I stayed in that shower for a long time. Until I absolutely could not stand the icy temperatures of it, and that took a long time. I sit on the edge of the tub, wrapped in a thin fraying towel and I think. About a lot, everything in fact. Life, Sherlock, Chase. Being able to love Sherlock, but still feeling like I should love Chase. I stop feeling and decide to just do something else. So, my brain flies around and makes decisions everywhere, what milk to buy, when to make tea in the morning, until only one is left to make. A single tear rolls down my cheek, but numbness covers my emotions. I make all of the plans in my head and try not to cry. I hear a soft knock on the door and Sherlock whispers, "I'll be in bed." My hand covers my mouth, because I want to scream. I can almost hear my heart shatter at his soft, sweet voice. I have loved this man since the moment I lay eyes on him. My heart would jump when he walked through the door, but now? Now I only ever see Chase when he looks at me. Their similarities are horrendous. The worst of which, is their capability to kill and their undying love for me. I hear footsteps go away and then I wait the 16 minutes it takes for him to fall asleep. My mind is awhirl, but my heart has fallen frozen. I slip into the bedroom. My eyes fall on Sherlock's sleeping body. His chest is moving rhythmically as he sleeps. His lips pull into a smile as his dream takes on something peaceful. My heart thumps, but I turn to the closet and grab some clothes. But not just any clothes: the deep green dress. The one that hugs my body and makes Sherlock look at me like I am the only woman that has ever existed, and that's what I am to him. I walk to the door and look back at the beautiful man sleeping in my bed. His black curls fall carelessly across the pillow, tingeing with hints of red in the moonlight that shines across the pillowcase. My throat tightens. I turn, taking a deep breath. But then I whirl around. My shaking fingers press against my lips and my hand extends towards Sherlock: a kiss. I rotate once more and exit the room, leaving my second love alone. I scribble words on two pieces of paper and slip one between the keys of my piano. He will find it here. I glance around the small space, filled to the brim with memories. Good ones, bad ones, all of them. Because that's what this journey has been for me. It has been wonderful and heartbreaking during every moment. I stand there nostalgic, but then my fingers brush the doorknob and I leave. My feet skim the steps up the stairs, my palm leaving sweat on the note for John and Mrs. Hudson. But when I enter the flat, John is sitting in his armchair, waiting. He raises his eyebrows, possibly at the dress, and I just hold out the note. He pushes himself out of the chair, crosses the room and takes the note. He holds eye contact on me as he unfolds the note. His brown eyes blink slowly at me. His eyes flick back to the paper. His eyes dart across it, taking in everything. My hand snakes around my waist, knowing he should be reading it when I have gone.
"Don't tell him." I whisper. John shakes his head, his eyes filling with tears.
"Ana, not you, too." He whispers, but my back turn towards the door. The door that I first walked through as a naïve little girl, well not so naïve. I learned so much from then. I learned how to live.
"And John," he looks back at me, his brown eyes filling with sadness, "I'm sorry." My voice cracks. I turn and leave, taking Sherlock's signature trench coat hanging on the hook next to the door. Without thinking, I slip it around my shivering body and slip out of the front door to 221B Baker Street. I lift my hand into the icy London air and a cab pulls over to me. I glance up to the window of the small flat Mrs. Hudson let me rent out, where John is watching me, sorrowful. Our eyes meet and he gives his head a small nod. I lift my hand in a conclusive gesture: my final goodbye.
"London Airport." And the cab speeds away.
Sorry for the super long hiatus! School kind of took over my life for a long time, then tumblr did, so yeah! But this chapter really was kind of like therapy for me and I hope you enjoy it!
CaughtInTheStorm