A/N- I know I've gone forever without posting- my laptop caught a very nasty virus and took the longest time to recover. But I'm back now! Hopefully this chapter lives up to expectations.
There was no other way to put it. Professor Preen was a dumb blonde.
Okay, maybe there were a few other ways to phrase that. Maybe, Professor Preen had all the qualities of a dumb blonde. Or, Professor Preen was the stereotypical dumb blonde. Professor Preen was as dumb and blonde as they came. Professor Preen was a ditzy blonde. Professor Preen-
Okay, the point was that Professor Preen was stupid and had yellow hair.
Most of the class caught on rather quickly that you could get away with doing absolutely nothing in her class. And the rest figured out you could get away with doing absolutely anything in her class, which was so much worse. So every Defence Against the Dark Arts class, I would sit down, plop my bag down, pull put a quill and parchment (mainly just for show- everything she said was almost word-for-word from the textbook, so there was no need to copy that down), manage to pay attention for about five minutes to get the gist of the lesson, and then completely zone out into a near comatose state of daydreaming, occasionally getting pulled out of my fantasy-lala land by James and Sirius doing God-knows-what.
Ah, the fine art of education.
"Maybe if I stare at the paper long enough, the answers will just pop into my brain", I mused hopefully. It was a fairly sunny Sunday afternoon, and I was spending it in the library. Joy.
Marlene snorted. "I wish that's how it worked." At least I had somebody to suffer with me.
Somehow, my essay had morphed into something that was due in a week into something that was due the next day. I had less than twenty-four hours to finish a one-and-a-half foot long essay on the origin of goblins, and that was assuming I didn't eat, sleep, get distracted, or use the loo.
"Oi, James! Check out this book of hexes!"
Or have to deal with gits who obviously didn't associate the word 'library' with 'quiet'.
"Let's see", I said, trying to ignore them. "The Origin of Goblins... By Ruby Mante... Goblins can be traced back as far as..." I flipped a page on the book in my lap. "1112 in Wizarding history, but almost definitely existed before that. Most aspects of goblin culture are still unknown to us, as goblins are rather secretive and mistrusting of wizards. The first recorded incident in which a goblin made contact with a wizard was a business dealing, in which a wizard by the name of Taurilius bought a full set of goblin-made armour. However, the familiarity in which the recorder mentions the goblins suggests that this is not the first time a wizard met a goblin." I yawned. All the dates and old-timey speak in the textbook were making my head spin. "Taurilius mentioned that the goblin was only a head shorter than him, indicating that either Taurilius was a very short man, or that goblins had once been taller than they now are." Like anyone cared how tall goblins were in 1112. Except for maybe actual goblins. Actually, I bet that they didn't even care. It's not like I cared about how tall humans were in 1112.
"Hey, did we have Defence homework?" Marlene asked casually, scribbling in a few last minute sentences so her essay would just barely make the minimum requirement.
"No", I answered. If one good thing could be said about Professor Preen, it was that she rarely assigned homework. I turned the page in my book. "If the latter is true, then-" I looked up, my attention stolen by a small paper airplane- an actual airplane, with little parchment wings and turbines and whatnot- hovering above the table. My fascination quickly gave way to surprise as it promptly exploded, paper shrapnel hitting my cheek.
"Sorry! Sorry", Sirius ran up, gathering the mangled remains of his plane. "That was not supposed to happen."
"Wait! You mean the poorly made paper airplane wasn't supposed to implode right over us?" I exclaimed sarcastically. "Well, thanks for clearing that up."
"Well, it wasn't supposed to, but now I'm glad it did! I got to have this absolutely lovely conversation with you!" Sirius exclaimed, sarcasm evident in his voice. He walked off with a cheery "Toodles!" before I could respond.
"I hate it when they get the last word", I muttered grumpily, resisting the urge to shout the comeback I didn't have time to say at his retreating back.
It started with my pumpkin juice.
The beverage was surprisingly delicious, almost like a liquid pumpkin pie.
And it generally doesn't taste spicy enough to burn a hole through your tongue, so you can understand why I was reasonably surprised (and by reasonably surprised, I mean I almost spewed it all over Marlene- actually I think some did get on her sleeve, although she was thankfully polite enough to not mention it) when mine was.
Alright, let's get this straight. I can not stand spicy stuff. The mildest of foods sets my mouth on fire, and I start snotting up, and (in extreme cases) my ears start to burn.
Someone was going to die today.
Well, after I downed a jug of mercifully cold milk.
"Erm... Ruby? Are you okay?" Alice asked, tilting her head a little.
"That was not pleasant", I grimaced, sniffling a little. Oh, hey, my throat still worked. Would ya look at that.
"... Don't you normally like pumpkin juice?" Marlene asked, squinting a little in confusion.
"I do like untampered-with pumpkin juice", I said, looking around for the culprit. My eyes landed on the too-innocent faces of Sirius Black and James Potter. I could tell it was them by the way the gits deliberately avoided looking at me and engaged in a fake, cheery conversation.
I'm actually not that good at reading faces- I just knew it was them because they'd already pranked half the kids in our year, and then some.
Pros of Cursing James and Sirius Right Here and Now
1. Getting to curse James and Sirius.
Cons of Cursing James and Sirius Right Here and Now
1. I'd probably get a detention.
2. They'd just deny everything.
Well, as my mother would say, if the cons outweigh the pros, just figure out another way to do it.
Marlene followed my gaze and nodded understandingly.
"They got me last week- filled the bath with fake bugs", she said, swallowing a mouthful of cereal. "I think they're trying to prank everyone in the school- I even saw a checklist once."
"And no one's murdered them yet?" I asked incredulously.
"Some think it's funny, and others have tried", Marlene shrugged, moving on to a blueberry muffin. "Remember that time Bertram Aubrey ran screaming into the Charms room in the middle of class? Apparently, that was supposed to be Sirius. I don't even know how that happened- they were sitting there the whole time, but Bertram swears up and down that it was them."
"I have an older brother- I know a thing or two about pranks", I dismissed easily, waving my hand. "I'll just put Exploding Snap cards under their pillows or something."
I ended up doing exactly that.
I looked around, making sure that no one else was there, and opened the door to the Gryffindor First-Year dormitory.
It was, unsurprisingly, messy as- erm- well, as messy as something really messy. Let's just leave it at that. (Although the girls' room admittedly wasn't much better.) Clothes were piled everywhere, only one bed was made- and hastily, at that- a dried up ink bottle lay by the door, and I almost tripped over a pillow. Delightful.
I shook the cards out of the pack and into my hand, glancing around the dorm. Which one was James' bed? Was it the one closest to the door? I really didn't have to snoop through their stuff because- well, then I'd have to actually touch their stuff. Which would be gross.
I headed towards the bed nearest to the door, and slipped a few cards under the pillows, another few under the bed, and a few tucked securely into the corners of the bed, between mattress and bed frame. Repeat with beds two through five and I was out of there, desperately hoping the cards wouldn't go off prematurely.
Unfortunately, I forgot to hope that I wouldn't run into anyone on my way out.
"Er... What are you doing here?" a seventh-year girl asked, raising an eyebrow.
"What are you doing here?" I countered.
The girl flushed. "Fair enough."
Oh, gross. I did not want to know. I ran down the stairs, trying not to think about it, and ran back up to the girls' dormitories, fairly sure that no one saw me. Well, no one important.
Operation Get Revenge on Two Gits With an Admittedly Rather Lame Prank was a success.
Well, actually, Operation Not Getting Caught Trying to Get Revenge on Two Gits With an Admittedly Rather Lame Prank was a success. I'd have to wait 'til tomorrow to know if Operation Get Revenge on Two Gits With an Admittedly Rather Lame Prank worked.
Yawning, I stretched my arms out. Change into PJs, fall asleep, then see if my plan worked. That sounded nice. Especially the falling asleep apart.