the suddenly glazed look in my daughter's eyes that I remembered I was supposed to keep her distracted. When she came to she looked surprised, which really wasn't an emotion I expected if she was searching her husband's future.
"What did you see?" I questioned, and she answered, "Jasper took Mom's punishment a lot better than we all expected. This is not what I originally saw so Mom must've done something different, or maybe Jasper changed his mind. I don't know, but we don't have to worry anymore as Mom seems to have everything under control.
I couldn't help the proud smile that graced my features as I thought of my wife. I knew she was strong and capable, but she still never ceased to surprise me. How long she had come from the timid, frightened newborn she had been. How long she had come from the mother who never even wanted to consider landing a single swat on her babies' backsides. My wife was incredible. And I also felt pride in my soldier. I had been afraid he would give Esme trouble, but it seemed he had regained some of his maturity.
Deciding now that we had talked about me more than enough I focused the attention back on Alice when I asked, "So now that I know what you found out in Biloxi, does any of that have to do with what happened at school today?"
Alice tensed at the question, her eyes immediately dropping to her lap, but not because they were filled with guilt but because they were filled with anger.
"She deserved what she got," she told me, and I shook my head at her in disbelief.
"Alice," I scolded, "what could that child have possibly done to have deserved a shattered jaw? Do you not understand the amount of pain she was in? Or the amount of surgery it will take to fix that kind of damage? Do you not understand how easily you could have killed her?"
Some of the anger seemed to leave her, and I was gratified to see that now along with anger there was a bit of guilt.
"I didn't mean to hit her that hard," she eventually whispered so quietly I had to strain my ears to hear her.
Well, that certainly wasn't an apology but it was sure a start. It did please me to know that she hadn't intended to cause the girl such harm, but the fact remained she obviously intended to hurt the girl.
"Tell me what happened," I demanded, wanting to know once and for all what Cassie could have done to have incurred the wrath of my normally laid back daughter.
Alice's POV:
I wasn't at all pleased with the turn this conversation had taken. I didn't want to talk about Cassie or the horrible things she had said to me. I didn't want Dad to make me feel guilty, but damn it, he'd only said a few words and already I could feel a bit of shame building in me. Why did he have to be so good at making us Cullen kids sorry? At this point I'd really just rather take the spanking and be done with this whole mess. I knew Dad didn't work that way though. He always wanted to talk and hash out why we misbehaved, and he wasn't going to let this go until I'd told him everything.
Deciding I'd put my father through enough stress, and that he was suffering already, when he asked me what happened I told him everything. I certainly didn't want to, but I couldn't stand to cause the man any more trouble than I already had.
When I finished he said nothing for several minutes. I waited anxiously for the lecture to start, already beginning to feel more guilt because of the growing disappointment in his eyes.
That little bit*h had deserved it though! She needed to be taken down a notch!
Yes, but couldn't there have been another way? You are 100 times stronger than that human cow, and as Dad already said, you could've killed her. Would you still feel this way if you had?
Of course not, I thought, I would have felt terrible. As horrible as Cassie was, she didn't deserve to die.
And, if I was being honest with myself, she hadn't deserved my attacking her either. Her words had been nasty, but she was just an ignorant human child with no filter. It wasn't really her that set me off. She definitely didn't help, of course, with the way she constantly was insulting me, but I'd already been in a foul mood. She just happened to be the icing on the cake.
I gave a mild groan, not at all happy to admit that I had messed up. I still felt extremely angry with that slutbag for the things she'd said to me, but how could she know how truthful or hurtful her words were? She was just spitting out the first thing she could think of, and unfortunately for her she hit a spot that really struck to my core.
I looked at my dad now to find him giving me a kind and sympathetic smile. "Aren't you going to lecture me?" I asked in confusion, and he said, "Whatever I have to say can't be any worse than what you're telling yourself. Would you care to share?"
I gave a dismal sigh before repeating to him the argument I'd had in my head. Dad nodded his head understandingly, giving me a kiss on the forehead as he said, "I'm proud of you for realizing this on your own, Ali. I know it's not easy to admit being wrong, but you did it anyway."
My heart warmed at his praise, a small smile breaking out on my face. I don't think my dad really realized how much his respect and praise meant to all us kids. We regarded his opinion above anyone but Mom, and a mere few words of encouragement from him could lift our spirits on the most depressing of occasions as it did now.
"I'm sorry she hurt you," he then spoke in a caring voice. "Her words were cruel, especially in light of your past. I can understand how you could become infuriated with her, but as you've already acknowledged your response was the wrong one. You could easily have killed her."
I gave a nod of agreement before a question came to mind. "If I'd been human and attacked her would you still be angry with me?"
Dad gave a soft chuckle and then replied, "I'm not angry with you, angel, I'm disappointed, and the answer is yes. If you'd been human and acted the same way I'd still be warming your bottom. It's the same as when you get into fights with your siblings. You and Rose are both equals, but when you got into that fight several decades ago I still spanked the both of you."
"Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense," I mumbled, beginning to feel the beginnings of anxiety over my impending punishment.
"Alice," Dad called, garnering my attention, "There are better ways of dealing with your anger. One of the things that really upsets me about today is that you didn't lose control. And what I mean was that this wasn't a loss of temper like what happened in your bedroom." I immediately looked down in shame at the referral, embarrassed by my behavior and what I'd done. Dad didn't like that so he tapped my chin making me focus my eyes on his once more. "You were in control, and I know that because that child is still alive. I'm not saying I would've preferred you to have lost control or anything, but what I'm saying is that you were well aware of what you were doing and in complete control of your actions. You wanted to hurt her."
"I did," I acknowledged, knowing there was no point in denying it.
"You could have exposed us, Alice," Dad simply stated in a factual tone. "You were so angry that you gave no thought to the consequences of what you did. I'm sure it was the shock of the moment, but I won't be surprised if there are people now wondering how it was that a small girl like yourself was able to give such a damaging punch without sustaining any damage."
I froze at his words, not having considered that at all. I immediately began searching our future grimacing when I saw a policeman coming to tell us Cassie's parents were pressing charges. Dad obviously noticed my reaction so I told him what I saw. He pursed his lips before just nodding his head. "Whatever comes will come," he sighed, and I felt incredibly guilty for having been the cause of more stress for him. Sometimes I wondered how my dad was able to hold up under all the stress he endured at times. He just had broad shoulders, I guessed.
"I'm sorry Dad," I apologized, "you're right, I didn't think about the consequences of my actions at all. I'm also sorry for how I acted in the office with the principal, but I'm not sorry that I was expelled. I was miserable there," I defended when he gave me an unimpressed look. "Cassie and her friend were constantly bullying me, calling me crazy and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I was lonely too. I don't like being alone," I whispered, cuddling up to him. He could understand that, right? I knew Dad didn't like to be alone either. I mean, he liked to isolate himself sometimes in his office or bedroom, but he always liked having at least one of us around. He'd had to go on business trips several times over the years, but he rarely stayed the full time because he just couldn't stand being away from us. It reminded him too much of his past prior to changing Edward. We never called him on it when he would give us excuses as to why he was back so soon. We all knew, and I'm pretty sure he knew that we knew but it wasn't something that we talked about.
As I expected, my Daddy the softy readily offered me comfort, sighing before saying, "I can understand that. But for the record, Alice, the behavior you exhibited at school was unacceptable and I never want to see that sort of disrespect and defiance ever again. That behavior is completely unbecoming of you. You have no idea how close I came to swatting you in that office, young lady," he scolded mildly.
"I'm sorry," I told him.
"I know," he said wearily, "I know."
"Look Alice," Dad then said, "you know what you did wrong, so I really see no reason to give you some long lecture. I realize there were extenuating circumstances, but your punishment remains the same. I will be spanking you, but because you have cooperated so well with me and been open and honest I will allow you a few days recovery time before doling this out.
I let out a loud groan as I lay my forehead on his chest. I really, really was not looking forward to this spanking. Even with a few days to recover from the whipping I'd gotten today, I knew it was still going to hurt. Dad put his hand on the back of my head and rubbed it in comfort, but there wasn't anything he could really say to make this better. He wasn't going to not punish me, and there was no point in him telling me it wasn't going to hurt or anything stupid like that because we'd both know he was lying. Still…
"Don't you think today's whipping was enough, Daddy?" I asked, giving him a wide eyed pitiful look. "I've learned my lesson, I swear. I'm even sorry for what I did to Cassie and I promise I'll never attack a human or anyone ever again."
"You know the rules Alice," he responded sadly. "No fighting, and no making a spectacle of yourself in front of the humans. Breaking either one of those rules would have been enough to earn you a trip over my lap, but you did both. I will not let this go."
I groaned again, deciding to finally just resign myself to my fate. I'd put myself in this position so now I had to face the music. I gave my father one last mournful look, but after seeing the pain I was causing him I promptly looked away deciding enough was enough. I knew Dad hated spanking us, and my begging was only going to make this more difficult on him; and he already had enough going on as it was.
My thoughts were abruptly stopped when both my phone and Dad's began to vibrate. We both took them out and I saw that it was Jasper texting me to let me know that I could come back now. I figured Mom had texted Dad the same thing when he began to lift himself and me up to our feet.
"We'll talk more about your past later, Alice," Dad informed me, "but for now, just go spend some time with your mate. You both need each other right now."
I all too readily agreed and raced towards home, Dad not far behind. We arrived home in no time at all and after giving Dad one more quick hug I ran up to my room to find Jasper standing by our window. He turned when I walked in and gave me a small grin to let me know he was alright. I let out a sigh of relief before then rushing into his arms.
"How bad was it?" I asked him, and he gave a light shrug.
"Not too horrible," he drawled. "Mama sure wasn't happy with me, but I'm alright. Certainly betta off than you are, darlin'."
I waved away his concern before asking him what happened. He explained everything he'd talked about with Mom, glossing over the punishment. "It was quite an enlightenin' conversation," he said, "and I think it'll definitely help me keep myself under control the next time yer in trouble."
"I definitely hope so, Jazzy, because I hate seeing you land yourself in the hot seat every time I'm being punished," I responded.
"Me too," he stated with a slight smirk before turning serious. "Now that you know what happened with me why don't you tell me what happened at school, and about attackin' Mom and Dad."
I withheld a sigh at once more having to tell this story, but Jasper definitely deserved to know not only because he was my husband, but because maybe he'd understand that I really did deserve my whipping today and a spanking in a few days time. I told him about Cassie, what she'd said and what I'd done. I recounted the talk with the principal and how I'd been expelled before going on to talk about my disrespect with our parents. With more difficulty I told him about the temper tantrum I'd had and how I'd shoved Mom and bitten Dad. I left out only one detail, and that was how many licks I'd gotten with the belt. I knew Jasper was working on his control, but I didn't want to push it, especially with how our parents were both feeling so stressed today.
I could feel his disbelief and shock when I finished my tale. He was extremely saddened by all that'd happened and upset that he hadn't been here for any of it, but I assured him that it was for the best. "I was in a temper, Jazz and I would've lashed out at even you, and I'd already done enough of that. As much as I hate to admit it, I really did earn myself every bit of that whipping Dad gave me, and the spanking that's yet to come. I screwed up Jasper, and I have to accept the consequences of my actions. You'd do the same, I know you would," I said, and though he didn't want to agree, he knew I spoke the truth, so he nodded.
"Yer right," he agreed, holding me close and placing a gentle, loving kiss on my lips. "Is Papa at least giving you some time ta recova before givin' you the other spankin?" he questioned.
"Yes," I answered. "He's going to give me a couple days. I doubt I'll be completely healed by then, but it's better than getting it again tomorrow night." Jasper looked grim as he once more nodded his head in agreement. He was very clearly not happy, but he was managing to keep a hold of his protective instinct, at least right now. I only hoped he wouldn't do anything dumb when it came time to receive my just desserts.
"I need to go talk with Dad," Jasper informed me, and I tensed, saying, "You don't have to do that, I already told you I deserve"—
"No, Ali, you misunderstand," he interjected softly, "I've gotta apologize to him for how I've acted, an there's just some things we need ta discuss."
Oh, I thought in relief. "That's a really good idea," I responded. "And maybe, maybe you'll be able to help him out." I bit my lip at what I was thinking. I'd promised Dad I wouldn't try and stop him, so technically I hadn't lied as I was sending Jasper to do the convincing.
Jasper furrowed his brow in confusion. "What d'ya mean help him out? What's wrong?"
"Dad is extremely upset right now. He's blaming himself for everything that's wrong with our family, meaning what we're going through, Emmett and Rosalie leaving, Edward leaving, and abandoning Bella. He told me he failed us, and I know he's not completely faultless, but he's putting too much on himself. We all make our own decisions and he can't be held responsible for every little thing that's gone wrong. Talk to him and see if he'll open up to you. Maybe you'll be able to help him forgive himself."
My husband gave a serious nod, his eyes turning concerned. "I'll do what I can, love, but Dad and I are a lot alike, y'know. If he's got it in his head that he's done somethin' wrong, especially of this magnitude, he ain't gonna forgive himself easily. This is more Mama's area of expertise. She's the best at getting' Papa to see sense."
"I agree, but Mom is too angry with Dad right now to be much help to him. You see, she blames him as well for the position we're in. She's hurting too, worrying herself sick over us and everybody else. She's been bottling up this resentment for a while, you told me so yourself."
"Yes," Jasper said, "I've felt her growing resentment and worry over the past several months, and I was pretty certain it was directed towards Dad."
"Well it definitely is, so while you go talk with Dad I'll go talk with Mom and see if we can't get those two to talk to each other. I want this to end peacefully because Daddy is planning on asking for a whipping from Mom he's so racked with guilt.
Jasper's eyebrows rose in surprise, his concern mounting. We both clearly remembered the last and only time our father had been physically disciplined by our mother. We hadn't witnessed the event, but we'd seen the aftermath. We'd seen how distraught Dad was and how much pain he'd been in. I knew he didn't want to go through with this, but he really felt he deserved this punishment. I recalled the fear that entered his eyes and the slight trembling of his body as he made the decision. Despite his obvious fear he was going to ask for it.
"We betta get started then," Jasper stated, giving me one last kiss, deeper and more loving than the previous. "I'll deal with Dad while you see if you can sort out Mom. Good luck."
"You too," I said before exiting our room and heading towards our parent's room. I wasn't quite sure what I was going to say, but I knew I needed to get Mom at least calm enough to talk with Dad. In my vision I'd seen her agree to whip Dad, but with the amount of anger I'd seen her exhibiting in that vision I was afraid she'd really hurt Dad. I didn't want Dad to suffer through a whipping so I was hoping I could forewarn my mother against this. Hopefully I could convince her not to agree to Dad's plan, but we'd just have to see.
A/N: So, Daddy C has decided he's deserving of some discipline! I'd say he definitely deserves some! Next chapter we'll have a little Carlisle/Esme talk and then a nice Carlisle/Jasper talk to help smooth things over between those two.
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