CH27: Feel In Tears

I don't own HTTYD and their characters, for very good reason. I own OC and OOC.

It's been a long day.

But after everything has been done and work is over I'm finally headed home up the hill. Tilting my head up I see the large keel shaped building that is home.

Walking the path I don't see anyone outside. But I can hear the muffled chatter coming from each house as everyone merrily bonded with their families. Everyone was getting ready for the night.

'Astrid!'

And everyone was happy, everyone's family was doing their own ritual to bless their night. If you listened hard enough you could hear them whisper the tales of gods to the little one as they happily take it all in with wonder and excitement in their hearts.

"Astrid."

"Yes?" I turn my head, my heavy braid whipping hard on my back. The voice is unmistakable she's been my friend for a long time. We were like Stoic and Gobber, a tight friendship that boarded on sisterhood.

"Hey Ruff." She was jogging up behind me, her tired breath seen clearly as she reached me. "What's up?"

'Oh boy this is bad!' Her low volume hindered my hearing.

"What was that Ruff?"

"I said that was bad." Her tone was dead expressionless and distant. Whatever it was must not have been real good. She didn't have her mischievous grin that said it was just too much fun, she had a look that was transparent but with no countenance. It was vacant but then in a blink it changes to a bright and life filled face.

"What did you and Tuffnut do?"

She looked away. "You make it seem like we always do something. Can't I just say hi without an interrogation?"

"Not when you look guilty. What happened?"

'It was bad.'

"Ruff."

"Really it's nothing we were just thinking of getting a party together."

"That doesn't sound bad."

"It's not. Why would you think it was something bad? Fish and the others are thinking the day after tomorrow. What do you say?"

"I'll have to check if I'm able to get away from work."

"What about them?"

"Nothings stopping them from going without me."

"But it's just not the same without everyone present. Come on its one day. Just blow it off."

"You know I can't do that."

"Hahh, fine but try and make it."

"I'll make it. Work or no work I'll be there before you guys start the cake."

"That more like it! It's been awhile since we celebrated like this. Nothing wrong with being happy for bad misfortune leaving our lives. Happy days remember happy happy happy! Smile!"

I give her a big grin. "That's more like it. Come on we'll have fun." She started to turn to leave but she stopped in a start. "Whoa! Geez Limp what are you doing out this late! Go home! You don't need to be here yet."

I couldn't see him passed Ruffs body but once he runs off I can just make out the red hair of a little boy carrying a helmet running off in the other direction.

"What was that about?"

"Eh you know Limpleg; likes to prowl around the darkest hour. Anyways bye."

She ran off home. I do the same.

Every time I approach these doors is like a new level of excitement. I know what awaits me past these doors but in light of what's happened recently. Well I just have very good reason to be happy.

The doors open and the warming heat of a cooking fire greets me and invites me in to see the person who was there in the kitchen making diner.

My husband greeted me home like he always does with a goofy kid like smile and a bad joke.

"So what does a chief like to do after work? Diner, drink, bath, or"

"Don't you say it Hiccup, I'm warning you, last time you used that joke I ended up in bed for a month."

"What about those other 8 to 9 months? Besides it was worth it wasn't it?" He directs his head over to the crib that was behind him as he turned a broth in the pot getting it ready to eat.

I smile at him knowing what he meant. "Yeah it was worth it. So how's he been without mommy?"

"I think daddy's been taking care of him just great. Ruff and Fishlegs came by to see him."

"How nice of them."

"Don't play innocent Astrid. I know you sent them here to make sure we were ok."

"Of course I didn't." He looks at me, he can see right thru my lie. "Ok so I did. I was just worried about how my boys were doing."

"Astrid I can take care of him ok. So I can't breast feed him but that's just that."

"Haha, sorry about that. But just to be clear she volunteered for that part."

"I figured she did it just to mess with me. It won't be long for them now will it?"

"Seven more months. Soon she'll be a mother too."

I look into the crib and see the peaceful sleep of my sons face. "How longs he been down?"

"About an hour or so. Fed, changed, and put to bed. No problems mama."

"Good to hear." I sit in a chair and just watch him work.

The wonders he can do with his hands. I'm not worried that he'll mess up with our son but it hasn't even been a month since he was born, I miss them even when I just turn my back to them.

Dinner is served and it's just bliss in my mouth. Second best taste on my tongue, Hiccup is the best taste of course.

We eat while I tell him how my day as chief was and he tells me how our son did today.

"Gods I hope I'm there the day he says his first words."

"Don't worry about it. No way would he do anything to disappoint his mom."

"Thanks."

After eating the two of us just spend our time looking over our son while we hold each other his head resting on my shoulder as mine lays on his. "Toothless is quiet something isn't he."

"He is. Just a little bundle of wonder in our lives."

"He changed everything in our lives. But even then it still stayed the same."

"Yep, all that's changed is that were closer and more bonded now. He's ours, our everything. Both of you are my world."

"Thanks, you know I was always worried about it. How'd we be together but it's been two years and"

"And I couldn't be happier. This is how it should always be, you and me. The two of us and our son. Hey you know Ruff and the others are having a party the day after tomorrow."

"Sound like I'll need to get my special yak pies and ice cakes."

"You know I'd prefer it if you just make those every night regardless of the occasion."

"Sounds like you just want to be spoiled every night."

"You make it sound like that would be a bad thing. You like them too."

"I do."

"Sooo?"

"Maybe. I'll think about it."

We held on close as we snuggled on a chair. It was a tight squeeze for two adults but that just let us get in closer to each other. Since he was the smaller one he was the one who was more on top of me, I take inthe feel of his soft but boney lower body; his legs, his thighs, his bum. His upper body was leaning into my body as we lay on each other one of his arms tucked between my breast coming up to reach and cupping my cheek ready to bring me into a kiss, his other arm under my head letting me softly rest as I did the same for his head on my chest.

"Four years."

"What was that Hiccup?"

"Four years ago when we started dragon training, well it was obvious I was way out of my league."

"Oh yeah that first day you nearly died."

"What happened next?"

"Well after the training that night I pulled you away andwe talked. I got you to quite training. It was better that way. If you kept going then you would have been killed."

"Do you remember what you said to me? Do you remember what my dad did?"

"I told him, 'you weren't a fighter'. It was obvious to everyone. Seriously what could your dad have been thinking letting you join."

"You got him to pull me out. But that left me nowhere."

"Well I became the champion, we got married, I became the chief in your place, and now we have our wonderful joy from Frayja, goddess of fertility. He's our son and your my husband and their really is no other way I would have it."

"So you're happy like this?"

"I don't think I could be happy otherwise."

Yeah this was all I want in life. My boy and our boy.

"Wow! Really? That's it? This is how you saw your future?"

!?

That wasn't Hiccups soft voice that I heard. Opening my eyes he was gone, no longer in my arms. "HICCUP?"

I look around frantically but the only person I see was Tuffnutt sitting in the corner. "Oh gods nono no no no!" I rush to the crib but he was not their either. "No no no! Where are they where'd they go!?"

"Oh come on. You seriously haven't figured it out yet?"Tuffnutt was sitting and watching me frantically look around my home to find traces of where Hiccup had gone.

"What do you mean?! What happened? Where are they?! What have you done to my family!"

"Ok Astrid calm down otherwise you'll"

"I'll what!?" I charge at him, grab him by his vest, and lift him off his feet.

? My arms lose their strength dropping Tuffnutt to the ground. "Oww see I told you."

"Wha?" I look at my hands but notice nothing. I look at the rest of me and see I'm soaked in red. Red was pouring from my torso like a pool made of red water was trying to form at my feet. "What's going on?"

"Ruff told you didn't she? Seriously that was bad." He shook his head as he waved his finger at me.

"What? You're not making any sense! Actually when do you ever make sense. Where are they?"

"Yeh that's true, but you need to remember Astrid," He took a deep breath and suddenly it felt like his words would become an actual weapon, a weapon that could kill even the strongest dragon. "He's gone. You were never with him and now he's gone."

"He's not gone! Where is he?!"

"Yeh it's true. But we can get to that later. Anyways don't you think you should clean yourself up?"

I look down to see that the red I was covered in was no longer there. I was now as I was just as I was before. I was a teen again.

"I don't get it."

"Astrid none of this is real. All that before was just you dreaming of a better place. I gotta ask, is that seriously your idea of a better place? Cause that didn't seem like you at all."

"What do you know about what I am? And what happened, what do you mean 'better place'?"

"I'm not really the question kinda guy, so I'll only ask one and answer one."

"What?"

"First, the answer. You did something BAD and now you're here to try and get thru it." The moment he said bad my eyes flash with fire and a crying face, but I can't tell who or what.

"That's not an answer what...? Bad?"

"Now it's my turn Pffhh! Was that really how you saw yourself in the future? HAHHAHA that's just insane! Coming from you I mean."

"What do you mean? Are you saying it couldn't happen?"

"Well uhmm well yeah. No offence but you never seemed to fall into the family friendly thing."

"Just because I want to be a great Viking doesn't mean I never wanted a family."

"Is that something out of Viking duty? I mean sure it could have happened like you imagined. You know if you actually confronted Hiccup early and stopped everything from happening like it did, but would that really have you end up with him? I mean your family, they would have never accepted Hiccup as a son-in-law. And it's not like you couldn't have found someone who was better for you."

"Define better."

"You know, a real Viking, a real man. Like me or Snotlout. Hell even you thought it yourself. He was more the wife in the relationship then you."

"Why would anyone think they know what I want? If I want to love someone then it should be someone"

"You can remember and forget? Or is it someone who would make you feel superior, so that you could be the strongest?" I swing my head to see I was no longer in the house of my dreams but in the Great Hall. Everyone was there and they were all being joyous as they celebrated. Lights and presents were everywhere and everyone pasted each other as they gave out gifts.

"I remember this. It Snoggletog from, well really their all the same so it's hard to tell when." The person who I'm now talking to was not Tuffnutt but Fishlegs. His large body despite being in the middle of the crowd seemed to just ignore the fact that there were people bumping into him in all directions. He just stood looking at me and everyone else wasn't there.

"I would never forget Hiccup. The two of us have been together since nearly the beginning. I never forgot that. I may forget some details"

"Important ones."

"BUT that doesn't mean that I didn't care about and wanted to help or protect him. We were never about who was stronger but rather what we could do for each other."

"So you do remember just not everything. …?"

"What are you looking around for?"

"This was not what I set up for my turn. Hold on." The area turned from the Great Hall to the docks. "Are you kidding? This isn't it either." Another change and another scene, this time a familiar cliff side. "This isn't funny." Once more this time a small room that looks like it made like a child's fort. "How is it that Ruff and Tuff could get it right in one go and I can't get to the middle of nowhere?"

One more change and this time we were in the middle of the forest. "There we go. Oh great now I lost my train of thought. …. Oh yeah remember Astrid what happened here seven years ago?"

I look around and try to find something familiar but nothing seemed to click. "It's just a forest. I've done lots of things in the woods of Berk."

"But this isn't something you did yourself. This was the day you really wanted to become stronger. Just remember that's what you swore when you saw what's behind you."

Behind me? I softly turn to look but all I see was. "Snotlout, really? Why would I want to become stronger for him?" But there was something different about him. He wasn't the same young adult Snotlout I now know but how he was as a kid. Back when we were all childhood friends.

I could see his hands covered in blood. 'Guy I uh? Oh no guys I just found him like this.'

I look down and see that there was a body at his feet. Something was sticking out and reflected a small beam of light at my eyes that made me squint and brought my hands up to shield my eyes.

He wasn't talking to me. This is just a replay of what happened. This is made obvious when I see myself, Ruff, Tuff, and Fishlegs run over to see what he was talking about.

"Oh come on! You still can't see it?"

"See what? Looks like Snotlout hurt himself and someone else and is now bleeding. Why bother remembering this when I hurt him every day."

I look back but Fishlegs was gone. I was now standing in the middle of the forest in the past with frozen images of my past playing with the others. Nothing was happening no one was moving. "Now what?"

I decide to look around. I head off in the opposite direction to see if I can find something else. I don't need to look back, one day at play is the same as any other.

I walk in the same direction for what seems a while but here in this inconsistent world I don't get anywhere. Even the distance that should have brought me to Berk doesn't seem to be any closer. It was frustrating and eventually I had had enough.

"AHHHH! What is this! Where am I!"

It was pointless what I was doing and where I was.

"I just want to be with my family again, I want to know where Hiccup is, I want to go back home, I love him, I want to see him again, I want to kill him, I want to hold him, I want to hear him make all the stupid jokes as much as he wants, I'll help him make all the stupid tools he does, I'll wander around with him lost if I have to, I'll behead him, I'll say sorry for always punching him, I'll bath with him, I won't let him get hurt, I'll protect him, I'll stuff his corpses and hang it, I'll stay with him, I'll play whatever with him, I'll go wherever with him, I'll share his pain, I'll take his pain, I want to find him, I'll even try and cook his favorite food for him, I'll I'll I'll hic hic ah ah hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I could feel heavy tears streaming down. I didn't know what to do. I'm just on my knees in the middle of nowhere and there's nothing around, not him not anyone. All I can do is cry and hope he could hear it and find me.

I'm lost. I don't know where to go. Hiccup where are you?

"The River! Hiccup loves fish, he could be fishing!" I exclaimed loud and proud at the simple solution.

'Let's get him some fish. That probably still his favorite.'

Why would I doubt that I know he does, he told me he said when we, when, when we…..When?

I actually reach the river but there was no one there. The sound of the rushing water was nice, the rest of the forest was eerily quiet so any sound was welcomed to my ears. I splash some water on my face, the cold sensation felt good and helped me relax more.

Now that I was a bit calmer and more focused I could think on how to find Hiccup and kill him, and kiss him and hug him. I would settle at this point to just hearing his voice.

"So babe you got that out of your system?" But not his voice. Anyone but him.

I look to my left and see Snotlout sitting by the edge of the river dipping his feet in the water. "Come here sit next to papa." He patted the spot next to him.

I walk up to him and kick him into the river. "Hey! What was that for?!"

I ignore him and walk away but he got out of the water and followed me.

"Come on I'll even take us somewhere beautiful and peaceful and just for us. What do you say? Can't deny that can you, Huh?"

"Actually it's not that hard."

"Well we can't go anywhere else, not till you get out of here. Until you stop saying all those stupid things, were stuck."

I grab him by the collar and hoist him off his feet. "It's not STUPID! So shut up and leave." I toss him back in the water and keep walking away.

Unbelievably and contrary to Snotlout I find a house. "Haa finally." I run to the new building. Behind me Snotlout was yelling something really stupid. "NO Astrid you can't go in their yet! Not the way you are!"

Ignore

Reaching the door I can hear a faint dripping noise from inside. Someone was inside.

"Astrid! don't go there!" I go to the house door.

"Astrid! don't touch that handle!" I grab the handle.

"Astrid! don't look inside!" I pull the door open. But the door was violently shut in-front of me. Someone's thin arm grabbed the door and shut it back closed.

"Who the!?" I look down and I see…. "I don't know you."

He was tiny, tiny and scrawny. His body was like how Hiccup was when he was six, he looked about that old. He was wearing an enormous full body fur tunic over an oversized green shirt that actually had its sleeves drag on the ground even with his arms raised. He had a green left eye and a dark brown eye on the right. Around his neck he had two dragon fangs hanging like pendants. He had a helmet with thick bull horn's on the sides. Under his helmet he had stringy red hair that draped raggedly on his head. I have never met this kid before.

He looked at me and with his hidden hand in the oversized sleeves he points back. I look back and see only Snotlout, but this time we were on the Cliffside.

"Why are we here?" I try to leave but Snotlout stood in-front of me blocking my path. "Get out of my way or I'll break all your toes!"

"Astrid, do you know where you are?"

"A Cliffside? What of it?" I look again but this time I do recognize it. "This is where we used to meet up."

"Yeah but you're stuck too far past. And that's not what I meant. Where are you? And why are you here?"

I humor him and think, I take another look and try to figure out what he's saying. I should be punching his face in but I'm not going anywhere without some answers.

"You'll have more answers for yourself. It'll be more then I can say Astrid."

I focus but nothing comes to mind I'm standing on a cliff waiting. I'm waiting for him to come and find me. To come flying to me.

But humans don't fly.

I look up again to see above me and

…. It hurts. I'm hurt. I hurt myself and made Ruff hurt me.

I did it for him.

I did it because of it that is now standing in-front of me. I should be panicked, I'm standing before the Night Fury. His Night Fury and his brother. But I'm not. I know where I am.

"I'm near death. These visions are my mind running away."

"Right." Dragons don't talk, especially in Hiccups' voice but he's not real.

None of this is.

"Like we said, that was bad."

"I shouldn't have let Ruff do that to me, but I couldn't trust anyone else to do it for me."

"Doesn't matter the reason, it was still bad."

I feel unbelievably cold. My body was growing numb, the pain that I should have felt was fading and my body tried to eject my very life. "So this was what he felt."

"It was pointless and bad. So"

"So?"

"You know your dream was very nice, even if it could never happen. It was like Arvin Dale's Fire, it's beautiful to look at and even more precious if you could ever reach it, but you never can."

"I don't think it's like that. It wasn't impossible I just waited too long, trained too hard. I know. I remember."

"Is that you being optimistic? I mean you"

"I turned my back on him to protect him. I wanted and promised to become stronger for him. He almost died so I trained to…. I trained to protect him from our enemy. A shield maiden protects his tribes' men so that's what I was going to do for Hiccup. When he got hurt I swore to Odin that it would never happen again."

"But you strayed too far away from him and forgot your time together. All that was left was a burning desire to become a strong Viking, but for no reason other than that you could. Your right he wasn't like Arvin Dale's Fire, he was simply like a fruit tree. You became strong to protect your tree from thieves and others that would harm it, but somewhere along the way you forgot you're reason and left it."

"As I became stronger I forgot my reason for doing so. I let my most precious fruit be taken away by someone else. I lost it to a dragon."

"Do you hate it, everything that happened? Do you hate him?"

"No. And yes. And not just him but myself too. I did it for him and I forgot. How can I not beat myself up for that? Damn! Why did I wait so long? Why didn't I just stay with him? And I'm also mad at him because not only could he not even try and trust me, he just decided to run away and forget it all! Like it doesn't even matter anymore, like his whole life before means nothing now! I know he remembers our promises even if I don't so why didn't he or Ruff or someone just tell me! And I hate the dragon that took my place! I should be the one with him! Not some dragon! I don't care about enemies or whatever; we should have been the one facing our problems together! Not them! US!"

"So what do you plan to do about it?"

I look up, the dragon wasn't their but the same boy I saw earlier, the one I don't know. He was standing in-front of the same house I saw before. "Who are you?"

"Limpleg, Ruff introduced me."

"You prowl around the darkest hour, that house."

"Yeah. So what do you want? What will you do?"

"He's gone. Hiccups gone, he was taken from me. I can't change that. You know I even thought that when we were here, if he invited me I would have jumped up with him and we could have flown away together. It's ridiculous and stupid but for a moment while we were here on this cliff I just honestly wanted that, just to be with him."

"So where you just too stubborn or what? I saw nothing stopping you, it could have happened."

"One last bit of Viking was stopping me. It was something about home that said to stay. But really, now I can't feel even that anymore. The next day after he left, when I heard the entire village disparage him and mock him and everything they said about him, well it was like I finally saw Berk for real, like I finally saw what Hiccups life really was like. I was ignorant, I knew he was being bad mouthed but never like what I heard. This wasn't resent ridicule over what he just did; these were the hidden thoughts of what everyone thought all this time about him all his life. And I hate the party they threw to celebrate that not only did they rid themselves of 'Loki's spawn' but that they would soon get to slay him too. Ha, they even bet who would get the honor to do so."

"Bet you got the high bid."

"It was a tie between Snotlout and me."

"So again what will you do?"

"I just wanna run. I wish I could just escape it all."

"Where?"

"Anywhere, I want to get away from here. Form this place that drove him away."

"You did too. Will you find him and tell him you're sorry? Maybe you could still get your happy end."

"I can't. I really do want that dream, I really do want that life, but I just can't."

"So why not? It's easy really just go up to him and say 'Honey I'm wrong. Please forgive me.' See easy." His kid like smile really makes it seem like it's that easy. Like I just have to find him and say that.

"We can't. Fact was nobody was right, nobody was wrong, everyone was right, and everyone was wrong. How do you apologies for that?"

"Easy."

"Don't say it's easy. It's not. Do you know what I want more then to just run? I want to end it. I hate that he was taken from me and I hate even more that because of me and everyone else, he probably hates us. But I just really hate that I love him, the old him, and now I've lost that person and can never have him back. I've seen this new Hiccup and I don't know if I can accept him. I still love him and want to be with him, but not only am I not sure about this new 'true' Hiccup but I also don't want anyone else to have him either. And that's the problem. His heart, soul, and very life; everything that makes him him belongs to that dragon, he is the one I truly truly abhorrence. I want to kill the thief that took my Hiccup, I want to kill this new Hiccup who has taken the place of my Hiccup, and I want to kill the old Hiccup for not trusting me and for leaving me. I just want to end it all, I hate this life that drove us apart and I don't want it. And I don't want anyone else, no human no dragon, nobody to take my Hiccup away anymore."

"So you'll kill him. If you can't have him no one will? He has his own life and will you know."

"And that's why I have to kill him."

"And then what? Keep his body and pretend nothing happened? I'll tell you right now that's messed up, so so very messed up. Is that what's in this house? Is that your end?" He sleeve pointed to the house behind him. The same house he stopped me from going in before.

"Don't you know what's in their?"

"No, I only prowl around it. I just know that no matter what, this is just a plain bad end. The one no one wants."

"Limpleg, I love Hiccup, I don't want to be without him anymore. But there is no happy end for us as we are, and there isn't even a bad end for us either. So I'll end it, that way it will only be just the two of us at last."

My stomach starts to sting, I feel something warm on my face.

'Astrid!'

"I better wake up now Limpleg."

"I'm not done with you. Remember you're not the only one suffering."

"And I want to share that suffering, right to the end."

"Astrid!" Ruff's voice calling out to me finally makes me open my eyes.

I see her sitting next to me her face over mine and tears falling from her onto me. "Oh gods you're alive! Gothi she made it! She's up!"

I can hear the shuffling and cane fall of the village elder coming closer. I see that I'm in Gothi's hut now.

"Oh gods Astrid that was bad! Don't ever do or make me do that ever again. Uha please tell me you're alright."

I can feel the pain from my body, it was horrible and almost unbearable. Just opening my eyes ravaged my body. Every wound made themselves known and I had no choice but to acknowledge them.

And I welcomed them.

"Yeah." My weak voice was raspy, dry, and weak. "How long was I out Ruff?"

"Astrid don't worry about that. Just just try and rest. Here I'll go and"

"Ruff!"

She seemed hesitant to say. "About five days."

I was asleep for five days. That means it's been almost two weeks since Hiccup left. I can't stay here long. I need to catch up, I need to stop Berk from pursuing Hiccup themselves. Because only I can go after him.

"I need my ax. That and the rest of them."

"Uh? Oh! I got your ax here." She lifts it up and shows me the weapon I've used for so many years and never questioned about.

The weapon I made a broken promise with. "Thanks Ruff, that's one."

"Uh one?"

"I need to get the other five. Ruff could you go to my house and"

"Whoa whoa whoa! Astrid you need to slow down. Ok?"

"No! I need to hurry. I need to get the rest and go after him!"

"Astrid, Hiccups gone. Just forget it, it doesn't matter anymore. He's probably on his way to Kalonna by now. You'll never find him or see him again." She says it so solemnly that it's like she was talking like he died.

"No, no I need to go. I finally have his pain and scars. Now I just need to find him."

"Astrid just rest now. Ok we can do whatever later but for now you need to rest. Astrid, I just tortured you. Please please don't make me do it again. Just stop and get better. Please."

Frustrating but she's right I can't really move. Hiccup could still move and escape and I can't get out of bed. It's just frustrating.

I'll get better. I'll get strong enough to leave. I'll find him, I'll see Hiccup again, and I'll watch him, I'll see his life, all of it. And then we can end it together, end this story once and for all.

He said so himself, 'And I'm waiting for you.'

He's waiting for me so I promise, truly and faithfully promise, I will find you again Hiccup. So please wait for me.

So in the end?

Astrid Hoff…. No.

Astrid's life long relationship with Hiccup: This love and this hate of ours is a beautiful balled of the damned. We will be together till death do us part.