A/N: this story changes more than i know what to do with it.

Disclaimer: the only thing i own is the computer im writing from not the character.

"You know I know and you can't ignore it forever. You look just as bad as you did the first month."

"Gee thanks. You really know how to pick a girl up." Kate fell back against the morgue table behind her more emotionally exhausted than anything. "When do you think he got back? Why did he come back?"

Lanie sighed as her eyes softened. "Honey, he's been back for a while. I told you that looking at page six was just going to land you back to square one."

"I know, but I couldn't help it. I hadn't looked at it for a month but I never thought I'd see something like that. It shouldn't kill me but it does." Kate swallowed and closed her eyes. "I brought a guy home last night because of it."

"Oh, Kate-" Lanie started and Beckett could tell it was going to be to give her a lecture. One she wasn't up for.

"Nothing happened because I screwed it up before it even started. I thought I caught myself from the downward spiral but that photo just sent me right back into motion. He should've stayed in Europe."

"His life isn't there. It's here with his daughter and mother and it could have been with you. You walked away Kate, he had to too."

Kate sat back staring at the floor, thinking about the past year and how it all ended.

'I can't go on knowing I'll just get you hurt in the end.'

'You're a coward.'

'You don't have to care about me anymore.'

'That's all this is: You being scared your life might actually be better than your expectations.'

"I made my decisions, now I just have to live with them. I'll call you later for a drink. Thanks Lanie." Kate gave a weak smile and turned to leave.

"Keep away from the newspaper, Kate. Make that call sometime soon." Lanie smiled goodbye and with that Kate left.

She was back at her desk before she realized she'd been on autopilot the whole time.

"I don't know what else to tell you. She'd kill me if she even knew I was talking to you… Yeah, we miss you to… We're doing just fine thank you very much. Not everything revolved around you, ya know…" Ryan laughed into the phone and turned to see Beckett standing there with a questioning look. "Umm… my boss is back Grandma, love you 'bye." The detective hung up quickly and gave Kate a wave. "Good morning, that was my Grandma." He chuckled nervously.

"It's two o'clock in the afternoon. I don't think you're allowed to say 'Good Morning.' Was that really your grandma? You seem nervous."

"Oh is it that time already? I need a break!" and with that Ryan practically sprinted to the break room.

Esposito showed up at that time.

"What's up with Ryan?" Kate asked.

"How should I know?"

"Never mind. Body drop yet?"

"Would we be here if it had?"

"Guess not." Kate slumped down into her desk. With all the time that Beckett had put in, the paper work had taken care of itself, now all she could do is wait for someone to need her. "Emmitt is where exactly?"

"Boss put him on special assignment. So beats me." Esposito studied her for a second. "You okay?"

"Yeah why wouldn't I be?" Kate once again didn't try to hide her exhaustion.

"I saw the picture. I'd take it hard too." Esposito's eyes softened as she saw his effort to be the true brother that he was.

Kate's eyes dropped. "We've moved on. It's no big deal."

"Right." Esposito turned around ending the conversation. He didn't believe her but they have already had those talks that turned into not speaking for a day or so. If she was going to be stubborn, who was he to tell her she was wrong?

"I'm going for a work out. I'll keep my phone on me for any calls." Kate leaves to head to the gym. Ryan, seeing that she's leaving, heads back to his partner at their desks.

"He called again. I think she overheard too." Ryan tells his partner. "I told him to stop by."

"He shouldn't be calling and he shouldn't be stopping by. That will only cause a big mess that will take even longer to clean up. Why are you even talking to him?" Esposito tried to sound like he was hurt by him calling but it was more the fact that Castle didn't call him.

"Because even though things didn't work out, he was still our friend. And all he wants to know is how we're all doing. It's not too much to tell him, he was hurt too in the process."

"How we're doing? Or how she is doing?" Esposito said motioning to the desk.

Ryan felt dejected. "I'd like to meet up for beers sometime but Beckett would think we were choosing his side over hers."

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?" Esposito says with a smile picking up the phone. "Same number?"

Ryan nods and smiles. They were getting the old crew back together, even if it was just a portion of them.

Castle made his way into his loft after a long meeting with his publishers. He hadn't written in over two months and they weren't happy with the stuff he'd been writing in the past year. Something about being too dark. He walked over to his desk and poured himself a shot of something he knew would relieve his stress. The paper on top of his desk catches his eye. Page six. Mother must have put it there. She told him to keep hidden from the press, it was "best for everyone" if he did.

As he picked up the paper a voice startled him from behind. "You know she saw it."

"You don't know that."

"How could she not? It's the first time you've been in the paper for a year, someone would have made a big deal about it." Martha walked over to where he was still standing holding the paper of him with… Lisa? No, no, Laura.

"It's a little tasteless if you ask me. She wasn't even that good of a kisser." Whoa, this is affecting him a little sooner than it should be. He's probably just picking up where he left off last night.

"As compared to what? That blonde you dated last month? Or was it those twins that you gallivanted around with the month before that?" Martha's tone was more one of disapproving. "This isn't moving on, Richard. This is destroying you little by little."

"I'm fine that." Now he sees what the company means by dark. He's been morbid but the blame shouldn't be on him. "She told me to leave. She told me she was done. If destroying myself means I don't have to think about her anymore, it's the best way."

He drops the paper finally, sits in his chair and stares at his mother. The woman had been there to comfort him and he was grateful but she was right. He has to move on. "I talked to Ryan today. He said she's doing better. Maybe she moved on too." Castle pauses realizing the inevitability of his own situation. "I'll call Lauren again. At least she was nice to talk to."

"I think that'd be for the best." Martha gave her son a sad smile and left his office.

'One of us is going to get hurt. Who would I be if I let that be you?'

'Do you understand just by leaving you're hurting me now?'

'Take care of yourself'

'Eventually you'll forget me. Maybe not now but you will and it'll be for the best.'

Castle picks up his phone and finds her name in his contact. 'Time to forget.'

Before he could hit send, his caller id popped up with the precinct's name on it. His stomach dropped and a sense of hope filled his body. "Castle." He hadn't answered the phone like that in months.

"Yo, Old Haunt at 9. Just us. You up for it?" he knew what he meant by just us. Not her.

"Yeah! Yeah, sure. I'll be there! Man, I really misse—"

"Save it for later bro, I gotta go! Don't be late." And then he hung up.

At least he won't have to drink alone tonight.

im not sure how the story ended up here but i hope it will hold you off until i figure out where it goes next...