(beep)
Master Hand? It's Lucario. STOP EATING ALL MY ICE CREEEEEEEEEEAM!
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Pikachu. The smell of your deodorant is making me sick.
(beep)
Arf! Arf!
(beep)
E. Gadd Sciences Incorporated. Guaranteed to make something insanely useful! Just make sure you read the owner's manual…
(beep)
Master Hand? This is the author. What, you think I'm above irritating you? That's the whole point of this story!
(beep)
Master Hand, this is Samus calling for all of us girls. We aren't cooking dinner tonight. We're just going out to eat.
(beep)
Gr, Master Hand, I feel like I need to kill an elf. Well Link, looks like you're out of luck.
(beep)
Master Hand, this is Link. Whoever just called you, forward them to Wario. Why am I judged just because of my very attractive appearance?
(beep)
It's Pikachu again. Ask Ness if he needs anything for his monkey while I'm at The Pet Store.
(beep)
Master Hand, it's Marth. The Doritos truck won't be here for another week. I'm going to wallow in my sorrow with the rest of the Smash Mansion Dorito-Lovers Club...
(beep)
Master Hand, this is Luigi. Before I forget, can you make our Strikers outfits available in the next game as alternate costumes? I'm-heh-sure the fangirls will love you for it.
(beep)
Master Hand, it's Bowser. I was walking by your office when I heard Luigi call you. I think he's on to something!
(beep)
Master Hand, this is Peach. I heard Bowser and Luigi call you… -giggles- I think we'll all agree on the Striker costumes.
(beep)
Master Hand, this is Wario. I DON'T! People say it made my fat more obvious…wait, I'm not fat! That guy is!
(Apparently whoever he pointed at heard him…)
Fat Guy: -rips off shirt- WHAT'D YOU SAY?!
Wario: Oh no, a fat sumo wrestler! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(beep)
My hair smells like raspberries!
(beep)
My hair smells like blueberries!
(beep)
My hair smells like strawberries!
(beep)
My hair smells like blackberries!
(beep)
MY hair smells like Ganondorf! Do you realize how disgusting his place is?
(beep)
Master Hand, it's Ike. I'm killing my hair…does that make me a murderer?
(beep)
It's Marth. Considering all the weird stuff that happens around here…YEAH, LET'S MAKE THAT CANON! KILLING YOUR HAIR MAKES YOU A MURDERER!
(beep)
I'll call the cops!
(beep)
Oh, thanks Luigi. I can imagine the lines right now.
(beep)
Yeah, it'll go something like this. The cops bang on his door and they're like: 'We're here to arrest you'. And Ike'll say 'Arrest me? For what?' 'Murder.' 'Murder? But I didn't kill anybody!' 'Oh yeah? Well we found THIS at the scene of the crime!' And they hold up his hairbrush.
(beep)
Dun dun DUN!
(beep)
Oh yah, thanks Dedede. Can't forget the sound effects.
(beep)
I'm not thanking him, but it's still funny…
(beep)
Aw, c'mon Meta Knight. What if we have him make up something about…THE HAIR POLICE!
(beep)
Dun dun DUUUUNNNN!
(beep)
They will arrest you…especially if you use dangerous hair products! Or products that your hair doesn't like!
(beep)
Sure…but let's do this off of Master Hand's phone line…
(beep)
All right! They finally made a '128 Ways to Die in Super Smash Bros. Brawl' video! I'm going to watch it to death, haha! Get it? Death?
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Mario. Ehhh…whoopsies. Sorry for knocking that statue of you over again. But not really...
(beep)
This is Snake. I—oh never mind. I'll just go out to eat.
(beep)
YEAH BABY! DR. EGGMAN GOT FIRED!
(beep)
This is Waluigi. Can I be the next pastry chef?
(beep)
Master Hand, this is Pit and every other smasher in the mansion. WALUIGI CAN'T COOK!
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Starfy and Simmy. We're taking a vacation. Adios.
(beep)
Master Hand. This is Olimar. LAWNMOWING WHILE MY PIKMIN ARE OUTSIDE IS TYRANNY!
(beep)
This is Ness. Bananas and I are going on a vacation with Starfy and Simmy. Lucas said he might tag along. Bye!
(beep)
Sweep…sweep…sweep…ARGH! THE MONOTONY! MASTER HAND! Me and my pokѐmon are flat-out TIRED of doing all these stupid chores! Who cares about the extra money! We QUIT!
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Sonic. I can't think of anything to call you about, but it would be a shame if you forgot about me and left me in the dust like Luigi—hey, watch it!
(beep)
Master Hand? It's an innocent bystander. Listen to what's happening in the lounge…
(A voice comes on that sounds similar to Kirby's…but isn't…)
So you wanna pick a fight with me, do ya? Well BRING IT! I've got a supply of CHOCOLATE BAR SWORDS!
Kirby: Yeah, bring it you no-good cake-stealer!
Ganondorf: Ha! Do you two seriously think you can beat me? Your game series isn't even that popular compared to mine! You're just a bunch of pudgy beach balls who are obsessed with food! Why would I—ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH!
Yoshi: -picks up the phone- They'll be alright with some food…hopefully. Once they finish beating up Ganondorf. And possibly a few other people.
(Master Hand winced as he heard the cheering in the background...)
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Dr. Mario. I need a pay raise.
(beep)
It's Ike. MASTER HAND, WHY ARE THE COPS OUT HERE TO ARREST ME?!
(beep)
Ha, you lose, Ike. I'm not helping, you no-good hair murderer.
(beep)
Master Hand, this is Zelda. Mobs of Miis are approaching the mansion from the west plain. What do we do?
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Mewtwo. I could help, but since you blew up the whole night-light thing, I'm not. I even made my cameo for the day. Have a bad night, preferably one that's very dark and without night-lights.
(beep)
Master Hand? It's Yoshi. My pass for the all-you-can-eat buffet tonight wasn't verified, so…I guess you'll get to listen to me continually taunt for the rest of the night, eh?
(beep)
Yoshi Yoshi!
(beep)
Yoshi Yoshi!
(beep)
Yoshi Yoshi!
End of message 308. Press—
At this moment, the phone started to ring. Master Hand moaned, but quickly pressed the button to erase all messages before floating out of the office to stop the Mii army, reign in Luigi, Meta Knight, and Marth, fix the statue of himself that Mario broke, give Pikachu another shopping list, block some telemarketers, and give Dr. Mario another pay raise, among other things.
Trivia: Non-Kirby fans may think Meta Knight's love for milk is just a random gag, but in his spin-off mode in Kirby Super Star Ultra, many of the food recovery items were replaced with bottles of milk, which did not appear in the original, Kirby-played levels.
Final Note: Looking back, a few of the lines make me cringe because they were OOC, mainly in the beginning. Later on I learned more about each franchise, but I haven't bothered to fix the beginning. This was meant more as a parody anyway. Regardless of that, I hope you enjoyed all this. I got some laughs out of it despite its...shortcomings.