((I DON'T OWN ANY OF THE DIALOGUE IN THE FLASHBACK. It's from Touched. And it has a moment of language in it. Before you complain, it is taken DIRECTLY from the Ep, no ad-libbing))
Willow watches me but I pretend not to notice. Looking around, I can almost see why Angel liked this place. It screams him, somehow. But this place could never feel like home to me. With a sigh, I turn to Willow.
"I don't think we're going to find anything useful. It might be better if we wait for the girls to get here and return to the Wolfram and Hart ruins." Willow nods in agreement.
"I think you're right. Until we have more hands to help, we're not getting anywhere." We decide to head back to the hotel. The teams of Slayers should be here tonight. Meanwhile, I feel overcome by a severe case of jet-lag.
As soon as we get to the hotel, I crash. I fall into a dreamless sleep, which is actually a blessing. At least it's not the terrible nightmares I've been having lately, or the weird Spike hallucinations. It's late in the afternoon when Willow comes to wake me up.
"Buff. The girls are about to land. I thought you'd want to go back to the ruins as soon as possible." I sit up.
"Thanks, Will. Give me just a minute, and I'll be ready." Willow nods and leaves the room. I stand up and change clothes quickly. I head downstairs to meet Willow. We head back to the airport to meet the teams of Slayers.
"Is Andrew's team coming?" I ask her curiously. Willow nods.
"Giles figured he would be a very good asset here, since he brought Dana back from LA after..." Willow pauses making me slightly suspicious, but she continues before I can ask: "After what happened with her and all. His team has been trying to keep the Roman branch of Wolfram and Hart at bay since everything went down out here." I nod.
"How soon do we have, you think, until Wolfram and Hart regroups?" Willow shrugs.
"Days? Maybe weeks? We're talking about an evil multimillion dollar corporation with a virtually infinite bank account. The fact that they haven't already gathered for an attack is quite surprising." I sigh.
"Okay, so not only do we have to worry about whatever is going on here, but we have to worry about the demonic law firm regrouping and coming after us." She nods.
We wait for the flight to get in. I wonder if any of the girls from the battle in Sunnydale would be coming. Of course, that thought stirs memories of Spike, specifically of his sacrifice. I close my eyes and give in to the wave of emotions and memories.
I had been kicked out of the house. Truthfully, I saw their point. I didn't agree with it, but I saw it. And maybe they were right, a small voice in my head kept saying.
I kicked an old man out of his house, something I would later hate myself for. I hadn't been alone in the house long when the knocks came. I ignored them, but then Spike came in anyway. Out of everyone who might have come to find me, he was the one I probably needed most, though I never would have admitted that then.
"There you are. Do you realize I could just walk in here? No invite needed. This town really is theirs now. I heard. I was over there. That bitch!" He sighed. "She's all about the smiles and reformation when you're on your feet, but the moment you're down, she's all about the kicking. Isn't that right? Makes me want-" I interrupted him.
"It wasn't just Faith. It was all of them. And it's not like they were wrong." I looked at him for just a moment before looking away again. "Please leave."
"No. This'll change your tune. I came here 'cause I've got something to tell you." He put an added emphasis on the next three words. "You were right. Caleb is trying to protect something from you. And I think you were spot-on all the way. I think it's at the vineyard. So? You were right. Buffy?"
I spoke in a very soft voice. "I don't feel very right." Spike moved a little closer to me.
"You're not foolin' me." I looked at him.
"What do you even mean?"
"Well, you're not a quitter."
"Watch me." I looked away again.
"You were their leader." He said, adamantly. "And you still are. This isn't something you gave up. It's something they took" Again, I look at him.
"And the difference is?"
"We can take it back" I sat up.
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"You mean no as in, 'eventually'?" Spike pushed.
"You really have problems with that word, don't you?"
"You can get them back!" He insisted, ignoring my jibe.
"Can? Maybe. Should?" I sniffled and covered my face. "I'm just so tired."
"They need you!" I looked up at him again.
"Well, I-" He interrupted.
"It's bloody chaos over there without you!"
"It is?"
"Yeah! Yeah." Even I can tell his tone is forced. "It's uh-there's junk. You know, food cartons. Sleeping bags not rolled up. Everyone's very scared and, uh, unkempt."
"Sounds dire." He sat down beside me on the bed.
"I didn't see a lot. I came, hit Faith a bunch of times, and left." I looked at him, a bit shocked.
"Really? I mean, not that I'm glad, but-"
"You say the word, and she's a footnote in history. I'll make it look like a painful accident." In that moment, I knew he'd do it. I also knew I'd never ask him to. As tempting as it would be at times.
"That's my problem. I say the word, some girl dies. Every time."
"There's always casualties in war."
"Casualties in-it just sounds so...casual. These are...girls. That I got killed. I cut myself off from them. All of them. I knew I was gonna lose some of them, and...I didn't-"I sighed and stood up, moving away from the bed before turning to face him. "You know what? I'm still making excuses. I've always cut myself off. I've always-" Again, I sighed. "Being the Slayer made me different. But it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me. And I just...slip away." I scoffed. "You should know."
"I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting."
"Oh please. We were never close. You just wanted me because I was...unattainable." He glared up at me and stood up.
"You think that's all that was?
"Please, let's not go over the past." I sat back down.
"Oh, no, no! Oh, let's hold on here! I've hummed along to your pity ditty. I think I should have the mic for a bit."
"Fine. The stage is yours. Cheer me up."
"You're insufferable."
"Thank you. That really helped."
"I'm not tryin' to cheer you up."
"Then what are you trying to say?"
"I don't know! I'll know when I'm done sayin' it. Something pissed me off, and I just—'unattainable', that's it.
"Fine. I'm attainable. I'm a- I'm an 'attain-a-thon.' May I please just go to sleep?" Spike knelt down in front of me.
"You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. Don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood... which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred-plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You..." He started to touch my face but hesitated, his fingers inches from my skin. "Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say I love you, it's not because I want you, or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are. What you do. How you try. I've seen your kindness, and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand, with perfect clarity, exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the One, Buffy." In that moment, I knew. Not only that his feelings for me were purer than I had ever realized before, but also that I had feelings of my own for him. That the feelings I had pushed away and denied for so long were there. And they were much deeper than I had ever imagined.
"I don't want to be the One."
"I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear." I chuckled and moved to lie down. Spike stood up again. "You get some rest now. I'll check in before first light. You can decide how you want."
"Spike." He turned to look at me from the door. "Could you...Stay here?" He looked shocked, speechless by my question for a moment, then looked at the chair in the room.
"Sure. That diabolical old torture device, the comfy chair." He took off his jacket. "It'll do me fine."
"No. I mean...here." I moved to make room for him on the bed. "Will you just hold me?" He joined me, wrapping an arm around me and I felt safer and happier than I had for a very long time.
Willow shakes me out of my reverie. "Buff? Are you all right? You got all distant and completely tuned me out."
"Sorry Will. I just sort of got lost in my own head. I'm all good now. Promise."
"Good, because the girls just landed." Willow points to the doors. Several girls come out of them. Willow and I move to meet them.