Hi guys, so I really wasn't expecting so much enthusiasm. You guys seemed super excited about this so hopefully it doesn't disappoint. I'll try my best to get book 4 up ASAP. In the meantime, enjoy, and I hope it makes up for the wait.

I have seen other fanfictions on here where the characters play Mafia, and the readers always know exactly what's going on – which sort of takes the excitement out of it. As a result, you get to play the part of a townsperson who will have no idea what's going on! See if you can figure out everyone's roles before the game is over. Unfortunately, I didn't put any of the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs in, because I didn't know their personalities well and so I couldn't write them in, and also, because too many people would make the game super long.

And for simplicity's sake, they'll all be referring to one another by first name (though normally they would use the surname, which is less personal).

So: without further ado, Mafia: the Hogwarts edition.

The final exams were coming to an end at last. The Gryffindor and Slytherin students, who had all finished testing, were required to congregate in the Great Hall where all the teachers could keep an eye on them easily to minimize cheating, as the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws had different testing schedules.

So, here they all were. Stuck in the Great Hall, without any real method of entertainment. There wasn't enough room to play Gobstones (not that Artemis wanted to play anyway; marbles that spit goo at you were disgusting) and Wizard's Chess had gotten old a long time ago, mainly because the same people kept winning (*cough* Artemis *cough*). Artemis already knew more than his textbooks ever had to offer so re-reading them would be pointless, and the other people who still had something to learn were too exhausted from the boring final exams to think about academics right now.

Thus, the rest of the three hours which they would spend stuck in the Great Hall seemed doomed to be passed through meaningless small talk.

And meaningless small talk was not something that suited a bunch of teenage wizards and witches very well.

Least of all Blaise Zabini.

"That's it!" Blaise yelled, standing up and slamming both his hands on the Slytherin table after having lost yet another round of Egyptian War to Theodore. "This is unreal, Theodore. How is it that every time it matters, you manage to slap the cards first? It's like you know it's coming!"

Theodore shrugged.

Blaise continued ranting. "I mean, the first few times it made sense for Artemis, because he was memorizing the cards and counting them off like the cheater he is – "

Artemis was smirking behind his palm.

" – but there's no way you could be doing that! We've been shuffling our decks after each slap!"

Theodore shrugged. "Maybe I'm just really good."

Blaise rolled his eyes. "Hey, well, you know what, guys? I'm bored! Let's play a different game! This one's new!"

Artemis rolled his eyes. Every time Blaise suggested playing a game it usually ended in chaos.

"I saw that, Artemis! And for your information, that game with the jellybeans was just once!" Blaise accused angrily.

Artemis smirked. "So you did catch me. And here I was doubting your intelligence again. Silly me."

Blaise frowned. "Whatever. This game is called Mafia. Theodore and I came up with it a while back. Well, Theodore came up with it. And now I'm presenting it to you."

This time it was Artemis' turn to frown as he turned to Theodore. "Is it the one you play with cards, and the townspeople try to figure out who the killers are?"

Theodore nodded. "I tried to tell Blaise that I didn't make it up. I just saw some random Muggle kids with matching T-shirts in a random hotel room playing this game the other day, and it seemed cool so I thought I'd share it with you. Some boy got smashed over the head with a pillow. It was really funny."

"…Smashed over the head with a pillow?" Draco asked warily.

"Well, it turns out he was supposed to be one of the good guys but he decided to lie instead to help the bad guys just because he thought it would be funny and wanted to see what would happen. So they hit him with pillows, but then a bunch of adults came in and everyone got in trouble," Theodore said.

Artemis looked at Theodore. On one hand, the boy had a very active imagination. On the other hand, a lot of what he said was true. He was a weird kid.

Blaise waved his hand. "Whatever. So are we going to play or not?"

Draco raised an eyebrow. "I don't know…Let me hear the rules first."

At this point, all of the other bored third-years had begun to congregate around the Slytherin table, curious about the new game. As people scooted around to make room, Blaise climbed on top of the table and stood in the center of their mildly deformed circle to explain the rules. (Someone had separated the long benches to make a shorter table so that people could sit on the ends.)

Blaise grinned. "Don't worry. It won't involve any physical exertion or bodily harm. It's just a sort of detective game. Basically, there's a bunch of people, and we all sit in a circle. Here I have a deck of cards. In this deck are three Kings, one Queen, one Jack, and two Aces. The rest are just normal number cards. If you get a King: K stands for Killer, so you are one of the Mafia. Mafia are these special organized Muggle criminals, if you're wondering. If you get a Queen, you are the Healer. If you get a Jack, you are the Detective. Everyone else is a regular townsperson. And I am the Narrator. The Narrator is God. The Narrator knows everything.

"I will start off by saying, 'Town, go to sleep.' Everyone puts their heads down and closes their eyes. Guys, please don't cheat and peek because that ruins the game. Then I will say, 'Mafia, wake up.' The three Mafia wake up and silently decide amongst themselves one person they want to kill. They will communicate only by pointing, or else people will recognize your voice, and that's not fun. Then, I will say, 'Mafia, go to sleep,' and the Mafia closes their eyes. I will repeat the process with the Healer, who must pick one person to save. If they happen to pick a person the Mafia targeted, the victim will remain alive. Finally, the Detective gets to investigate one person he thinks is a killer. I, being the omniscient narrator, will either nod or shake my head to confirm their accusation. Once the Detective finds one of the Mafia he must try to convince the townspeople he knows the answer without revealing his identity, unless he wants the other two Mafia to pick him to kill next.

"Finally, I will allow the entire town to wake up, at which point the people can either decide, together, Mafia, Healer, and Detective included, who the Mafia is. You can pick no one or several people. If a majority of the townspeople vote you as guilty, you will die. You may then flip over your card and reveal if you were guilty or not.

"Another note – if you get an Ace, you are an A-bomb. This part I just made up. If you are killed by the Mafia or declared guilty and hung by the townspeople, you get to automatically pick another random person to take down with you.

"The Mafia wins when they either kill everyone, or when only the Healer is left with one Mafia because the Healer can keep saving themselves making the game last forever. The townspeople win when they find all the Mafia.

"Now then, who wants to play?"

Seeing as he had nothing better to do, Artemis raised is hand, as did most of the Great Hall.

Blaise grinned. "Very well, then. Let's begin."

And so he passed out the cards. Everyone took a look at theirs, and then put them back down.

"Everybody go to sleep."

Let the bloodbath begin.

Day one:

Players: Artemis, Draco, Theodore, Hermione, Harry, Ron, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Parvati, Lavender, Tracey, Eva, Pansy

Dead: No one

Mafia: 0/3

A-Bomb: 0/2

Healer: 0/1

Detective: 0/1

Blaise: Here I have…an interesting story. Once upon a time…Harry Potter was walking along –

Harry: I knew it!

Blaise: – Harry Potter was walking along, when all of a sudden, a giant arrow flew from nowhere! It went straight for the back of Harry's head, but at the very last minute, Harry, with his awesome Quidditch reflexes, ducked. It zoomed right past his ear, and it hit…ARTEMIS in the middle of the chest!

Artemis: Really? I was in that conveniently improbable location?

Blaise: Luckily, however, the arrow missed his heart by an inch, so he was able to get up to the hospital wing right on time to get healed. In the end, nobody died. How lame. So, any prosecutors?

Artemis: Well, obviously, whoever tried to kill me was afraid of my deductive powers.

Hermione: That doesn't help us much. Everyone's afraid of your deductive powers.

Theodore: But obviously this isn't just some inexperienced person. Whoever it was felt threatened and went straight for the kill. Which is why I think it's someone who knows you well. Something tells me that Draco is one of the Mafia.

Draco: Well, I think that Theodore is unusually quick to accuse today.

Theodore: I don't get to talk much, Draco. I just have the slightest hunch that you're the Mafia.

Ron: I second that! He hates Harry.

Blaise: Ron, you do realize Harry was never targeted in the first place. I just made that up to make the story cooler than "Artemis died but was saved. The end."

Artemis: I would trust Theodore's intuition.

Hermione: So would I. Didn't he figure out where the whole Chamber of Secrets was last year?

Parvati: Yeah, I trust Theodore. I think Draco's guilty.

Pansy: No! Draco is innocent!

Seamus: I played this game before with me friends before Hogwarts. People usually started out by killin' the people they knew best. I'd say Draco and Artemis were good friends, I think.

Blaise: Right, so Draco Malfoy is on the accusation list. Any others?

Theodore: Unfortunately, I can't see anyone else right now. I say we kill Draco for now until we have more leads, or I get lucky again.

Blaise: All right, Draco Malfoy, you are here today, to be accused of being a member of the Mafia. How do you plead?

Draco: Not guilty!

Blaise: HAH! HAH! That's what they all say. Where were you on the night of the 25th?

Draco: I was in bed, asleep, like any normal person! For Merlin's sake, I went up to the dorms with you, Blaise!

Blaise: But you could have snuck out of bed.

Draco: You just said the arrow hit Artemis in the middle of broad daylight. I was with you the entire day, studying for exams, remember?

Blaise: Not the entire day. I remember you took a few… "breaks."

Draco: So did you.

Blaise: I didn't kill them, though. I'm God. And for challenging my authority I hold you guilty in contempt of court.

Draco: This is so unreal. I was expecting a fair trial, not a Spanish Inquisition!

Blaise: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION! Who votes Draco guilty?

Hermione: How do you guys even know what the Spanish Inquisition is? You never pay attention in Binns! And that's a Muggle thing!

Blaise: Shhh! Who votes Draco guilty?

(Everyone raises their hands)

Blaise: Right, sorry Draco. You're dead. Care to show us your card?

Draco: I hate you guys. (Flips over his card)

Tracey: Nice, Theo!

Theodore: Thanks.

Day two:

Players: Artemis, Theodore, Hermione, Harry, Ron, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Parvati, Lavender, Tracey, Eva, Pansy

Dead: Draco (Mafia)

Mafia: 1/3

A-Bomb: 0/2

Healer: 0/1

Detective: 0/1

Blaise: And thus begins another beautiful, sunny day. Harry Potter was walking along the Owlery…

Harry: Not again!

Blaise: When he slipped on a spilled sack of owl treats and fell out the window.

Harry: What the – ? Those windows are five feet off the floor! How would I trip and fall out of them –

Blaise: Shh, shh, shh, Harry. Just let it happen. Let it happen.

Harry: Hmph.

Blaise: So as I was saying, Harry tripped and fell out of the Owlery window. He plunged a thousand feet to his death –

Artemis: Blaise, the Owlery tower isn't that high off the ground.

Blaise: Shut up. He plunged a thousand feet to his death, but just when all hope seemed lost, Artemis happened to be walking along again. Artemis walked underneath the Owlery window just as Harry was about to hit the ground, and Artemis broke his fall again. Harry survived, but Artemis was crushed by the impact.

Artemis: The fact that I got crushed but Harry was fine is physically improbable. Don't you guys know anything about energy transfer? Even magic can't explain that – if I was injured, then there was no charm to slow down the fall, so Harry should have been hurt too.

Blaise: Quiet, you. Artemis broke every single bone in his body and most certainly would have died a painful death, if there hadn't been a magical wild Healing bush sprouting right beneath his feet right at the moment when Harry landed on top of him. The magical Healing bush healed all of Artemis' injuries, and disappeared right after.

Artemis: What the…

Neville: There's such a thing? I've never read about Healing bushes in any of my Herbology textbooks…

Blaise: They exist in this game.

Tracey: I think either Artemis is the extremely selfish Healer or someone in this circle really likes him. There's no way a Healer guessed that lucky twice.

Lavender: I think Hermione's the Healer.

Hermione: I think you guys are weird.

Artemis: I think the Mafia are really insistent on killing me. Seriously, twice in a row?

Blaise: Any accusations?

Theodore: Artemis, are you the Healer?

Artemis: Yes. And I intend to stay alive as long as possible during this game, so I will keep saving myself. Whoever the detective is, I apologize. You're on your own. Anyway, we have a better chance of staying alive if I keep saving myself because I will have a 1/n chance of saving someone who was supposed to die, while if I pick random people we will have only a 1/n^2 chance –

Blaise: We get the picture! Stop with the math!

Theodore: I think that's a good idea. We need you for as long as possible, Artemis. Let's not accuse anyone right now. The Mafia failed to kill anyone new and unless we get a new lead we'll just be killing off innocent players blindly.

Hermione: I second that idea.

Blaise: So I suppose no one will be tried this turn? Right, on to Day Three.

Day three:

Players: Artemis, Theodore, Hermione, Harry, Ron, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Parvati, Lavender, Tracey, Eva, Pansy

Dead: Draco (Mafia)

Mafia: 1/3 (Draco)

A-Bomb: 0/2

Healer: 1/1 (Artemis)

Detective: 0/1

Blaise: It was a dark and stormy night. The rain was heavy on the rooftops of Hogwarts, and thunder flashed outside –

Artemis: You do realize that thunder doesn't flash, right? Only lightning does. Thunder is the sound caused by lightning and –

Blaise: Shut up, Artemis. Way to kill the mood.

Artemis: …It was getting cheesy, anyway.

Blaise: Whatever. Lightning flashed and thunder crashed, happy, Mr. Perfect?

Artemis: Why thank you. But your rhyming could use some work.

Blaise: Lightning flashed, and thunder roared, then. All of a sudden, a cold gust of wind blew through the Gryffindor towers, and for some reason, everyone could feel the cold despite the windows being closed, like it was a dark omen. At the same time, every single candle simply…snuffed out. The Gryffindor dormitories were thrown into complete darkness. Everyone panicked, and began screaming. In the commotion, a lone assassin snuck into the room, and took one life. When the hubbub finally died down, and the candles relit themselves, it was discovered…to everyone's horror…Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, was lying face-down on the carpet, his glasses broken, with a giant kitchen knife sticking out of his back! GAAAAAHHHHH!

Harry: What? That's not fair!

Blaise: Hey, the Mafia killed you, not me. Stop taking out your anger on the Narrator. Besides, you have to be nice and quiet now, like Draco over there, since dead men tell no tales.

Harry: (flips over card) Well, I'm an A-Bomb, so I think I'll take out Ron with me. Sorry, mate.

Ron: What? Harry! I thought we were supposed to be best friends!

Harry: That's why I'm killing you. You're my best friend so you won't be mad at me later, but if I take out someone else, they'll think I hate them or something, which isn't true.

Ron: Well, (flips over card) I was just a townsperson. I hope you're happy now, Harry.

Blaise: My good people! This atrocious crime! This cold-hearted act of double murder cannot go unpunished! The killings have become real, and they have reached a serial level! Will you act now to save our good city? Or will you let it fester and rot in crime until only the vilest, most foul of criminals remain? Will you stand up against these cruel monsters, or will you let them pick you off one-by-one? Will you –

Artemis: Blaise, we get the picture. Quit with the excess drama, will you?

Blaise: Fine. Way to ruin my moments, Artemis.

Artemis: You're welcome.

Theodore: Well, we know Artemis is the only one innocent for sure – though it feels really weird saying that. No offense, Artemis.

Artemis: None taken. Trust me, I find it more ironic than you do.

Seamus: Both Harry and Ron are dead. Sounds a bit suspicious, if you ask me.

Neville: Well, only Harry got killed by the Mafia. Ron was killed by Harry.

Seamus: Still, it looks a bit suspicious, doesn't it?

Lavender: I agree. I think we need to question Hermione.

Hermione: I wouldn't kill Harry! Harry is my friend!

Tracey: But you heard what Harry said! Ron is his friend, too, but he killed Ron because he knew that Ron wouldn't be offended. So you could have had the same reasoning. Besides, didn't Seamus say that they usually kill off their friends first?

Hermione: Trust me, I'm innocent.

Blaise: HAH! Hah hah hah. That's what Draco said, didn't he? And look at that! That scarlet letter K…that little lying traitor, that piece of incriminating evidence, the only thing that said otherwise to his perfectly unruffled façade!

Draco: Oi! Just because I'm dead, doesn't mean I can't still hear you!

Blaise: Do you hear something? Because I sure don't. Must have been the wind in my ears.

Draco: Shut up, Blaise.

Blaise: Guilty! Guilty! They're all guilty, I say!

Hermione: Hey, who made you the judge, anyway?

Blaise: God made me the judge. I rule by divine right.

Artemis: Riiiiight…and since you are "God," you're basically a tyrannical autocrat in a self-centered theocracy. Sound familiar, anyone?

Blaise: You! Five years in prison for contempt of court!

Artemis: You can't do that! That's not even part of the game!

Blaise: It is now! You can't talk or voice your opinions for the rest of the game.

Artemis: What? That's not fair!

Blaise: Well, I say it is. BECAUSE I AM JUSTICE!

Theodore: You've been reading those Muggle comics with the abnormally large eyes again, haven't you?

Blaise: …Quiet, you.

Artemis: Ignoring that, will you please revoke that new rule?

Eva: Yeah, we need Artemis' smarts to win the game! Besides, at the rate we're going, he's going to be one of the last ones left alive, since he can just keep healing himself.

Theodore: Blaise, let him up.

Blaise: Fine. He can't talk for the rest of this turn.

Artemis: Hmph.

Blaise: And no sign language or secret languages or any other form of communication either! You're in solitary confinement. Muahahahaha!

Neville: All of a sudden I don't like this judge anymore.

Blaise: Shut it, or you'll be next.

Neville: …(whimpers)

Hermione: Look what you did! You're going to make him cry!

Blaise: Sheesh. Fine. Sorry, Neville. You can talk and not go to prison.

Artemis: Can I talk now?

Blaise: Fine, whatever. Since you all think I'm a tyrant now. I'm just narrating.

Dean: Can we get back to the game? I believe we were questioning Hermione.

Blaise: What? Oh, yes! Ahem. Hermione Granger, you are currently being accused as a Mafia member. How do you plead?

Hermione: Not guilty, of course.

Blaise: Oh, really? Then where were you on the night of the 27th?

Hermione: I was in the library, studying!

Blaise: Oh? In the middle of a storm? While everyone else was nice and cozy and socializing in the Gryffindor dormitories? I thought you were the law-abiding type, Hermione, and yet you admitted to being out after curfew…a bit odd, don't you think?

Hermione: I had permission from Professor McGonagall to do extra research!

Blaise: Oh, really? That late at night? Do you still have the note?

Hermione: No…I gave it to Madam Pince.

Blaise: So…you claim to have been out after curfew, in the library, studying in the dark and cold with only Madam Pince for company. Yet you have no proof or evidence that you were in the library, nor an eyewitness who could attest to otherwise.

Lavender: Hold on! If she was out there, like she truly claimed, she could have had a chance to go down to the kitchens to get a knife!

Blaise: A-HA! So, either the little witch is caught in a lie, in which case she was the murderer, or she is the murderer, in which case she was the murderer! Hah! What do you have to say to that?

Theodore: …Huh?

Hermione: First of all, I'm not lying, I really was out! And second of all, just because I was out, doesn't mean I was the killer! I wasn't the only one with access to a knife! Someone could have easily conjured one – or transfigured something into one!

Blaise: And what third-year would have those skills? Hmmm? Only a very talented one…like you.

Hermione: That doesn't mean anything! They could have had an accomplice. An older student.

Blaise: But there are no older students. At least, not in this game of Mafia.

Hermione: Well, since it's a game, as you said, that means there was no knife or dark and stormy night either! Look! Harry doesn't even have a stab wound!

Blaise: You seem…highly emotional over this. Making threadbare excuses now, are we?

Hermione: Any innocent person being accused of a crime warranting a death penalty would be!

Blaise: But this is a game. Just a game. You won't really die. So tell the truth now, why are you going hysterical over this?

Hermione: I'm not hysterical! For heaven's sake, Blaise, you're the narrator! You know I'm not guilty!

Blaise: I am an impartial judge and cannot waive punishment for anyone. Stop trying to bribe me or I will be forced to hold you guilty in contempt of court.

Hermione: What the – ? I'm not even giving you anything –

Blaise: Who thinks Hermione is guilty?

Theodore: I'm not so sure, guys. She sounds pretty sincere.

Eva: I think she's innocent, too.

Lavender: Maybe it's just an act.

(Everyone except Theodore, Eva, and Artemis raises their hands. Artemis is smirking like he knows something everyone else doesn't, but that's normal for him.)

Blaise: Sorry, Hermione, you're out.

Hermione: Fine. I'll tell you now it didn't do you any good, anyway. (flips over card) I was just a townsperson.

Blaise: Whoops, too bad. Everyone go to sleep.

Day four:

Players: Artemis, Theodore, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Parvati, Lavender, Tracey, Eva, Pansy

Dead: Draco (Mafia), Harry (A-Bomb), Ron (Townsperson), Hermione (Townsperson)

Mafia: 1/3 (Draco)

A-Bomb: 1/2 (Harry)

Healer: 1/1 (Artemis)

Detective: 0/1

Blaise: So, it was a relatively average day. Somewhat overcast, with a light breeze, and about a 5% chance of rain. Nothing out of the ordinary. Lavender was walking along, when she decided to stop by the greenhouses to ask Professor Sprout a question about her last test. As she was making her way to the greenhouses, a wild moving plant tendril appeared! It wrapped around her ankle, tripping her, and she went sprawling across the stone tiles.

Lavender: Awww, really?

Blaise: I'm not done. She went sprawling across the stone tiles, where she landed on top of something soft. When she stood up, she realized – it was the dead body of her good friend Parvati, who had been strangled by the vines of the GIANT OOHLAH PLANT!

Neville: I don't think the "giant oohlah plant" is real, either.

Artemis: What's with you and imaginary plants, anyway?

Blaise: Well, not everyone's an herbology expert like you. Besides, I'm God, so I made it exist. *Poof!* There.

Neville: O-okay…

Parvati: I'm dead? Why would anyone want to kill me?

Blaise: We'll find out. What was your card?

Parvati: Just a townsperson.

Blaise: Do you hear that? Over the course of this, the lives of three innocent civilians have been claimed! One through the death of a suicide bomber, one through your own misjudgment, and now…the Mafia have struck again! Who could it be next? It could be you…It could be me…It could be ANYONE!…though not me, because I'm the Narrator.

Seamus: You know, Lavender was kind of vocal about accusing Hermione earlier on…

Neville: Yeah, and now Parvati's dead.

Artemis: Interesting observation, but I doubt that we can accuse people based on being the deceased's friend anymore. For one, the last time we did that, it didn't end too well, and secondly, now that the Mafia know the way we think, they would deliberately be avoiding picking their friends, as well as choosing friends of other people to throw blame off themselves instead.

Neville: So…who do you think is the Mafia, Artemis?

Artemis: I'm not telling.

Theodore: What? Why?

Artemis: Because I want to give you guys a chance to play this game. I already figured out who the Mafia was since the second round, after observing all of your patterns of speech and behavior. Those who were lying, trying to conceal something, or integrating into the "civilians" despite consciously knowing they were otherwise had more irregular patterns.

Blaise: So, o clever one, who are they?

Artemis: They were Draco, (whisper), and (whisper).

Blaise: Hmph. Fine. You were right.

Theodore: And you won't tell us? That's not cool. My intuition only takes us so far. (He twirls his medallion.)

Seamus: So you're just here for fun? In that case, why don't you let someone else be the Healer? If you won't say anything, you might as well be dead.

Artemis: Not true. As I said before, I won't give you the answers, but I will help out. Lavender, and from now on, anyone else, should not be accused solely on the basis that she killed Parvati. However, you are still free to accuse her as a regular person.

Dean: Still, she accused Hermione.

Theodore: Yeah, but the way Blaise was messing with her, everyone voted her guilty, too.

Artemis: What I find weird is how you knew Draco was the Mafia, Theodore. I mean, we were just one round in…

Theodore: This was when the whole "best friends" thing still applied. I mean, it doesn't work now because people are consciously working against it, but when the game is still new and people don't want to be mean…that's what made me suspicious of Draco. Besides, he'd be the type to try to kill Artemis because he knows best how smart Artemis is. And, mostly, because I just kind of felt it. I don't know. I was right, wasn't I?

Tracey: That makes sense, I guess.

Blaise: So, do any of you have any new accusations, or not?

Seamus: Neville's awfully quiet.

Dean: Neville's always quiet. Besides, Pansy hasn't talked since the game started.

Tracey: You're right. She's been brooding over Draco this entire time.

Seamus: She was the only one who thought Draco was not guilty. Maybe she's an accomplice. She could be the Mafia too!

Pansy: I'm not the Mafia. I'm just sad because you guys decided to kill off Draco!

Eva: I just want to say right now that Pansy's innocent.

Tracey: How do you know?

Seamus: Yeah, how are you so sure?

Eva: I can't say.

Dean: Why not? If you don't have any proof it's not worth anything.

Tracey: You're getting awfully suspicious, Eva.

Eva: I'm innocent. I'm going to say that right now. I'm not the Mafia.

Artemis: Since you all seem to be having some trouble, I'll throw out a hint. You might not know who is innocent or guilty but her words should have helped you narrow down your choices a lot. Right now, there's three options. One, she's the Mafia, along with Pansy, and she's trying to protect Pansy. Two, she's the detective, and she knows Pansy isn't guilty, so she's trying to prevent us from taking an innocent life again. Three, she's the Mafia, and knows who the others are, but is using reverse psychology and telling the truth to throw us off.

Dean: So what do you suggest we do?

Artemis: Well, I say you kill Pansy anyway.

Pansy: What? Why?

Artemis: If Pansy is guilty, it means that Eva should also be guilty. On the other hand, if she is innocent, then there's a good chance Eva is the detective, unless she's trying to throw you off.

Theodore: But if she really is the detective then the other two Mafia will kill her so she can't investigate anymore.

Artemis: Well, think about this probability wise. We have nine people left. You know I'm the Healer, so there are eight choices to choose from. If you kill Pansy now, and she turns out to be the Mafia, you have almost a 100% chance of winning the game. Eva's not the type to randomly declare people innocent without reason, but you never know. Anyway, if you kill Pansy now, and it turns out she's innocent, the Mafia will take care of Eva, leaving you with six people left to choose from.

Neville: What makes you think they'll kill Eva?

Artemis: Well, to increase their own chances, of course. If we know Eva is the detective, and the Mafia doesn't kill her, then there will be another living person whom we know is innocent besides me, leaving the townspeople five people left to choose from instead of six. Plus, leaving the detective alive is a liability. Now, if Eva doesn't die, then she'll probably be one of the Mafia.

Theodore: Or the Mafia could leave her alive on purpose to mess with you.

Artemis: We'll cover that scenario in a moment. Now, let's go back to scenario number two. Eva is the detective and gets killed. There will be six people left to choose from. Of those, if you select blindly, you will have a 2/6 or 1/3 chance of getting the first Mafia member. Then, after you vote off someone, and the Mafia kills off another person, you will have a 1/4 chance of choosing the last one, for a 1/12 chance of winning the game.

Dean: That was a lot of math…

Theodore: 1/12 isn't a lot.

Artemis: Well, if you don't sacrifice anyone this turn, you will have a 2/7 chance the following turn and a 1/5 chance the next, for a 2/35 chance of winning the game, which is less than 1/12, or 2/24. If you do sacrifice someone, but not Pansy, your probabilities will be the same as the scenario in which Pansy is innocent. However, killing some other random person will give you no answers, while killing Pansy will at least increase your chances by telling you something about Eva. By agreeing to convict Pansy, you have a 1/4 chance of winning the game and a 3/4 chance of having a 1/12 chance of winning the game for a total percentage of –

Seamus: Enough of the numbers, mate! We get the point. Let's kill Pansy.

Pansy: Well, thanks for objectifying me and making everyone hate me, Artemis.

Artemis: I wasn't objectifying you. I was simply trying to win.

Draco: Listen, I know I'm not supposed to talk because I'm dead, but sacrificing some innocent person for the greater good is a bit dark, don't you think?

Artemis: But we don't know if she's guilty or not.

Draco: You do.

Artemis: But the others don't. I'm trying to play from their point of view. Throughout this game, we voted off innocent people, too.

Pansy: Yeah, but we actually thought they were guilty!

Artemis: What if we think you're guilty? You were highly supportive of Draco, after all, who was known to be one of the Mafia. And though Eva vouches for you, we can't be sure. My way, we have the greatest chance of saving the greatest number of people. If you were truly innocent, Pansy, this should not be a problem for you. If you were guilty, well, then I guess we can say you deserved it.

Pansy: I guess…

Blaise: And thus the fair maiden Pansy Parkinson walks to the gallows. Bye-bye, Pansy.

A/N: In case you were wondering, all those percentages and fractions that Artemis was spewing out…that actually happened when my friends and I played Mafia. That's right. That's how nerdy we all were.

Day five:

Players: Artemis, Theodore, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Lavender, Tracey, Eva

Dead: Draco (Mafia), Harry (A-Bomb), Ron (Townsperson), Hermione (Townsperson), Parvati (Townsperson), Pansy (Townsperson)

Mafia: 1/3 (Draco)

A-Bomb: 1/2 (Harry)

Healer: 1/1 (Artemis)

Detective: 0/1

Blaise: Okay…so this morning, Eva went to breakfast like any normal student would. She took a bite out of a delicious chocolate pastry and promptly keeled over dead. Someone had poisoned her.

Eva: I knew it.

Blaise: But, miraculously, Artemis, being the genius he is, recognized the poison and happened to be carrying the exact antidote in his pocket by pure chance. Thus, Eva was saved.

Neville: What? Really?

Eva: Artemis? I thought you were going to save yourself!

Artemis: It was pretty obvious this turn that the Mafia were going to target you. Since I consistently saved myself this entire game, I reasoned the Mafia would not expect me to leave myself open. Besides, you guys probably won't guess who the Mafia is with the detective gone, anyway.

Lavender: So Eva's the detective?

Artemis: To be honest, the moment she said Pansy was innocent it should have been obvious. Now, granted, the Mafia could have left her alive to arouse our suspicion in her, and make us not trust her later in hopes that the fact she was the detective would be nullified. However, even then, I would have known that Eva was innocent anyway. The Mafia wouldn't have given themselves away so easily.

Pansy: So what was the point of killing me?

Artemis: Because I won't be around to tell you the answers all the time. Logically, that's the step you all should have taken. Besides, I don't like you.

Pansy: What? I hate you!

Artemis: Hate is a strong word.

Pansy: Draco! Make him stop!

Draco: (is too busy laughing)

Pansy: Draco!

Draco: (still won't stop laughing)

Blaise: Now, if you will stop that...Any accusations?

Theodore: Well, trying to kill Eva didn't do anything for us. Any Mafia person would do it.

Seamus: I still think Lavender is guilty.

Eva: Well, Lavender's innocent. I already checked.

Tracey: So who else did you check?

Eva: I checked Artemis the first round. Then I checked Harry, Hermione, and Pansy, in that order. I checked Lavender last turn. They all were innocent. All the people I picked were innocent. That's why I was a bit more vocal about saving Pansy before, because when I tried to convince you guys Hermione was innocent, I wasn't firm enough. The Mafia didn't realize that I was the detective, but neither did the civilians.

Theodore: Okay, so we know for sure that Lavender and Artemis are innocent. You're innocent, too, since I think we can trust that you're the detective. That leaves Tracey, Dean, Seamus, Neville, and me.

Dean: Artemis, what are our chances if we start systematically picking people off?

Artemis: Since you don't have very many people left I would advise against it.

Dean: Well, I think Seamus looks pretty suspicious because he keeps going on about Lavender.

Neville: Yeah, you kind of do, Seamus.

Eva: I agree. He was also accusing Pansy and me, too. Like he was trying to off us or something.

Blaise: Seamus Finnegan! You are accused of being a Mafia member. How do you plead?

Artemis: Not this again.

Seamus: Come on! Not guilty.

Blaise: Very well then. Where were you on the morning of the 28th?

Artemis: Blaise, I believe that by your timeline, this would be the 29th.

Blaise: Shut up. You know what I mean. Come on, Seamus Finnegan. Where were you?

Seamus: I was at breakfast like everyone else.

Blaise: Oh, so you admit to being by the crime scene!

Seamus: I was sitting at the Gryffindor table. That's way across the Great Hall!

Blaise: Ah, but you could have had an accomplice do it for you. There's still one Mafia left. Maybe if you tell us who they are we'll let you go.

Seamus: I won't tell you because I don't know!

Blaise: Odd choice of words there. Normal innocent people would have used the words, "I can't tell you." But you said "I won't tell you," implying that you already knew who the Mafia were and are simply being defiant. So which is it? You won't tell us, or you can't?

Seamus: Can't. I can't tell you.

Blaise: Yet any normal person would correct themselves after being faced with their mistake.

Seamus: Stop twisting my words. You know what I mean, you stupid narrator!

Blaise: As I am acting as the judge right now, I ask that you refrain from calling me such names and instead address me respectfully as "Your Honor."

Seamus: Fine! Your Honor, I believe that you are being unfair.

Blaise: Oh? And in what way?

Seamus: Well, firstly, Blaise –

Blaise: "Your Honor", if you will, Mr. Finnegan, although, being a merciful person, I would not object to being addressed as "Judge Zabini," as long as either title carriers some semblance of respect –

Artemis: Blaise, stop wasting time and get on with it.

Blaise: Oh. Well. Fine, then. Be that way. I was just trying to stay in character to make this game more interesting and fun, but if you guys are going to be so ungrateful then I might as well just step down and let Mr. Perfect over here be the –

Artemis: Blaise, stop having a such a hissy fit and (grits teeth) get on with it. (death glare)

Blaise: (gulps) All right. We will proceed to voting. Who believes Seamus is guilty?

(Dean and Eva raise their hands. Tracey sees Eva and raises her hand, too. Neville slowly raises his hand as he realizes more and more people are raising their hands. Theodore shrugs, and he and Lavender raise their hands. Artemis is sitting there, looking somewhat bored, but smirking all the same.)

Blaise: Sorry, Seamus. You're out.

Day six:

Players: Artemis, Theodore, Neville, Dean, Lavender, Tracey, Eva

Dead: Draco (Mafia), Harry (A-Bomb), Ron (Townsperson), Hermione (Townsperson), Parvati (Townsperson), Pansy (Townsperson), Seamus (Townsperson)

Mafia: 1/3 (Draco)

A-Bomb: 1/2 (Harry)

Healer: 1/1 (Artemis)

Detective: 1/1 (Eva)

Blaise: All right. It just so happens that today was a Hogsmeade weekend. Tracey and Eva went out together like the good friends they normally are. They went to Honeydukes and bought some candy. After that, they went to Madame Rosmerta's for some butterbeer. And then, they met up with the dashingly handsome Blaise Zabini and Theodore over there –

Theodore: Gee, thanks.

Eva: Like I would! In your dreams, Zabini!

Blaise: (Frowns, then turns away and starts wibbling.)

Artemis: No one's buying that for a single second, Blaise.

Blaise: I can't (sniff) believe (sob) you would be (sniffle) so hurtful!

Artemis: Blaise…

Blaise: (returns to normal) Artemis…

Dean: Look, can we just hear what happened already?

Blaise: Fine. So, Tracey and Eva went out of Madame Rosmerta's but did not meet up with the dashingly handsome Blaise Zabini and Theodore over there because they were too shy.

Eva: Blaise!

Theodore: What, is my name Theodore-Over-There now?

Blaise: Anyway, they left Hogsmeade and went back to Hogwarts to enjoy the rest of their day indoors, because that entire story had nothing to do with this.

Eva: What?

Blaise: It actually has to do with Lavender.

Lavender: What, I'm dead?

Blaise: No, because I lied again. It actually had to do with Eva and Tracey this entire time! Only that's a lie, too, because it has nothing to do with Tracey, just Eva. BOOM! Eva got killed in a freak Potions class accident. The end!

Hermione: Blaise, you are such a troll.

Draco: Please don't…

Hermione: Right. Sorry.

Eva: What? That's it? What a lame story! You lead us on all over Hogsmeade, and then you kill me in one sentence?

Blaise: Well, if you include the "BOOM!" that was actually two sentences.

Eva: Two sentences is almost just as bad! Besides, that doesn't count; it was a one-word interjection.

Blaise: It still counts as a complete sentence in my book.

Artemis: Actually, a complete sentence is defined to consist of a subject and a verb, so technically, that interjection, which was actually just onomatopoeia, is simply an accepted phrase.

Blaise: Who asked you, Artemis?

Artemis: I don't need to be asked. I can say what I want. Even if you are God, you don't control me, because I happen to be atheist. I'm interested to how you even came to call yourself God, though, seeing a lack of a religious icon in the wizarding world.

Blaise: I'm just that special. Plus, I couldn't come up with a shorter synonym for "all-powerful deity."

Theodore: Yes, the "all-powerful deity" wants cake.

Seamus: Don't do it! The cake is a lie!

Draco: What?

Artemis: It's a reference to a Muggle game. Don't worry about it.

Blaise: Anyhoo, Eva's dead. Bye-bye!

Tracey: Okay, so Lavender and Artemis are innocent, meaning it's between Theodore, Neville, Dean, and me. It doesn't really help much, considering that Eva's out of the game.

Lavender: Artemis, are you sure you can't help us at all? There's not enough people left!

Artemis: (sighs) You know, you guys are seriously incompetent in this game.

Lavender: Well, we're not super-geniuses like you! I don't read people's faces!

Artemis: I was just making a mere observation, a skill I think you all lack. You've been randomly pointing fingers and accusing people of being the Mafia using threadbare excuses instead of seriously thinking about their actions.

Lavender: Are you sure you won't tell us anything? The only help you really gave was offing Pansy, and she wasn't even guilty!

Artemis: Like I said before, I was giving you a hint on the thinking paths you should be taking. If I were to tell you what I actually know, then that would be like Blaise giving you the answers. It would ruin the game.

Lavender: Well, that wasn't a hint at all. Will you give us any other hints? One that's…more obvious? Come on, we're not all smart like you!

Artemis: I've been dropping hints this entire game, so…hmmm…Most unlikely.

Lavender: Darn you, Artemis! Why won't you give us any hints?

Artemis: What are you talking about? I just did.

Lavender: …What are you talking about?

Tracey: …I think…Artemis means that whoever the Mafia is would be the most unlikely people – ones we'd never guess.

Theodore: He did say before that we wouldn't be able to solve the mystery without him giving us that hint before.

Lavender: Yeah, one that led to two perfectly normal people getting killed for no reason!

Theodore: Not true. Pansy's death and the subsequent attempted murder of Tracey did help us find some more innocent people. After all, we knew that Eva was a detective and we established the fact that Lavender was innocent.

Tracey: Well, who would be the most unlikely person here to be the Mafia? If that's Artemis' hint, I'd pick Neville. He's always quiet and stuttering and overall too much of a scaredy-cat to go around killing people, even in a silly game like this.

Dean: Hey, don't talk about Neville like that! Although, come to think of it, she's kind of right, Neville. You don't look like a Mafia to me.

Lavender: It's always the quiet ones.

Blaise: I think we have an accusation! Mr. Longbottom –

Neville: Please don't call me that. You sound like Professor Snape.

Blaise: Fine. Neville Longbottom, you have been accused of being a Mafia member! Are you going to take that?

Neville: Uhhh…

Blaise: Come on, man, you gotta stand up for yourself! Tell them that you're not guilty!

Draco: Hey, how come you asked all of us "How do you plead?" and then began badgering us like you thought we were totally guilty from the beginning?

Blaise: Because you were guilty.

Hermione: Well I certainly wasn't, but you were treating me like a criminal all the same.

Blaise: 'Cause I'm the judge! I was trying to force a confession out of you!

Hermione: Well, a confession that didn't exist!

Blaise: Hey, don't blame me. The townspeople voted you out. I'm just here for kicks and giggles.

Hermione: "Kicks and giggles?"

Blaise: …Shut up, you're supposed to be dead.

Draco: (snickering)

Blaise: Not you, too. Neville Longbottom, how do you plead?

Neville: Not guilty?

Blaise: Is that a question or an answer?

Neville: …An answer?

Blaise: Then how come your voice goes up at the end like you're asking a question? I'll say it again: how do you plead?

Neville: Uhhh…not guilty?

Blaise: Come on, man! You gotta say it with conviction.

Neville: (whispering) notguilty

Blaise: What was that?

Neville: (still whispering) notguilty

Blaise: I can't hear you!

Neville: Okay, fine, I admit it! I'm guilty! I'm the Mafia-whatsit. I'm sorry, guys, I'm just a horrible liar! I couldn't do it. Sorry. Sorry.

Blaise: And…we have a confession! Well done, Neville! Admitting your problems is the first step to fixing them! Now if you'll just step this way for twenty years of massive therapy and rehabilitation, and if you tell us who the other Mafia is we'll have a nice fancy cake waiting for you as you finish your rewarding journey!

Seamus: Don't do it, Neville! The cake is a lie!

Lavender: Shut up, Seamus! I thought you were on our side!

Seamus: Yeah, well, I couldn't help saying it.

Blaise: Okay, well, you're out, Neville. Now everyone go to sleep. We're going to find the last Mafia.

Day seven:

Players: Artemis, Theodore, Dean, Lavender, Tracey

Dead: Draco (Mafia), Harry (A-Bomb), Ron (Townsperson), Hermione (Townsperson), Parvati (Townsperson), Pansy (Townsperson), Seamus (Townsperson), Eva (Detective), Neville (Mafia)

Mafia: 2/3 (Draco, Neville)

A-Bomb: 1/2 (Harry)

Healer: 1/1 (Artemis)

Detective: 1/1 (Eva)

Blaise: Right. So. It was a dark and stormy night. Again.

Theodore: It was very dark.

Blaise: Yes. It was very dark.

Theodore: And it was very stormy.

Blaise: Yes. It was very stormy.

Theodore: And it was also very dark.

Blaise: Yes, it was dark.

Theodore: And it was stormy.

Blaise: It was stormy.

Theodore: And dark.

Blaise: And dark.

Theodore: Did I mention it was nighttime?

Blaise: Dammit Theodore!

Theodore: (giggles)

Blaise: So, anyway, it was a dark and stormy night again – Shut up, Theodore! – and Dean was roaming along the corridors down on the way to supper. Just as he stopped outside the Great Hall, a random crazy guy in a weird purple turban comes running down the hall screaming that –

Draco: If you complete that reference to Quirrell I'll kill you.

Blaise: I was going to say that there was a massive flobberworm invasion.

Draco: …A massive flobberworm invasion?

Blaise: Yep.

Draco: A massive. Flobberworm. Invasion.

Blaise: Yes! A massive flobberworm invasion!

Draco: Blaise, that has got to be the most idiotic story ever. Seriously? Flobberworms? They are the most boring things on the planet.

Dean: And I get killed…how? Last time I checked, flobberworms didn't have teeth.

Blaise: Well, these ones did! They were a special breed of mutant flobberworms that Hagrid created by accident when he was trying to cross them with giant bloodsucking leeches –

Draco: I wouldn't put that past him.

Blaise: Yeah, well, the flobberworms, when crossed with the giant bloodsucking leeches, ended up growing twice as big and five times as fierce and ten times as ugly. And they had teeth and sucked your blood. They also showed highly intelligent capabilities as they could band together and attack in swarms, similar to bees. And they were headed for Hogwarts! With their eyeballs oozing bloody slime!

Tracey: Gross! Blaise! We did not need that mental imagery! That's just disgusting!

Blaise: Yeah, well, in the resulting panic, the student body burst out of the Great Hall. At that moment, Lavender tripped!

Lavender: Oh, no.

Blaise: Dean saw what happened, though, so he stopped to help her up. And he managed to help her up, but then someone else stepped on him. So Dean was forced to the ground, and was crushed to death when the student body stampeded over him.

Dean: Aw. I try to help someone else and I get killed? That's tragic.

Blaise: Well, as they say, "No good deed goes unpunished."

Theodore: What happened to the flobberworms?

Blaise: I lied. There was no flobberworm invasion. It was just a diversion created by the purple-turbaned individual.

Dean: Yeah…well, (flips card over) I happen to be the A-Bomb! Take that!

Blaise: Oh no, we have a suicide bomber in our midst! Quick! Everyone down!

Dean: Too late! I pick this person to be my victim –

Blaise: NOOOOO!

Dean: – Eeny meeny miny mo –

Tracey: What?

Dean: I lied, I don't know who to pick. I was going to pick Lavender for getting me killed, but we know she's innocent, and I really want to win, so now I'm just picking a random person. It's between you and Theodore. Catch a tiger by the toe –

Tracey: You've got to be kidding me.

Dean: If he hollers, let him go –

Tracey: You are not serious.

Dean: Eeny meeny miny mo.

Tracey: Oh Merlin, you are serious.

Dean: My mother says to pick the very best one and that is you! Sorry, Theodore, you're dead.

Theodore: Darn it. (flips card over)

Tracey: It's a King! And you were the stupid Mafia this entire time!

Theodore: Yep. I was a pretty good actor, wasn't I? (grins sheepishly and scratches the back of his head)

Lavender:Wait, so how come you told us Draco was the Mafia? He was on your side!

Theodore: Yeah, well…I figured if I caught a real Mafia I would be less suspicious.

Draco: I figured as much, but I'm still kind of mad at you.

Theodore: Well, you have to admit, I'm a lot less suspicious-looking than you. Eva never bothered to check me.

Eva: I knew I should have done it. Ugh!

Artemis: Admittedly, it worked against everyone else for a while. But you weren't perfect. You talked too much – more than normal. You're the type of guy who won't participate until he has an idea. But the entire game you were constantly providing input even though most of it was just pondering. The real Theodore would have kept his mouth shut before springing up an idea out of the blue, and you would have said it without reason.

Theodore: Yeah, that sounds like me. Too bad Draco was on my team to begin with and got killed in the first round, while Blaise was busy narrating, huh? They would have figured me out even if you didn't help them at all.

Blaise: And that is it! Case closed. The townspeople win. But it was a close game, and you all nearly lost. If Dean had landed on the wrong person…if he had chosen Tracey to kill instead, think of what could have happened. Think of all the innocent people you killed or let die. I ask you this now: Was it worth it?

THE END

Final results:

Players: Artemis (Healer), Lavender (Townsperson), Tracey (Townsperson)

Dead: Draco (Mafia), Harry (A-Bomb), Ron (Townsperson), Hermione (Townsperson), Parvati (Townsperson), Pansy (Townsperson), Seamus (Townsperson), Eva (Detective), Neville (Mafia), Dean (A-Bomb), Theodore (Mafia)

Mafia: 3/3 (Draco, Neville, Theodore)

A-Bomb: 2/2 (Harry, Dean)

Healer: 1/1 (Artemis)

Detective: 1/1 (Eva)

A/N: I must say, this was really fun to write. I love writing Blaise. He's the best of all the narrators I've played with rolled into one. Thanks for playing along, guys! Book 4 should be up soon!