Arthur decided to give himself the rest of the week with Merlin, torn between the desire to put off the conversation as long as possible and the knowledge that Merlin deserved the truth. After the initial rush of making the decision, doubts crawled through his mind. Small, worm-like things that would fit into the nooks and corners and burrow in so deep, Arthur couldn't pluck them out again. He still felt in his heart that he had done the right thing, but Arthur had learned that it was possible to be right and still feel wrong.

The worst part was thinking about the enforced separation. He had an entire lifetime with Merlin, and he had wasted ninety-nine percent of that time and for what? Cowardice. Arthur was tired of being a coward, and he knew if he wanted to get his life on track, he had to stop being afraid, had to stop hiding from anything that might be awkward or unpleasant, or painful. Risks were worth taking. Merlin had taught him that, if nothing else.

He took Merlin to the city on Saturday night, eager to give Merlin a wonderful date with Uther's credit card. They ate in the Castro district, strolled around to check out the shops, paused to study the wares the street vendors sold. Merlin cracked jokes, smiled at everything Arthur said, and was enthused over everything. He became enraptured with the thought of seeing the bay at night, so Arthur allowed himself to be dragged to Fisherman's Wharf, even though it was nothing but a tourist trap. Merlin didn't care about that, of course. He even claimed that he liked the overpriced crap they sold in all the shops and the endless barking from the harbor seals on Pier 39.

"You hate every second of this, don't you?" Merlin asked as they wandered through the crowd, hand in hand because there was nobody to hide from there.

"Yes."

"You could have said 'No, Merlin, I hate that place.'"

"Then you would have looked at me with puppy dog eyes, and I would have given in anyway."

"You are a bit of a pushover. Do you want some ice cream?"

"Is that your way of telling me to buy ice cream?"

"It's my way of asking."

"What flavor?"

"Triple chocolate brownie."

Arthur ordered two triple-scoop ice cream cones, and promptly forgot to eat his while he watched Merlin lap at the dark chocolate, his pink tongue darting out between stained lips. How violently would Merlin react if Arthur knocked the ice cream out of his hand and attacked his mouth? He'd definitely be disappointed about losing his dessert, but he might forgive Arthur if the kiss was good enough.

"You know it freaks me out when you stare at me like that," Merlin finally said.

"Like what?"

"Like you're going to knock this ice cream right out of my hand and ravish me in front of everybody."

"You're actually pretty good at reading my intentions."

"That's because I know you better than anybody. Don't trash my ice cream, please. It's quite tasty. You should eat yours before it melts."

Arthur grudgingly brought his cone to his mouth, but the cookies in the cookies and cream felt like grit against his tongue. It definitely didn't taste as good as Merlin's lips would. They walked the length of the wharf and found a bench at the end of the pier, facing the Golden Gate Bridge. Boats glowed brightly on the inky water, and the hill on opposite side blazed with light. It was still chilly at night, the cool breeze pushing in off the water. Merlin tried to pretend it wasn't bothering him, but Arthur could see he was shivering. He wrapped an arm around Merlin's shoulder and pulled him close, using his broader body to shield Merlin from the cooler air.

"Thanks. Why are you always so warm? You're like a furnace." Merlin rested his head on Arthur's shoulder, probably wiping chocolate off on Arthur's white shirt in the process. Arthur kissed the top of his head. "Tonight's been fun. Just what I needed after this week."

"Did you stick to your plan?"

"I did. I'm nearly completely caught up in Government. French is more of a struggle, but I persevere." Merlin snuggled closer and contentedly nibbled on his waffle cone. "It helps that I have you to look forward to."

"Merlin…" Arthur tossed the rest of his cone over the concrete barrier, his appetite completely gone. "I have something I need to tell you."

"What?"

Arthur guided Merlin's head back to his shoulder, wanting to prolong the contact as long as possible. Plus, this would be easier to say if Merlin wasn't watching him. He rested his mouth on Merlin's hair and closed his eyes, lost in the warm scent of Merlin's skin, which he now knew was definitely cinnamon and not, as he'd first thought, pumpkin. He felt so fiercely protective of Merlin, so jealous and greedy for his attention, that sometimes it frightened him.

"When progress reports went out, Uther actually saw them. When he realized I might not graduate, he told me that if I failed to get my diploma, he'd kick me out of the house."

Merlin jerked back, his cheeks and eyes blazing with righteous anger. "What? He would never do that."

"He would. He might not want to, but now that he's said it…well, he can't go back on it now."

"How far behind are you? We can work together and…"

"No, Merlin. That's not…I couldn't even ask you to do that. You have so much to do, trying to help me would just set you back even further."

"Then what are you going to do? Hire a tutor? Take summer classes?"

"No. I can't get caught up now, Merlin, and I don't want to take courses over the summer. Or next year. I can't even…I'd end up living in my car and retaking geology. No thank you."

"There must be something we can do, Arthur. It's not too late."

"Well, there is something. I…Merlin I enlisted in the Marines. I'm going to take my GED and as soon as I pass that test, I'll be going to San Diego for training."

Merlin broke away from Arthur's grasp, his ice cream now forgotten as well. "You what? You've already enlisted? Like, you're committed to this?"

Arthur nodded.

"And you didn't even tell me? You didn't even talk to me about it? Oh my god, are you breaking up with this me?"

"What? No, no, of course not. Merlin, I know this is going to change everything, but things between us…I thought…I hoped…they would be the same."

"They can't be the same if you're in the Marines. You'll be gone. How long will you be gone?"

"I signed up for three years."

"Three years? Three years? Arthur…you're going to leave for three years. You could be deployed. You could die."

"I know. I thought of that, Merlin. I thought of everything."

"Everything except talking to me. Did you talk to anybody about this?"

"No."

"How could you make this decision without mentioning it to anybody?"

"Who would I have talked to? Uther had already threatened to kick me out of the house. Gaius thinks I'm just this bad influence."

"Me! You could have talked to me Arthur. You could have called me after your fight with Uther. You could have told me about the grades. Why wouldn't you talk to me?"

"Because this is my mess and I'm the one who should fix it."

"Arthur…you don't have to fix everything by yourself."

"What would you have suggested? That I stick around through summer? That I stay an extra year?"

"I would have thought of something besides you leaving for three years. That's…that's going to ruin us, Arthur."

"Only if we let it. Besides, what do you think would happen to us if you went off to Harvard of Berkeley and I stayed back to finish Algebra 2 and Geology? Do you really think we could survive that? How would you feel when you told all your new college friends that your boyfriend is so stupid he couldn't even graduate high school? Or would you be too ashamed to mention me at all?"

Merlin sucked his breath in sharply. "You're not stupid, Arthur."

"I must be."

"No." Merlin took his hand, fingers wrapped tightly around his. "You're not."

"It doesn't matter anymore. I'm sorry, Merlin. I know you're upset, and you have every right to be. But…you deserve better than who I am right now."

"That's not true." Merlin wiped his face with the back of his hand, but he didn't release Arthur first. Merlin's hot tears scalded his skin, burning him like tiny drops of hot oil. "I know who you are, Arthur. I can see the goodness in you, and how much you really do care, you just…pretend that you don't."

"If you see that, then you must know why I had to do this. Why I didn't have a choice."

"What am I supposed to do without you? What am I supposed to do when you're gone and I can't see you? How am I supposed to let you go, Arthur? How am I supposed to function or do anything when all I can think about is you getting hurt or worse?"

"I think there are worse things than death."

Merlin released him suddenly, the gesture almost violent. "That's real easy for you to say, Arthur. But you'll never make me believe it. You'll never make me believe there's anything worse than you're death. Can't you see?"

"Can't you? You've got the whole world open to you, Merlin. You're so smart, and you're so friendly, and you're so fucking special. I've spent my whole life wishing I could just a fraction as…as good as you. And what have I got? What the fuck have I got? Money? That's not mine, it's all my dad's. You? Trust me, you're smart enough to figure out what a loser I am."

"But you're not…"

"Then let me prove it!"

"I don't really have a choice, do I?"

"I meant what I said earlier. About the two of us."

"Things have to change. We're going to be thousands of miles apart and you…fuck, Arthur, you're not even allowed to be gay."

"Maybe, but they can't stop me from being in love with you. And when my tour of duty is up, I'll find you."

"How long until you leave?"

"I'm registered to take the test at the beginning of May. If all goes to plan, I'll leave for San Diego in mid-June."

"So soon."

"I thought it was better that way."

Merlin sighed. "I can't…I can't talk about this anymore right now."

"Do you want me to take you home?"

"I think that might be for the best."

Merlin didn't pull away from Arthur's grip when he took his hand again, but there was a new tension in Merlin's body. He held himself slightly away from Arthur, his shoulders rigid, his jaw jutting forward. He known Merlin would be angry. He'd been prepared for it. But that didn't lessen the sting, and the doubt he felt before completely overrode every other thought. No matter how he tried, though, he couldn't imagine a feasible alternative.

"I'm sorry," Arthur said, the words ripping out of his chest. "I'm sorry if I fucked this whole thing up. Just don't…don't hate me because of it."

Merlin responded by dragging Arthur down a narrow alley between two of the buildings. The seals were louder there, just feet away, in a dog pile on the shore. "Arthur Pendragon, listen to me. I will never, ever hate you. I couldn't hate you. I'm really angry right now because I love you and I'm scared and…"

"Merlin…"

They both moved into the kiss at the same time, mouths still eager to express emotions they didn't have words for. They clung to each other like drowning men, neither knowing just who was supposed to be rescuing who. Arthur tasted salt in the kiss, but he didn't think the tears were Merlin's alone. Normally, white-hot shame would overtake him at even the thought of crying, but he was terrified and so deeply in love he thought it might kill him. Did Merlin understand that? Did he feel the same way? Maybe they were both just as lost, and Arthur had only tricked himself into believing Merlin had it all together. Maybe everybody felt this lost, flailing and shouting in a vast ocean of indifference, and if he could just grab a hold of something, if he could just rest for a few minutes to catch his breath, he'd survive.

"Come home with me." Arthur kissed at Merlin's cheeks, catching the tears with his tongue before they could travel any further. "Stay with me. Please."

"You know I can't."

"I can't stand to let you go tonight, Merlin."

Merlin's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. "Okay. I don't want to leave you."

Arthur didn't feel triumph at the concession, just a ball of pulsing desperation settling low in the pit of his stomach.

Neither one of them put into words what they wanted. Not until they were naked and wrapped around each other, Arthur settled over Merlin's body, fingernails and teeth scraping across damp, flushed skin. Merlin buried his face in Arthur's neck, the heat from his own breath warming his stained cheeks each time he exhaled. His head was swimming from the smell of Arthur's sweat. Every time he remembered that Arthur would be leaving him, he bit down to stop the cry of protest, to punish Arthur, to do something. Arthur never pulled away from him, even when his back arched and he groaned out Merlin's name like a plea. He was already covered in bruises from Merlin's mouth, but he seemed to want them. Merlin liked the sight of them. He liked the color and the shape, the way they said property of Merlin.

They both knew what was going to happen. Merlin could tell from each thrust of Arthur's hips, the angle of his cock as it slid across Merlin's belly. He could tell by the way they rocked together, the way they fought each other's touch before conceding the battle and sinking into the heat of the caress. Merlin strained against Arthur, spine bending, hand going to his hip, his ass, his thigh, his chest. He couldn't push Arthur away, even when he needed to catch his breath, and he couldn't pull Arthur closer, even when he felt suddenly lonely, aching and empty.

It wasn't easy, the difficulty compounded by their frustration, by the way Merlin flinched away and Arthur's hands trembled. The first slide of a well-lubricated finger into his ass made Merlin's stomach tighten. He twisted and pushed back, letting Arthur sink in to the knuckle, stretching the virgin passage until the pain receded. Arthur took his time, patient though Merlin could feel the desire coursing through him, see it in his eyes. He always looked at Merlin like he was some sort of special treat, but there was fresh urgency now. There was a ticking clock above both of them, counting off the seconds until they would be separated. And how would they ever find each other again?

You can't leave, Merlin wanted to say with each kiss. You can't leave me. Selfishness burned through him, made him hold on too tight, made him sob for more when Arthur twisted his hand and pumped his wrist. When Arthur added a second finger, Merlin welcomed the new burn that distracted him from the pain in his chest. He cupped the side of Arthur's face, held him gently as he ravished Arthur's mouth, letting his teeth cut Arthur's lips, plunging his tongue between the cut and bleeding flesh. He pushed his fingers through Arthur's hair, touched the nape of his neck, traced the shell of his ear, thrashed and bucked.

The third finger was almost too much. Merlin dragged Arthur's mouth from his and held him to his neck, shaking with relief when Arthur followed the silent command and bit into the tender flesh. The sharp sting of Arthur's teeth distracted from the harsh burn spreading and consuming him. He sank deeper and deeper, and the pain fought for dominance, tearing Merlin in two different directions until it threatened to rip him apart. Arthur finally lifted his head, gasping for breath, his eyes glazed over and heavy. His swollen lips were gleaming, red and bruised, and maybe Merlin took a modicum of pleasure in the sight. Maybe the part of him that raged impotently at the stupidity of it all wanted to hurt Arthur a little bit, even if he really didn't mean it.

Merlin took the lube from him and poured it in a thick stream over Arthur's shaft. He used both hands to spread it, dragging first his right and then his left palm down Arthur's length. Arthur shuddered, bucking against Merlin's hand, searching for more. His pre-come mingled with the lube, slicking the crown, his cock jerking hard each time Merlin stroked the tender skin. Merlin had never seen Arthur like this, holding himself back with all of his strength, blood rushing close to the surface of his skin, coloring it from his throat to his abdomen, drops of sweat clinging to his throat and shoulders. His fingers were still buried in Merlin, but he stopped moving except for an occasional twitch.

"Arthur."

Arthur nodded, easing away from Merlin and gripping the base of his cock. Merlin wondered if it would be easier on his stomach, but Arthur clearly had his own ideas. He rolled away from Merlin and sat with his back propped against the wall. Merlin frowned at him in blurry confusion, his ears buzzing. Arthur tugged Merlin onto his lap, making him fold his legs against Arthur's. He cupped both hands under Merlin's ass and pulled him, his head tilting back to study Merlin's face. Merlin reach behind him, curling his fingers around Arthur's shaft and guiding the crown to his opening.

From there it was just a matter of sinking down. Arthur let him control the pace, fingers strong but simply holding him. Merlin didn't want to take it slow. He couldn't, when this was all he wanted and there was so little time. His body tried to resist Arthur at first, but Merlin didn't let the sharp sting deter him. He bent his head, finding Arthur's mouth as he took the final inches of Arthur's cock.

"Oh my god…"

"I love you," Merlin gasped out, fingers digging into Arthur's back. He rose up Arthur's body again, his cock trapped between their stomachs, moving only a few inches before Arthur's grip tightened. He froze, pleasure whipping through him at the slight tension. He couldn't quite understand its source or purpose, but his pulse pounded more fiercely at his throat, his skin jumping with each rapid beat. Arthur thrust up, stealing back the few inches Merlin had gained, pushing in hard enough to make Merlin's jaw snap close.

Merlin relaxed into Arthur's hold, biting his lip while he adjusted to the constant pressure. It was too much to take, but Arthur wasn't letting him move and there was nothing to do except hold on.

"I can't believe how tight…Merlin…" Arthur dropped his head to Merlin's shoulder, breathing harshly.

"Gotta move…Arthur please."

Arthur jerked his head. Merlin chose to interpret that as yes, yes go ahead and slowly shifted upwards. This time he didn't stop until only the tip was still encircled by his muscle, then Arthur snapped his hips, thrusting deep and stalling Merlin's breath. His walls flexed and fluttered around Arthur, clenching tight, holding him in place. Merlin rotated his hips, surprised that he felt Arthur all the way up his back.

The third time he shifted, Arthur didn't fight him, but he did shiver when Merlin sank back. From there, Merlin controlled the rhythm completely, Arthur tense but pliant beneath him. Merlin tried to focus on his breathing, tried to stay relaxed, tried to hold Arthur inside of him for as long as possible. He kissed the top of Arthur's head, burying his nose in his hair and wrapping his arms around his back. Arthur's arms enfolded him, and there wasn't an inch of space allowed between them.

Merlin rode Arthur until he thought he would break, and then Arthur fisted his cock, and he did break. His eyes rolled back with pleasure and he fucked himself onto Arthur's shaft harder and harder, head flung back. Come shot from him, splashing across Arthur's chest, a few strands clinging to his throat. Merlin scooped some off with two fingers and brought it to Arthur's mouth. Arthur tongued him without further encouragement, cleaning every bit of it away. This boy would eat come all day if he could and he's going to be a Marine? On the heels of that thought was such a swell of affection that Merlin had to kiss him to keep from choking on it.

Arthur burst inside of him, the sticky liquid filling Merlin's channel and flowing back down Arthur's shaft. As soon as Arthur went lax, Merlin collapsed on top of him, quite certain he would never move again. He felt Arthur sliding down the mattress, and they settled with their arms still around each other, their legs twined together. Merlin felt drained, hollowed out and exhausted. The bitter anger that twisted through him before was gone. It would probably hurt the next day, like the morning after a big cross country meet when everything ached. But for now, he felt okay. Calm. Like he might not dissolve into tears again.

"Do you think you can talk about this now?" Merlin asked.

"Do you think you can talk at all? I'm still feeling pretty speechless."

Merlin smiled a little. "I think I want to try."

"What's left to say?"

"Have you really dropped out of school?"

"Yes. There was no point in sticking around, was there?"

"And you're going to take the GED?"

"Yeah."

Merlin lifted his head. "Arthur…you see the problem here, don't you?"

"What?"

"You can barely concentrate when you have the structure of school. What are you going to do if you're left to your own devices all day without supervision?"

Arthur stiffened. "So you don't think I can do it either?"

"I didn't say that. Who thinks you can't do it?" Arthur tried to turn away from him, but Merlin caught his jaw and forced his eyes forward again. "Who said that?"

"Gaius offered to find a tutor for me, and Uther said that he'd kick me out if I didn't take him up on it."

"Did you?"

"No."

"Arthur."

"I'm smart enough to get my high school diploma."

"Yes, that's true. You're smart enough for a hell of a lot more than that. But the GED will probably cover a lot of information you're not even remotely familiar with. Fuck, Arthur, what are you going to do if you fail that test?"

"Merlin, I don't want to think about this right now…"

"Too bad."

"Not too bad. Can't we talk about it tomorrow?"

"No," Merlin said, a little grumpy from Arthur's surliness. This wasn't pleasant for him, either, but he was not going to let Arthur fuck up this opportunity. Arthur needed help, and if he could put his own life on hold and give Arthur a crash course education, he would. But he couldn't, so he had to help in other ways. "Please agree to the tutor, Arthur."

Arthur sighed. "Okay, I'll talk to Gaius tomorrow."

Merlin smiled to himself and pillowed his head on Arthur's shoulder. He knew he wouldn't need to say anything else on the issue. Once Arthur told Merlin he would do something, nothing short of an act of God would stop him.

"I think you'll make a great marine. Even if you are queer."

Arthur huffed. "Thank you."

"I'll help you study, too."

"But you have…"

"Shh. I've got things under control. I'll help you by devising a system of rewards and punishments."

"What'll be my reward?"

"You can blow me."

"What's my punishment?"

"You can watch while I jerk off."

"That's not too bad."

"But you can't touch me or yourself."

"At all?"

Merlin shook his head. "Nope."

"You're harsh."

"I have to make sure you stay focused."

"Like you're so great at staying focused."

"I think it's been shown more than once that I'm better at it than you."

"Is that so?"

"Yes."

Arthur rolled Merlin onto his back and tilted his head, lips closing around Merlin's nipple. He teased it with his tongue until it hardened. Merlin whimpered, his cock twitching with interest as Arthur sank his fang into the stiff flesh. "Can you focus when I do this?"

"That's…cheating."

"There are no rules to this. How can it be cheating?"

"Don't. I was trying to have a serious conversation."

"Keep talking. Stay focused."

Merlin's throat felt tighter by the second. "You're such a jerk."

Arthur slid his hand over Merlin's stomach and palmed his growing erection. "I'm just trying to prove a point. You probably don't even remember what we were talking about."

Merlin swallowed. "I remember. I just…I just…god, you win, you win. For whatever it's worth."

"It's worth a lot," Arthur murmured, still licking at Merlin's nipple.

"Arthur? Three years isn't that long, right?"

"No, it'll be over before you know it. I can visit you when I'm on leave. We can still email and call and…it won't be any different than if we went to different schools."

Merlin swallowed the knot in his throat and nodded, deciding he would rather believe that lie than face the truth.

Merlin made it back to his house by five thirty, which was a good half hour before Hunith usually woke up. It was cutting it close, but Merlin thought he gave himself enough of a window. He snuck through the backdoor, slipping into the kitchen and preparing for the careful choreography that would get him up to his bedroom without making a sound. He knew every weak point in the floor boards, and exactly how much pressure would make the stairs squeak. This was the first time he planned to use that knowledge to circumvent his curfew but…

"Merlin Emrys, where have you been?"

Shit.

Hunith stood in the doorway in her green bathrobe with the tattered edges and she was pissed. Merlin began summoning his resources, even though he knew it would be a futile effort. Hunith was immune to his charm, and had been since he was four—with rare exceptions.

"I was with Gwen."

"I don't know when you started lying Merlin, but you're going to stop right now."

"But I…"

"Do you think I didn't call Gwen already? Apparently you forgot to let her know that she was your alibi. She said that she hadn't seen you all day."

"I…I was with Arthur."

"Arthur?"

Merlin nodded. "He's…we've…"

"He's that boy you've been seeing?"

Merlin nodded.

"The boy that you never even told me about. Not that it took much thinking to figure out just what had gotten into you."

"I'm sorry. I just didn't know how…I never even told you that I'm…and suddenly I was with Arthur. I'm sorry."

Hunith sighed. "I know you're not a child anymore, Merlin. I know you're going to have a personal life and a boyfriend. But don't you dare frighten me like that ever again. I was worried you were dead on the side of the road somewhere."

"I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean to worry you."

"By the way, I'm your mother, I know you're gay."

Merlin smiled sheepishly. "I'll make you breakfast."

"Gwen told me that you bribed her with food, too."

"What else did Gwen tell you?"

Hunith laughed. "I think you looked more scared now than when you realized your plan had been foiled."

"Well, it's just…" The thought of Gwen and his mother talking always made him nervous. Gwen knew all of his secrets, kept all of his confidences, and generally had the power to destroy him. Not that he didn't trust Gwen, but Hunith could be very sneaky, and Gwen did love to talk.

"You don't want your mother to be involved with your life?"

"Oh, don't say it like that. That's not what I was thinking. Actually…" Merlin looked down and tried his sweetest I'm-really-very-sorry smile. "How mad are you right now? Can I talk to you about something?"

"That depends. Does it involve failing grades?"

Merlin shook his head.

"Are you in any kind of trouble?"

"No, of course not."

"What is it?"

"I…I wanted to talk about Dad."

Merlin didn't miss the flash of surprise on her face, or the concerned tilt of her eyes. "Sit down. I'll put some coffee on."

Merlin wasn't sure he was ready to have this conversation now, but he'd never really be ready for it. He just wanted to talk to somebody who would understand. Somebody who would help, and he couldn't think of anybody better suited than his mother. Talking to her about it might mean coming clean about everything, which wasn't an appealing prospect, but he could skirt around the facts as much as possible and make vaguely allusions when necessary.

Hunith made frozen waffles while she waited for the coffee to finish. She hated them, but Merlin could eat a whole box at a time. If she was making him those for breakfast, she couldn't be too angry, right? He hated upsetting her. He hated the thought of keeping her up all night with worry. He hated that Arthur did something to short-circuit his brain. Merlin wished the whole would could just revolve around his happiness and stop intruding so much on the bubble he was trying to live in with Arthur.

Hunith put a plate with waffles and syrup in front of him, then brought the coffee and sat. "What's going on?"

"I…Arthur is…we're…I love him."

"Is he good to you?"

"Yes. He's great. You'd like him, I think. He's really…wonderful. I've never known anybody like him. He's…he feels like…like he's the other half of me. Like when we were Kindergarten and he stole my graham crackers, I should have just asked him to be my best friend instead of Will."

Hunith smiled a little. "Oh yes, I remember that feeling. Young love."

"It's not just young love, though. Gaius said the same thing. But it's not. There's more to it. There's more to us."

Her smile didn't fade. "I know. I was your age when I met your father, remember."

"Yeah, so…you know what I'm talking about." Merlin sipped carefully at his coffee, his tongue tingling from the heat. She put four sugars in it, just the way he liked it. "He's really smart, but he hates school. Actually, I think he hates everything that's not me and his Xbox. And last night he told me that he's…he's enlisted in the Marines." Merlin released a shuddering breath. "And I'm so scared for him."

"Oh, Merlin…"

"He didn't even talk to me about it. He just…he thinks he's so much less than he is. He thinks he has to do this."

"Maybe he does."

"He's going to die," Merlin whispered.

"Merlin, no, he's not…"

"He is." Merlin sniffed, his voice watery. "He's going to be deployed and he's…"

"Merlin. Oh, Merlin, I know that it must be difficult to believe otherwise, but what happened to your father isn't going to happen to Arthur."

"But there are two wars going on right now, Mom. I mean, I know that it's just support troops in Iraq, but there's still violence. It's more dangerous for Arthur than it was for dad."

"Serving in the military is always dangerous. But there's not a one hundred percent mortality rate. Marines come home to their families all the time."

"I know. I know that logically but…then I remember…"

"Merlin, I'm going to blunt with you because I think that's what you want to hear from me. You know what your choices are. You can accept that Arthur has made his decision and do your best to support him, and he is going to need all the support he can get, or you can walk away from him now. I won't lie to you. It may save you some grief down the road. But you do have to choose."

"I'd never…I could never break up with him."

"It's not going to be easy, Merlin. Long-distance relationships can be especially difficult at your age."

"But you did it, right? It is possible."

"It is, but it's hard. What if you get lonely? What if he does? I won't lie to you. Three years can feel like an eternity when you're waiting for somebody."

"I know. I feel like I'm completely boxed in, and no matter where I look, there's another wall. I can't ask him not to do it, I can't pretend I'm happy about it. I can't imagine breaking up with him, but I can't imagine being alone."

"Perhaps you should just focus on school."

Merlin lifted his head sharply. "Are you going to tell me that me and Arthur have different paths? That I shouldn't let him hold me down?"

Hunith blinked. "Why would I say that?"

"I don't know. Gaius said it."

"I'm not going to tell you what you should feel about Arthur. I'm saying…when I first met your father, I was just a freshman in college and we were at a party. I went to a different party every night. I was a bit of a…social butterfly. But after he shipped out, I stopped doing that. I didn't let anybody distract me from school. I missed him too much when I let myself think about him, so I didn't think about anything except school. I graduated a semester early because of that."

"But…you stopped going to parties? Don't you regret not socializing? Weren't you lonely?" Merlin asked.

"Merlin, knowing you, you're going to find plenty of things to keep you busy."

"Too busy to miss Arthur."

"Too busy to find somebody who might replace Arthur."

"I wouldn't!"

"It's easy to say that now. But when you're lonely and tired and homesick, your mind can play tricks on you. That's going to be especially true for Arthur."

Merlin wanted to protest again, but he understood what Hunith was saying. What if Arthur fucked somebody else? Would he tell Merlin? Would Merlin even want to know about it? What if Merlin got drunk and went home with a tall boy who had broad shoulders and blond hair? The thought of Arthur holding somebody else, letting somebody else fuck him, begging somebody else for more stung. Merlin couldn't deny that. But at the same time, he couldn't expect Arthur to live like a monk. Especially when he was wary of setting up such lofty expectations for himself. But that was just sex. What the two of them had was so much bigger than that. It was an inevitability.

"Can I invite him over for dinner? I'd like you to meet him and I don't think he's ever had a family dinner in his life."

"Of course. But I reserve the right to break out the home movies and photo albums."

"Please don't."

"Consider it your punishment for scaring me half to death."

"Can't you just ground me or something?"

"They aren't that bad, Merlin. Some of those videos are adorable."

"That's what I'm scared of."

"You can also spend the rest of the morning doing the dishes, the laundry, and the floors."

"But I'm tired."

"So am I. I bet you got more sleep last night than I did."

"When did you get so good with guilt?"

"I don't know. I've never had to resort to such underhanded tactics before."

Merlin smiled. "Will you make lasagna tonight?"

"I don't have anything I need for that."

"Please? Arthur lives off of chips and whatever random thing his housekeeper leaves him."

"So then he'd probably be equally impressed with shepherd's pie. Which is what I planned to make tonight."

"Please? Please?"

"If dinner's at eight, I'll need to get the sauce started by two. Should I have everything I need at two, I'll make lasagna."

That meant Merlin needed to add a run to the grocery store to his list of chores. That was fine with him. His first favorite thing in the world was Arthur. His second favorite was his mother's lasagna. He couldn't think of a more perfect night.

"Thanks, Mom. Now go get some sleep." Merlin grinned. "You look terrible. Like you've got suitcases under your eyes."

"Ha ha."

"The house will be sparkling clean when you wake up!"

"It better be."

"And I really am sorry."

Hunith stopped on her way out of the kitchen to kiss the top of Merlin's head. "I know. Finish your breakfast."

Arthur didn't have any experience to back this assumption up, but he was pretty sure that he was not good with parents. It stood to reason, since he wasn't good with his own parent, or teachers, or any adults really. He tried to explain this to Merlin several times, but Merlin was having none of it. Once he told Arthur that Hunith wanted him over for dinner, he simply refused to entertain an argument. He employed underhanded methods, whispering to Arthur everything he wanted to do in his own bed, liberally sprinkling the conversation with terms like suck your cock and fuck you raw.

There was a time not too long ago that Arthur wouldn't have even cared what Hunith thought of him. Her opinion would have been meaningless, good or bad. But Arthur spent the afternoon consumed with anxiety, unable to stop himself from tallying all the faults she'd probably find in him. She wouldn't like his attitude, his posture, his lack of manners. If he was lucky, she would see how much he adored her son. Unless she didn't want other boys adoring her son. Arthur refused to consider that thought for long. Merlin hadn't seemed worried about it, and Arthur wasn't going to borrow trouble.

Merlin told him to be there at eight for dinner, so he arrived at seven thirty, eager to be with Merlin again. Then he'd lingered in his truck for ten minutes, wondering if it was rude to arrive early, berating himself for being nervous when he was just going to have dinner with Merlin, and thinking about how wonderful it'd been to fall asleep with Merlin curled against him, so warm and smooth. He'd fought against the urge to sleep for a full hour, too absorbed by Merlin, who never stopped moving. He tapped his foot, twitched his fingers, jerked his wrist, tossed his head from side to side, rolled to his and then to his right, moaned and whimpered while his eyelids fluttered. Arthur had tucked him close to his body, half pinning him to the mattress until he finally stilled.

At seven forty-five, Arthur found his resolve and marched to the front door. He hadn't known if some sort of gift was expected or appropriate, so he stopped at the Ralph's on the way and bought a random bouquet of flowers. As soon as Hunith opened the door, Arthur thrust them in her face with a gruff, "Hello."

"Ah, hello. You must be Arthur. Come in. Are these flowers for me?"

"Yes. I…thought you might like them," Arthur said lamely, disarmed by both her youth and her warm smile. He'd envisioned somebody with graying hair and wrinkles. Why had he expected somebody old and stern? Maybe because Gaius was a family friend and he seemed older than dirt.

"I do. They're beautiful."

"Is that Arthur?" Merlin's voice carried from somewhere above him.

"Yes," Hunith shouted back.

A second later, what sounded a herd of elephants stampeded through the second floor and down the stairs. Arthur barely had the chance to brace himself before Merlin leapt from the bottom and riser and into his arms. Arthur grunted, automatically closing Merlin in a tight embrace.

"Hi. I thought you'd be here sooner."

"I had to stop."

"He bought me flowers," Hunith said, holding up the bouquet.

Arthur had no idea if Hunith liked the gesture, and Merlin's smile was a thousand-watt, his eyes sparkling. "Come on. Let me show you around the house."

"Don't be long, Merlin. I just took the lasagna out of the oven."

"We won't be," Merlin promised, clasping Arthur's hand. "I'll just give him the five-cent tour."

Silly Arthur thought he was actually going to get a tour of Merlin's home. Instead Merlin pulled him into Hunith's sitting room, cupped the sides of his head, and pressed their mouths together. Arthur opened to the kiss, inviting Merlin's tongue with a soft moan. He licked at Merlin's lips and teased his tongue, momentarily losing himself in Merlin's familiar taste. When his cock twitched, he pulled away from the kiss with a sharp stab of regret.

"That was sweet, you know. Buying the flowers."

"Well, I just wanted to make a good impression."

Merlin's eyes softened, and he leaned in for another kiss. Arthur tried to tell him why it was a bad idea for the two of them to suck face while Hunith was only in the other room, but Merlin cut him off. Arthur gave in, wrapping his arms around Merlin and tuning out the rest of the world. He savored every second he had with Merlin, not taking any of their time together for granted. Even when his common sense was telling him to back away before he really lost control of himself and shoved his hand down Merlin's pants, or dropped to his knees to mouth his cock through his jeans.

"I'm sorry," Merlin said before skimming his mouth over Arthur's jaw. "But you're so cute when you're nervous."

"I'm not nervous."

"You're not happy to be here, either."

"Of course, I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, but I can tell when you're not comfortable. Don't worry. It's going to be fine."

"What have you been doing all day?" Arthur roughly pulled Merlin closer and sniffed at his hair. "You smell weird."

"It's probably the bleach. I've been cleaning all day. And generally being my mom's slave."

"Why?"

Merlin shrugged. "She caught me sneaking in this morning. She was kinda pissed at me for keeping her up all night, so I got stuck doing everything today."

He didn't sound the least resentful about it. Arthur tried to imagine spending an entire Saturday at Uther's beck and call, and he couldn't even imagine what it would be like. He'd sooner jump out the window.

"I'm sorry you got in trouble," he offered.

"It's no problem. But if we're going to do that again, you should probably stay here."

Arthur gaped at him. "Your mother would allow that?"

"Well, not technically. But trust me, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to sneak you out than it would for me to sneak in. Come on. We better go sit down before she comes looking for us."

Arthur followed him to the dining area, which was just a half-room off the kitchen. The table was already set with a bowl of salad, another bowl of rolls, and the most beautiful lasagna Arthur had ever seen. His stomach growled at the sight, his hunger shifting away from Merlin to the feast laid out before him. Luann had made him lasagna once, but that was his only lasagna experience, besides the occasional noodle atrocity in elementary school.

Merlin smiled and gestured at one of the chairs. Hunith cut into the cheesy casserole, and the scent sparked sharp hunger pangs. He forgot his trepidation, eager to dig into the food.

"This is delicious," he enthused after three large bites. "I've never had anything so good."

"Thank you, Arthur. That's very kind."

Arthur finished his serving first, and Hunith graciously dished up a second one without waiting for Arthur to ask for more.

"And I thought Merlin had a healthy appetite."

"I haven't eaten all day," Arthur said, which was partially true. He hadn't had an actual meal all day.

"He eats like this all of the time. I hope they feed him enough in the Marines," Merlin said. It sounded like it was meant to be a joke, but Merlin's tone took turned somber at the end.

"I'm sure they won't starve me," Arthur said with forced lightness.

"Is there a particular reason you chose the Marines, Arthur?" Hunith asked before taking a dignified, even dainty, bite of her dinner.

Arthur lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug. "I've always been interested in the Marines. It seemed like the best fit for me." That was Arthur's practiced response. One he'd prepared just in case somebody did ask him why, and he didn't want to confess that he really liked the uniforms.

"How long did you enlist for?"

"Three years."

Hunith nodded thoughtfully. "That's how long Merlin's father enlisted for. But he ended up staying for much longer than that."

Arthur frowned and looked over to Merlin, who'd stopped chewing and was slouching low in his chair. "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware he served."

"Oh, yes, he was in the Air Force."

His frown deepened as the pieces started to fall together. Merlin never mentioned his father and Hunith kept referring to him in the past tense. Had he died in action? If so, why did Merlin never mention it?

"Ah well, the Air Force was my second choice. If the Marines thing didn't work out."

"I bet it was. Were your parents supportive?"

Arthur shifted. "Yes, my father is very pleased."

"Mom, let him eat."

"No, it's fine." Arthur smiled a little. "Since I've already eaten half the pan."

"Do you want more?"

"Yes," he answered instantly. He didn't even have to think about it.

The conversation was light for the rest of the meal, Arthur desperately searching for something to say that would impress her. Merlin kept talk away from Arthur's enlistment and his family, though Arthur found that he really didn't mind answering Hunith's questions. She seemed genuinely interested in the answers, and he felt like he had her support. It was an odd feeling, considering that he only meant her, but he wasn't really surprised. After all, she was Merlin's mother.

Arthur helped clear the table and volunteered to wash the dishes with Merlin and was rewarded with a pleased smile from Hunith and a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you. And thank you for joining us for dinner. I wish that I'd met you sooner."

Merlin had the grace to look sheepish at that.

"She loves you," Merlin said, as soon as they were alone.

"Really?"

"Yes. It probably helped that you tried to inhale her lasagna."

"It was great lasagna! I can't believe you've been holding out on me for so long." Arthur began rinsing the dishes in the sink, knowing it would be easier to talk to Merlin if he wasn't looking directly at him. "Why did you never mention your father?"

"I…it never came up."

"Merlin."

"I don't talk about him much," Merlin muttered as he opened the fridge. "I didn't even really know him. I barely remember him."

"I didn't know my mother," Arthur admitted. "Morgana remembers her a little. But not much."

"What happened to her?"

"She died when I was born. There were complications and I think…I think that my father had to choose between me and her."

"Did he tell you that?"

"No, but Morgana told me she remembers there was talk and…I never had the courage to ask Uther about it." Arthur methodically washed one of the plates, scrubbing until the sauce was long gone. He looked at his own reflection until he felt Merlin's gentle touch on his shoulder.

"My father was stationed in Saudi Arabia in 1996. There was a terrorist bomb in the building where he lived. He was one of nineteen who died. I was four."

"No wonder you didn't seem thrilled when I told you I enlisted." Arthur abandoned the sink and wrapped his arms around Merlin. Merlin leaned into his embrace, his arms going around Arthur's waist. "Why didn't you tell me, Merlin?"

"I don't know." He took a deep breath then stepped back, reaching for Arthur's hand. "Come on."

"What about the dishes?"

"I'll deal with them later."

Arthur didn't protest again. He followed Merlin up the narrow stairs to his bedroom, eager to see Merlin's private space. It was about ten times messier than Arthur expected, with clothes and books strewn from one end to the other. A giant purple owl took center space on the unmade bed, holding majestic court over the shoes, the papers, the rumpled sheets, and the T-shirts that also covered Merlin's narrow mattress.

"Do you ever clean in here?" Arthur asked.

"It's not that bad."

"It's worse than that bad. There might be rats living in here."

Merlin rolled his eyes. "There aren't any rats or pestilence of any kind."

"Merlin…how old is this bowl with milk in it?"

"I don't know. I didn't eat breakfast up here this morning. Or yesterday."

Arthur grimaced. "Oh my god."

"Like your room is so much better."

"Merlin, Luann straightens and vacuums my room twice a week. I don't think this carpet has ever seen a vacuum cleaner."

"Arthur, are you going to nag me about my room all night?" Merlin asked, unceremoniously dumping everything on his bed to the floor. Everything but the owl. "Come here."

"When was the last time you changed your sheets?"

"What do you care? You're not getting naked on them."

"I'm not?"

"No. For one thing, my mom is still awake downstairs. For another thing, I wouldn't want to gross you out."

Arthur sat on the newly cleaned bed. "I don't know. Maybe it's not that bad."

"I'm just too busy to clean."

Arthur nodded, but he didn't think that was it. Merlin seemed at ease with the mess, avoiding piles of things under his feet and somehow not tripping over everything. He carefully opened the closet door, putting a hand up to stop the avalanche of crap that nearly fell on his head. Arthur didn't know how he managed it, but he held the crap with half his body while straining around the pile to reach a box on the top shelf. He pulled it from the shelf, turned his body, closed the door and stepped away in a single motion that told Arthur he'd been pulling that move his entire life.

Merlin carried the box over to the bed and pulled a picture frame out.

"This is my parents on their wedding day."

Merlin's father towered over Hunith, much thicker and broader than Arthur expected given Merlin's slim build. He wore his formal dress, looking handsome and proud with his bride on his arm. Arthur recognized Hunith's smile. It was the same wide, sweet expression Merlin wore at his happiest.

"He's handsome. I can see the resemblance."

"Really?"

Arthur swallowed a sudden wave of affection. "Yes. Merlin…I think he'd be very proud of you."

Merlin looked up from the photograph, his eyes glistening. "You do?"

"Yes. Why wouldn't he be? You're brilliant and…and wonderful and kind. I'm proud just to know you."

Merlin carefully set the frame aside and pushed the box out of the way, making room to slide closer. Arthur's arm naturally went around him, and he was moving in for the kiss before Merlin closed his eyes. Merlin's mouth was slow and sweet, massaging Arthur's lips with surprising delicacy. Arthur held himself back, following Merlin's lead for as long as he could before cupping Merlin's head and pushing him back to the bed, deepening the kiss as he stretched himself over Merlin's body. Merlin moaned and clasped the back of Arthur's head with clammy fingers.

He should have known Hunith would choose that precise moment to knock on the door.

"Boys? Do you want dessert?"

"I want you," Arthur murmured.

"Later. I promise."

"What's for dessert?"

"Brownies. We'll be right down, Mom!"

"I thought we could watch a movie, too."

"Sounds good."

"A movie?" Arthur whispered. "I've got other plans for you."

"It won't kill you to wait on those plans for a few hours. Besides, we can sit on the couch under the blanket."

"I'm not going to cuddle on the couch with you while your mom is in the room," Arthur protested.

"Yes, you will. And you'll love it. Now get off me before she gets impatient and opens the door."

Arthur grumbled a bit more, but deep down inside he had to admit that Merlin was probably right.