"Oh, Lex, you're incredible," murmured Poison Ivy, lying naked in his arms in her hotel room. They had excused themselves right after everyone had laughed at the Joker – nothing put Ivy in the mood faster than seeing the clown humiliated. "I thought I'd miss the hair, but bald is a whole new type of sexy," she murmured, grinning as she stroked his head.
"I aim to please, Ivy," he murmured, smiling back.
"Mmm, you do," she growled. "You've got the looks, and the size, and the skill," she said, smiling. "But do you have the stamina?"
"Try me," he murmured, smiling as he climbed on top of her again.
And then they were interrupted by a terrible, incredible, indescribable noise. "What the hell is that?!" cried Luthor, sitting up suddenly.
"It sounds like somebody's torturing a seal!" cried Ivy, as Luthor stood up, throwing on a robe and throwing open the door.
"Mercy! What in God's name is making that noise?!"
"I dunno, Lex!" she cried, her hands clapped over her ears.
"Well, find out, dammit!" he roared. Ivy threw on her robe and joined Luthor in the hallway, where Mercy shot her a look of loathing and then hurried off. Luthor stormed down the hall in the direction of the noise with Ivy following, and arrived at last outside the Joker's room on the landing, where a large speaker had been set up, the wire trailing under the door. Mercy was already there, her gun cocked, and at a signal from Luthor, she kicked open the door.
"Oh, look, pooh, we've got company!" cried Joker, rolling off Harley and waving at the visitors. The noise stopped instantly, and they could see that the wire from the speaker was attached to a microphone by the bed…right by Harley's head. She was panting and beaming, clutching the blankets to her chest.
"You sick freak!" hissed Luthor at Joker. "Get dressed and come into the hall, now!"
"Aw, but Lexy, you know what it's like when you're right in the middle of things…" began Joker.
"Now!" roared Luthor.
Joker chuckled, reaching for his robe. "Luthor, what the hell is going on?!" roared Two-Face, storming down the hall toward them, also dressed in his robe, and with Cheetah following him. "Who's strangling a cat and why?!"
"My noises do not sound like a strangled cat!" snapped Harley, reaching for her own robe.
Ivy was staring from Two-Face to Cheetah with an open mouth. "Harvey!" she gasped.
"What?" he demanded. "You were busy with Lex!"
"That doesn't give you the right to go pick up other floozies!" she snapped.
"Excuse me?" demanded Cheetah.
"If anyone's a floozy here, it's you," growled Mercy.
Ivy rolled her eyes. "Lex, tell your hired help to keep her mouth shut," she retorted. "It's kinda pathetic that she gets jealous of other women. Get it through your thick skull, sweetheart – he doesn't keep you around because he loves you. He keeps you around because you're pathetic enough to stay without any kinda commitment from him!"
"Hey, don't give her the same spiel you give me!" snapped Harley. "We're nothing alike! Mr. J don't cheat on me with other women!"
"I'm not cheating on anyone!" retorted Luthor. "I'm a single man!"
"Yeah, and that's a real shame when you clearly got a devoted, semi-attractive broad willing to do anything for ya," said Joker, sighing and shaking his head. "It's a crime you don't treat her right, Lex. What kinda selfish bastard plays with a woman's feelings like that?"
"Don't you dare criticize Lex!" snapped Ivy. "You're no better!"
"Mr. J wouldn't sleep with you!" shrieked Harley.
"I don't know why Harvey would sleep with you," retorted Cheetah, glaring at Ivy. "He can clearly do better."
"Yes, a man with half a face is obviously quite a catch," snorted Luthor.
"Watch your mouth, baldy!" growled Two-Face.
Luthor stared at him. "What did you call me?" he demanded, softly.
"I think you heard me, baldy," repeated Two-Face. "I may have half a face, but I got a full head of hair…"
Luthor roared, launching himself at Two-Face and knocking him to the ground. The two began pummeling each other as Mercy, Ivy, and Cheetah rushed to separate them, screaming at them to stop. This quickly escalated into a fight between the three of them. Joker watched, chuckling madly to himself as Harley cooed over him, ruffling his hair.
And then the window by the landing crashed open, shattering glass everywhere. Everyone stopped fighting and looked to see a figure floating there, arms folded across his chest and eyes narrowed at them.
"Not you!" gasped Luthor, gazing at Superman in horror. "How did you…"
"Find out about this place? Easy," retorted Superman. "One of your employees reported the theft of an address book to me by a girl claiming to be Harley Quinn saying she wanted to find the Joker. Once I knew both of them were in town, I had a feeling they'd be working with you. But I had no idea all of the Injustice League would be here as well. Glad I brought my whole team," he said, nodding as shouts and noises could be heard along the halls. "We're rounding up as many of you as possible."
"Well, you're not taking me without a fight," growled Luthor, reaching for his gun. And then he realized he was wearing a bathrobe. The other villains were in similar circumstances, feeling around uselessly for their weapons in the semi-nude.
"Am I the only one who uses a gun during sex?" chuckled Joker, withdrawing his from the pocket of his bathrobe. "Eat lead, superfreak!"
He shot at Superman, who stood calmly in front of him, letting the bullets bounce off him. "Oh right, the whole can't be harmed by bullets thing…" said Joker, trailing off. "Well, where's Batsy? Can he be the one to arrest me?"
"Yes," growled a voice from behind him. Joker turned to see Batman standing there, locking his arms in a pair of handcuffs. Batman looked from Joker to Harley, and then at the pictures of himself on the wall of the bedroom, scowling.
"Hey, I didn't put those there!" said Joker, as Superman began arresting the others. "Don't flatter yourself!"
"I'm never inviting you to another conference again," growled Luthor. "In fact, I'm making a rule not to invite any Gotham freaks to my conferences ever again."
"We may be Gotham freaks, Lex, but I bet anyone from my party can take anyone from the rest of the Injustice League," retorted Joker. "Including Harley."
Harley squeaked happily, cuddling against him. "And…maybe not Johnny Crane," continued Joker. "But other than that, anyone."
"I'll hold you to that, when my lawyers get me outta this," retorted Luthor, as Superman dragged him off.
"Call me!" called Ivy after him, as she, Two-Face, Harley, and Joker were all dragged in the opposite direction by Batman.
"Y'know, Mr. J, I don't even mind that we're going back to Arkham," sighed Harley, wrapping her handcuffed arms around his neck. "You've just said I'm equal to anyone in the Injustice League. Which means I'm equal to you too, huh, puddin'?"
He laughed. "I didn't say that, my little cupcake," he replied. "I said you could take any of the other freaks in the Injustice League. I didn't say you could take me."
"But I beat you in that fight a couple weeks ago," said Harley. "Which means I'm as good as you, huh, puddin'?"
"No, Harley, it doesn't mean that," growled Joker. "Now drop it before Daddy beats you."
Harley shrugged. "Whatever you say, puddin'," she purred, kissing his cheek. But she knew the truth, and she didn't stop smiling all the way back to Gotham.
The End