Hello dear readers. Yes, I just did the unthinkable. I killed off Fili's children. Thank you for all the comments. I really appreciate them. Things can only get better from here. Right?
Fili had never known such pain. He had had numerous body wounds in his lifetime - more than he could count or recall. Broken bones, burns, cuts, gashes, falls, toothaches, almost being turned into a wraith, arrow piercings, even a surgery in his thirties with very little medicine to aid with the pain. He had seen so many people he loved die over the years - his father, his mother, his uncle, dear friends, cousins, a miscarried baby and two wives. But none of that, none of it was worse than how he felt now.
Parents were suppose to die first. No parent should out live their child, ever. But Fili was alive and his children were dead. The only pain that could ever be worse would be if he were to loose Kili. It was a dark, selfish wish, but ever since he and Kili were young dwarflings and Fili realized the depth of their brotherly bond, he hoped that when it came time for Kili's death, that Mahal would be merciful and take Fili too and, the other way around. Fili didn't want to go first and enter the Halls of Waiting without his brother.
It was that very feeling of being without his brother that kept Fili alive right now. Fili would not die without Kili and since Kili wasn't going to die anytime soon, neither would Fili.
That didn't mean that he didn't hurt, though. His heart felt like it had been crushed. It threatened to drown him, to bury him in pain and grief.
This pain. Perhaps it wasn't worth waiting for Kili if it meant a life of this pain. He could just fade away, let his life slip from the world of the living. Then he could be with Milly and Hrafn and Mailli and Thorin and his parents. He didn't know if Sigrid would be there or if the Halls of Waiting were for dwarrow only. If he could be at his loved ones side, he could be content to wait for Kili, right?
It would be so easy to let the pain envelope him and take him away.
A noise pulled Fili from his dark thoughts. A noise so sweet and pure. A noise that meant life and love. His granddaughter's voice. Mailis started to cry. Not even a day old and already an orphan. No. Not an orphan. She had Fili.
Fili found his granddaughter in Arwen's arms. She was feeding the baby from a small milk bladder.
"Is she alright?" Fili asked.
"She is," Arwen answered, "it's just meal time, that's all."
"May I?" Fili asked.
Arwen vacated the chair she was in and placed Mailis in her grandfather's arms. Fili sat down, adjusted the baby and his hold on the milk bladder.
"Is she healthy?" Fili asked watching Mailis hard at work drinking her milk.
"As healthy as one can be. Quite miraculous considering how ill her mother was during the entire pregnancy and she was born a month early. She is strong, healthy, eating well and beautiful."
Fili sighed. At least Mailis would live. It would have been worse if Milly had lost her life birthing a child who was too weak to survive. But Mailis would survive. She had too.
Fili would not let Milly's sacrifice be in vain. All his earlier dark thoughts left him. Fili would raise his granddaughter. He would raise her to be the fine princess she was destined to be. He would make sure she knew of the greatness of her parents.
Fili was not alone either. He had Hana. Hana would help him. She wanted to be a mother and now she had a child to raise. They would do right by Mailis.
It was the right decision, but it didn't lessen the pain in his heart at all. This pain would be his to carry for the rest of his life. Surely it could never fade away.
Kili knocked on the door and waited. Hana opened it and let him in.
"Hello, Kili," she said.
"How is he?" Kili asked.
"He's alright. Better than I would expect, really. I'm afraid he's in some sort of shock."
"He's got the baby?"
Hana nodded. "Never puts her down. I think he's scared." Kili gave Hana a confused look. "Yes, I think he's scared that if he puts the baby down, he will be forced to think about what happened. As long as he's holding her, his focus is on her and caring for her. I'm afraid that one day, he'll crack." A tear fell down Hana's cheek.
She missed Milly, too. She had spent most of the past nine months sitting at Milly's bedside, caring for her, attending to her. She knew her grief was nothing compared to Fili's but it seemed to her that he forgot how much she loved her step-daughter.
She worried for Fili. He was too calm for what he had just been through.
Kili pulled Hana into his arms and hugged her. "You alright?"
Hana nodded. "I miss her too and I'm so worried about him."
"I know you worry about him, but Fili's strong. It'll take time, patience and love, but we'll help him through this," Kili said. "May I go in?"
Hana pulled away and dabbed at her eyes. "Of course. I think he would appreciate your company."
Kili went to the room that had been Milly's room as a child. Fili was sitting in an old, comfortable chair, in the corner of the room. In his arms was a bundle of blankets with a tiny, pink face peeking out. Kili pulled up a chair and sat next to his brother.
"She's pretty," Kili said looking at his great-niece. "She looks a lot like Milly did as an infant."
Fili nodded. "Aye, she does."
They paused for a while. The baby slept in Fili's arms, occasionally squirming in her sleep.
"I heard you and Hana talking," Fili said. "I'm not going to crack. You don't need to worry about me."
"I know you won't crack. You're too stoic, like Thorin. But, maybe you should crack," Kili said. Fili stared at his brother in astonishment. "You can't hold Mailis forever. One day you are going to have to put her down and deal with what's happened."
"I have dealt with it. I buried my children," Fili's voice was calmly angry.
"It's not enough," Kili spoke carefully.
"What? You want me to scream and shout?"
"Yes, I do, if that will help," Kili said.
"What if I don't want to or need to?" Fili's eyes were cold. Kili was reminded very much of Thorin in his more dangerous moments.
"I think you should do it anyway," said Kili.
"Kili, I can't have what I want, which is to have my children alive, so I fail to see how yelling and screaming is going to help."
Kili knew he was treading on dangerous ground, but he also knew that it would help Fili to let go of his emotions. Years ago, when Torsten had been so terribly injured and no one knew if he would live or die, Kili had felt so sick and helpless. Everyone was tending their wounded, included Fili, who also had to keep up with his responsibilities as King. Fili had been wounded and his son had been wounded and Kili didn't have his brother to turn too. He thought he could deal with the situation, until one night, he found himself in the middle of the training arena, standing in front of a training dummy, sword in hand. His will broke and every emotion he had had pent up over the previous weeks came pouring out. Afterwards, he felt better and he knew Fili would too, if he could just get his brother to accept the offer of help.
"Come to the training grounds and fight me." Kili said.
"No."
"Am I making you mad? You can't sit here forever, Fee. Get up and fight me for making you angry."
"I won't Kee. You are my brother. If I give into my anger, I might hurt you or worse." Fili looked to Kili with fear in his eyes.
"You won't hurt me, Fee. I know you won't hurt me, but I know I can help you. Fight me."
"Kili, no," Fili whispered.
"You'll feel better, I promise."
"I'll never feel better again," Fili's eyes were downcast and Kili saw a teardrop land on his great-niece's blanket.
"You can't be like this, Fili. Look at her. Look at that face. You are her everything now. She needs you to be whole," Kili begged.
"I'm not whole now?" Fili asked. "Oh wait, I'm not! My children are dead!"
"Yes they are. Can you raise Mailis feeling like this? Can you raise her with a heart full of anger?"
"I can and I will," Fili was very angry now. "You don't think I should grieve for my children?" he shouted.
"Of course you should grieve. I would worry more if you didn't, but this anger is different."
"I don't need you to tell me I need to be whole. I don't need you telling me that shouting will make me feel better and I don't need you to tell me what to do!" Fili was yelling at Kili. "You don't know what this is like, Kili! You've never lost one of your children!"
"You're right. I don't know what that's like, but I just lost my niece and nephew and I'm angry about it. I want to yell, scream, shout and destroy every orc that has ever breathed air. You may not want to release your anger, but I do. Come help me. Come help me work out my anger!"
The shouting startled the baby and soon Mailis let out a wail. Hana came, in, having heard everything they had said. She took Mailis from Fili, prying his fingers off the baby's blanket. Kili grabbed Fili by the wrist and pulled him out of his home. Fili's angry steps could be heard halfway across the mountain. Fili was mad at Kili. He had come into his home, yelled at him, called him names, woken his grandchild and now was dragging him down the halls.
Neither of them bothered with the armor, once they arrived at the training ground. They took up their practice swords, weapons that despite their bluntness, were still capable of producing injuries. Fili and Kili faced each other, weapons in their hands and fire in their eyes.
Fili ran at Kili with a yell. Kili threw up his sword in defense and felt the raw strength behind Fili's attack. Kili knew he never wanted to be Fili's enemy and face his wrath, for when roused, Fili was deadly accurate, strong, quick, and could endure for a long time.
Usually, spars like this drew a crowd. Dwarves loved to watch their king and prince fight, but this time, they could sense something was very different. They were uncomfortable and within minutes, the area was completely cleared out except for one other dwarf, Grontar, Captain of the Royal Guard of Erebor. He was like what Dwalin had been to Thorin. He was big, strong, scary looking, fiercely loyal to his king and would not hesitate to throw himself into the fight, if necessary, to protect his king from the prince, or the prince from the king. He stood nearby, ready to intercede.
A particularly hard hit from Fili set Kili off balance. He fell and rolled, pushing himself back up. They went on for a long while and Kili could feel Fili's anger flowing off of him, but Fili's movements were getting erratic and unfocused. It was raw anger now and Kili began to fear for his safety slightly. He trusted Fili would never intentionally hurt him, but Fili wasn't in good control of his body any longer.
He saw Grontar waving his arms at Kili and Kili saw what Grontar had done.
"Stop, Fili!" Kili yelled, throwing up his sword once more against a blow from Fili. Fili stopped. He was panting and his hair dripped with sweat. Kili pointed to the circle of training dummies Grontar had set up.
Fili let loose a terrible, gut-wrenching war-cry and attacked the dummies. Kili stood by, panting as he watched his brother throw blow after blow at the dummies.
"That's for Hrafn!" Fili swung at a dummy, it's thick stuffing slicing open, "And that's for Graig!" Fili slashed at another dummy. Kili listened as Fili yelled out everyone he knew who's lives had been hurt by orcs - Hrafn, Graig, Torsten, their father, their mother, Thorin, Milly, Tauriel, Bilbo and every single member of the company. Kili heard his name yelled out several times in Fili's string of rage. Kili's name was screamed out with one final blow at the last dummy that still stood upright. It shattered when Fili hit it. Fili fell to the ground and let out a long yell of anger and grief.
Finally Kili felt he could approached his brother safely. Fili was kneeling, his swords on the ground by his side. Blood trickled from his forehead and mixed in with the tears that fell from his eyes. Kili knelt beside his brother and pulled him to his chest. He looked up to see Grontar, who simply nodded his head and left the arena.
The brothers cried until Fili actually fell asleep in Kili's arms in the center of the arena. Kili really didn't know what to do now, so he sat and held Fili, who hiccupped occasionally in his exhausted sleep. He didn't know how long he sat there, but his legs were falling asleep and his arms cramped. He rubbed his thumb over Fili's arm, gently trying to wake his brother. He felt Fili's body start to stir.
"Fili?" he whispered.
Fili's head jerked up. "What? Oh," he remembered where he was. "I'm sorry." He started to get up. His head swam and his body ached. He groaned when Kili pulled at his arms to help him up.
"Come on, Fee. Let's go to your home. Hana can patch your wounds."
"My wounds?" Fili looked at his bleeding hands. The repeated hits at the wooden dummies had caused the pommel of Fili's swords to cut into the flesh of his hands. "You look like you have a few wounds of your own."
"Do I?" Kili asked. They left the arena and walked in silence until they reached Fili's door.
Fili stopped before opening the door and leaned his head into Kili's. "Kee? Thanks and sorry."
"You've got nothing to apologize for," Kili said.
"I hurt you."
Kili shook his head. "No, you didn't. I got a few scrapes and my arms will be sore for a few days, but you didn't hurt me. You helped me."
They opened the door. Hana must have expected them to return as they did because she had her healers bag already set out, as well as a bowl of hot water. She patched Kili first. Then she went to work on her husband. She said nothing as she worked. Nothing needed to be said and she could sense the relief in Fili's body.
"How's Mailis?" Fili asked while Hana was putting a rag soaked in ointment to his cheek, next to his ear.
"She's fine. The wet nurse came not five minutes after you left. She fed Mailis and left a full milk bladder. Little one's been asleep since."
It was as if Mailis heard and understood Hana, for she chose that moment to cry. Fili jumped up, but Kili grabbed his arm.
"What, Kili?" Fili asked, with more anger than he meant.
"May I get her?" Kili asked quietly.
Fili blinked a few times and nodded his head. Kili hopped up and went to the nursery. Hana continued to tend to her husband's wounds.
"You alright?" she asked him.
He thought for a moment and gave a little smile. "No, not really, but at the same time, yes, I am. Well, better anyway. I feel," he paused and thought, taking in his feelings and his current state of mind. "I feel better. Better than I have in several days."
Hana smiled and kissed the tip of his nose.
Kili walked in a few moments later. Mailis was no longer crying. "She was wet, but I changed her."
"Thank you, Kili," Hana smiled. She was always impressed with her husband and his brother. Two dwarves with the highest rank in the mountain, and yet showed the greatest humility and love - willingly changing a baby's soiled rags.
They all sat together and quietly talked about Mailis's beauty for a while before Kili passed his great-niece to his brother. "Come to dinner at my home tomorrow?" he asked.
Fili nodded. They would be there.