A/N: this was so hard to write. i'm kinda happy with it though. we'll see.

The knock on his door woke him from the daydream he had fell into watching TV. His doctor told him to stay home and rest for as long as possible since the meds and the trauma would take a toll on his emotional state. Castle wasn't supposed to make many movements as they were worried that he would pull the stitches but he was basically all alone in his loft while his mother and daughter flittered in and out going about their daily lives. Not moving was not an option. It'd been a week since the accident, 'his shooting' as he was now labeling it, and his muse was nowhere to be found.

She hadn't answered his ten phone calls the first day or his seven text messages the second day and by the third day he was almost so desperate that he was about to call Esposito or Ryan but by the fourth day he had realized this is what she did. She got hurt so she went away. If he could pour himself a drink or two he'd be more than happy to wait if that is what she needed, a little alcohol would help pass the time, ease the emotional pain, but that isn't medically advised apparently.

'No, stop being happy to wait. You need to be pissed, she didn't show, she hasn't shown in a week. You can't just forgive her every time she does this. You're hurt. So where is she?'

Every time he thought about the events right after his shooting anger flared in his chest. 'She said she'd be there. She wasn't there.' He couldn't see why she would ever say that if she wasn't going to follow through.

So as he trudged his way to the door he didn't want to get his hopes up but who was he kidding? He always had and always will wish it were the infamous detective behind the door. And for once he was right.

Kate Beckett stood on the other side of the threshold holding her breath as she saw him for the first time standing upright. She tried to keep her once over subtle as she glanced to where the bullet hit him. But telling by the uneasy shift he knew what she was thinking. "Hey." She breathed out and tried to smile. He smiled back acknowledging the effort and stepped into her wrapping his arms around her waist and squeezing. The second he saw her he melted completely and that anger was set aside for some other time. He was just happy to see that she finally came and didn't wait three months. It took her a while to return the hug and he noticed her hesitation. He stepped back to let her in and closed the door behind her.

Before he could question why she hadn't shown up, why she hadn't returned any of his texts or phone calls, why she was just now coming to his door she spoke up and tried to just jump straight into the reason she was there.

"You can't follow me anymore."

His face dropped in shock not at the statement more at the fact that she just said it straight out.

"I haven't seen you in a week and that's all you have to say?"

"Listen, Cast-"

"No, listen to me! You told me you'd be there, you told me you'd come and you weren't there. You weren't anywhere. I've been here for a week! A whole week and when you finally show up it's because you're telling me not to follow you anymore. You ran, Kate. Again! You ran again and you can't barely get in the door before you tell me that you're not done running." His voice was cracking and the desperation almost told her to stop. He was fine. He was breathing and alive. It was much more than she could say.

"I didn't run. I needed perspective. You got shot right in front of me. We were lucky that you got hit where you did. A few inches over and I'd have to be consoling Alexis and Martha right now. I'd have to be writing up reports and answering the press as to how my partner got killed on the job."

"Seriously? Reports and press is a bigger deal to you right now? God, unbelievable." He walked towards the couch putting more space in between them. When he spoke again his voice was a whisper. "I held on to that. That's all I thought about."

"I know what I said to you. I meant it."

"Then why weren't you there? If you really meant it you would have been there. Why did you even say it?" Castle's eyes just tore through her. She saw the hurt and it hurt her to know it was only going to get worse.

"We can't do this anymore. I can't watch you get hurt." Kate couldn't meet his eyes at this point.

"What does that even mean?" She heard the fear in his voice and she decided she needed to look him straight in the eye for this part.

"I can't go on knowing I'll just get you hurt in the end."

He nodded his head in realization. "So when you say that you're not letting me follow you around you're also breaking up with me." It was a statement. She answered with a nod. "This makes no sense. I was shot. How does that affect us being together?"

"One of us is going to get hurt. Who would I be if I let that be you?"

"Do you understand just by leaving you're hurting me now?'"

"That's something I'll have to deal with. Seeing you get shot is not something I want to witness again and if something were to happen I couldn't come home every night knowing I'm the one to blame. That I couldn't protect you. I can't protect you from getting hurt." Kate's voice wasn't defensive. To Castle, she seemed set in her ways.

"You can't protect me! Things like this happen." He moved across the room now to her. An arm's length away now and he felt the ache to touch her.

"They happen to cops. Not writers." She wasn't going to allow him back, he could see that. "Please Castle. Just stay away."

He realized it now. Maybe it was a choice. Either it was the job or her. Follow her or come home to her. "Fine. I won't follow you anymore. Just stay here. Don't leave again." He grabbed her hand as she tried to pull away.

"No Castle you don't get it. I won't let you get hurt, physically or…" She was pausing and fear crept into his chest. "Or emotionally." He dropped her hand.

"What does that even mean? You're counting us out again? How can you chalk us up to a failure already when everything has been perfect!?" He was starting to grasp at straws again. He seemed desperate and he didn't care. "Kate, what is this really about?"

She looked at him with soft eyes while biting the inside of her bottom lip before answering. "You know how much my mother's death affected me. It changed my whole life. It nearly ruined my father. I would never wish that pain on my worst enemy. If something were to happen to me or worse, you, the destruction it would cause…" she let her sentence hang as she considered the possibility. "I couldn't live knowing you were killed because of me just like I can't live knowing that reality almost happened last week."

"Kate, it was a flesh wound. I'm fine! I'm walking around for Pete's sake."

"Castle, the what if is too much for me to continue this on. I can't put your family through what happened to me. It's not right, and if I can prevent it I will. So this is it." Kate turns to get out of the loft before the break in her emotions causes her to fall apart in front of him.

He realizes then he can't let her go like this. He grabs her around the waist and pulls her to him, lips crushing her for a kiss. He can feel her sob against him as she returns the kiss, and he eventually tastes her tears as he threads his hand into her hair to keep her against him. Her tongue is the first to dart towards his as he willingly opens his mouth to accept it. The kiss is angry and desperate and passionate at the same time, lips and tongues meshing and making the other groan. Her hands come up to his face to keep him there for a little while longer. As soon as Castle thinks she changes her mind she pulls away, eyes still closed, tears streaming down her face, and breath ragged.

"I'm sorry Castle. We're over." She turns and strides to the door, hands angrily swiping at her eyes to wipe away the tears.

"You're a coward." She stops. Her eyes close as her sadness now turns to anger. "That's all this is: You being scared your life might actually be better than your expectations. This isn't about me getting hurt and this isn't about how it will affect my family. It's you needing to run from something that has been better than what you thought it'd be. So just stay. This feeling will go away when you realize I won't be leaving."

"Castle, that's not what this is about. Not everything has subtext, you know?" The anger starts to seep into her voice. "I am not doing this because I'm running. I'm doing this because it's what is right."

His laugh is curt and it shoots straight through her chest. "What's right was never beginning this in the first place. You should have never come back." He flops onto the couch not looking at her.

Now that hurt. Kate breathed in about to react, the anger and hurt in her chest was rising when she realized this was the out she needed. If she was really going to protect him he needed a reason to never come back.

"Eventually you'll forget me. Maybe not now, but you will and it'll be for the best." Her voice was far too calm for his liking. This was it and he was going to watch her walk out. "Take care of yourself."

She opened the door and left. In the ten minutes that she had been here, she had destroyed his world.

on the stories that get tons of reviews i always see this at the bottom so i'll be stealing it...

thoughts?