He tugged on his white dress shirt under his suit jacket and smoothed his tie.
He pushed open the door but found the room was empty.
"Joe?" he called out as he entered Apartment 19.
Chandler had gone to the airport the night before, planning to take the first flight he could to LA. But when he got there all he could picture was Monica's face, and how upset she would be that he left on her wedding day.
He had told her he'd be there.
So instead he'd bought a ticket on the red-eye flight tonight, after the reception. It was tucked away in the breast pocket of his suit jacket.
He didn't know if he was a masochist or just flat-out crazy, but he had to see her marry Richard.
He knew he had to witness it if he had any hope of bringing some closure to his heart.
Chandler had taken a couple steps inside when Joey came flying onto the landing and in the door.
"Dude?!" Chandler said. "Where were you?"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said, out of breath. "GREAT hook-up last night…"
Chandler rolled his eyes. "It starts in just over an hour..."
"I know, I know," Joey said, then added with a grin. "I already showered. Just let me get my suit on."
Joey glanced at his answering machine. The light was blinking. He pushed the button.
"Hey, it's me," Ross's voice said. "Listen, ah, I left Richard and Monica's wedding rings on my nightstand. Can you grab them and bring them when you come? They are in the boxes. Man, I hope you get this message. Um, thanks."
Joey looked at Chandler.
"Dude, can you grab them while I change?"
"Ahh…" Chandler hesitated. The last thing he wanted to do was play any part in this wedding.
"Key's above the fridge," Joey said as he hurried into his room.
Chandler's shoulders slumped, but he reached up and opened the cabinet above the refrigerator and found the key to Apartment 20.
He slowly walked across the hall and took a deep breath as he unlocked and pushed open the door.
He looked straight toward Rachel and Ross's bedroom and walked over, finding the ring boxes right where Ross said they would be on the nightstand.
He almost opened one, but quickly decided against it.
Chandler turned and left the room but as he did so his gaze fell on the kitchen - and a wave of nostalgia hit him like a gale force wind, causing him to stop dead in his tracks.
He could picture the six of them together in that apartment, before his "crystal duck" comment launched Ross and Rachel's relationship - before Richard, or Kathy, entered the picture. Back when Joey was still struggling in one awful play after another and Phoebe was always evaluating their "auras."
In Monica's apartment.
And as he stood there he realized it was in those moments - between Pictionary and poker, late-night talks and lasagna dinners, her string of lousy boyfriends and his disastrous dates - that he'd started to fall in love with her.
Right there - in the place that to him would always be Monica's.
He took a deep breath as he looked out toward the balcony and remembered their kiss a few weeks ago, and he knew it hadn't started then.
It had started long before then.
"Hey man, you got the rings?" Joey said, poking his head in the door.
Chandler quickly cleared his throat.
"Yeah, yeah…"
"OK, let's go," Joey said, heading back into the hallway.
Chandler took one last look around, closed his eyes briefly then followed him out the door.
###
"You look beautiful, Monica," Michelle said as she lightly patted her future step-mother on the shoulder. Phoebe had just finished Monica's hair, and Rachel had applied the last of Monica's makeup. The only item left was her veil, but Monica didn't want to put that on until right before the ceremony.
She gave Michelle a small smile. "Thank you."
Michelle smiled back.
"I'm going to go check on Dad," she said. Monica just nodded as Michelle left the bride's room.
Phoebe eyes darted between Monica and Rachel. She'd never felt less joy at a wedding in her life. The aura around Monica was black as night.
After she and Rachel had packed the last of the makeup bags away, she pulled Rachel to the side of the room as Monica stood to look out a window.
"What is wrong?" she whispered to Rachel, concern written all over her face.
Rachel looked over at Monica and then back at Phoebe. She couldn't speak, but she had tears in her eyes.
"Something definitely is not right with her - what is it?" Phoebe said beginning to move toward Monica. Rachel grabbed her arm.
"Don't," she said in a whisper. "I want to tell you, but I can't tell you, so…just…don't."
"Rachel, she's clearly not happy - what is going on?" Phoebe demanded softly.
Rachel glanced at Monica again, who had stopped looking out the window and was staring at her girlfriends, Phoebe's back was to her. She caught Rachel's eye and shook her head "no."
Rachel swallowed hard and prepared to respond to Phoebe when Monica walked over to them, and took both of their hands.
"I love you," she said, looking at them both and smiling a little. "But I need…I need to be by myself for a little while. Please."
"Monica…" Phoebe started.
"Please, Pheebs," Monica pleaded. "Please…"
Rachel and Phoebe looked at each other. They each hugged Monica as gently as they could, then left the room as Monica walked once again over to the window.
###
Joey and Chandler entered the back of the grand hall at the Morgan-Chase Museum. It was just under an hour before the ceremony was to begin.
Chandler noticed that not one detail was left untouched. The candles were ivory, the roses were red and the lights were dimmed to cast a romantic glow. He saw Monica's touch everywhere and if it was possible he felt his heart break just a bit more. All of a sudden it hit him how real it all was and he didn't know if he could stay. He didn't know if he could watch her marry someone else. He wanted to be happy for her - she had been one of his best friends all his adult life, but he felt nothing but empty.
He patted the plane ticket in his jacket pocket as Ross approached them. He fixed a tight smile to his face and steeled himself for what was sure to be the longest night of his life.
"Hey," Ross said, as Chandler handed the ring boxes over to him. "Thanks." Chandler just nodded.
"Hey," Joey said. "How's Monica doing?"
"I think OK," Ross shrugged. "Rachel and Phoebe are with her now. Mom is checking on some reception details. I just, um, talked to my Dad."
"Is he ready to give his little girl away?" Joey said with a grin, oblivious to the fact that the conversation was making his best friend's stomach churn. Chandler felt like he was truly going to be sick - he looked at the floor.
"I, uh…huh," Ross said, thinking about what his father had just told him. He wanted to believe that Richard and Monica would be happy together, but the feeling that something wasn't right kept nagging at him and now his Dad all but confirmed it.
"I'm not sure," he sighed. "He told me…well, he just told me that Richard said something at the golf course yesterday that made him wonder. He said Richard told him that he wanted to keep Monica busy traveling and living part-time in Arizona so that maybe the grandkid would be enough…or maybe she'd forget about kids all together. Dad said he laughed like he was joking, but…"
Chandler's head shot up and he stared at Ross. What? He wanted to shout. What?!
"No! No one is allowed to be moving anywhere anymore!" Joey whined, shooting a glance at Chandler before turning back to Ross. "I don't want her to move to Arizona."
"Well, she doesn't either…" Ross started.
Chandler didn't hear the rest of the conversation - his heart had started pounding hard as his eyes scanned the room for Richard. It had never, ever crossed his mind that Monica's husband would do anything less than move Heaven and Earth to make her happy, to make her dreams come true - like he would.
Just then Phoebe and Rachel walked over to them.
"How's Monica?" Ross said, noting the concern on his wife's face.
"She's…um," Rachel started, shooting an imploring glance at Chandler.
And for the first time she saw the same heartbreak in his eyes as she saw in Monica's, and her eyes never left his.
"She…she said she wanted to be alone for a while, " she said directly to Chandler.
Suddenly there was a crash on the other side of the room as one of the florists accidently dropped a glass vase full of red roses onto the marble floor. Everyone's head turned in the direction of the sound.
"Whoa, Mon's not going to be happy about that," Joey said, with a light chuckle before turning back to the group. "Hey, where's Chandler?"
Rachel slowly let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. Then she said a silent prayer.
Chandler was nowhere in sight.
###
Monica looked out the small octagon window in the back of the bride's room and touched her fingers to her lips. As she had a hundred times before, she replayed the first moment his lips touched hers over and over again in her mind, burning it into her brain. She remembered how she felt when he touched her, how she shook when he caressed her body with his, how searing and desperate and right their passion felt.
When she closed her blue eyes she pictured his boring into her own. She willed the tears not to come, again, but she wanted to remember. She needed to never forget. She needed to have those feelings stay strong to get her through…the rest of her life.
She felt like a runaway train barreling toward some unknown destination where she had no choice but to ultimately end up. And that, coupled with Chandler's decision to leave, would make any fantasy she ever had of him remain just that - a fantasy.
She knew that and lamented it.
She lamented the timing. If only she'd realized it before - before Richard, before Kathy, she thought. If she'd understood he was always her other half…always. Maybe everything would have been different.
She wanted to summon the courage to walk away now, but she felt she didn't have the strength. She felt completely defeated for the first time in her life. She was in control of every detail of this day, every aspect, except her heart and the man who owned it. She held out hope that he would at least still be her friend, but knew going forward it might be impossible for him…and for her.
Maybe it was a blessing that he got the job in California.
She shook her head, as if to banish her last thought from her mind. But it didn't change the facts. Here she was, in her wedding gown, moments from pledging her life to one person, and she was aching for another - craving him in a way she never knew was possible.
She opened her eyes once more and looked out as the sunset bounced off the building next door.
What a metaphor for her life, she thought. Today should be a new beginning and it felt like the end.
Monica took a deep breath and told herself, again, to see it through - to "get over it" and get ready to say "I do."
Richard was a good man, and she knew he loved her, but she knew that he wasn't the right man.
It was too late to be with the right man. It was time to forget whatever might have been.
It was time to let him go.
"Goodbye, Chandler…" she whispered to the sunset, as her tears finally fell.
CRASH…
Hearing the commotion brought Monica back to reality as she jerked her head toward the direction of the sound. She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes and decided she would investigate the problem, even though she was supposed to stay in the room until the ceremony began.
She lifted the skirt of her dress up slightly off the floor and turned to walk out the door.
Then she stopped and gasped his name.
"Chandler…"
NOTE: Dah, dah, dum! ;) The scene where Chandler gets nostalgic looking at the kitchen in Apartment 20 is my own little nod to all the pre-Mondler moments of the series that we all love so dearly. I truly appreciate all of the reviews for each chapter of this story, from guests and very loyal readers who have stuck with this all the way through. I'm astounded, actually. "Thank you" seems very inadequate…