A/N: i didnt know life could get in the way but it does.

He strolled into the bar he hadn't occupied in over a year. He sees the boys sitting at a booth over in the corner and he suddenly felt nervous. He looked around the room as he got closer to the table. Castle could never give an honest answer whenever he scanned the room for her. Was he hoping to see her or not?

"I told you it's just us," Esposito stood as he stuck out his arm for a hand shake. Castle grabbed it firmly as he pulled the detective into a strong hug.

"I know, it's just a habit," Castle replied as he let Esposito go and moved for Ryan who was moving eagerly to greet his old friend.

"You enjoy your time away?" Ryan greeted as the three sat and ordered drinks.

"Oh yeah, despite having to work some of the time, I think it is just what I needed." Castle looked down into his drink while thinking over his trip. He hadn't seen the boys in eight months. The first four months after… his shooting, 'that's what it was' he reminds himself, he stayed in his loft recovering from both getting shot by a gun and getting hurt by Beckett. He struggled through finishing the chapters required of him. If it wasn't the pain medication that clouted his mind the first month and a half, the next months were alcohol fueled and a blur for the most part. When he decided he was going to get out of New York for a while he really just wanted to put an ocean between him and his broken heart, which he figured, was his best option. He had friends who were always trying to get him to come and visit them so he decided now was as good of a chance as ever. Paula and Gina didn't mind throwing in a few book signings and endorsement deals into the mix.

He sat with the boys telling them all about how he had gone to parties in England running into what he claimed was royalty that the detectives didn't believe. "Let me tell you it was one wild blur of alcohol and lots of fun." He chuckled as he picked up his drink and took a couple gulps.

"I see you found a new squeeze, Casanova. Brunettes still your thing?" Esposito picked up the paper that had been left by a previous inhabitant. Castle felt himself freeze at the thought of other brunettes he has dated – loved would seem more like it- and felt the familiar pang in his chest. Esposito looked like he had just tried to shove his foot in his mouth and Castle could see the regret in his eyes immediately. The uneasy laugh that came next surprised him but he decided to go with it.

"They come to me. I don't come to them," he shrugged with another laugh, one that Ryan joined. He took a breath and found his old partners eyes with a more serious look. "She's all right, right? I mean she's taking care of herself and isn't doing anything stupid?" The boys looked at each other with a slight sadness before Ryan decided to answer.

"She'd kill us if we said anything but the first couple of months were rough. She's come around and is more focused than I've ever seen her," Ryan looked away from Castle than made eye contact once again with the writer. "We never wanted to ask but what did happen?"

Castle took a deep breath. He knew this would come up. Before it was still too fresh for them to talk and the boys used their good judgment to talk about anything but the heartbreak they witnessed from both sides.

"I'll be honest. I don't know why she did it. Her reasons were selfish and so unlike how I thought it would happen. She came over and said we were done and left. Something about how she couldn't protect me. That she'll just hurt me," his eyes roamed the room unable to find an anchor that he could shove his emotions on. Even being on a verge of a break down in front of the guys was unnerving. Thinking about that night didn't make his confusion any better. Castle's better judgment said faking it till he believed it himself was the best way to go. "What can you do though? If it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be. Things like this happen. We'll just move on and it'll be a thing of the past." He flashed his smile and forced his eyes to light up as if he had moved on. As if he could move on as easy as he was trying to make it sound.

The boys changed the subject again and they were on to other lighter things.

"So when's that next book out? You said you were putting one more out." Ryan, the overeager fan, asked.

"Actually that is another reason I came back. Finally got it into print and I'll be having a release party in a couple weeks. You guys are welcome of course." Castle looked at them both hoping they'd reply with an affirmative.

"We'll definitely try, bro. You know we love those little cream cheese appetizer things you had last time." Esposito's response was as good as Castle was going to get he realized.

Castle gulped down the rest of his drink. He looked around the moderately filled bar. The buzz in his head felt good. It was at that perfect spot where he could detach himself from his thoughts and just relax. He looked at his two old friends realizing if it weren't for her, they might have probably never met. He smiled at the two and made a decision to make this a regular thing. He could still keep track of her right? He did it for over five years before, it's more a habit to him anyways.

While his mind was still buzzing he thought about the night he always tries to avoid when he's drunk; it always made him the depressing angry drunk. She left without a good excuse. That's what killed him. She'd had doubts at first about how they really are together but she got over that. At least that's what it seemed like.

"Well boys, I ought to hit the road." When the boys started to complain Castle just responded with a "Late nights are a thing of the past for me." They nodded in agreement to that.

"We might as well call it a night too. Work is harder when you have a wild night." Esposito got to his feet and pulled on his jacket and turned to the writer with his hand extended for a shake. "Don't be afraid to call us. It was a long year without you."

Castle took his hand and shook it. "It won't be that long again. I promise. I'll call soon. And you guys make some time and come to that party. I'll order those appetizers by the thousands as long as you make it."

His bribe was well received and the three strolled out of the bar to find their rides home. When they said their farewells, Castle jumped into a taxi and gave his address. His mind drifted as it always did and he remembered how he used to take her home in a cab after a few drinks.

'She always took pride in how well she held her liquor. But when it came to him, she seemed to always let it slip. It seemed to be only when it was just the two of them that she would relax in public after a few drinks. The kind of relaxed he only saw within the four walls of their private homes. This one night though, they were happy because a tough case came to as happy of a conclusion as one could find when two people were murdered by a jealous lover. It was a simple ending to a more complex case than they'd like to have. They sat on the same side of the booth and when she would laugh at one of his insanely cheesy jokes her head would touch his shoulder sometimes or her hands would land on his arm or his leg. It made the jokes come more often and after a while the contact was constant and that's when he decided taking her home was his best option. Sitting in the back of that cab, she giggled and teased him over nonsense things that didn't make sense but it kept the fit of laughter coming. He would put his arm around her and kiss her forehead as she tried to explain her drunk train of thought. When they arrived at her apartment, he wouldn't let her stand on her own the whole way up, just reveling in the contact that a year ago seemed to be just a distance want. When she told him she could walk on her own, he would shake his head and say that she was too drunk to know what she was talking about. He led her right to her door, unlocked it and took off their jackets. Before she could pull him into her bedroom, he stopped her. In her dark living room he framed her face with his hands and kissed her gently. The hum that he got from her was more than enough to give her permission to precede. "I love you" was breathed from him and she seemed to sober up at his words. Every time he said those words he was scared she'd respond with a semi-permanent wall that went up, but this time she responded with a kiss that said it all. He realized that he never needed to hear her response if that was what he got in return. She pulled back with a brilliant smile on her face and pulled him backwards towards her room."

"Here ya go buddy." The cabby interrupted his thought process.

Castle wordlessly handed him the bills and lurched out of the car. 'Move on. You're moving on. You had time to grieve, now move on.' Thoughts like those shouldn't happen as often as they did after a year. When he made it to his front door, he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against it. As soon as he stepped across the threshold he would be alone in an empty bed once again.

He looked at the door that in one moment in his life had opened to her, drenched from the rain and asking for a chance. He needed to get a new door.

One year ago…

Her car door slams shut as she sits outside his apartment. The tears had stopped momentarily as she walked away from him but now as Kate sat in the security of her car she let out a single sob and felt her body shake as she broke down. Her head fell against the steering wheel as she let herself become overwhelmed with a sense of loss.

'This wasn't supposed to happen,'

'I should go back up and fix this. We could protect each other.'

But instead her phone rings. She looks down at it and sees the private number come up. For the second she sees it, fury replaces her grief and she wipes her face of the tears before picking up the phone.

"What." She says it with ferocity.

"I take it it's done."

"Yeah. Anything else I can help you with while we're negotiating?"

The deep chuckle on the other end made the anger she felt increase by tenfold. "No Detective. That will be all. Remember, any more contact with him and we will follow through on our promise."

And with that he hung up. She looked down at her phone and back at the apartment she's spent happy times in. 'It's for the best.'

a/n: i wanted to throw a twist in there because their break up hopefully will make more sense now. idk. i'm trying it out.

thoughts?