Wednesday June 28th 2012
It's ruined. It's all ruined.
We got to talking and Blaine was totally different today. He said what we did was a mistake…He wants to pretend like it didn't happen. Which is not what I want. I agreed though because I can't imagine a life without him.
I said it didn't mean anything and that I was okay. I was fine with that, too. Really. I know yesterday I said it was beautiful and great, which it was, but if he wants to just be friends I'm okay with that too. I just went on trying to talk to Blaine like we had the day before but he wasn't really responding. We texted a bit in the morning and that's when he said that he was freaking out. He looked at my snap-chats but I didn't really get much from him the rest of the day.
Then he said that he had told his friend Jeff about what had happened and how confused he was. I was kinda hurt he talked to Jeff instead of me, but whatever I guess. It'll be kinda awkward when we're with Jeff now but okay. He said it's okay if I was mad at him for telling Jeff, but I wasn't. I told Mercedes after all, without telling Blaine. But Mercedes isn't really friends with Blaine so it's a little different.
Blaine said that he was confused and emotionally distraught because of impending college in 2 months and because he just broke up with his long-term girlfriend a month ago. (Blaine is bi, by the way, journal.)
Now he said that he wants to just go back to normal, but I've been trying! He hasn't! We've barely talked the past 2 days. We were talking so much before the stupid kiss happened, and now we're not normal at all. I don't really know what our normal would be, because when he was with his girlfriend during the school year we didn't talk as much. But then summer came along and we spent a lot of time together. I don't know which would be our normal, because I feel like we were only spending so much time together because he maybe had a crush on me.
After we kissed he said that he'd just gotten out of a relationship so he wasn't really looking for one right now, and I said okay. I don't remember what else I said. I didn't really expect Blaine to want to be in a relationship with me, because our colleges are a half hour away so that'd be kinda difficult.
This is the first time anyone's shown any interest in me, so I'm interested. I think? I don't know if I can see Blaine and I dating. I remember a while ago Blaine said on his blog that he wanted to marry a girl and have his own kids and a dog and stuff. But now I don't know what he'd want in the future.
I don't know what I'd want in the future now, either.
I'd always thought I'd marry some guy and live in NYC until I'm ready to start a family & move to somewhere in Washington or Oregon.
I never imagined I'd be contemplating the rest of me life over one stupid kiss.
I hate this.
Why did I have to kiss my best friend? Why did I ruin such a great thing we had?