Chapter 5: The Tooth of the Matter

Alex had a new game, one Richard was not particularly a fan of. When he had lifted her out of her crib in the morning, she had babbled away happily and then, inexplicably, lifted a hand and slapped him around the face, before bursting into giggles. Of course, since she was such a small child, there wasn't much force behind the slap and it didn't hurt him – but Richard still found it disturbing that she found slapping around the face hilarious.

If that had been the end of the matter, he supposed he could have lived with it, but she did it twice whilst he was trying to make them all breakfast. "Alex!" He said indignantly. "Don't slap!" Alex was probably encouraged by the fact that Harry was also amused by watching her hit Richard.

He was less amused when, at the school gates as he bent over to give his little sister a sloppy kiss goodbye, she gave him the same face slapping treatment Richard had been treated too.

"Alex don't slap Harry!" Richard said, physically grabbing Alex's hand and pushing it down hoping she'd get the hint.

"That's assault!" Harry cried, pointing an accusing finger at his sister.

"Harry, it isn't assault. She doesn't understand the concept – she's under the age of criminal responsibility anyway."

"And so am I!" He said whilst making moves towards Alex as if he intended to get some revenge. Richard intervened by grabbing him around the waist.

"You aren't too young to spend the evening on the naughty step," he told his son firmly. Harry glared at him, and stormed into school – the second time in as many days. Richard hoped Harry didn't report him for any crimes today.

The random slapping continued throughout the day, with Richard desperately trying to convince Alex she shouldn't be doing it. He physically lost count of the time he said 'don't slap' or 'no slapping, Alex!' At least a quick check on the internet showed he was not the only parent out there to face the issue.

Alex spilt her lunch over herself, as she somehow managed to do every day, and Richard was rather alarmed to find they had entirely run out of clothes for her. There was not a single clean baby outfit in the house. He was forced to strip her down to just her nappy and force as many clothes into the washing machine as possible, selecting the least dirty item from the basket to dress her in for picking up Harry from school later. Richard had never realised how much dirty clothing she produced – or perhaps he was worse at keeping Alex clean than Camille was.

Harry was absolutely beaming when he came running towards him at the end of the school day, something clutched tightly in his hands.

"Daddy guess what?" Harry cried happily.

Richard knew exactly what, one look at his son was enough, but he knew that wouldn't be any fun for Harry so instead he asked, "Oh, I don't know, what?"

Trembling with excitement, Harry unfurled his fist to reveal the incisor laying there – he had lost his first tooth. Camille was going to be gutted to not be here.

"Wow!" Richard said, enthusiasm somewhat forced – he had been at boarding school when he started to lose teeth at seven, it was not considered a big deal there. But he imagined Camille would want to do the whole tooth fairy routine, and though he wasn't quite sure what the point of it was there was no way his son was missing out on that or any aspect of childhood. "You keep that safe, Mummy is going to want to see when we chat to her on the computer later!"

"And then under my pillow for la petite souris!"

"Is that French for Tooth Fairy?" Richard guessed. He wasn't familiar with the French for fairy, though he knew tooth was la dent. Perhaps they didn't use the exact phrase 'tooth fairy'.

"Tooth Fairy!" Harry looked confused. "What is the tooth fairy?"

"Well, she is who comes and takes your tooth from under the pillow and leaves you money," Richard answered, tentatively. "She needs them to build her house."

"But…la petite souris is a mouse Daddy, and he takes your teeth not some fairy. That is what Miss Meunier told me!" Harry was giving Richard a suspicious look, as if he thought he father was playing some sort of trick on him discussing fairies.

"Um, well, you see la petite...mouse and the Tooth Fairy are actually the same. You see the Tooth Fairy can chose to take the form

of a mouse to visit boys and girls if she desires." Considering he had to think of something on the spot, Richard didn't think that was a bad explanation. Harry, however, didn't look entirely mollified.

"How come she is a girl when she is a fairy and a boy when a mouse?" He asked.

Richard briefly considered some explanation along the lines of the tooth fairy belonging to a sub-culture that values androgyny, but rapidly concluded that sort of thing might be a bit beyond Harry's understanding. Instead he offered, a little lamely, "Well its magic Harry!"

"You think Miss Meunier would have mentioned that as well," He said thoughtfully, but did seem satisfied by the offered clarification. Harry next moved on to a discussion of how much his tooth might be worth, and wondering aloud if teeth changed value over time. "You know," he told Richard. "If lots of kids lose teeth one day, do they each get less money each because there is an oversupply of teeth?"

Richard was at a loss to how his son could have a concept of supply and demand and equilibrium prices, but still be willing to accept the existence of a magic gender swapping fairy mouse…

In his excitement about the tooth, Harry had practically forgotten about the kittens until he went to the loo and heard them mewling. Mrs Poofs had not deigned to move the kittens from their current location, though she had emerged several times to eat excessive amounts of food before returning to her young. Harry sat with her and quietly explained how it was important that she, or any of her 'pooflings', didn't attack the little mouse.

Richard had the connection set up and running well ahead of the agreed start time, still feeling guilty about forgetting about yesterday. He had to be rather firm with Harry, who had wanted to arrange the kittens in a pile in front of the laptop, but once he explained they were too little to be played with (just like when Alex had been born) he had acquiesced. Alex was very interested in trying to gnaw the mouse, every time he moved it she would reach and grab for it – sometimes balancing precariously to do so, until he just gave in disconnected it and gave it to her. He could just use the one on the laptop.

It was a bit of a relief when Camille did 'dial in' as he wasn't sure how much longer he could have kept the children seated. Alex was clambering all over him, and he had hold of her legs as she attempted to climb over the sofa, when Camille spoke her greeting. Alex's reaction was startling, she immediately turned and lunged towards the sound of her mother's voice with an excited squeal. No doubt she would have flattened the laptop if Richard wasn't holding on to her.

"Well, I guess you don't have to worry about her forgetting you," Richard quipped, whilst holding a wriggling Alex as still as he could manage. She seemed to have realised Camille was not actually here now, but appeared to think she might be able to physically shake her mother out of the computer.

"You thought there was a chance she would?" Camille asked, looking stricken.

"No, of course not, just a joke, how are you?"

"I'm good, yes, Maman is feeling a little unwell though so she is having a lie down," She shared a significant look with Richard, he knew there was probably something else going on – he could only conclude Catherine was too upset to come on, but Camille didn't want to make Harry anxious for his grandmother.

"LOOK MUMMY!" Harry interrupted, shoving his tooth directly at the screen. To be fair Richard thought Harry had shown remarkable restraint in not doing so immediately. "I LOST MY FIRST TOOTH!" Richard thought that, at his current volume, it may be possible for Camille to hear Harry without the need for Skype.

As he feared, a flash of disappointment went across Camille's face – she was obviously distressed not to be here for this childhood milestone. She quickly masked it though for the benefit of her son, "Oh my goodness how wonderful my sweet boy! Are you going to put it under your pillow for la petite souris?"

"So you think it is a little mouse that collects the teeth?" Harry surprised his mother by asking.

"Well of course, what else would it be, a rat perhaps? A sheep? Or an octopus?" She teased.

"What about a fairy?"

"Oh," Camille said, clearly realising what Harry was talking about. "You mean the Tooth Fairy? Well you see there are two magical creatures who collect teeth, the tooth fairy who works in England and the little mouse in France, and actually both operate on Saint Marie because historically it was part of both countries. So either could end up visiting you!" Camille clearly thought she was being clever, she had no idea that Richard had come up with a different suggestion earlier in the day. Harry, inevitable, picked up on the discrepancy immediately.

He crossed his little arms and looked suspiciously between his father and the computer screen, where his mother was starting to look a little nervous. "Now this is just silly! Miss Meunier only told me about a mouse, and then Daddy says it was a fairy and then told me it was a fairy that could change into a mouse! But Mummy you have said the fairy and mouse are separate!" He paused, and sudden realisation dawned on his face. "They are made up aren't they?"

Richard and Camille exchanged a glance. He felt there was no point in trying to pretend anymore, so with a sigh reached for his wallet. "Yes, they are both made up, here is your two quid for the tooth. Go put it safely in your piggy bank." Harry snatched the coin from Richard's hands, glaring at his father.

"Oh Richard, did you have to ruin the magic like that?" She was looking annoyed. "We could have thought of something!"

Richard shook his head, "Come on, Camille, you know how bright he is. Once he was suspicious we never had a chance. Besides he directly asked up if they were made up, I wouldn't have felt good lying." Camille eventually nodded, agreeing with him, and he knew he wasn't in that much trouble with her.

Harry was returning now, walking slowly towards the couch and looking pensive. He remained silent for a few minutes after he sat back down, whilst Alex spoke nonsense to her mother. Then suddenly, he looked up and asked, very seriously, "Does this mean Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny aren't real either?"

OK, now Richard was in trouble.