A/N: Three days after I wrote the gag about getting your flu shots, I got the flu. What the heck.
Playing message 103:
(beep)
Hey Master Hand? It's Luigi. Do you have Pikachu's number? He keeps changing it and I need to call him and ask him to get me a copy of—oh, wait….well, what I want him to do can go without saying—it's not that important, trust me—so just call me back with his number. Bye!
(beep)
Pikachu here. I'm about to go shopping while the girls hit the mall—cookie stores, that is. Need anything?
(beep)
Hi Master Hand, it's Nana! I finished making personalized quilts for everyone in the mansion! Can you send someone to help me deliver them? I wouldn't want to overwork Popo.
(beep)
Master Hand, it's Dr. Mario. I really need a pay raise.
(beep)
It's Samus. Do you ever check your email, Master Hand? The caterer that you had last week wants to know where your payment is.
(beep)
Master Hand, this is the Bob-omb supply company. Fork over the bucks.
(beep)
Master Hand, this is the Metamato Harvesters. You owe us big time.
(beep)
Master Hand, this is the Smash Food Bakery. Where's our payment?
(beep)
Master Hand, this is the Waddle Dee company that maintains the Air Ride machines. Can you guess why we're calling you?
(beep)
Master Hand, this is Modern Weapons of United Dimensions. If you don't pay up, we'll shove a laser sword up your…somewhere.
(beep)
Master Hand, this is the Smash Ball Energy Processing Plant. I believe you have a rather large bill with us…
(beep)
Happy Chicken Milk Bar? This is the evil lord Ganondorf. I was calling to ask…do you have dairy free?
(beep)
MASTER HAND! I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THOSE EMAIL LISTS! NOW MY EMAIL BOX IS OVERFLOWING WITH SPAM!
(beep)
This is the 5th Street Pharmacy. We're calling to tell you that we'll have to back order your recent order.
(beep)
This is the 4th Street Pharmacy. We just sent you flu medicine two days ago; we're all out!
(beep)
This is the 3rd Street Pharmacy. How much flu medicine do you freaking need?!
(beep)
This is the 2nd Street Pharmacy. Sorry, but our next order of aspirin should arrive in two days.
(beep)
This is the 1st Street Pharmacy. We'll take your business with pride! …when we get some more of your order.
(beep)
This is the 602nd Street Pharmacy. Stop by soon to pick up your recent order!
(beep)
Master Hand, it's ROB. There's a terrible smell coming from the room on the third floor next to the stairway—aka NESS'S ROOM. Don't even ask me how I can smell things. Just investigate.
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Lucario. Stop trying to stick me in a room with psychos! I'm not sleeping with Sonic, Samus, Snake, Ness, Jirachi, Jigglypuff, Donkey Kong, Wario, Ganondorf, Pit, Mario, Luigi, King Dedede, Mega Man, Wii Fit Trainer, Ness, or Barney the Dinosaur! I told you, I'm sleeping BY MYSELF, damn you!
(beep)
It's Nana. Master Hand, I think we should send someone into Ness's room to check on the smell. How about Diddy Kong or Ganondorf?
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Diddy Kong. If I have to go into the same room as that stupid monkey, I won't be able to hold myself back from beating the living tar out of him and Ness.
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Ganondorf. I can't go into Ness's room because I uh…I have a doctor's note! Oh wait…because I…have to vacuum my castle's hall! Uh, I mean…because I'm scared of the dark! Wait, I didn't mean that! I meant heights! Er, lava! I…I...uh…OH SCREW IT!
(beep)
Hey Master Hand…It's Jirachi. Five whole tomatoes, please.
(beep)
Samus here. Master Hand, the mansion is full of cowards. Out of all of them, assist trophies included, I have to be the one to suit up and investigate Ness's room. Those sons-of…
(beep)
Buy something from the SuperPowerful Laser Cannon Store! Jam packed with so many explosive goods that the employees monitor the building by security cameras twenty miles away!
(beep)
MASTER HAND! MY LAMP IS ON FIRE!
(beep)
Samus calling. Master Hand, Ness is hiding his Jack-O-Lantern from Halloween in the top left drawer of his dresser. It is padlocked with the key around his monkey's neck, and there's a flamethrower he stole from me rigged to the dresser drawer. I've reported, now you deal with it. Why don't you start by telling him how close we are to next Halloween. It's less than eight more months until he can get another Jack-O-Lantern that isn't halfway rotten.
(beep)
Master Hand, K.K. Slider gave me that Jack-O-Lantern and autographed—Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Hey! What're you—
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Wario. Why can't you let me into Starfy's world? I've been there before in Starfy 3! And they use pearls as their currency. PEARLS! You gotta let me, please!
(beep)
It's Snake. The hallway looks scorched. Did you try to enter my room, or was that someone else?
(beep)
Master Hand? Why does Link still have his Christmas tree up?
(beep)
Hey, Master Hand, it's Link. When will you give me the key to that closet in the basement? It's almost Valentine's Day and I still have my Christmas decorations sitting in my room.
(beep)
Master Hand, this is the Isle Delfino Police Force. Your tournament is in violation with over 9,000 of our laws.
(beep)
Buy the new Mario game!
(beep)
Buy the new Sonic game!
(beep)
Buy the new Fire Emblem game!
(beep)
Master Hand, it's Ike. These other worlds are becoming more and more insane as I find out more about them. I almost died because I talked to Luigi after losing a game of Poker to him. When I asked him about it, he just told me that the world was in danger of exploding if I kept talking about it and that he had revived me with some sort of plant…it's psychotic, I say, psychotic!
(beep)
Buy the new Kirby game!
(beep)
Buy the new Metroid game!
(beep)
Buy the new Legend of Zelda game!
(beep)
Buy the new Star Fox game!
(beep)
Buy some more of the Starfy games so that he, too, can join the smashers!
(beep)
Master Hand, this is Mabel the fortune teller. I'm still warning you!
(beep)
Windy's double cheeseburger is still only 99 cents! Get yours today!
(beep)
Master Hand, you need to update the computers in the library.
(beep)
UH HUH! YEAH! FUNKY KONG'S IN THE HOUSE!
Playing message 151:
(Master Hand gripped his coffee cup as hard as he could…)
(beep)
Captain Falcon calling. Wario bought a durian at one of the fruit stands. Can you smell it yet, or can you even smell things? It needs to be BANISHED, trust me!
(…and started cursing himself for ever allowing Wario and durians to enter the smash world.)
(beep)
Master Hand? There are such things as 'No Durian' signs. They're right next to the 'No smoking, $1000 fine' signs. Check Wikipedia.
(beep)
It's Kirby—oh, and Meta Knight too. We're not coming out of hiding until Wario gets rid of the durians. If we starve, it'll be your fault, and we'll sue!
(beep)
Master Hand? This is Jirachi. What is that smell? If it isn't resolved soon, I'll be smelling YOUR ROTTING FREAKING CORPSE to go with it!
(beep)
Master Hand, this is King Dedede. Do you know how it feels to get a durian shoved up your—
(beep)
This is Pit and Link. Wario is going to be used for target practice when we get our hands on him. Will you miss him?
(beep)
Master Hand, this is Wario's Credit Card Company. You owe us approximately one billion smash dollars.
(beep)
Master Hand, it's Nana and Popo. This place smells disgusting! DO something about it.
(beep)
It's Mr. Game and Watch here. Some of the smashers are talking about emergency evacuation.
(beep)
It's-a me, Wario, and I swear, these durians taste like almond custard! I can't help it if they smell like rotten onions and sewage!
(beep)
Master Hand, it's Captain Olimar. There is only one plant that even my Pikmin are disgusted by, and it's called by the name 'durian'.
(beep)
It's the Pokѐmon trainer. Master Hand, I am NOT cleaning up the place from Wario's durian!
(beep)
Master Hand, it's ROB. Even Crazy Hand can't stand the smell. He's going insane-well, more insane than normal.
(beep)
Jigglypuff here. I know what you're thinking. The answer is NO FREAKING WAY.
(beep)
Master Hand, it's Snake. If Wario does not get that durian out of here in the next hour, I will shove a grenade up his ass.
(beep)
Master Hand, it's Lucas. I told Wario that it was an accident, but I did burn up his durians on purpose. I know you'll think it's 'revenge', but I did it for all the people hiding in their rooms. We were supposed to have a gaming tournament today, you know...