SANTANA
July, 2009
It's my 15th birthday, and it has been an awesome day. Since I'm a summer baby, I always have the best birthday parties because everyone is off from school. 15 is kind of a big deal in my family, like most Hispanic families, it's sort of like our Sweet 16. I'm having a family event over the weekend, but tonight is just about hanging out with my friends. People are jumping in and out of the pool, a bunch of guys have started a fire in the fire pit, and a crowd has gathered in the living room cheering and hollering at the awkward dance battle going on while playing Dance Dance Revolution. I've had a smile on my face for hours; this has been the best birthday ever.
I've got my eye on Puckerman and some of the other guys at the fire pit. My mother and father basically threatened my life when they agreed to give me leeway during this party and stay out of my hair. Their single condition was no alcohol, and if anyone is going to break that edict, it would be Puck. My parents have held up their end by generally staying out of sight and only passing through occasionally to check in, and I want to earn their trust by following through on mine.
It's only because I'm watching Puck so carefully that I see him slide in next to Quinn at the fire pit and start whispering in her ear. My stomach turns uncomfortably at the sight, and I want nothing more than to march over and yank him by his stupid mohawk away from my beautiful blonde best friend. I set off in their direction, but am stopped by a hand on my arm.
I turn to find the new girl, Brittany, smiling at me. We met at Cheerios camp, and I know she's going to make varsity. Girl can dance. We hit it off right away, and she's kind of become a little addition to the Santana and Quinn power duo.
"Hey Britt, are you having fun?"
"Oh my God, yes, this party is awesome. I've done like, 40 flips off the diving board."
Oh wow. I realize that Brittany is only wearing a tiny bikini, and that her top is slightly askew, evidently from her many flips into the pool. Her long blonde hair is really all that is covering her. I quickly reach up and fix her top, giving her a nervous smile.
"Thanks," she says, clearly unaffected by the fact that one of her boobs was basically just hanging out.
"No problem," I say with a laugh and a slight shake of my head.
I admire how completely oblivious she is to social pressures. Brittany doesn't seem to care what anyone thinks of her, nor does she seem too keen on judging others.
"Have you been in the pool the entire time?" I've caught sight of her wrinkled fingertips.
"I forgot a towel, or a change of clothes, so I've just stayed in the pool," she says with a casual shrug.
"Britt! Why didn't you say something? You can borrow some."
As I'm talking, I see Puck lean in and kiss Quinn. She looks stiff, but doesn't pull away. My stomach drops and I feel my eyes water slightly.
"Really? Thanks!" Britt looks relieved.
I grab her hand and walk quickly into the house and up to my room. I grab her a towel and wrap it around her, rubbing my hands up and down her arms. The house is air conditioned, and the cold catches up to Brittany quickly. I grab her some shorts and a t-shirt, along with underwear and a sports bra. She takes the clothes gratefully, and changes in my bathroom. When she comes out, I take the towel from her hands and sit her down at my desk so I can gather her hair in the towel and squeeze the water out. When I'm done I hang the towel up and walk back to Brittany, who's standing now, and she wraps me in a tight hug.
"Thank you," she murmurs, her soft breath tickling my ear.
I feel a strange combination of comfort and heat in her arms. When she pulls back to study my face, my breath catches in my throat. I am frozen when she moves her mouth to mine, but quickly recover, returning her kiss with fervor. I've thought about kissing girls, well really just Quinn, more than I'd like to admit, and this kiss is better than I've ever imagined. Brittany's lips are soft and pliant, she's moving slowly, as if she knows I'm new to this. When she pulls away, she looks into my eyes and smiles brightly, before placing a single peck on my lips and turning for the door.
I register, with a start, that the door is slightly open, but don't have much time to think about it as Brittany drags me by my hand back down to the party. My heart is still thudding from the illicit kiss we just shared and I can't stop thinking about Quinn. I remember her kissing Puckerman and suddenly feel worry seep through my body. How could I let her out of my sight with that horny douchebag?
I realize that everyone downstairs has started cheering at my appearance and I give them a full, fake smile, feeling slightly panicked about finding my best friend.
"Quinn!" I shout happily when I spot her without the idiot attachment she'd had earlier.
She turns and glares at me, her eyes so hard I stop in my tracks. She closes the gap between us, her movements stiff and jerky.
"You are such an asshole," she practically hisses at me between her teeth.
The air leaves my lungs in shock, and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. Her breath smells faintly like alcohol, but I'm too shocked to really register what that means.
"Wha-why, what happened?"
She doesn't answer me and instead pushes passed me and out the front door. I'm frozen in place for a beat before I turn and follow after her, feeling truly panicked.
"Quinn, STOP! Talk to me!"
I see her shaking her head vehemently as she strides purposefully away from me.
"Please Quinn," I beg shamelessly as I finally reach out and grab her arm.
She wheels on me and stares at me hard for a moment, before her face softens and her eyes look conflicted for half a second.
Before I can register the movement, she has stepped in closer to me and is grabbing my face with both hands. In the next instant I feel Quinn's hot breath against my mouth and then her lips, kissing me hard, almost desperately. I don't hesitate to match her and then some. I wrap my arms around her small waist and pull her against me. My senses are overwhelmed with Quinn and the feeling of just...YES. She is everything to me in this moment.
When we pull apart, she puts some distance between us. I can see tears in her eyes and reach back out to hug her, but she pushes my hands away.
"Don't," she says, and turns to walk away.
"I don't understand! Why won't you talk to me?" I'm still following after her, my tears spilling over.
"Leave me alone, Santana."
With that she strides off, leaving me crying on the sidewalk.
QUINN
July, 2009
I'm wandering around Santana's backyard, mingling with people. I feel like I'm a satellite, orbiting around the birthday girl, always within sight of one another. She is smiling and talking to someone, and my heart swells because I know this birthday has been great for her.
I sit down near the fire and talk to some junior Cheerios I know, when Noah Puckerman slips in next to me and compliments my body in the rudest possible manner. I roll my eyes at him, and to my surprise he apologizes. I can feel eyes on us as we're talking that I'm sure are Santana's. I smirk a little knowing Puck will probably be getting an earful from my best friend shortly. She doesn't like him a whole lot, something she impressed on me emphatically when I'd said I thought he was kind of cute.
When she doesn't interrupt, I glance up to where I'd last seen her. She's still there, talking to Brittany. I watch as she reaches out and touches Britt's chest, apparently fixing her bathing suit. I feel a heavy weight in my stomach and refocus my attention on Puck.
He tells me that he thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in our class. Internally, I disagree with him on account of Santana being in our grade, but I thank him anyway. When he leans in to give me a kiss, I stiffen but don't pull back. I feel awkward, but don't want to be rude. The kiss is alright, a little sloppy and wet, but thankfully he doesn't try to shove his tongue down my throat.
I see Santana rushing into the house, pulling Brittany behind her. I'm instantly concerned, but can't find a polite way to excuse myself from talking to Puck after we just kissed. I listen to him babble on for a few minutes before finally making an exit and heading inside.
I weave into each of the rooms, looking for my best friend. When I don't spot her downstairs, I assume she's gone to her room and climb the stairs hopefully. Once I reach her door, I feel on odd sort of apprehension before I quietly turn the knob and push the door open slightly.
I immediately feel as if I've been dropped off of a cliff. Brittany is pressed against Santana with her head tilted down. I can't clearly see their mouths, but it's obvious that they are kissing. As soon as I can get my feet to move, I hurry down the stairs and out to the backyard.
Puck looks delighted to see me, and immediately swoops in, evidently missing the tears I'm blinking back furiously. He offers me some of his drink, and even though I know it's spiked with booze I drink it down in one big gulp and walk away after handing him his empty cup.
I walk to the side of the house and find myself alone. I feel like I'm hyperventilating, but I'm trying desperately to get my breathing under control. I'm can't wrap my mind around why I'm reacting so violently to Brittany and Santana kissing when I hear cheering coming from inside. I take two deep breaths before I round the corner and walk in the back door.
I see Santana standing in the middle of the crowd looking weirdly guilty and pleased at the same time. It's impossible not to notice how extraordinarily attractive she is when she's standing in a crowd of her peers. She's wearing this odd grin that I can't place and is scanning the room for someone. Most significantly, her pinkie is entwined with Brittany's, who is possibly the only human on earth who can radiate energy and excitement after spending hours in a pool doing flips and playing chicken. It only takes me a glance to notice that Britt is decked out in Santana's clothes, and once again I feel a heavy weight descend in my stomach. I look away from them, angling my entire body as if I can stop the hurt by physically closing myself off from her. My confusion and sadness feel like actual weights on my being. I don't know how to handle what I'm feeling, and it makes me so furious I'm nearly shaking. Anger makes more sense to me than the inexplicable spectrum of emotions I just experienced. I'm comforted by its cold familiarity.
Suddenly, I hear Santana shout my name and turn to see her eyes on my own. She literally lights up as if I've come back from the dead. For some reason her reaction flips a switch deep inside me that sets a fire in my heart. She was just kissing Brittany like it's no big deal, and then she looks at me like that. I'm suddenly terrified that she wants to tell me all about it. The wound goes deeper, and I'm certain that this feeling within me is nothing short of betrayal.
Her face flickers from joy to confusion, and then to fear. I feel rooted to the spot I'm in but force myself toward her, my limbs feeling oddly heavy and wrong.
"You are such an asshole," I say through my teeth, before I continue on for the door.
She's stammering something but I don't stop my movement. I can't be near her, I can't look at her. My brain is in overdrive as I try to sort out what the hell is happening inside of me.
Am I shocked that I saw Santana kissing a girl? Yes. Well, sort of. No? Yes and no. Does it bother me? Not that she did it, no. Then why I am I so angry and hurt? Because it wasn't me. Wait no, that can't be it. But that's it. No! Fuck!
I can hear Santana trying desperately to get me to stop, but I don't stop until I feel her hand on my arm and an incredible electricity radiate through my body at her touch. My stomach turns as I do; it hurts so badly to see her face contorted in pain.
Before I can really process my thoughts, my body is telling me to kiss her. Kiss her and I'll find the answers to my questions. I'm terrified to know, but I have to.
And just like that, I'm holding her face in my hands and I'm kissing her fervently. My heart leaps when she wraps her arms around me and moves her mouth against mine. Her lips are somehow both demanding and needy, and I'm filled with a heady feeling of passion and desire. I feel her everywhere, this is everything. My heart breaks even as it fills with love, and at once I am certain that I am absolutely in love with Santana Lopez.
I want her so badly and yet I'm filled with so many doubts and fears that my brain resorts to the one emotion I can control right now: anger. I am angry at her for making me love her, I'm angry at the world for making it impossible for us to be together, but mostly I'm angry at myself for being too much of a coward to choose her anyway. I pull away from her and throw up every emotional wall I can build in an instant. Still, it takes everything in me to refuse when she reaches for me.
"Don't," I say it coldly and I feel like my entire world is icy.
"I don't understand! Why won't you talk to me?"
My whole body hurts at the desperate sadness in her voice.
"Leave me alone, Santana."
I walk away feeling an avalanche of sorrow within me. I know the way to my house, but I'm certain that I'm leaving my home behind. Everything hurts.