Chapter 8: A Series of Unfortunate Events

A/N: Time to reunite poor Richard with his wife. He has suffered enough, though there are still a few challenges ahead. Quite a long chapter but always as I had planned to end it!

Richard was once again awoken by Mrs Poof's yowling, but this morning it sounded like she was still in the bathroom, and feeling rather aggressive. As he was still trying to fully wake up, he heard his son cry out in pain, which caused Richard to leap out of bed and stumble towards the bathroom. There he found Harry sitting in one corner, nursing a bleeding hand and glaring at Mrs Poofs who stood guard over her kittens, hissing menacingly.

"Harry, what happened?" Richard asked, crouching down next to the tearful boy. He then noticed something else, "Why have you got the cat carrier in here?"

Harry sniffed dramatically and wailed, "I wanted to take Mrs Poofs and the pooflings to the airport to see Mummy and Mémère, but she attacked me when I tried to pick one up!"

Richard gently examined his son's hand, which had some scratches that were bleeding but weren't too deep. He'd need bandaging up though. With a sigh Richard stood, fetched the first aid kit from just across the room, and then explained patiently, "Harry, first of all the kittens are far too young to leave the house, they haven't even opened their eyes yet and won't for a while. And secondly, it is 6 hours until we go to the airport!"

"Well you always say it tales hours to get Mrs Poofs into the cat carrier so I thought I would start early!" Harry replied. "Why did she attack me? It was mean!"

"She was just scared you might hurt the kittens, Harry. Becoming a Mummy or a Daddy makes you very protective. I wouldn't be very nice to somebody I thought was going to hurt you."

"But she knows I won't hurt them!" Harry protested.

"No, she doesn't, because she has never had kittens before. You have to be very gentle and patient with her. Just like when Mummy was pregnant with Baby 2, you remember that don't you?" Richard didn't feel like explaining hormones and instincts too deeply, and hoped his example would work.

"Oh, ok, I understand," Harry said. "Sorry Mrs Poofs," he called across the bathroom. The cat was just starting to settle down, her hackles were no longer raised and she had stopped thrashing her stump of a tail, but she was still watching them both warily.

Richard looked down at the no bandaged hand and frowned, it wasn't the neatest job. "Gosh, your Mummy isn't going to be very impressed, is she?"

He just hoped nothing else would go wrong today.

"Bye bye!" Alex said, as Richard plucked her from the cot.

"No, Alex, it is Hello in the morning," he told her cheerfully. She would probably shout 'bye' when she saw Camille, at least then he would have evidence she had learnt a new word in his care. In response to his suggestion, his darling daughter gave him another slap across the face. "Don't slap, Alex," he said almost mechanically. Richard wasn't sure why he bothered, she didn't seem to take it in at all.

From somewhere in the house Harry shouted a reminder that Alex was to wear her new purple skirt. Ah, so that plan was still going ahead. Richard pulled it out from the shopping back and managed to get it on Alex, who was extra wriggly this morning. In the kitchen, he found Harry wearing the odd combination of his purple skirt and a formal shirt he had worn to a wedding a few months before. Perhaps he would start some sort of new fashion.

He was carefully arranging paper towels over his lap. "Don't want to spill anything on it!" He explained to Richard, who just smiled and didn't say anything. Having seen his son's filthy clothing, he wasn't convinced the cleanly attitude would last too long.

With some of the time he had left before leaving to pick up Camille, Richard tried to get the place straightened out. And, he discovered, there was far more straightening out to do that he had previously imagined. Another load of washing was in, but still somehow hadn't gotten rid of all of Harry's dirty clothes, so Richard took a lesson from his son and stuffed them in the draw. He would volunteer to do the load tomorrow as well and hopefully get away with his laundry fail. It occurred to him Camille must to a hell of a lot more washes a week than he previously imagined. He had thought doing one load of a week made him a good husband, now he wasn't so sure.

Richard caught site of himself in a mirror and did a double take. He was not looking his best. Having never managed to get hold of a razor for himself, he was in desperate need of a shave. He also looked old, really old. Many times he had half-heartedly grumbled people would think he was Harry and Alex's grandfather, but today he looked like he might well be. A few weeks previously he and Camille had joked about how they would spend the first week after Alexandra left home just in bed together, occasionally leaving to seek food. It was pretty much how they had spent their honeymoon. Richard thought if somebody offered to takes the kids off them for a week now he wouldn't have the energy to manage that, let alone in 17 odd years' time.

It's a good thing he loved his family, Richard concluded, because he was certain they would be the death of him.

Loading the children into the car, Richard belted in Sniff as requested by Alex's desperate pointing and made a mental note not to let this stuffed elephant out of his sight. He did not want a repeat of the start of the week as a finale that was for sure.

"Are you happy Mummy is coming back?" Harry asked him, as Richard found himself humming along to the soundtrack of Frozen (Harry's choice of music, of course, and they would no doubt be watching it as well latter).

"Of course I am!"

"Good, because I don't think you seemed to miss her much," Harry pointed out, rather unfairly Richard thought.

"Of course I missed your mother," Richard insisted.

"You better have!" Harry said in an almost threatening manner. It was really a rather bizarre conversation. "We should have made a sign!" The boy cried suddenly, looking devastated. "Like on the TV. That says MUMMY and MEMERE so they can find us! WHAT IF THEY DON'T FIND US? DO I LOOK DIFFERENT?"

"Harry they will find us! You haven't changed except for the tooth and Mummy saw that on Skype, remember?" Richard reassured him as he tried to park the car, a task that is twenty times harder when a 6 year old is shouting in the back seat and his sister is singing in a made up language.

"Are you sure?" He sniffled.

"Harry, I promise Mummy and your Grandmother will recognise you."

"Oh my goodness, you've grown so much in just a week!" Camille cried as the hurried over to them, gathering Harry up first. "I almost didn't recognise you!" Richard knew this wasn't true, it was just a phrase, but it didn't stop Harry shifting in his Mother's arms to shoot him a glare. Well, hopefully now Camille was back Richard would be on the receiving end of less of those dirty looks.

Catherine relieved him of an overly excited and loudly squealing Alex and Harry let go of his Mother to also welcome home his Mémère. Now that neither of them had children attached, Richard took the opportunity to pull Camille into a hug. The first thing he noticed was the smell of her – a combination of perfume, shampoo and something that was just her, and until that moment he hadn't realised he had been missing it. He found himself suddenly reluctant to let go of her, but then his innate Englishness took over to remind him this counted as a public display of affectation and that it had lasted more than 10 seconds and so he took a step back, shooting her a warm smile instead. She kissed him quickly, and then grimaced.

"You need a shave," she told him rather firmly.

"I know, I kept forgetting to buy razors every time I went to the shops."

"Honestly, I leave you in charge of your own toiletries for a week and look what happens! Oh well, as long as this isn't a permanent look," she said, gesturing to the 3 days' worth of stubble he was now sporting. "Hi Alex!" Camille said next, turning and taking possession of her daughter. She smiled sweetly and babbled excitedly.

"I completely expected her to greet you with 'bye bye', it is what she said first thing this morning," Richard told her.

"Oh, did you learn a new word, Alex?" Catherine asked.

"Slap!" Alex said.

There was a moment of silence, before both Catherine and Camille turned quizzical, but not quite accusing, looks on him. It was definitely not one of the words Richard had been hoping to teach Baby 2 whilst Camille was away, but of course it was one she had learnt - and the first impression left by that fact probably wasn't in his favour. "She started slapping people this week," Richard hurried to explain. "I've been repeatedly saying "don't slap Alex" every time she does, she must have picked up the word that way."

"Oh Richard, I hardly thought you took to beating her whilst I was away," Camille said with a patient sort of smile. "Of course I will be seeking an explanation as to why my son's hand is bandaged…" Camille had seemed like she was going to carry on with that thought, but had spotted something that gave her pause. Harry was currently twirling around for his grandmother, who looked like she was trying not to laugh. "Why is Harry wearing a skirt?"

Richard cleared his throat and said, "Well, he expressed a desire to own a skirt."

"But why did he want to wear one?"

Richard frowned, "I didn't ask. I thought it best to let him have one as I didn't want to force gender stereotypes on him."

"Right," Camille said, looking suspicious. "Harry!" Her son came running over, still buzzing with excitement. "Harry, why did you ask for a skirt?"

"Oh, Uncle Dwayne said he would give me a fiver if I asked Daddy for a skirt, a tenner if I got him to buy a skirt and twenty if I could get Daddy to wear a skirt. I did try once for the twenty but Daddy didn't seem that interested and a tenner is a lot of money!" Harry said all of this without any trace of guilt. Clearly if Richard had asked him he would have admitted it freely as well. Catherine had given up trying to suppress her laughter at his declaration.

"Right, well you make sure you get that money off Uncle Dwayne soon, Harry, because he's going to get fired and not have much money in the future," Richard said through gritted teeth.

"You can't fire Uncle Dwayne!" Harry cried instantly. "That would be unfair dismissal!"

Richard wasn't sure where Harry had learnt the term unfair dismissal, but then again he wasn't sure where Harry picked up half the knowledge he possessed. With a sigh he said reassuringly, "I won't be firing Uncle Dwayne, you can relax."

Outside of the terminal, Catherine insisted on taking a taxi. "It'll be far too tight a fit with the two kids and all our luggage!" She told Richard and Camille. "And out of your way to drive me home as well." She gave the kids another quick hug each and then said to Camille as she was climbing into the cab, "Don't forget my offer!"

"What offer?" Richard asked, as the family made their way to the car.

"I'll tell you later!" She replied rather mysteriously.

Richard noted it was a lot easier to load the kids into the car when there were two of you. "Alex has a new elephant?" Camille asked, strapping in Sniff.

"Yes, I'll explain when she is in bed," Richard said hurriedly. He feared that Camille mentioning the name Snoof might cause Alex to go back into mourning.

Camille just shrugged, sliding into the passenger seat. She delved into the pocked of her jeans to retrieve her mobile, but it slipped from her hands and under the seat. "Whoops!" She said, having long ago learnt not to curse. She reached down and groped about, frowning. "Oh, what's this?" She said, clearing having found something unexpected. With a tug, she pulled it free. "Oh, it's Snoof!"

"SNOOF!" Alex screamed, delighted, straining forward in her seat to grab the toy from Camille and hug it too her tightly. Richard could not believe his eyes. The entire time the blasted toy had been under the passenger seat, it must have been knocked under there when he was trying to strap the kids in a week ago. It had never occurred to him to look there. He needed to think fast now though.

"WOW!" He said dramatically. "I guess Snoof came back from the circus!" Alex wasn't even paying attention, she was just hugging the elephant close to her and babbling. He wondered if she would now lose interest in Sniff, but the next moment Alex began to play with both elephants.

"CIRCUS?" Camille mouthed at him, clearly confused by his behaviour. He shot her an 'I said I'd explain later look' which she just accepted. The rest of the journey involved Camille answering the 121 questions that Harry asked her about her trip to France which included gems such as 'did you see a working guillotine?' and 'how many different kinds of goat's cheese did you eat?'.

Finally, as they were pulling in the drive, Harry asked, "Are you going to do the laundry now Mummy?"

"What?" Camille responded.

"Oh, Harry doesn't like the way I wash his clothes, I think he'd like you to re-do them all," Richard said, hoping not to give the impression that the household had a massive laundry backlog. Which, of course, it did.

"Well maybe not right now Harry, though it is nice to know you missed at least one thing about me!"

"I missed other things as well!" He said instantly. "You're pancakes are better!" Camille exchanged an amused look with Richard, he knew that she knew that Harry – that all of them – had pretty much missed everything about having her around, not just the domestic stuff. He picked up one of her cases and dragged it into the house.

"I swear this is heavier than when you left!" He complained. Camille just looked guilty.

"I may have picked up a few things whilst I was in France…"

Normally he would huff and give a little lecture about wasting money, a lecture Camille always sat through, looking chastised. Of course that was all an act, as she would still take the odd spontaneous shopping trip – but they were, to be fair, few and far between. And he had made the odd impulse purchase that had caused her to sigh as well. He was too happy to have her back today to whine at her, so he just rolled his eyes and continued to drag the case to their bedroom.

"You don't have to help me unpack, I'll be fine. My Little Pony starts soon," she said lightly.

"Does it?" He asked brightly, forgetting himself for a moment. When she smiled playfully at him, he knew he had no chance of defending himself. "I think I can do without it," he said shortly, annoyed with himself. "Besides, surely you need help unpacking?"

From a distance, they could hear a still excitable Harry running towards the bedroom making aeroplane noises. "The biggest help would be to keep the kids out from under my feet! I've missed them loads, but I really need a shower."

"Muuuuuummmmmy…." Harry squealed as he skidded to a halt outside the door.

"Is going for a shower," Richard told his son firmly, scooping him up. "You and I and Alex are going to let her get settled back in, aren't we?"

Harry mumbled something that sounded like it might be an agreement.

Richard had just settled down on the sofa, Alex on his lap and Frozen now on the DVD player for the fiftieth viewing when, for the second time that day, he jumped up to run to the bathroom in response to a cry. He arrived to find Camille staring in surprise at the kitten she was clutching, whilst Mrs Poofs complained loudly.

"I went to get clean towels and I pulled this out instead!" She said. "I completely forgot she had kittens in the towel cupboard."

"Yes, well, I suggest you give him or her back before Mrs Poofs attacks," Richard said, preparing to bravely dive between the cat and his wife if it came down to it. Camille luckily responded to his prompt, and gently placed the kitten back with her mother. Mrs Poofs picked it up by the scruff of the neck and brought it further into her cupboard. "There are new towels in the bedroom," Richard told her.

"Right," she said, a little dismissively as she was now clearly more interested in the kittens then a shower.

Harry arrived, holding his sister by the hand, "Did you meet the pooflings, Mummy?" Alex echoed her brother with a, "Poofs!" of her own.

"Yes, my darling boy, which one do you think we should keep?"

Richard very nearly let out his own yelp of surprise, he had never even wanted one cat (though, admittedly, he and Mrs Poofs did seem to get on ok) and certainly hadn't intended for them to keep any of the kittens.

"I think we should keep all of them," Harry naturally suggested. He prayed that Camille was not on agreement on that point.

"Oh no Harry, four cats is a little too many," Camille said much to Richard's relief and Harry's disappointment.

"Then the one without a tail so Mrs Poofs doesn't get jealous," Harry suggested. It made an odd sort of sense actually.

Camille agreed as well, "Now go back to whatever you were doing, Mummy still needs her shower."

Richard as resisting the urge to join in with 'Let it Go', when he heard Camille calling his name. "RICHARD!" She shouted, sounding rather irritated with him. He had no idea why. He told Harry to stay with his sister and keep watching the moving, and went off in search of his wife. Richard located her in Harry's bedroom, hands on hips and a look of frustration on her face.

"What are you doing?" He asked, trying to sound innocent despite the fact it was obvious the game was up.

"Well, I needed to wash some of my clothes and I thought, since Harry had mentioned it, I'd throw a few of his clothes in as well. Strangely, there was nothing in the hamper, so I came in here because sometimes he kicks dirty clothes under the bed. But there weren't any there, despite the fact I could smell them as I came in the door. Why oh why is his draw full of dirty clothes?"

He shifted, "Um, well, Harry hid his dirty clothes because he doesn't like the way I wash them."

"But surely you noticed the lack of his clothes in the wash? OR THE SMELL?"

"Well," he said slowly, deciding now was as good a time to admit his mistakes as any. "Truth be told Camille, I didn't quite realise how much laundry you must actually do. You know, I sort of thought I did one load a week and you did another…" Camille snorted with laughter at that. "I mean, when do you get it all done?"

"I put it on a timer overnight usually," she said. "I can't believe you didn't notice!"

That made Richard feel even guiltier. "I promise I'll do more loads! I have a brand new appreciation for everything you do."

She looked at him for what seemed like a long time, as if she was trying to judge his sincerity, and eventually he must have passed because she gave a small shake of her head, gave him a quick peck on the cheek and then, with a grimace, returned to the less than pleasant task of sorting through Harry's filthy clothes. Richard helped her gather them together and they walked towards the utility room.

As they negotiated the kitchen Camille, who was just behind him, let out a sudden scream. He turned to find she had dropped all the clothes and was scrambling to get something out of her hair. "What's the matter?" He cried, dropping his own pile of laundry. "What is it?"

"Something fell on my head, it was horrid and slimy and massive!" Camille wasn't normally the type to panic, and Richard thought a lot of it might stem from tiredness. Since a tired Camille was also sometimes quite a dangerous, easily angered Camille, he didn't burst into laughter when he realised what had happened. Even though he really, really wanted to.

"Oh it's ok, it's ok, it is just a pancake!"

"A PANCAKE?" She half squealed.

"DID THE PANCAKE FALL DOWN?" Harry shouted from the living room.

"YES," Richard shouted back.

"A pancake?" Camille repeated, examining the bits of batter she was pulling out of her hair. "What the hell?"

Richard examined the ceiling, "You know I honestly forgot it was up there…"

"What was a pancake doing up there?"

It was a fair question. "I sort of flipped it and it ended up stuck on the ceiling," he said, with a small shrug.

Camille paused, "I didn't think that happened in real life."

"I know, right?"

Later on both Alex and Harry insisted on Camille putting them to bed, which given her absence was not surprising. Richard sat on the sofa, glad of the break and sure that he meant it when he promised to help Camille more. It wasn't because he hadn't been willing to help out before, it was more that he hadn't quite realised just how much work she did.

Camille came in and joined him on the sofa. "Kids are in bed," she said, big smile on her face.

"Oh good," he replied, suppressing a yawn.

Camille frowned, "You aren't reacting to that news in the way I imagined."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I've just said the kids are in bed, and I've been away for a whole week…I assumed you'd be dragging me off to bed about now."

"Right," Richard said, trying to rouse himself. "I suppose we could if you like."

Camille didn't seem pleased with that response, "You suppose? What, you didn't miss me?"

"Oh, of course I missed you. I was just too tired all of the time to miss you like, um, that. And I'm sorry, I'm still quite tired now," he admitted. "Though I could probably manage it if I had to."

Camille giggled, "How romantic."

"Well, you know, anything for you."

"Well, luckily for you, I am equally tired and don't really feel like it either. Shall we just go to bed, to sleep?" She asked, laying a head on his shoulder.

Richard thought about this for a moment, "I might just need to rest on the sofa for a few more minutes, to get enough energy to make it to the bedroom…"

He could feel Camille smiling, "Ok, we can stay here for a while."

"What was your Mother's offer?" Richard asked, suddenly remembering the incident from the airport earlier.

"Oh yes, she is going to come here tomorrow and stay over, and look after the children." Camille told him.

"But we'll be here," Richard said, confused. "Do you mean she's coming to visit?"

"No, she is doing it so we can have some alone time," Camille explained.

"But we'll be here, so we won't be alone!"

"You really are tired. We won't have to be here, she can stay with the kids and we can go out for dinner or something and then stay in my old room at her place. Where we will be alone, undisturbed, left in peace, no interruptions…"

"Ok, ok, I get it!" Richard interrupted her. "Though it makes me uncomfortable your mother would know what we were up to…"

"Richard she knows we have sex. It is, after all, where babies come from."

"She isn't just volunteering because she wants a third grandchild, is she?" Richard asked, feeling a bit panicked. A second cat was going to be a big challenge, a third child might just kill him.

"No, you can relax. Just wants to ensure we have quality time."

"Right then," Richard said, surging up from the sofa and offering a hand. "If we are going to have some quality time, I think I better get some quality sleep now." Because he wouldn't be getting much tomorrow!

A/N: Being kept very busy at work, hence the long delay in an updates recently. I am doing my best though. Blatantly utilised ideas supplied by Willowsticks for this story!