"No, Chandler…" Joey sighed, a sad expression crossing his face.
"Really? You're going to take it?" Ross asked.
Rachel looked like she was about to cry.
"When?" she asked quietly. "When do you leave?"
Chandler cleared his throat. He knew it wasn't going to be easy, but he didn't think it would be this hard.
"In two weeks," he said. "The person I'm replacing has already left and…ah…they need a warm body, I guess…"
He knew the LA interviews had gone well, and that he'd clicked with Tom, so he wasn't surprised when Tom called him Friday afternoon to offer him the job. He told him to think about it over the weekend, but Chandler said he didn't need to and immediately accepted - trying to push thoughts of how hard it was going to be to leave Monica out of his mind.
He'd flown home Wednesday night, thinking of nothing but her. He worked through lunch Thursday, picking up the phone a few times to call her, but he couldn't find the courage to dial her number. They hadn't spoken since That Night - the night he'd been beating himself up about - and had replayed over and over in his head throughout his long journey to and from California.
He couldn't get her out of his mind.
But he knew he'd see her tonight - in a group. It was probably better that he saw her with the rest of the gang, he reasoned. They were waiting at the table of Maya Fiesta for Phoebe and Monica to arrive. It had been planned for weeks. It would be the last time all six of them got together before the wedding.
It was supposed to be a joyous celebration - looking happily into the future. Ross and Rachel were a little over a month away from having their baby girl. Monica and Richard were a week away from getting married.
Chandler hadn't wanted to ruin it, but he had decided to tell them. He had to rip it off like a Band-Aid. But the looks on their faces told him it hurt them just as much to hear it as it had to say it, and he wondered if he'd done the right thing in relaying the news now.
And he was dreading the moment Monica would walk in.
Because he just couldn't believe he had let That Night happen.
He knew why he let it happen. He'd wanted her so much there was no chance he could have turned her away. And of course he knew now, God help him, that he loved her. Oh, how he loved her. In true Chandler fashion, he thought, he always fell in love with the wrong woman at the wrong time. Always.
And this was Monica - his best friend Monica. Days away from marrying another man, Monica.
And not only was he in love, they'd made love - twice. And he'd drowned in it, reveled in it, a small voice telling him it would be his only chance.
It had been as close to heaven as he ever thought he could be. Their connection had been unbelievable. He was sure she felt it, too. For a few moments she was his and his world was perfect. Not sustainable, but perfect just the same.
But she was drunk and vulnerable, mad at him for not telling her the whole truth about the job.
And he was drunk and vulnerable, and trying to push her away so it wouldn't hurt so much to go.
How could he have let that happen - to them? To his heart?
He was positive that, in the light of day, Monica was feeling overwhelmed by guilt because he felt it, too. She was engaged to Richard.
Their night, as incredible as it had been, had caused her grief and pain. Why else would she have left while he was asleep?
He'd thrown a huge, gut-wrenching complication into the future she had been building for herself and her soon-to-be husband, and the fact that it had caused her hurt was the worst part for him.
God, it had felt so damn right, but it could not have been more wrong.
"Well, um," Ross finally said, clearing his throat, bringing Chandler back to reality. "To Chandler and new opportunities. We wish you all the best but we're really gonna miss you, man."
Everyone half-heartedly raised a glass to toast. Chandler tried to say "thank you" but his voice caught and he couldn't get the words out. He just nodded to Ross.
Phoebe walked over to the table just as they clinked glasses together.
"What are we celebrating?" she said with a smile. As she scanned her friends' faces her smile faded and she looked at Chandler. "Oh no! You didn't take that job, did you?"
"Yeah, I did," he said, looking down, afraid to meet her eyes.
"No! Oh Chandler…" she said, kneeling down to pull him into a hug. "That makes me so sad. I mean, I'm happy for you, but sad for me - for us."
"Thanks, Pheebs," he whispered, hugging her back.
Phoebe sat down.
"When do you go?" she asked.
"Um…two weeks," he said. "Doug wanted to keep me here longer but they said two weeks."
"You won't be here when Monica and Richard get back from Paris?" Phoebe asked, surprised.
He shook his head. That fact hadn't crossed anyone else's mind except Chandler's. He was actually grateful for the timing. He would have the strength to leave if he didn't have to look in Monica's eyes the moment he was supposed to go. The five friends looked at each other for a moment, unable to speak.
"Oh God, she'll be devastated," Ross said in barely a whisper.
Chandler closed his eyes tight for a moment, letting Ross's words sink in. Devastated. He couldn't take that look from her tonight. All of the emotions at the table were killing him already and he knew he wouldn't be able to hold his back if he told her tonight.
"Guys?" he said. "Could we not tell her tonight? Please? I just…I want this night to be…since we won't be together after…like this…for a while, I…"
Rachel nodded, knowing full well what a fragile state Monica had already been in the last few weeks.
"I think that would be a good idea," she said, the others voicing their agreement. "But, Chandler, you have to be the one to tell her you're leaving."
He nodded, visibly relieved to push back the inevitable, and smiled at Rachel. "I will, I promise."
###
Monica came out of the restroom in the back of the restaurant. She'd spent the last 15 minutes in there trying to calm herself down before going to meet her friends.
Before seeing Chandler.
She watched as Phoebe made her way from the other direction to the table. They were all toasting to something. When they lowered their glasses she could see him clearly and her already pounding heart sped up a little more. Just looking at him made her shiver - their night together came back vividly to her mind.
She didn't know how she was going to make it through dinner, sitting with him. Wanting him.
After her mini-breakdown on Tuesday night Monica swore she was going to pull herself together.
But then Wednesday evening came and she knew Chandler was back in New York.
She tried to distract herself - failing miserably.
She'd put together the seating chart for the reception while thinking of him. She'd picked up her dress with Rachel while thinking of him. She'd packed her bags for Paris while thinking of him.
She picked up a lunch shift at JaVu on Thursday, thinking of him.
And as much as she tried to get over him - to get over That Night - the more he permeated her every thought.
Yes, she had left him in the middle of the night. She'd felt a pang of guilt for cheating on Richard, but she was also confused. Everything she never knew she felt for Chandler came out that night and it had overwhelmed and scared her. What they had done, how passionately they had loved each other, scared her.
It scared her that she didn't want to write it off as a desperate, drunken fling - and how very much she wanted it to happen again.
And over the last few days she had finally admitted to herself that what she was feeling was much, much more than she ever would have imagined.
It wasn't a crush, not at all.
It was a love embedded so deep in her heart she never even knew it was there.
Chandler had always been there for her - quick with a joke or a story that would make her smile - and he never asked her to be anything other than who she was in return. He was her confidant, her cheerleader, her friend, and she was his.
She had no idea when this all-consuming love for him began - but here it was.
Yet here she was, a week away from marrying someone else.
She loved Richard, but she wasn't in love with Richard, not anymore. She didn't know if she honestly ever was.
Monica couldn't recall ever feeling as deeply for him as she was for Chandler.
When she imagined her future with Richard it was…forced.
In those ever-more-frequent moments when she would let her mind fantasize about a future with Chandler, it seemed so easy.
But he'd gone to California, and she'd kept marching toward her wedding day.
And it was so complicated.
She had to talk to him. Tonight.
She took a deep breath and a couple steps toward the table when she saw Phoebe kneel down to hug Chandler, all eyes on them. She stopped and stepped behind an archway, observing the faces of her friends. They were sad. Why were they sad? Chandler was squeezing his eyes closed and the others were looking at him. She stepped closer to the opening, still out of view…
I think that would be a good idea, but Chandler, you have to be the one to tell her you're leaving.
Monica's heart stopped and the blood drained from her face.
He was leaving.
Tears stung her eyes and her hand flew to cover her mouth.
He'd already taken the job.
She gulped for air once, twice, trying to keep her knees from buckling. A waiter came by to inquire about her health. She waved him away.
Her head was spinning.
Chandler was leaving.
She'd imagined it. All of it. She'd let her imagination take over - fantasizing that she could make him stay and love her.
It was just a dream, she thought - just a stupid, romantic fantasy.
The one reality check, the one thought she hadn't let herself think since That Night, was the worst case scenario.
All it really was, was a one-night-stand.
She was mad at him, they'd fought and it had gotten out of control. He was rebounding from Kathy and she'd taken advantage of him and he let her. He didn't turn her away.
But he didn't want to be with her. He had a chance to leave - and he was going to take it.
###
"Where's Monica?" Joey pondered a little too loudly. "I'm starving!"
Hearing Joey's comment, Monica shook herself out of her downward spiral.
She had to put up a front. She had to show she was fine. She'd been pretending for months with Richard. What was the difference now?
She had to act like nothing happened - like her heart hadn't just shattered into a million little bits.
She closed her eyes and put a smile on her face. She walked fast out from behind the wall and around a large row of fake plants, as if she had just come from the other side of the dining room.
"There you are!" she said brightly, her heart pounding in her ears. "I've been looking all over for you guys!"
"We're right here," Rachel smiled at her.
She smiled at everyone, lingering for a moment on Chandler. He gave her a small smile and she looked away. She willed herself to go numb, but her insides were on fire.
"Sorry I'm late," she said, matter-of-factly, picking up a menu as she sat between Ross and Joey. "Shall we order?"
Chandler just stared at her. She seemed so carefree, like nothing had happened between them at all. She gave no inkling that she had been effected by it whatsoever. He didn't know whether to be relieved or pissed.
She didn't seem to feel guilty, but she also didn't seem to care.
The little voice inside his head started to mock him - she's your friend, Bing, nothing more. What on Earth did you think would happen?
He felt heat rise within him, from anger or embarrassment he wasn't certain.
He lifted up his glass and took a big gulp of dry red wine, his heart breaking worse than it had ever been broken before.
So this is what it felt like to be a one-night-stand for Monica - just a fling.
It sucked. Big time.
NOTE: Um, so, yeah, this is some of that "angst" I was talking about way back in the author's note...I told you to buckle in! I hope you'll trust me… ;)
This was another chapter that was a bit of a struggle, but when it came to giving it a title the only one that came to mind was "Wanted You More," one of my faves by American country group Lady Antebellum. It is a few years old, but just kinda fit perfectly. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your reviews! Mondler2014 - thank you so very much…