A/N: I feel like this story will jump around a lot. Bare with me.

ONE YEAR LATER…

They stumbled through the door, a little too drunk on what they had at the bar and what they needed now. Clothes were being strewn around the room one by one as she led him to bed. She was the aggressor pushing him backwards on the bed and climbing on top. The kisses were now sloppy and showed more lust than passion or love. When their clothing was finally off, she was on bottom and wishing she'd taken a few more shots to allow her to forget what was about to happen.

It didn't matter how hard she tried to hold it back, his name still fell off her lips in a quiet gasp. As soon as it was uttered, she knew he had heard. Kate couldn't bring herself to care though. She was in a downward spiral ever since his shooting and the man she picked up at the bar seemed to take it more to heart than he really should have. Once the name Castle was breathed from her, he was off her and pulling on clothes to the door.

She felt stupid for asking but she did it anyways, "Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving, obviously."

"What's wrong? I thought we were having fun?" 'If fun was using a stranger to try and forget him.'

"I was having fun but give a guy some credit. I'd like to at least be with a girl who can remember my name. You do remember my name don't you?"

"Yeah sure." Little too long of a pause and a gulp. "Darrell."

"Derrick! It's Derrick! You said you liked that name because it reminded you of a spy or something like that!" 'Oh yeah. Derrick. Like Derrick Storm. Like the character I fell in love with before I fell in love with the creator.' "Man, I always felt like girls were being over sensitive when guys used them for sex but now I understand."

He was standing at the door now, dressed, though he still looked disheveled. Kate could see why she'd given him a chance before any other guy. He was almost the same height as her, well defined muscles that could be seen by his form fitting shirt. His skin was a dark exotic color and his eyes were a brown to match it. His lips were fairly thick and pouty, hands rough and callused . In other words, he was nothing like Castle. And now those dark brown eyes stared at her with anger. Kate stares back with no emotion. "I'd go back to him if I were you. You'll never find someone else if his is the only name you remember. You're way to damaged."

And with that he left. 'If only it were that simple.'

She fell back onto her bed thinking for once about the guy that had just left. They'd met at the bar down the street from her apartment. They'd talked a few times before tonight but today was the day she took him home because it was a year later and still nothing about how she felt had changed. She reached onto the nightstand where his book was and threw it and the now closed door. When she saw and heard the book thud against the door and then the floor she looked back to the stand and picked up the glass she usually filled with water to cure her hangovers and threw it in the exact same place the book had hit seconds before. She grabbed her three pillows that she slept with and threw them as well. The next thing she knew she was destroying her tiny apartment in a fit of pent up anger that, up until now, had been taken out in a gym.

'He's not even here and he's annoying and pissing me off.'

When she looked around her destroyed room, she collapsed to a heap on the floor and sobbed. Her chest felt tight and she couldn't get enough air to her lungs. Her sobs were broken as was her heart.

Castle was still a part of her everyday life. Coffee, burgers, shakes, Ferraris, bullet proof vests, books, baths, parks, music, movies, and in today's case: newspapers. She was struggling and it had been a year.

A year.

That first month she would drag herself early to work, get kicked out by the captain late at night and drink so that she would forget what she lost, pass out, and repeat this over the next day with a slight hangover that killed her head and a numbness that was felt everywhere else. The boys didn't understand. They tried talking to her and guilt her into stopping her drinking but after a while, they realized it was most likely just a phase because after that first month she quit going home all together and just stayed on the break room couch. The third month she had a new apartment that she claimed was closer to the precinct but they guys knew it was because it wouldn't remind her of him. They'd taken his chair away this third month too.

The fourth month, Lanie tried to set her up with a guy she knew through her med school friend. Kate went but said less than nothing and ended up leaving after an hour because there was a pain in her chest and she felt like she was cheating on him even though she knew she wasn't. Her date kept asking if she was expecting to see someone when she constantly looked over her shoulder, towards the door, and at every burst of laugh from another table; but she said no. 'There was no one to see anyways, right? Why would he be here?'

The fifth month, Captain Gates tried to institute a new policy and get her a partner. "Beckett you know good and well you can't be interviewing witnesses and knocking down doors without back up. You need a partner. That's that."

"Sir before you came here I had no partner and I survived just fine."

"Did you hear what you said? Before me. This is during me and during me you will have a partner."

"Esposito and Ryan are my partners. Why can't I take one of them every time I follow a lead?"

"You and I both know they rarely ever separate and you always send them to do other things while you chase down your own path. No, I will get you a partner and you will work with him. Now either take the day off to process that or I'd suggest getting back to work before I make you take the day off."

Kate left with a slam of the door. She got her partner Detective Emmitt before the end of the month. He was taller than her, cropped dirty blonde hair and a broad chest, overall a good-looking guy. He was young, intelligent and by the book. No CIA theories or claiming the butler did it, which was fine, they still got the right guy more often than not. She had to make it clear early that she was not interested in him in any way other than partners.

She found that she and Emmitt worked well together. Esposito and Ryan took a little while to warm up to him, but eventually it was like he had been there for longer than he really had been. He made her laugh occasionally when he had a few good zingers at the boys. He had her back and she appreciated that. 'Another brother to add to the family.'

After that month that it took to adjust to Emmitt, life seemed to go easier for Beckett. She still felt empty and those next five months she came to the realization that she would probably never move on as quickly as she'd like until today when she saw that newspaper article that led her to the bar and to Devin or Derrick or whatever his name was.

Page six was back at it again and it came with a vengeance. The headline read 'Castle finds a new Queen'. There he was kissing a bimbo. Healthy and breathing and still handsome as ever… And it destroyed her.

i hope i fooled at least one person...