"I thought you hated me…or you were mad at me…or blamed me…or—"
"I could never hate you, Felicity," Oliver told him matter of factly. "I may get mad at you from time to time…but never enough to hate you…" His voice was very quiet. "I don't blame you for Laurel—"
"You shouldn't blame yourself, either," Felicity responded quickly.
"Felicity—"
She was quiet, but she was thoughtful. "I don't blame you, Oliver," she told him. Felicity walked over to where he stood by the window. They were in the room that Thea had declared the nursery the night before. Felicity was fairly sure that Oliver's sister was out buying everything in the world for decorating a girl's nursery. "Laurel didn't either… So, you should stop blaming yourself."
"I think it's easier said than done," Oliver told her honestly as he glanced to the side to look at her.
Felicity smiled at him. It was odd seeing him again after all of those months. Everything, really, was almost surreal…she felt like she was in a dream… She appreciated the fact that she wasn't in the hospital, but she hated being across the hall from Lucy. Felicity knew things were going to change, though, and that scared her… Today, though, she was focusing on them being safe. She knew that she had to be thankful for that.
"I know what you mean," she whispered.
Oliver turned his body towards her and fully looked at her. "You don't blame yourself, do you?"
"I did," she admitted. "At first…"
"It's not—"
"I know," she said as she put a hand up. "But I am trying really hard not to spiral into some kind of depression or panic…" Felicity hated to hold things inside. She believed in being truthful, even if it oftentimes just spilled right out. It wasn't healthy to keep things inside.
He just stared at her.
She was sure that he hadn't expected her to say that. She should be overjoyed by being safe and home and with the people who care about her. She should be happy that the baby she'd cared for was reunited with her family and actually had a name. Felicity knew that she didn't have to worry about what Lance might do to her, though she did still worry about him. It wasn't that. It was the future and the unknown and how things would have to change. She wasn't ready for that change.
"I was held captive for months… I had to pretend that I was Sara Lance… I had to keep it together all of those months… For myself, for Laurel, for Lucy…" Tears fell down her face as she stared at him. Her voice broke here and there as she spoke. "We knew you would come… We did…" She paused and tried to breathe. "Things have to go forward now and I'm terrified of where that leaves me…"
"What do you mean?" he asked as he reached out and rested a hand on her arm.
Felicity closed her eyes for a moment as she sucked in breath. She opened them again and she could tell that he was so worried about her. "What about Lucy?"
"What do you mean?"
"Is she staying here? Are you going to take care of her?" she asked quickly and then paused. "Will I be able to see her?" That's really what broke her heart. The idea that things might drastically change…
"Felicity… I'm not going to keep you from her… And as for the rest, I just don't know yet… I figured that we could figure that out…"
He and Laurel had both said that she was Lucy's mother, but ever since they'd gotten to the Queen Mansion, she hadn't felt like that. She understood that Moira and Thea were excited to welcome a new member of their family and to probably have Oliver back to a non-moody state, but she was used to being the sole caregiver of Lucy.
"I just… I have so many questions…so many worries about what's going to happen…what's coming next," Felicity blurted out.
His other hand came up and his hands held her upper arms and he just stared at her. "I don't want you to worry… I want you to talk to me… We'll figure everything out, Felicity… I don't want you so upset about things that haven't even been decided yet."
There was a knock at the door and they both looked over right as it was opening. It was the nursery, so it wasn't like there needed to be privacy. Moira Queen seemed a little confused to find them both there.
"I didn't realize that anyone was in here," Moira said. "I was just checking on my Lucy…"
Oliver just smiled. "Felicity just put her down a ten minutes ago."
"I see…"
"I should go," Felicity said suddenly. She felt so awkward in the mansion and especially around Moira. Thea she could handle. Thea was a ball of happy energy. Felicity had actually been shocked when Thea had hugged her when they'd come home earlier that day, but it hadn't been a bad shock. She moved away from Oliver and towards the door.
"I thought we were going to talk more?" Oliver questioned.
Felicity moved past Moira and stopped at the door, she just smiled at him. "We can, later… I'm going to go find Digg… Give you two some space…"
She left before he could argue and it was hard for her. The distance probably hurt the most for her. It stabbed at her heart and she had trouble feeling like she could breathe. Felicity felt like she was always in this state of panic since she'd been separated from Lucy. She knew that she needed to try to get past it though. The Queens were Lucy's family, not her.
"Where are you going?"
She stopped and turned to see Digg. She'd passed right by him. "I was—"
"You okay?"
Felicity shook her head. There was really no use in lying to him. She could hide things from Oliver a little easier if she wanted, but never from him. John Diggle could see right through all of them. It was only worse now because the three of them had become so close. "I—I was just looking for you…"
"Let's take a walk," he suggested as he held out an arm and then pulled her to him. He walked them out of the mansion and out onto the grass out back. It seemed that he knew his way a lot better than she did, but then Diggle spent far more time everywhere that Oliver went than she did. "This is about Lucy, isn't it?"
"It's hard for me to be apart from her," she admitted.
"I know."
"And I don't know where I'm going to be tonight or tomorrow…or anytime after that…" she went on. "Do I still have an apartment? I think my lease was already up! Do I have a job? Do I have to worry about hospital bills? Do I still have a place at the Foundry with you guys? Do—"
Diggle stopped her and turned her to face him, his hands on her shoulders, much like she'd just been with Oliver. "You're going to be with us… Tonight and tomorrow I think you should stay here…even if it makes you uncomfortable… I'll be close by if you need me, you know that…" He paused. "As for everything else… Oliver and I boxed up everything in your apartment. Oliver has it all in storage, he didn't know what else to do with it. As for Queen Consolidated, Oliver has had temps this whole time… I think it's driven his mother and Isabel crazy… But all three of them always find flaws with each one… None of them were you, Felicity. And I wouldn't worry about the hospital bills, I think Oliver's taken care of everything…"
Felicity at least knew a few more answers to her questions than she had before. Diggle had a good way of calming her down and reminding her that she wasn't alone. She had a family with him and Oliver. She didn't have to worry about everything on her own because between the three of them, they'd work it out. Felicity just finally nodded and looked down. She really didn't know what to say. It was just good to hear those things from him. Good to know that the world wasn't crumbling around her.
"Let's keep walking," he said a moment later with a smile and wrapped his arm around her once again before they headed off away from the house.
"You have no idea how much I missed being outside," she whispered after they walked for a few minutes.
"I can imagine…"
"At least I wasn't alone," she whispered as she looked over at him.
"It still had to be hard," Diggle told her.
Felicity was quiet as they walked. It really was nice to have the time with Diggle and though she kept thinking about Lucy, she tried not to dwell on the fact that she was so far away from her right now. "It was easier when Laurel was there," she admitted. "But like I said, we knew you'd both come…well, I knew that you'd both come…"
"We look—"
"I know," she said as she stopped and turned to him. "I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Oliver. I don't blame you. I knew you'd come. I know you both tried… Lance didn't even take us out. He locked us up and didn't let us out… It wasn't like that helped with clues…"
"I still wish things had gone differently."
Felicity just tried to smile for him. "I know…me too… I just keep telling myself that I can't keep thinking about the past… Have to think about the future…"
"Which is why you're having a hard time coping with not knowing…" Diggle said as he nodded. She could tell that he was getting it. She appreciated him understanding that. Even if no one else understood, Diggle always did, which made her life a bit easier.
"Yes."
This time, Felicity turned on her own and started to walk again. She hadn't planned what she'd do when she got to finally leave that room… All she'd thought about was seeing them again… About trying to help Oliver be a father to the baby she'd cared for. That was it. Okay, so maybe she'd expected some things…mainly Oliver's arms around her…and going back to her job and her life working on Team Arrow. It was all fairly simple stuff.
"You know, things are going to be okay… We will figure everything out…"
"I know," she said all too cheerily.
. . .
The truth was, no matter how she tried to keep herself from spiraling out of control…she felt it inside of her. Things weren't right. Felicity felt like she was probably making it all more difficult on herself. She couldn't sleep. It was her second night in the house and she just couldn't sleep. Felicity had cried for some time, both out of general upset and out of frustration, and then finally got herself up and out of bed. She had a baby monitor in her room, but Lucy had been sleeping fairly well.
So, instead of checking on Lucy, she walked through the house. She hoped that it would make her tired. That she'd maybe be able to actually sleep… The kind of sleep that she hadn't had in months… Okay, so Felicity was fairly sure that wasn't going to happen any time soon.
She stopped when she heard the TV going. She hadn't expected to run into anyone in the house. Though maybe it was Diggle? He was staying at the house and he was security… She wouldn't be surprised… So, she slowly approached the room, looking for who was still up…
"Felicity?"
Oliver.
Felicity hadn't expected him to be there. It made sense, she supposed, but why didn't she think that? A moment later, she saw him sitting there on the couch. He was getting to his feet and it was then that she noticed that he had the baby monitor with him. She wondered if he was really just as worried about Lucy as she was. It brought a smile to her face immediately.
"Can't sleep?"
"No," she admitted as she walked towards him.
The lighting must have betrayed her because she hadn't expected what he asked. "Were you crying?" He sounded so concerned and worried.
Felicity couldn't lie to him about this.
"Yes."
"I—" he said and then stopped. His mouth hung open for a moment and then he closed it. He seemed to be thinking about what he was going to say next. "Diggle spoke to me after dinner…"
Oh God. Felicity started to panic slightly. She hadn't thought that Diggle would tell Oliver about everything that they'd discussed, but sometimes Diggle did what he thought was best for both of them.
"Oliver, whatever Digg said—" she started, but he interrupted her.
Oliver held up a hand and then spoke. "Diggle said that he thought that we needed to figure things out… The three of us. He's right. We do. I had just wanted to give you time to settle back in… I didn't want to rush you…" He was quiet for a moment. "I didn't want to push you back in if that wasn't what you wanted anymore…I would understand if you didn't."
"I want things back to the way they used to be," Felicity admitted. "Well, mostly…" She looked away for a moment.
"Mostly?"
She could feel the blush rise in her cheeks. Why did she have to be so damn honest with him? He knew how she felt, or at least she thought that he did. This, she wasn't going to spell out for him right now. Either he knew or he didn't. That was it. "I just…I…" Felicity stopped and looked up at him again. "You know…you owe me…a hug…" She held out her arms for him.
He didn't even blink. He just took her into his arms. She rested her head against his chest. His arms wrapped around her. It was like instant comfort. How she'd wanted these arms around her for so long. She wrapped her arms around him in turn and clung to him. Felicity had dreamt of this here and there, on those nights where she'd thought the world was going to crumble down on her…only to wake to the sounds of Lance screaming at God only knew what.
Out of nowhere, the tears fell, and she clung to him even more.
Felicity's sobs filled her own ears. She'd been crying since the hospital, but it was like the first time that she knew that it was all real. It was the first time that she actually really got to be alone with Oliver…that they'd both had time to really absorb everything…and she'd just needed him.
"You're safe," he whispered.
She knew.
That was the one thing that she knew right now. She was safe. Felicity had wanted this for so long…and at first, she thought it would never happen. But here they were…and she was crying her eyes out. She probably looked ridiculous. Felicity finally released him and took a couple of steps back, her gaze still downward as she wiped at her eyes.
"Hey," he whispered and he stepped towards her and reached out, his hand cupped her cheek.
Felicity looked up at him slightly. He looked concerned and that was it. He didn't seem to pity her. She wished that things could be simpler right now, but they just weren't. She sniffled and took in a breath. "I…"
"Do you remember when I told you that I didn't think it was a good idea to be with someone that I could actually care about?" he asked.
Felicity remembered. Her heart had practically broken when he'd told her that…after the whole Isabel walking out of his room with her dress unzipped fiasco… "I told you that I thought you deserved someone better."
"You were right," Oliver told her. He moved closer to her still. A hand moved through her hair. "And I thought I'd lost her before I had the chance to tell her… I was afraid… Afraid of what might happen if I got too close…if I loved someone…"
She just stared at him and was hyper aware of exactly how close he was. "I think she should have a choice in that…"
He was staring right into her eyes and he seemed even closer, if that was possible, without their bodies touching. "It took me a long time to finally decide that you're right…she should…" He was quiet for a moment. "After we found Laurel, I was afraid to keep looking… The police declared you and the baby dead too… I didn't want to remember you like that… So, maybe I didn't look as hard as I could have—"
"Diggle said that you both looked for me…and you found me, Oliver…not the police," Felicity told him. She knew that he hadn't stopped looking for her because he and Diggle had been the ones to find them. "I've always told you that I had a choice in things, Oliver…even if I didn't have a choice when it came to what Lance put me through…I would have gone voluntarily just so Laurel wouldn't have had to be alone if I had known what would happen…"
They just stared at each other in silence for a while. Felicity was soaking in the words he'd said and those she'd said. It was all the truth, though. All she could think was: where did this leave them? The future was something that she was worried about still, so that made this even more of a hot button topic.
"I want you to stay here…in the Queen Mansion," Oliver suddenly spoke up quietly.
She thought about it for a moment. She really wasn't sure how she felt about that. "I should go apartment hunting…" she said quietly.
"You don't have to."
"As much as I would love to stay here close to you, I don't think other people would approve in this house…" she whispered. Okay, so mostly Felicity was thinking about Moira Queen.
"It doesn't matter—"
"This is their house too, Oliver," she said gently when he seemed to get worked up. Moving into her own place scared her though because that meant leaving behind Lucy. She didn't feel like she'd be able to follow through with what she'd promised with Laurel if she was so far away, but at the same time she didn't think she could stay in the mansion under the irritated eye of Moira Queen. Felicity didn't quite know why Moira disliked her so much, but she did… That was clear… Maybe it was because she didn't feel like Felicity was good enough for Oliver or maybe it was because she didn't like how closely she'd bonded with Lucy.
"Felicity, please…please stay…"
With Oliver, he was definitely sleeping under his parents' roof, but then at the same time…it was a little different when it was the mansion. It was so large and they seemed to all live there fine, though it wasn't like Thea and Roy were married. Felicity was sure that Thea spent plenty of time at Roy's place instead of sleeping at the mansion. She just couldn't see it working.
"I'll stay another day or so," she promised. "You should have time without me here as a distraction…"
"Felicity…you're the good kind of distraction…"
She blushed, but looked down at the floor. "You should be bonding with Lucy…and I'm not helping with that…"
"You're the one who's taken care of Lucy since she was born. You're the perfect person to be here to help me learn what I need to…make sure I'm not screwing it all up…"
Felicity looked back up at him. "I saw you with her, you're not going to screw anything up…"
"I could put the diaper on backwards."
She smiled at that. "I think that's happened to everyone once at least…"
"Stay," he begged. "You don't have to distance yourself from us…"
"I wish you were right," she whispered and tried to hold back the tears. "But I'm not her mother… She's not mine… And I think my being here and still thinking that is making things more difficult with your—"
"Don't worry about my mother," Oliver interrupted.
He knew.
He'd seen it.
She didn't know if that made a difference though. She didn't want to make problems between him and his mother. That was the last thing that she wanted. "She's your mother, Oliver…"
"She doesn't understand our relationship," Oliver said. "Which is my fault… There are too many secrets…"
"I know they're not easy for you to keep from them," she whispered.
"But if you're right, if I do deserve to be happy with someone I know I can really love," he said. "Then, she'll have to accept us… Accept things how they are…"
Felicity stared at him. "What are you proposing?" she barely whispered.
"I'm not proposing anything…nothing more than being honest…as honest as I can be with the world," Oliver told her. "With you." A hand ran through her loose hair and another was on her cheek again, his thumb brushing against it. He leaned in and his lips caressed hers. For a moment, that was all, but then she was kissing him back with fervor. "Please…" he whispered against her lips when they finally parted to breathe.
That kiss, she felt, had been a long time coming…for both of them. Her hands ran along the sides of his face as she smiled against his lips. "You should ask more often like that…" she breathed.
He smiled and leaned his forehead against hers. "Does that mean 'yes'?" he asked. "You'll stay?"
"As long as it doesn't cause a rift with your family."
"Not going to happen," he said quickly as he pulled her into his arms. "And it's really not about them… It's about us…and Lucy…"
As if on queue, Lucy's cries echoed out of the baby monitor. They both turned towards it and then immediately started to move. Oliver snatched up the baby monitor and they both headed back in the direction of the nursery.
Felicity just hoped that this worked. For all of them.
. . .
TBC…