Hello, I am back.
...That is all.
The winter break came. Both Artemis and Draco decided to stay at school – Draco, to get away from his father, whom he was slowly growing very annoyed at, and Artemis for more information (he had written to his parents that his excuse was to give them their own Christmas alone – whether or not it worked because they had believed him or were simply humoring him was anyone's guess).
Despite their parental issues, Christmas at Hogwarts was an amazing occasion all the same.
Artemis, who had spent the previous two years at home, had been able to experience the first, full-blown, magical Christmas. Of course, the ones at home with his mother (and father last year as well) were nice, though simple and homely. Christmas at Hogwarts, though – now that was something.
He had woken via Theodore-alarm, again (now he could see why Blaise hated morning people – it was not even five. Artemis, though an ambitious worker, made himself a rule that unless it was a life-threatening situation, he would never wake up before five!). Theodore had dragged him and all of the other boys (how he found the strength to carry the still groggy Blaise, still clutching his giant blankets and pillows, was beyond Artemis – magic probably allowed one to work against the laws of physics) down the hallway, still in their nightclothes, bathrobes, and slippers, to open presents.
Artemis had given everyone a communicator book – he had gotten the idea from combining Tom Riddle's diary and Muggle e-mail. Hey – Tom Riddle might have been an evil, manipulative person, but Artemis would eat lollipops before he let any good idea go to waste. The books he used were perfectly inconspicuous things that looked like regular notebooks. However, if one wrote in them, the exact words would copy over to all of the other books, like a general network.
"A small scratch will appear on the cover for every new message someone sends," Artemis explained. "So, if I write that we have a meeting in the dungeons tomorrow morning at seven, and Blaise complains that it's too early (the other boy had loudly protested to this example), it will appear as two scratches. Once you read them, the scratch will disappear. You can save any messages you want; the book is charmed to grow if you run out of space. You can also minimize the message so only the subject line appears if you want to save space. When you need to view the message again, just tap the subject line once and you can view the message in full. If you want to delete one, just cross it out and the entire message will disappear."
"Wow, this thing is so cool!" Theodore said. "What if I want to send a private message?"
"I've already thought of that, too. See these three tabs in the back? You can write on these pages specifically, and they will send the message to that person only. Once the person receives it on his main pages, they can either respond privately or forward it to everybody."
They all looked rather awed. "You could make a fortune off selling these. Don't actually do that, though – it makes us less special." How very Slytherin.
Artemis didn't have the heart to tell them that he actually nearly forgot to get them all presents, and had really just pulled out four of his old notebooks last-minute and spelled them in a messaging circuit based off regular Muggle private messaging. Not that they seemed to mind, though. Still, Artemis wondered why he hadn't thought of this before – it would have saved Draco and him all that surreptitious note-passing.
"Thanks for making my gift look totally bad," Blaise grumbled good-naturedly. He gave them all a book an Animagi. "It took a chunk out of my pocket-money. The books only cost a few Sickles each, but I had to pay the store owner more to keep quiet and said it was for my mum."
"You're really set on this idea, aren't you?" Theodore asked.
"Yeah. Don't even start, Malfoy," he warned, when Draco was about to open his mouth to call him a monkey again.
Theodore had drawn all of them moving portraits of themselves. The portraits were not sentient yet ("I couldn't figure out how to make them talk, but they can make facial expressions and move around and things like that," Theodore said), much to Artemis' relief. Blaise already talked more than enough – and he didn't need twice as much talk from the other's painting. Artemis' own portrait smirked at him just then, as if it knew what he was thinking.
Draco was last to hand out his gifts. "I had to put them all together secretly because I knew Father would not approve if I got you a present, Fowl. At least we caught the spies – it would have been much more difficult without." His was actually personalized – Theodore got a rather expensive magical quill and ink set and a box of Chocolate Cauldrons, Blaise had a book on very insulting jokes and a large packet of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans ("In hindsight, maybe that was not the best idea…"), and Artemis received a pair of spelled reflective glasses.
"I know you don't like candy so I didn't get you any. I see you carrying around those Muggle sunglasses all the time and I thought that you might find this more useful. They can see through invisibility cloaks and wards and things like that."
"Walls, too?" Blaise asked.
"Unfortunately not," Artemis said, trying on the glasses. "I could always try to modify and upgrade them, though…I know how these things work."
Blaise suggested, "You could modify it and have a sneak peek in the girls' – "
"No. Just no."
"Blaise, you are awful."
"I suppose you bought yourself a pair, too?" Artemis asked Draco.
"How did you know?"
"Please, something this good, and you wouldn't have left it without getting one for yourself."
"You know me too well."
"So you two get one of those things and I don't?" Blaise asked.
Draco rolled his eyes. "For a good reason! What was that you said about the girls' – "
Blaise pouted. "I was totally joking."
"Sure you were. Come on, you're rich enough; if you really want one that bad, get a pair yourself."
"They don't sell them on the free market, though, do they?"
"No. Originally they just saw through invisibility cloaks. I gave them to a few more manufacturers who added more features onto them."
Artemis also got some clothes and candy from his parents. "Mother is always trying to get me to eat more. She wants me to behave like a 'nice, regular kid' for once. It would be funny if she hadn't actually been serious about forcing me to do it. Did you know that she actually tried getting me jeans, once?"
"Really?"
"And a shirt. There was a picture of an anatomically inept person whose head had to be twenty times thicker than his body, with no neck, and only three fingers on each hand. It said 'RANDOMOSITY' on the bottom. Even I don't know what that means."
"It's called a stick figure and slang, Artemis. I may not be a Muggle, but even I know what that means," Blaise retorted.
"Quiet, you."
Quite unexpectedly, Granger, too, had sent him a gift.
"Of course it would be books." Hmmm. He would have to give her something in return – his father always taught him to be a gentleman.
It was actually kind of…nice having friends.
They sat there, admiring their gifts for a bit longer before going down to breakfast. (In Blaise's case, he had been messing around with them. He actually drew a rather accurate replica of a troll's face and sent it to everyone using the communicator notebooks that Artemis had invented; upon reception, Draco's eye had twitched once before deleting it immediately).
It must have taken an army of house-elves to ready the Great Hall alone. There were lavish decorations everywhere. Though Artemis did not personally care for excessive sparkles and trinkets, he had to admit that it was in good taste. The dark wreaths with velvet, scarlet bows and traditionally golden candles matched the interior design of the castle perfectly. The largest Christmas tree Artemis had ever seen had been set up in the middle of the courtyard, magically charmed to repel all of the snow that was falling about cheerfully.
The suits of armor had been enchanted to sing Christmas carols. Peeves had been up to his mischief as usual.
The only thing he had to worry about was the mistletoe that had been strung across random doorways – apparently, many of the Ravenclaw girls were after him. Before, he didn't even know it, but now, he had managed to memorize the exact face of every single one – a perfect memory was sometimes a curse, although this time it was a survival instinct.
"What do you mean you didn't know?" Blaise laughed, after seeing Artemis dodge another blue-robed horror. "Those girls absolutely worship you. They collect your discarded lecture notes, for heaven's sake!"
"What? Preposterous," he spluttered incoherently. This was just marvelous. Artemis Fowl II, the greatest mind in Europe and possibly the whole world, reduced to a babbling preteen over an issue as silly as girls.
"Hey, I'm actually jealous," Blaise said in an attempt to comfort him. "At least you got some, right? Heck, even a bunch of the upper years want to know how you do it."
"I don't know, but I'd certainly tell them if I did. Anything to get those – " Artemis nearly blanched at the sight of a couple of Ravenclaw girls pointing and whispering behind a corner. He grabbed Blaise and dragged him away from the group (were they taking pictures now?) " – giggling, puerile, lovesick stalkers off my back!"
Blaise shrugged. "You might as well stop trying to hide. They've been doing that since first year, actually, when they realized that you were so smart. Ravenclaw girls like intelligent men."
"You knew. You knew and you didn't tell me?" Artemis accused.
"I didn't know that they were this serious about stalking you and taking pictures, but yeah, I kinda saw them following you around once or twice. I just thought they wanted homework help or something. Don't blame the messenger!" Blaise argued defensively.
"Of course. Mmm-hmm," Artemis said sarcastically.
"Hey, look at this scientifically. In about nine months you'll definitely enjoy this," Blaise said maliciously.
"All deities dear to me forbid," Artemis moaned pitifully. Theodore patted him comfortingly on the back.
The feast on Christmas eve temporarily took his thoughts off the various troubles bouncing around in his mind. (If puberty was this awful before he even started…)
"If you think that this is awesome, you should see the one on Christmas Day."
"Dear Lord."
There were several platters heaping with food – Artemis was not exactly a large eater, but he was definitely a critic. And this meal pleased him very much – everything was cooked to perfection: no burns, no shriveling, no wrinkling. The displays were spared no expense or overlooked detail. It looked like one of those modified foods for magazines and advertisements, only it was actually edible, made from pure magic.
He also tried (actually tricked into, but he would never admit that) pulling an exploding cracker. At least he got a Galleon from it, while Blaise took the rest of the candy. That boy ate like a machine. How he never got fat…
"I have a high metabolism," was his excuse.
"All right then. I believe you."
Even the teachers acted quite out of character (with the exception of Professor Snape, who was always moody and somber regardless of the occastion). Hagrid, much to Artemis' horror, got drunk on mead, and actually kissed Professor McGonagall on the cheek, nose as red as a Weasley's hair. Even more disconcertingly, their normally prim, old-fashioned Transfiguration teacher, who normally would have reproached the man for doing something so improper, simply giggled and blushed.
Professor Dumbledore, who had always been quite queer (E.N. – I see what you did there), was wearing a bonnet of some sort that had popped out of one of the exploding crackers he had shared with Professor Flitwick. How odd indeed.
"Does this always happen around Christmastime?"
"As a matter of fact, yes."
The next morning was somewhat more somber.
He had found Hermione sitting by herself, crying. He didn't want to give her the wrong idea, afraid that she might turn into one of the Ravenclaw girls still chasing after him…but she was sensible enough to consider them friends. Anyway, she was the type of girl that was smart enough to save all of the teenage drama until after she had finished her studies.
He hoped.
"Is something the matter, Hermione?" he asked, approaching her.
Upon seeing him, she quickly sat up straight and stopped crying. "It's nothing that bad…just…Ron and Harry are being so unreasonable to me. Someone sent Harry a mysterious gift for Christmas – it was a brand new Firebolt, can you believe it?"
"A mysterious benefactor giving Harry a Firebolt…obviously, they knew about his old Nimbus being broken…I'd say that it sounds just a tad suspicious," Artemis said.
"Exactly! I thought that it might be sent by Sirius Black – it wouldn't be the first time someone's tried to curse a broom in order to kill Harry," she said.
"It seems to happen every year, doesn't it? I don't understand why he still manages to love Quidditch so much," Artemis stated, remembering Quirrell from first year and the rogue Bludger from Dobby the second (though, admittedly, Dobby had been trying to "save" Harry, not kill him). "So why are they mad at you?"
"I – I went and told Professor McGonagall, and she confiscated the broom. She took it away just to do some tests, and now Harry and Ron are furious because it was 'such an amazing broom,' and it was my fault that I went and 'tattled' and made them lose it. And if that hadn't been enough, Oliver Wood found out, so now the rest of the Quidditch team and the entire House is mad at me, too! I was just trying to be a good friend and look out for Harry, and – and – " she hiccupped and began tearing up again.
"If that had been Slytherin House, they'd be thankful for that," Artemis snorted. "Apparently we're too 'suspicious for our own good'. That's simply unreasonable action. If the broom was cursed, then they should be thankful for potentially saving Harry's life – because a cursed broom won't fly straight anyway. It will be even worse than the cheap school brooms. On the other hand, if the broom is not cursed, then after it's finished being tested they'll just return it. No problem."
"I know that and you know that, but apparently, everyone else I know doesn't! It's winter break and there's no Quidditch games or practices anyway, not with kids going home. Clearly, they'll get it back before the season starts again!" she snapped. "I tried to tell them that, but no. Of course they would be so upset that they lost a Firebolt that they didn't even bother to listen to me!"
"Just grin and bear it, Hermione. They'll loosen up once Professor McGonagall returns with the results of the testing. If it's not safe, you can tell them 'I told you so'. If it is safe, they'll be too happy that they got it back to be mad at you anymore," Artemis reasoned.
"Thanks, Artemis. I suppose I'll just have to wait it out, huh?"
"They'll have to come to their senses sooner or later."
"I hope so." She gave him a hug and walked off.
Artemis seriously hoped that was one of those "good friend" hugs that girls were always giving out.
A/N: For those of you who are worried…yes, it is just a "good friend" hug, all awkwardness played for laughs – psychologically, he understands people very well, but socially and personally, he's at a complete loss. What can I say. I like embarrassing Artemis every now and then to make him seem a tad more human.
I'd like to give Artemis and Hermione a better relationship (because Hermione is the only other human that can keep up with Artemis' insufferable intellect, and Artemis has to be able to have an intelligent conversation with someone other than Foaly). However, I don't want to make it some cheesy romance, even as they age, because they are both too logical to give up their futures for something as silly as that (not that love is silly – just teenage drama). So, for those of you who came here looking for pairings, sit back and enjoy the…awesome action and adventure.