"So how are we getting to Metropolis?" asked Two-Face, a few weeks later. "And what are we doing at this bus station?"
"Those two questions have the same answer, Harvey," said Joker, grinning.
Two-Face stared at him. "We're taking a bus to Metropolis?" he demanded. "What kinda cheap bastard is Luthor?! And you were meant to be organizing this with him, J! How could you let him do this to us?!"
"Oh, he slipped the transportation form in with a lotta other boring crap," muttered Joker. "I stopped listening and started playing a game of solitaire, while occasionally saying 'Yep' and 'Sure' as I tuned him out. It's what I usually do with Harley. But he took advantage of my not paying attention to him by sticking us with a bus. But I'll get him back for this at the conference, I promise. I got a lotta big plans for it," he chuckled.
"Well, I sure hope your plans go well," said Harley coldly, standing by his side with her arms folded across her chest. She had been very distant since Luthor had called – she still hadn't forgiven Joker for what he had said, but as she hadn't brought it up again, Joker just assumed she would get over it eventually.
"What the hell is keeping the others?" demanded Two-Face, glancing at his watch.
"I dunno – don't you keep track of the Weed Lady?" asked Joker. "I would have assumed you and she would have been inferngrante delicto."
"She ain't my problem no more," growled Two-Face, lighting a cigar.
"Must be nice not to have a woman problem," sighed Joker, as Harley continued to glare at him.
"Sorry I'm late," said Poison Ivy, rushing over to them. "Had to take care of a few construction workers who wolf-whistled me on the way here. So I covered the whole site in ivy and let Mother Nature reclaim her land and feast on the bodies of her destroyers."
"Nobody can ever accuse you of being subtle, Pammie," said Joker, grinning.
"Said the pot to the kettle," retorted Ivy. "Where's everyone else?"
"Oh, Croc's probably gotten lost, or run into a wall, or dropped a rock on himself," retorted Joker.
"I did bring a rock for the road," said Killer Croc, appearing behind him. "Just in case we run into any Bat-shaped trouble."
"Yeah, that'll really help, Croc old boy," sighed Joker.
"J, how am I supposed to fit in anything like that?" demanded Clayface, who studied the surrounding buses skeptically. "Do you know how difficult it is for me to condense myself into a human form for long periods of time?"
"Well, make yourself useful and shapeshift into a plane," retorted Joker.
"I'm not letting you freaks ride inside me," snapped Clayface. "That's disgusting. And anyway, I can't fly."
"Then what's the point of you?" demanded Joker. "Look, you all have to stop blaming me for this bus fiasco…"
"It's completely your fault!" snapped Two-Face. "You're the one who agreed to it with Luthor!"
"Bus? I'm not riding on a bus!" said Ivy, wrinkling her nose. "If you'd told me we'd be stuck on a bus, J, I just would have driven to the conference by myself."
"You can't – you don't know where it is," snapped Joker. "Only our driver does. So just deal with the bus, Weed Lady, or grow a flying plant!"
"Does the bus have a bathroom? I don't think I can go all the way to Metropolis without a bathroom stop," said Croc, concerned.
"I'm sure it does," said Joker. "But warn everyone else before you go, huh? It'll probably be outta action after that."
"Where is our transportation?" asked Mr. Freeze, arriving and looking around skeptically.
"Victor, 'ice' to see you again!" chuckled Joker. "Now just 'chill' out – 'snow' good getting upset that the bus is late…"
Freeze grabbed him around the throat, putting his ice gun to his face. "One more pun and I will freeze your tongue, and then break it off," he growled.
"Geez, Freeze, cool it!" snapped Joker. "And that wasn't an intentional pun…" he added, quickly.
Freeze dropped him to the ground. "Why is everyone in such a bad mood?" demanded Joker, rubbing his backside as he stood up. "This whole bus trip is gonna be a laugh riot! I'm really looking forward to it! Why can't everyone be as optimistic as I am? You should call yourselves the Pessimists League!"
"How long a drive is it to Metropolis?" asked Ivy of Two-Face.
"A good nine hours," retorted Two-Face.
Ivy choked in horror, and then began coughing violently. "Aw, gee, suddenly I don't feel so good, guys," she said, putting a hand to her forehead. "Got a sudden cough and headache and stomach ache and pins and needles…maybe I better skip the conference this year, just so I don't infect any of you…"
"It's ok, Pammie, we got a doctor in the house!" chuckled Joker, grabbing her arm as she tried to dash off. "Freeze is a doctor, and this nerd here has a doctor degree, doncha, Craney?" he asked, as Jonathan Crane approached them.
"I have…a doctorate in psychology," agreed Crane. "But that's not at all the same thing as being a real doctor. And in medical terms it's essentially useless…"
"Still, we got two doctors," interrupted Joker. "They'll take care of ya, Pammie! And look, here comes the bus!"
They all stared at the vehicle approaching them, which looked like it had been a new, spacious model about twenty years ago. The door opened and the inside was as impressive as the outside, with dirty, moth-eaten seats, and what appeared to be no bathroom. The woman driving the vehicle was a sour faced, bored-looking, large lady, who pressed a button to pop open the side of the bus. "Luggage goes in there," she said, simply, making no move to leave her seat and help them load it up.
"You heard the lady!" chuckled Joker, grabbing his bags and throwing them inside. "Everyone load up!"
As the others reluctantly put in their luggage, with much grumbling, Joker turned to embrace Harley. "Goodbye, my little pumpkin pie! Daddy's gonna miss his Harley girl, yes he is…" he began, leaning forward to kiss her.
She pulled away. "No, you won't," she retorted. "If you were gonna miss me, you'd have spoken to Lex about letting me join. But you didn't, and you ain't gonna, are ya, Mr. J?"
"Pumpkin, you gotta understand…"
"I do understand, Mr. J," she snapped. "But don't lie to me and say you'll miss me when you won't. Enjoy your freedom," she said, turning and storming off without another word.
Joker sighed. "Johnny, did your boyfriend get all annoyed that he wasn't invited?" he asked.
"Jervis and I are not gay!" snapped Crane.
"Yeah, you stay in that closet, Johnny, if it makes you happy," said Joker, nodding. "But did he get annoyed that you were going and he wasn't?"
"Not to my knowledge," retorted Crane. "I'm not entirely sure why anyone would wish to attend the conference in particular – it's deadly dull."
"That's what I tried to tell Harley," said Joker, nodding. "I only go to pull pranks on the other losers who attend. Why do you go?"
Crane sighed. "I just enjoy the feeling of being one of the cool kids, for once," he muttered, climbing onto the bus.
Two-Face made to follow him, but the bus driver pointed to his cigar. "Put it out before you board," she snapped. "No smoking on my bus."
Two-Face gave Joker a murderous glare as he stamped out his cigar and climbed onto the bus. "I bet the other members got private jets," he muttered. "And they can probably smoke all they want."
Joker climbed in after him. "All right – who wants to be my seat buddy?" he asked, grinning at the others already onboard. Everyone stared back at him, completely silent.
"Lame buncha losers," muttered Joker ten minutes later, as he sat alone in the back of the bus, arms folded across his chest, glaring at the others seated together at the front. "Guess I'll just have to entertain myself."
He whistled happily, pulling a pea shooter out of his jacket, and several thin strips of paper, which he chewed up, rolled into tiny balls, and shot at the back of Crane's head.
"Will you kindly stop…" began Crane, but the Joker's next spitball hit Freeze, who was sitting next to Crane. Instantly, Freeze whirled around, shooting a ray of ice at Joker. He ducked just in time – the ice hit the back of his seat, freezing it instantly.
"Geez, lighten up, Victor!" snapped Joker, popping his head back up. "I didn't mean to hit you!"
"Try to find some way to amuse yourself that does not come at the expense of others," growled Freeze, turning away from him.
"That's impossible!" snapped Joker. "The only way to have any fun is to annoy other people! Or hurt people, or kill people, or…"
He brightened suddenly. "Don't mind me, guys, I'm just gonna lie back here and sing to myself," he said, laying down in the back seat. "999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall, 999,999,999 bottles of beer! You take one down, pass it around, 999,999,998 bottles of beer on the wall!"
Freeze turned on the sound muffler in his helmet and shut his eyes. Ivy sighed heavily, curling up against Two-Face and pulling his jacket over her ears. "It's gonna be a long ride," she muttered.