Welcome Master Hand. Because you were a lazy slouch last week, you now have 306 new messages.

(Master Hand sank a little lower in the air at this news.)

Playing message one:

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Voi-Wario soap gets you dirtier than ever! Pick up a bottle at your nearest store!

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Master Hand! Pikachu's fur ruined another one of my jackets! I swear that if he doesn't stop, I'm going to chuck him in the dryer!

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Master Hand? This is Jirachi. My latest Kroger list consists of vanilla wafers, peanut butter, wine, peanuts, cashews, walnuts, hazelnuts, fried nuts, mixed nuts, unsalted nuts, nuts and bolts, peanuts, grapes, shredded cheese, crackers, and bagels. I'd like it by tonight. I charge a twenty dollar fee for every day I'm without snacks.

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Meta Knight! Why were you sneaking around my room earlier?! If you took anything, I'm gonna…

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Hey Master Hand? It's Mario. You know, there's nothing you can really do about it, but it would be kinda nice if our franchise got a little more attention sometimes…

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This is Krystal. I noticed that I haven't received an invitation to the tournament yet. Are you implying that I'm weak?

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Don't forget to get your flu shot!

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Bowser, your shipment of 1-Ups to Place at Strategic and Convenient Places Throughout Your Archenemy's Journey (Especially Before Boss Battles) So That He Won't Get KO'd Before He Terrorizes Your Minions And Kicks Your Ass has arrived at the Smash Mansion. Please come and pick them up within the next 24 hours. Thank you!

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Master Hand? It's Kirby. Could you kindly tell the rest of the mansion that I do not use spray paint to color myself so that I can-

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GANONDORF! I DON'T NEED SINGING LESSONS!

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Master Hand? It's ROB. …I'll have to call you back.

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Master Hand, it's Meta Knight. It appears that you've been receiving a lot of messages that were supposed to be for me. Apparently it's because our names are next to each other in almost every smasher's phone. So how about this: for the Christmas holidays, I change my phone contact name to Santa Claus. I shake off the fangirls temporarily and you don't get the messages. Sound good? Great. See you at dinner.

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I'm warning you! If you don't get your flu shot, you'll be sorry!

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Hello there! My name is Ganondorf. I hoped you enjoyed watching this video, but if you didn't like it, then I'll HANG YOU BY YOUR THUMBS! I mean, I hope you'll watch some of our, uh, other videos. Oh, and don't forget to consider contributing to our . CONTRIBUTE LOTS! I mean, contribute as much as you feel comfortable contributing…eheh...CONTRIBUTE OR I'LL KILL YOU!

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Master Hand? It's Samus. Why am I getting a bunch of messages on my phone that are supposed to be for Meta Knight? And why are some of them calling him Santa Claus?

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Master Hand. 128 Ways to Die in Super Mario 64 was NOT the kind of attention I was talking about.

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Master Hand, this is the Wii Fit Trainer. Wario thinks I'm insulting him by saying that he's fat, but I'm just stating the obvious! He really needs to go on a diet. Or a workout. Or a—

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-sobs- Master Hand! This is Wario! I don't need a diet, and I work out all the time! Please tell that new smasher to stop insulting meeee!

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Hello, Master Hand? This is Mabel—you know, the fortune teller? My psychic senses warn you of message number one hundred fifty-one.

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ROB! When I get my hands on you, I'm going to throw you in the electronic waste!

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Master Hand? It's Jigglypuff. Someone just stole sixty of the lemon pies I baked. I wonder who would do something like that…

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It's Kirby, DDD, and Meta Knight. Jigglypuff is out to murder us. We'll have to skip today's matches so that—Aieeeeeeeee!

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Agh…Master Hand? It's Entei the retired cook. I quit.

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Get your flu shot today! Supplies are limited!

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What? Nintendo! This is Ganondorf! You got my nose completely wrong for the new Windwaker game!

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META KNIGHT! WHY IS MY SECRET STASH OF CANDY GONE?!

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Master Hand? It's Samus. I told you to get the ORIGINAL pickles! What made you get pickles with butter flavoring?!

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Master Hand! Why did you order us to VARNISH these chairs?! Somebody might just sit down in them, you know, and how would they know they'd been varnished? GET ME OUT OF HERE!

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Master Hand? It's Yoshi. Kirby ate all my watermelons and apples…again. Could you put some on the list?

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It's Pikachu. I screwed up everyone's shopping lists a little. Hope you don't mind. Need any more deodorant?

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Master Hand? It's Luigi. I know you'll be angry about the fact that I knocked over the statue of you in the main hall, but I was wearing slippers and my hammer slipped. Sorry…

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Master Hand, it's Wolf. I think having Firehouse subs for dinner tonight is great! Can I do the honor of setting them on fire?

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Master Hand, this is the National Turtle Conservation Organization. We would like to thank you for your generous donations.

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Come to DK's Snowboard Cross Resort! The ropes on the ski lifts are a little thin, but there's quality service and five-banana rated hot chocolate in cozy treehouses!

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It's Peach. Master Hand, WHERE ARE MY SNICKERDOODLES?!

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Remember to get your flu shot! Even though they're loaded with metals, they guard against flu for up to two months!

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Is this Master Hand? If it is, I'd like you to know that Princess Daisy, aka ME, would like to join your tournament as well. If you have any complaints, well…

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This is Pit calling. Link and I going to have a friendly contest that does not have anything to do with tying our worst enemies to stakes and using them as targets. Will that interrupt any of your schedules?

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Master Hand, this is the Everything Shoe Store. The twenty-four pairs of gorilla-head slippers you ordered are available for pickup. Thank you for your business.

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Master Hand, the name is Butch, not Biff.

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This is Mega Man. Get that stupid glockenspiel out of here; it's tyrannizing me, I swear it!

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Master Hand, this is Fox. That glockenspiel is not going anywhere.

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Please listen to Fox, Master Hand. That thing plays the Viva Piñata theme song!

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H-h-help meee…Master…Hand. It's P-p-pichu. I'm…under the…fifty-pound dictionaryyyyyyy…

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Winter cold season is coming! Don't forget to get your flu shots!

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I'm a Chuckster!

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I'm a psychopathic murderer!

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Master Hand? I'm just a random little Waddle Dee, but I want to call one of the smashers. His name is Luigi, and I'm one of his biggest fans! I don't know his number though. Do you have it? Thanks.

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This is Ness. I say that my monkey SHOULD TO have the rights to his own bed.

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It's Lucas. You wanna play Fling-Pong? It's a variation of Ping-Pong, but…uh, it's varied…yeeeah…Uh, never mind.

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This is a group of random Sonic characters. Can we join for the next tournament?

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This is Luigi calling the readers of this fanfic. So this doesn't end up being any enormous wall of text, the author has decided to split this answering machine about every fifty-one messages. Merry Christmas!