AN: Story based (vaguely) on some of the promo pics for Blue bird. The view from the other side.
Disclaimer: Written for fun … or frustration.
He's outside her door, begging her to talk to him. "Lisbon, please open the door." Nothing. He is fairly certain she is in the room having looked everywhere else. The car is still in the lot. He has tried calling her, but gets nothing. Just voicemail every, single, time. It reminds him of Red John having her. It still causes him nightmares, this one is just while he is awake. This case, they've worked together beautifully. She lets him work and he finds her so much better to work with than Fisher. No offence to the other agent, but she is just not as good at this as Lisbon. Then again, Lisbon has had a lifetime of training on how to deal with damaged men. The thought is surprising. Her father, her brothers … him. He heads off hoping to find her somewhere else.
He knows she is upset about leaving. He just cannot really figure out what it is that is upsetting her. The voice in his head pipes up in a remarkable likeness to a very annoyed Lisbon that he knows exactly why and is just being a jerk. Perhaps he is being a jerk. Actually he is a jerk and that is the problem. Marcus Pike is much less of a jerk and anyone will tell you that. She should be with someone like Pike. Kind, caring, not damaged. Only she seems so out of sorts. She still works like a machine, but then he knows from experience that she can function perfectly well on no sleep under extreme stress. Which only makes him worry more. Why is she so out of sorts?
He knows she loves him. It is the only reason she would put up with all the crap he has produced and delivered to her during the more than a decade long relationship. He's just not sure that love is enough, and he is not even willing to entertain the thought that she is really 'in' love with him. In truth, he suspects she is, which gave him hope, up to that point when she lay into him on the plane. She is so adamant that she wants to make her own decisions about her life. It is understandable, look at what he went through to get his way with Abbott. She's been flung back and forth for a decade by him and her superiors because of him. They should have given her a commendation after Red John, not sent her to the middle of nowhere Washington. It still makes him furious. He had hoped that getting her the FBI job would at least be enough of an apology for losing the CBI. Pike will also probably not cause her to lose her job. Although he suspects that she lost a great deal more than just the job.
He tries calling her again, still just voicemail. He's left probably a dozen messages and even more missed calls followed by texts. "Lisbon just let me know you are okay. Please, you're scaring me." It is difficult that message, makes him feel vulnerable. Half an hour later he phones Wiley demanding that her phone be traced. He heads back to her hotel room, the phone is there, hopefully she is as well. It still does not explain her ignoring him. He knocks again, it's now dark and well past dinner time. The lights in her room are off. Could she be sleeping? Is she sick? She seemed fine earlier.
He keeps knocking repeatedly before eventually giving her an ultimatum "Let me in or I'm opening the door." He waits a few seconds then picks the lock. The light from the hallway makes it possible to see enough to tell she is not in the bed. He closes the door and puts on one of the small lights. There is something just 'off' about this situation. He carefully moves around checking the bathroom. Still no Lisbon before moving further into the room.
He notices her sitting with her back against the bed staring out the window. She's breathing, which is good but her entire posture is just wrong. She looks defeated and small. He is working hard to keep himself in check but the panic is starting to overwhelm even his best attempt at biofeedback. She turns her head watching him and his heart stops. She's been crying and still has tears running down her face. What the hell is going on? He is desperately trying to make sense of why she would be here like this. He is desperate to hold her, somehow comfort her he is just not sure she would let him.
He cautiously moves closer, she's not reacting, seems almost dazed, which is doing nothing for his emotional state. By the time he gets on his knees in front of her he can also tell she is trembling. She is so completely broken and hurt it is killing him. What the hell happened? He tries to force himself to calm down and help her. Reaching out to grasp her hand. "Lisbon look at me." His voice is breaking, dammit. She is still watching him in something of a daze and the panic is busy overwhelming him. Please let her be okay. "Teresa." That seems to get a reaction as she her vision seems to clear and she focusses on him properly. Once he has her attention her tries to be patient with his questions but suspects it may still come off impatient. "What happened?" This seems to confuse her, which is ridiculous because she cannot be in this state about nothing. He is begging. "Talk to me." That panic is now taking hold full force and he is very much afraid for her, for himself, he cannot quite separate the two. "What are you afraid of Jane?"
He wants to scream out that everything scares him right now, but mostly that he has found her in this state and he has no idea what to do or why she is like this. He only realises he has pulled away when she moves to a much more defensive position clutching her knees against her chest. Immediately he tries to reach for her again, it is then, as she flinches. Flinches away from him, and lets the emotions flicker across her face, that he finally realises she is like this because of him. His mind is running through the entire scenario again, it is much easier to work through a situation when you know what the cause and effect are. It hits him like a freight train. She is in love with him and her mood is due to her leaving and his, to date, lack of response regarding this. He needs to fix this, and fix it now, so he pulls her bodily into his embrace and onto his lap. She tenses and he almost expects her to hit him. Instead she just sags against him relaxing, she is still crying and the pain is still radiating off her. Shit. Perhaps trying to not sway her has been a mistake. He wants her, no needs her to make her own decisions so he knows where he stands … That thought stops him dead. She probably has some issue with that too, after all he has been so careful to not influence her it may come off as him not really caring. Damn. He has been rubbing her back before carefully massaging the back of her head. She seems to have calmed down completely and is almost asleep. He has to tell her, tell her so she at least knows how he feels, she can't go thinking he does not care.
"I am terrified of losing you. Teresa. You are important to me, but, I keep on hurting you. Maybe …" It hurts to admit but she would be so much better off with Pike. Only that means he will lose the one person who has managed to put him mostly back together again. It is so depressing, and he knows she will go, it is the only logical thing to do, and she is nothing if not logical. He should let her go, send her off with Pike. That pain in his chest flares up burning him alive from the inside, and he feels the tears running down his face as he forces out the next words. "You'll be better off away from me, happier." She's watching him, has been since he started talking but now as he says the words her face clears, and she softly responds, incredibly, with "I'm in love with you Patrick." Having her say the words, combined with his name is amazing and terrifying. He is having real trouble trying to keep track of the situation and is emotionally just wrung out. She may be in love with him but that still does not mean she will not be going to DC and he is waiting for her to let him down gently, although really anything she says will probably just destroy what little is left of his heart.
She leans forward, her forehead now resting against his. "I'm not going to DC." He is shocked at this completely unexpected turn, his entire body tenses with hope and he needs to see her face, needs to be able to read her. The "Really?" is out before he can think properly and his brain is now so jumbled with this emotional roller coaster that the rest of his questions seem to just pour out "Why? I, I don't understand … you're in love with me?" Smooth Patrick, real smooth, but then there is too much riding on this for him to be worried about being smooth. She's smiling gently at him as she answers the questions "Yes, in love with you. I thought you knew, I just realised it was unfair to Marcus, so …" but her features cloud over as she trails off at the end, pain once again pulling at her features. Is she this hurt because she broke up with Pike? He needs her to clarify this so he holds her closer when she tries to pull away needing to keep this conversation going "So you broke up with him?" She is obviously struggling to keep up but seems resigned to having the conversation. Quite possibly she just knows he will not let it go. Good. At her "Yes." The hope is starting to mingle with something distinctly like joy although he is fighting to keep it in check. "Why?" This is crucial for him. She takes a deep breath, apparently aware of how important this answer is. She's struggling to put it together that much is obvious, "I, it is not fair to him, he'll always be my second choice …". The joy unfurls displacing some of the hurt, along with a healthy dose of disbelief that she wants him. It all comes crashing down when she whispers the rest out quietly "it's horrible to always be the second choice."
It is so obvious then why she has been so out of sorts, she has been hiding so much hurt. Hurt he has caused by being stupid. Just because she had wanted to make her own decisions does not mean she wanted his feigned apathy. "I'm a real idiot aren't I?" He also cannot claim that she should know how he feels. He has let her take too much of the responsibility for their relationship, really taking for granted that she may well not know or trust what she believes he feels, he has not given her much to go on. He needs to get this across and frames her face with his hands before starting to explain. "Teresa, I love you, desperately. I've been in love with you for years and I know, I know it seems like I don't put you first, but I have tried. I don't always get it right, but I try. Please don't think you are the second choice. There is no choice for me, and no, not because no one else would put up with me. We both know I could probably persuade some poor woman to stay with me. You however, I didn't want to persuade you, I needed you to want to be with me because you wanted to. You know how damaged I am, you've seen me at my worst, I'd like to show you me being better, but it has to be because you want that, not because I persuaded you too." He can see her finally realising that they want the same thing, that he feels the same way.
She is crying again and he tries to sooth her. Wiping the tears away before taking a chance and carefully kissing her, gradually moving closer to her mouth. She's got her hands in his hair and it is a heady feeling. He pulls back to check that this is still okay, it has been emotionally draining and she was exhausted when he came in. She smiles and even though her voice is a mess the "I want you Jane. Patrick, I choose you." sends him over the emotional edge. The relief is instant and he buries his head in her neck. He has wanted to do this, hold her like this for so long. Her hands running across his back is soothing but also, reminds him that he can now kiss her. He will be taking full advantage of that and finds himself whispering 'I love you' repeatedly just because it seems to make her smile between the kissing.
.END.
AN: A sincere thank you to everyone for the response. It started as something I just could not keep in my head, and with all the will they/won't they for Lisbon/Jane and if we will see another season … well it served its purpose as a bit of stress relief.