Since people have been asking...no, this is not complete yet. There are still about two more chapters, I think.

"Aim for the shadows," Scales muttered. "I dunno what that idjit was talking about." He licked his eyeball.

"Wha'ever. We just do wha' the boss say and get the promo-shun," Midget said. Midget, ironically, was actually the largest, fattest, burliest goblin in the group. It was their idea of a joke.

He thundered around the back while Scales led them at the front – if you could call walking in front of a large, ragtag mob of goblins "leading."

They were so caught up in their conversation that they didn't even notice two bright red jets of light zooming at their faces.

Koboi Laboratories

"Heh," Captain Short smirked. "What do you know. You guys actually got them."

"This is more fun than playing Quidditch with an extra fifty Bludgers," Draco said sarcastically.

"What are Bludgers?" Commander Root snarled.

"Wizard term," Draco explained hastily.

"Remember, Stunning spells only," Artemis reminded him. "It's easier against a large, stupid group and we don't want to give ourselves away by making a goblin sprout a bunch of random tentacles all of a sudden."

Captain Short and Commander Root had no weapons, but they helped out anyway. Artemis watched as a goblin nearly as tall as Butler was knocked unconscious with a rather painful-looking throat punch. He made a note to himself to never get on the wrong side of a LEP officer, no matter how small, and Stunned another goblin that was charging at his shadow.

Idiots. They were probably told to aim for the shadows, and then followed that order to the letter.

"Gah!" Out of nowhere, a rather large goblin pounced on top of him while trying to desert. Upon hitting Artemis, however, he forgot about his escape plan and instead pointed a softnose laser at his invisible attacker. Artemis attempted to blast the goblin off, but the goblin was sitting on his left arm, in which he held his wand. Pinned to the ground, Artemis watched in horror as the goblin stepped around on his arm wildly –

SNAP.

The goblin had managed to step on his hand. Where he held his wand.

That sound had been the sound of breaking wood, not bone.

Dear lord…it wasn't supposed to end this way…

"Stupefy!" Draco sent a Stunner directly into the face of his captor and groped at the ground until he felt Artemis' invisible arm and pulled him up. "I knew something was up when that goblin fell but didn't hit the ground."

"That's twice you've saved me from a crazed goblin today," Artemis said. "Thanks."

"No problem. You saved me from a troll twice and helped me find a bunch of spies. I consider this repayment." Draco sighed. "You know, before this, I wouldn't have even given something like repayment a second thought."

"Really? Neither would I."

Commander Root and Captain Short had finally incapacitated the last goblin. "They'll definitely know we're here now," Root said. "Follow me – we've got to get to the Inner Sanctum. Quickly!"

The only thing that lay between them and the inner sanctum were two large, bumbling idiots with big guns.

"I hear someone running."

"Yeah, but I don't see no one."

"Should we be worried?"

"Nah."

Captain Short and Commander Root charged into them full speed, and the two goblins were out cold in a matter of seconds. Now all they had to was find a way through the reinforced doors. But with two wizards, and two trained military officers on their side, nothing was impossible. It was only metal, after all. Butler could rip apart something like that with his bare hands in less than half a minute.

"May I do the honors?" Draco asked, twirling his wand. "Bombarda!"

As they entered the room, Artemis suddenly realized that his wand was still perfectly unbroken, even though he had clearly felt and heard the goblin step on it.

Inner Sanctum

"What happened there?" Cudgeon roared.

"How should I know?" Opal snapped, twirling in her hover chair. She still had one final emergency escape chute to the surface – equipped with the fastest pods to date.

"The lasers aren't supposed to be working," Cudgeon said accusingly.

"That's because they aren't lasers, fool," Opal retorted. "It's those magical Mud Men. I thought you said they were finished!"

"I thought you said they were finished, too," Cudgeon growled at the goblins. "Your hit squad seems to have exaggerated their roles, Generals."

"Four shadows – somehow that Mud Child, Commander Root, and Captain Short must still be alive," Opal reasoned. "And that last one must be that big Mud Man that's always around the child. Double the security!" she shrieked at Cudgeon.

Suddenly, a large explosion caught them off guard. The doors to the Inner Sanctum came flying off their hinges. Cudgeon and Opal jumped out of the way, but two of the goblins, who had been more stupid and instead chose to stand there with blank looks on their faces, were hit by the heavy sheets of flying metal. They were caught on the ragged edges, and slammed into the opposite wall, unconscious.

"Too late."

Cudgeon screamed. How could this have happened? He had planned this out so well! Everything was supposed to have worked! He should have become ruler of the world! He should have shown the stupid LEP and the stupid Council and that stupid, arrogant centaur their places!

That stupid Mud Brat had foiled him yet again. It was his fault why this was all even happening in the first place!

And so, like all crazy, stereotypical, megalomaniac villains when cornered, Cudgeon decided his only option was to "KILL THEM ALL!"

Cudgeon reached for his gun and began shooting everything he saw in his path. That Mud Brat was going to have to die sooner or later, and his stupid giant Butler wasn't here anymore. Instead, there was just another Mud Brat that looked just as scrawny and easy to kill.

Mud Brat #1 would be the first to die. Then his stupid friend. Then the stupid girl that shouldn't even be in the LEP. And finally his own colleague, stupid Julius Root, who was always ahead of him in every game. But not this time. They would all die! That was how it would happen!

Quite unfortunate, really, that Briar Cudgeon had never thought to make an Evil Overlord list that actually made sense.

Artemis watched in horror as Cudgeon, insane with fury and having nothing to lose, began to randomly fire at them with his blaster, hoping that he would hit at least one person. (At least the goblins were just standing dumbly, wondering what just happened.)

"Take him down!"

"I can't! The coward's hiding behind a large screen."

Noticing a small screen off to the side with Foaly's face on it, Artemis silently crept over, still avoiding the large blasts. "Foaly?" he whispered.

"Mud Boy, is that you?" Foaly asked. "Where are you?"

"Inner Sanctum. Cudgeon's gone mad. He's trying to kill everything within five meters of him. Even Koboi's hiding. He's behaving too erratically for her to plot against," Artemis reported.

"Whatever. Put me on all screens. The Conference button. It's yellow with a circle."

Artemis did so.

Operations Booth

Foaly grinned with glee. This was perfect. Artemis' little phone was hooked up to the giant projector already. Now, Cudgeon's treachery would be revealed to the entire world – including his co-conspirator.

Foaly loved it when two bad guys turned on each other. It always saved so much time.

"Alright, baby, do your magic," Foaly said, giving the control panel an appreciative pat.

Inner Sanctum…again

"There's got to be a way to stop him!" Holly snapped. She ducked and took cover behind what remained of the sliding doors after Draco's Bombardment spell.

"Our lasers are dead. We can't get close enough for physical combat, not with the crazy idiot rampaging around like that," Root groaned.

"I can't do anything either," Draco whispered. "He's behind the screen! Even if you did have your ranged weapon things, you wouldn't be able to hit him at this angle, unless if you could somehow bounce it off the walls, which I severely doubt even you people could try..."

"Hey, weren't there two of you? Where did Fowl go?" Root asked. He looked around, and saw Artemis at the Inner Sanctum control panel.

"Fowl! What in Frond's name are you trying to do?" Captain Short barked.

She needn't have asked, however, because when Cudgeon's face suddenly appeared on the conference screen, it all became clear.

"Just when things are at their most desperate, I'll tell dearest Opal to return weapons capability to the LEP. The goblins will be swiftly beaten, and those that know of my involvement will 'be taken care of' permanently."

"And then you'll be ruler of the universe and Koboi will be your empress, right?"

"Koboi? My empress? Foaly, do you think I'd go through all this trouble just to share power? Oh, no. I fear that soon after, Miss Koboi will have a tragic accident. Perhaps several. Enjoy your final moments, Foaly. I will."

Cudgeon stopped firing and froze, staring at the screen in horror. "Don't believe him! It's a trap to turn us against each other!" he protested, although it was obviously a complete and utter lie. Both the goblins and Opal Koboi turned on him, furious.

"I knew it," she hissed.

"No, I wasn't – "

But it was too late.

Opal Koboi may have had delusions of grandeur, but she had never once fooled herself into believing anyone – especially a male – of their good intentions. She had never loved Cudgeon, or even viewed him as a friend, and she had never trusted him to treat her as an equal anyway. Then again, it wasn't as if she had been planning to honor her word and sit still as a mere queen…but at least she wasn't stupid enough to go boasting to other people about "tragic accidents."

Opal Koboi was Opal Koboi, and Opal Koboi always had backup plans.

Fairy magic was not meant to hurt, but Opal Koboi knew how to break the rules as well as anyone else.

Pulling a knife out of her boot, she zapped it with just enough energy to ensure that its aim would be true.

In a blink, the knife, sped up by Opal's energy, had embedded itself in Cudgeon's neck. Cudgeon's magic sparked pitifully in an attempt to heal himself, but the blue sparks were impeded by the reflective surface of the knife and countered by Opal's magic. His blood shot up almost vertically, and while everyone else was busy shielding themselves from the arterial spray, Opal closed her eyes and fell asleep.

It was all over in less than a minute.

Operations Booth

"Yes! System control returned!" Foaly yelled triumphantly. Just then, the heavy doors to the operations booth fell open with a resounding thud.

"Nice to see you safe and alive, Foaly," Trouble said, spinning his laser. "Do us a favor and get things working again, will you?"

"Returning control to LEP weapons," Foaly smiled. "Good-bye, goblins."

The DNA cannons, still programmed to target goblins, began firing off high-power lasers at a rate of ten shots per second. Within moments, all of the goblins were knocked unconscious. The smaller ones that somehow managed to escape the blasts were instead taken down by the LEP officers, who miraculously found their lasers working again.

Haven was back on track.

LEP Control Central

"I never thought I'd say this, Mud Boys, but thanks. You actually saved Haven," Commander Root said. Cudgeon was dead, at Opal Koboi's hand. The pixie, unfortunately, was still in a coma, and until she was mentally fit enough to stand trial, would be able to delay the People's justice system for a while longer.

"I bet you want something in return now, don't you?" Trouble grumbled. He was still miffed after he found out that the People were in Artemis Fowl's debt. He still didn't like that kid.

"There's nothing for now," Artemis said. "But we could call on you for help, later. Right now, just let us keep our memories. I don't want to bother you when Opal Koboi is still on the loose."

"Am I supposed to believe that you are just trying to be thoughtful and kind? Because I don't believe it," said Root.

"You are supposed to believe that I am looking out for myself. As long as Opal Koboi is out there, we are both still on the same side," Artemis retorted. "Oh, and Foaly, give me my cell phone back."

"Oh, yeah," Foaly said. "That thing saved my life, you know."

"You're welcome."

"By the way…I looked through it a little while I was waiting for Koboi and Cudgeon to kill each other," Foaly said accusingly. "When did you even hack into my computer system?"

"That's for me to know and for you to find out," Artemis said, smiling his vampiric smile.

"What time is it, anyway?" Draco asked, deliberately changing the subject in Artemis' favor. Artemis silently thanked him yet again. He still had no idea how his wand had survived. Eventually he concluded that the snap he had confused for his wand breaking had simply been something else, and that his arm had managed to turn in such a way that prevented his wand from taking too much force.

"By Mud Man time? It's about five P.M."

"In that case, we still have some time before supper. Just deposit us back at Hogwarts and mesmerize anyone around to think that we were there the whole time," Draco said, smirking. "It shouldn't be that hard. The school's so huge that most of the teachers can't keep track of their students anyway."

"Got it, Mud Boy," Captain Short smirked. As they walked back out, Artemis "accidentally" swiped his phone over the various plans and papers that Foaly had confiscated from Opal Koboi. When Foaly would finally get around to looking at them a few days later, all he would see were regular invention designs and experiments. On the other hand, Artemis Fowl would see the results of decades' worth of fairy research on the nature of human magic.

Hogwarts, 5:30 P.M. (Fairy transportation was amazing.)

"Where were you guys - ?"

"What do you mean? We were here the whole time," Draco said smoothly.

"What? Oh, yeah," Blaise said, and returned to his papers on becoming an Animagus.

"That was rather spectacular," Draco mouthed to Artemis. "I'll never look at a goblin rebellion the same way ever again. Maybe I'll be able to stay awake in Professor Binns' class for once."

Artemis sniggered. "I doubt it."

At least the goblins were all rounded up and shoved back into Howler's Peak. Mulch Diggums, on the other hand, had taken advantage of the confusion and escaped from prison yet again. It would take a few days for the LEP and the Fairy Council to officially sort things out, paperwork-wise, which gave him a bit of a head start.

"Oh, well. We always catch up to that reprobate in the end, anyway," Root grumbled.

In any event, no one would know a thing.