"Well, look who finally decided to turn up," said Lex Luthor, smirking as the door to the foyer opened. "The Gotham freaks have at last deigned to grace us with their presence."
"The bus you sent broke down about twenty miles away from here," growled Two-Face, glaring at him furiously. "So thanks."
"How unfortunate," said Luthor, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "However did you get it working again? There's not a mechanic among you, is there?"
"J tried for a while," retorted Two-Face. "Said he knew something about cars. He didn't. Ended up setting the engine on fire. Freeze put it out before the bus exploded, but we were pretty screwed after that. Croc thought shoving some rocks up the exhaust pipe might help. It didn't. Then Clayface tried to squeeze himself into the carburetor to see if he could see a problem with that. He couldn't. And finally Pammie got fed up and tried seeing if there were any plants around big enough to tow it. There weren't. So we walked. Had to leave most of the luggage. So sorry, Lex, but your World's Best Organizer mug didn't make the cut," he growled, throwing his bag on the ground.
"Where are the others?" asked Luthor, as Two-Face stormed over to the buffet and grabbed a glass of water, draining it in one gulp.
"I'm in the best shape outta all of 'em," he growled. "Lost 'em a few miles back. J was trying to bully Crane into carrying him. Everyone else refused to do it. I was gonna stick around and help them, but I flipped the coin, and it decided I should go on ahead and get settled in my room. And get a shower."
"Mmm, but you look all dirty and rugged and sweaty from your walk, Harvey," purred the Cheetah, licking her lips and flicking her tail from side to side. "You shouldn't just waste it all by washing it off. There's nothing like the animal magnetism of seeing a wild man return to nature."
"Oh…thanks, Cheetah," said Two-Face, surprised. "That wild animal look…uh…suits you too."
"If you like a guy with animal magnetism, Cheetah, I'm your man!" said Killer Croc, beaming as he entered the foyer.
"Uh…yeah…it doesn't work with all animals, Croc," said Cheetah, slowly. "Certainly not crocodiles. Or gorillas."
Gorilla Grodd sniffed in annoyance, returning to the buffet. "Your loss, sweetheart," he muttered.
"Where's the food?" demanded Clayface, storming into the room. "You know how tiring it is to lug a massive body of clay twenty miles?! I'm gonna need to eat most of this buffet!"
"Well, it's meant to be all you can eat, and I'll sue the catering company if it can't provide enough food to meet that challenge," said Luthor, shrugging. "Knock yourself out, Karlo. Victor, I'm so glad you could make it!" he said, striding forward to shake Freeze's hand as he entered. "I had a new idea for some ice-based weapons I want Lexcorp to start developing with your help, of course. I could promise you a ten percent share in…"
"That is very kind of you, Mr. Luthor, but I am otherwise occupied in finding a cure for my wife's illness," interrupted Freeze, coldly. "I am currently equipped with ample funds for my research, and as such have no interest in your project. Excuse me."
Luthor sighed in frustration, but smiled again as Poison Ivy entered the room. "Ivy, it's so good to see you again," he said, hugging her and kissing both her cheeks. "Even a twenty mile walk doesn't seem to make you any less beautiful."
"You're sweet, Lex," she said, grinning. "You're looking well."
"Oh, I just got a new personal trainer," he replied, nodding. "I try to keep fit."
"Yes, I can see that," she murmured, studying him up and down.
"Where's my kiss, Lexy?" giggled a voice. They turned to see the Joker being dragged into the foyer on one of the bus seats, harnessed by its seatbelt to a very weary-looking Jonathan Crane, who collapsed the moment they entered the building.
"No, I said drag me to Lexy, Johnny!" snapped Joker. "Now mush!" he shouted, grabbing another seatbelt and hitting Crane with it like a whip.
"Joker, stop it!" snapped Luthor, racing over to him. "I will not allow you to treat Injustice League members like cattle!"
"I was treating him like a sled dog, dummy," retorted Joker, sticking his tongue out as he stood up. "That's why I said 'mush.' That's what polar explorers used to call their dogs, 'cause they'd turn 'em into mush and eat 'em after they were done with 'em. Doncha know anything?"
"That's…completely inaccurate," gasped Crane.
"Yes, the actual origin is from the French," snapped the Ultra-Humanite. "France was the first European power established in the Canadian Shield, and accordingly, the coureurs des bois and the voyageurs of New France used the French word 'Marche!' meaning to 'go' or 'run' to command their dogs…"
"Oh, shut up, nerd, before I make you drag me around too," retorted Joker, heading over to the buffet.
"Professor Crane, I'm so sorry about him," said Luthor, helping to untie him. "We're not going to start the conference until after lunch – why don't you take advantage of my corporate spa…"
"Yeah, sounds like fun, Lexy," interrupted Joker, nodding. "Which way is that?"
"You're not invited, Joker," growled Luthor. "Grundy, look after Joker while I show Professor Crane to the spa."
Solomon Grundy grunted, grabbing ahold of both of Joker's arms. "Hey, I can't reach the cake!" exclaimed Joker, struggling to get free. "C'mon, Grundy, if you're gonna restrain me, the least you can do is feed me!"
"Grundy, do what he says," said Lex, nodding.
Grundy grunted again, picking up a giant piece of cake and shoving it into Joker's mouth, so that he couldn't speak. Everyone chuckled as Joker struggled futilely to talk, eventually spitting the cake out. "Joke's on you, since I swallowed most of it," he retorted. Then he made a face. "Ugh, carrot cake! Kinda wish I hadn't!"
"Oh Lex, I do love a guy who can put the clown in his place," murmured Ivy, cuddling up next to him. "You're such a forceful, powerful man."
"And is that your type, Ivy?" he asked, smiling at her.
"I'll say it is," she replied, grinning. "Mind if I join you in the spa?"
"I was hoping you would," he replied, grinning back. "Let's make like a tree, and leave."
Ivy giggled, and Two-Face glared at them from across the buffet table. He flipped his coin, and then headed over to go talk to the Cheetah.
"Grundy, keep an eye on Joker until the conference starts, will you?" asked Luthor, heading off with Ivy and Crane.
"The man said an eye, not an arm, you big gorilla!" snapped Joker. "Oh…no offense, Grodd!" he shouted across the room.
"Grundy watch you," muttered Grundy, releasing him.
"Yeah, congrats on figuring out what Lexy meant, brainiac," retorted Joker, sarcastically. "Oh…not you, Brainiac," he said, as the villain turned to look at him. "How's the family?"
"Hi Joker, how's tricks?" asked an attractive yet unfamiliar young woman, approaching him.
"Uh…good," said Joker, slowly. "Sorry, you're…?"
"It's me, Copperhead," said the woman.
"Copperhead?" repeated Joker. "Didn't you…used to be a guy?"
"Yeah," said the woman, nodding. "But I'm a lot happier now."
"Well, that's…good," stammered Joker, slowly. "Gee, that must've…hurt, though, huh?"
"Actually, it was a pretty painless process," she replied. "I can get you in touch with my doctor if you're interested."
Joker laughed, and then stopped when he saw that she wasn't. "Aw, gee, that's…thanks for the offer and everything, Copperhead, but…I'm happy as a guy."
"Are you really, though?" she asked. "If you were a woman, you might have a shot with Batman. Just think about it."
"I…sure will," said Joker, slowly. "Well, nice seeing you again, and good luck with that whole…woman thing."
He hurried away. "Surrounded by a buncha freaks and weirdos, I tell ya," he muttered, reaching for a drink. "Harley would have fit right in."