Richelle Mead owns the VA and Bloodlines series.

Happy Holidays everyone! Hope you have a good New Year! Have you all read my latest one shot? It's an AH story for anyone who's into that. If you haven't checked it out yet, I hope you will. And if you haven't checked out my collection of one shots (Sydrian One Shots) I hope you do and that you enjoy them :)

I wished I was drunk.

It was that time of day, dream walking time, so I'd had to sober up a bit to get control over spirit. I needed spirit to connect with Sydney—or try, at least. But spirit was acting up today and all I really wanted was a nice stiff drink to take the edge off the darkness swirling around inside my head.

Instead I sank down to my bed and pulled the purple piece of fabric out of my bottom drawer the way I did every night. I held it against my face and inhaled deeply. The shirt I'd made for her still smelled like Sydney and it relaxed me. But even as the traces of her scent made me feel better, panic rippled through me at the thought that it was fainter than it was yesterday. How much longer would I be able to smell her perfume on it? How much longer after that before I started to forget the way the light reflected the amber glints in her eyes?

I balled her shirt up in my hand and leaned back against the mattress, wanting nothing more than to drink those thoughts into oblivion. But I had business to take care of still. No matter how hopeless, I still had to try.

You do try, said a voice that sounded suspiciously like Sydney. You can't do more than try.

I squeezed my eyes tighter. It wasn't the first time I'd heard her voice in my head over the past two months, but it was the first time she'd said something directly to me. Usually it was just a memory of something she'd said, sometimes it was something I thought she'd say if she were here. But this was her voice... talking to me.

"Trying isn't enough. It won't bring you back."

Maybe not, she said, but it means something. Everyone else has given up.

"I won't give up," I whispered, my eyes still shut tight. I couldn't bring myself to open them. I was afraid she'd be there if I did. But I was even more afraid she wouldn't be there. I knew if she was there it'd be a delusion, a hallucination. A sign that spirit was finally taking over my mind completely. But if a delusion gave me one more glimpse of Sydney, I couldn't bring myself to care.

I could picture her beautiful smiling face, those eyes that made my heart beat faster whenever they looked at me, her gorgeous body and the way it felt pressed up against me. But, just like with her scent on the shirt, how much longer would those memories last? A year, two, maybe five? I'd forget things about her eventually. I'd forget the sound of her voice, or the way her arms would tighten around me when I kissed her. Eventually she'd be nothing more than a dream, a girl I fantasized about more than remembered. Maybe one day I'd wake up and realize I'd made her up entirely.

That's the thing I was most afraid of. That one day I'd forget all of the real things about her and spirit would make up new ones for me to fixate on. That she really would be gone from me.

When I finally opened my eyes she wasn't there, just the wall of my childhood bedroom—full of old sketches and posters of bikini models. She didn't speak to me anymore either, even after I used a good amount of spirit to check in on her in dreams. The same black wall that always blocked me was there.

The dream walking never worked. Ever. The black wall was always there, either that or Sydney was just off the grid entirely and I couldn't find her at all. But I couldn't give up, just like I'd told spirit-induced Sydney.

A few hours later I woke up and rolled out of bed. No one wanted much from me these days and there was no one I wanted to spend my time with, so I took my sweet time getting up. I needed to wash my hair and shower, so I did, but it did nothing for my exhausted appearance. I looked like a train wreck and I didn't care.

Dad was gone by the time I went downstairs—thank god. He wasn't thrilled with me being home. He didn't mind my being here as much as he didn't like the way I raided the liquor cabinet and came and went at all hours of the day. To him I must have appeared as the same old good-for-nothing Adrian he'd always known. He didn't care that I was in obvious distress. He didn't care about me, period. If he did he might have asked why I was so upset, maybe he might have even helped me in my mission to find Sydney. But he avoided me just as much as I avoided him. He'd never help me find the human girl I loved, because Sydney would never meet his standards. He'd tell me I was better off. I couldn't take that right now, not without trying to strangle him, at least. So avoidance was key for both of us.

But avoidance wasn't a solid plan for all of the people in my life. Some of them did care enough to ask what was wrong. But none of them—well, aside from one or two—actually wanted to hear it.

Rose caught up to me as I came back to my Dad's townhouse that night after a day fueled with vodka.

"Adrian! Wait up, would you?" She jogged up as I turned up the steps to the front door. "Your gargantuan legs are bigger than mine."

"Gargantuan?" I smirked, still feeling the buzz of the vodka. "I think you have me confused with Belikov, little dhampir."

She grinned. "Alright, gargantuan might be better suited to Dimitri, but don't sell yourself short. You're fairly tall yourself. At least, compared to me."

"You, better than anyone, know that size doesn't matter. You're proof of that," I joked, but really all I wanted was to go inside and lie down for a while. Drinking made spirit calm and gave me a decent buzz, but my head was starting to pound and I felt a little tired.

"It's true," she said, looking pleased with herself. Then her expression turned serious. "You don't look so good. We should go inside."

"I'm fine," I told her, but I did feel a little queasy suddenly, so I unlocked the front door and led her inside to the living room.

Before my mom had gone away to prison she'd had the whole downstairs of the house redecorated. Everything was shades of gray and blue. Very modern and expensive looking, but not very inviting. Still, Rose made herself at home on the sofa.

"I wanted to talk to you," she said, looking at me like you would a crazy person. I felt crazy. I probably was crazy. "I know you're having a hard time with this transition back to Court, but this," she gestured to my bedraggled appearance, "is getting out of hand." She sighed and her expression crumbled, just a little. "Adrian, I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't care."

"So suddenly you care about me," I snapped. I didn't really mean to, but the pity in her eyes was annoying me. I didn't want pity, I wanted someone to... to give me Sydney back.

"I've always cared about you, Adrian," she said softly. "And seeing you like this... You were doing so well. You'd quit smoking—"

"I didn't start that up again," I interjected, as if that one thing could make up for the rest of my behavior.

"You'd quit drinking," she went on, ignoring me. "You were back in school. You were happy. I want to see you get back to that. We all do: me, Lissa, Sonya. We're worried about you. We're worried about spirit."

I shook my head, knowing where she was going with this. "I already told Sonya, I can't go back on the pills. I need spirit too much. Especially now, with Sydney missing."

"Adrian, please," she pleaded. "I know you're worried about Sydney, but you can't keep using spirit while you're like this."

"What? Did they send you with a bottle of mood stabilizers to ram down my throat?"

"No," she said quietly. "Just to try to convince you to take care of yourself."

I sank down into a wingback chair, my head falling into my hands. It wasn't that I didn't know how out of hand spirit was getting, it was that I couldn't stop using it. I couldn't give up. I couldn't stop trying.

"Look, Adrian, I know how you feel. Sydney's my friend too and if there was anything I could do to get in touch with her—"

I whipped my head up so fast she flinched back in surprise. "No, you don't know. You don't know anything about the way I feel. Or what's happening to her right now. Because if you did you'd be the first one out there kicking some Alchemist ass trying to rescue her! Damn it, Rose! Why won't anyone listen to me? I'm not just throwing a temper tantrum because I don't like change or don't want to be back at Court or whatever it is you think I'm doing! I'm trying to be the person I'm meant to be. I'm trying to be the person Sydney thought I was. I'm trying to save her because if you knew anything about her you'd know she wants to be saved from whatever those psychopaths are doing to her."

Rose looked away from me. I knew I probably looked terrible, my hair sticking up at awkward angles and my eyes blazing and red from lack of sleep, but I didn't think that was the reason she couldn't look me in the eye. I was pretty sure it was because she knew I was right.

"I'm sorry. You're right," she said softly. "You guys had more contact with Sydney than I did. If something was going on with her you'd know more about it than me. And I know you're not just throwing a tantrum, Adrian. You and Eddie and Jill are all desperate to find her, but there's nothing we can do. We can't demand the Alchemists release her. We can't storm their headquarters and drag her out. We don't even know where she is. If we knew than maybe... But as of right now there isn't much we can do." She did look upset about it, I had to give her that. "She is my friend, Adrian. I wouldn't abandon her if I had a real plan to rescue her."

"I know that," I muttered, uselessly running a hand through my hair.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "She's strong. I'm sure she'll be okay. I wish I could say I knew a way to help her."

"That's what I'm trying to do. I just don't know how. Spirit dreams don't work. And how else—"

"Maybe they just don't work with humans," she suggested.

"No, they do. I've visited Sydney before." Rose looked more than a little startled by the admission. Probably because she was wondering why Sydney would let an evil creature visit her dreams. "The only explanation for this is drugs, or something more sinister. Some alchemist compound that prevents the use of magic or... I don't know. Something." I jumped up and began pacing the cold, stark living room. "This is what I'm talking about. The Alchemists have all sorts of tricks in their arsenal. Stuff we don't know about. They could be doing anything to her. Anything!"

"Adrian," she said slowly. "You've said there are other people looking for her? Friends of hers?"

I'd begged Rose and Lissa's help when I'd first come back to Court, telling them a little about Marcus and Jackie's attempts to find Sydney—leaving out all of the magic, of course. I couldn't even begin to know how to explain that to them.

"There are, but they aren't having any better luck than I am at this point."

She nodded. "Well, if they figure it out, let me know. I'll do whatever you need. But," she looked concerned, "maybe in the meantime... Maybe you should let them worry about this."

This was the thing, the thing no one understood. The thing I wasn't allowed to explain to them because I was afraid they'd never understand. Sure, Marcus and Jackie were both out there, dedicatedly searching for other ways to find Sydney, but Marcus was just a guy with a similar mission statement. And Jackie loved Sydney, but she was her mentor and teacher. I was her boyfriend. I was the one who was supposed to take care of her. I was the one they called every time a lead fell through or another location spell failed. This task fell squarely on my shoulders, yet my friends thought I should leave it to everyone else. Maybe because I'd been leaving everything to everyone else all my life.

"You've had a lot to drink tonight. Spirit must barely be working." She said it gently, but it still felt like a slap in the face.

"It works enough to dreamwalk."

Rose sighed again. "But you shouldn't be using spirit when you're so down like this. It's a cycle. Use spirit, get depressed, use spirit some more, get more depressed. It won't stop until you—"

"Until I what?" I demanded, after she cut herself off abruptly.

At first I wasn't sure she'd answer me, her lips were pressed together so tightly. But then she lifted her chin and narrowed her eyes. "It won't stop until your either insane or dead. And then what good will you do Sydney?"

I flinched back, her words eerily similar to something Sydney'd said to me once.

"Lissa and Sonya are worried about you. Jill's worried about you. I'm worried you. Go back on those pills you were taking. Get yourself stable. Then you can worry about Sydney. Or better yet, worry about your own life. Maybe find a nice girl. You seemed to hit it off with Nina." She smiled a small, hopeful smile. "Take her out for coffee or dinner or something. It'd be good for you."

I knew she was only trying to help, but I just wanted her to leave me alone. I didn't want to hear what was good for me. What was good for me didn't matter, not when Sydney was gone. She was what was good for me. Rose stared, waiting for a response. I just sighed, not wanting to fight with her, but unwilling to inadvertently agree to anything.

Nina, the spirit user who'd recently saved her sister from life as a Strigoi, seemed to be very interested in getting to know me better, something I figured would change if she saw me wasting away at a bar day after day. Honestly, I didn't really care what she thought. And Nina wasn't even the only girl to be interested despite my binge drinking. They'd been coming out of the woodwork ever since I'd gotten back to Court. It'd never been so easy to get a girl in my entire life and the only one I wanted was locked away somewhere, being brainwashed to hate me. Oh, sweet irony.

I was actually a little amazed Rose hadn't picked up on the truth yet. She was a guardian, she was trained to be hyper observant, yet she didn't see the pain in my eyes for what it was. Heartbreak. No matter how good a friend she was to me or Sydney, us being in a relationship never even crossed her mind. Human/Moroi relationships were taboo, especially to the people here at Court.

"Please, think about it," Rose said, standing. "Trying to find Sydney is a noble cause, Adrian. But is it really the reason you won't go back on your pills, or are you just using it as an excuse to let spirit win?"

I didn't answer. I wanted to tell her why I needed to find Sydney. I wanted to tell her that was the reason I couldn't go back on the pills. But some small part of me, a part that sounded a bit like Sydney—though I was currently too drunk to be hallucinating her voice—said she might be on to something. Spirit wasn't finding Sydney, and getting drunk night after night wasn't finding her either. But spirit was the only weapon in my arsenal. I wasn't like Sydney. I wasn't resourceful and brilliant. And I wasn't like Rose, who'd just punch the answers out of someone. Spirit was the only option I had.

Thankfully Rose left me alone after that and I spent the next few hours sobering up for my nightly check in on Sydney. The same cloudy black wall as always blocked me, but I still tried, again and again, until I was too exhausted to summon spirit any longer.

I woke up the next day to the buzzing of my phone. My heart jumped around inside my chest the way it always did when my phone rang these days. Was it Marcus, had he found her? Jackie, maybe? But no, as I checked my phone I saw it was just Lissa.

"What can I do for you, cousin?" I asked, groggily, rubbing my eyes.

"You can get down here as soon as possible, that's what you can do," she said excitedly. I knew I shouldn't, but still, my hopes soared as I prayed Sydney had somehow escaped reeducation and made her way to Court. If anyone could do it, it was her. "It's the vaccine," Lissa went on. "We're about to make a breakthrough!"

My hopes fell, but my interest was piqued. The vaccine was important to me and Sydney. It was something we were both invested in, and I wanted to see it work. I even got cleaned up and did my hair, hoping to look less like a sad, heartbroken man and more like a dashingly charismatic scientist, even if it was only a facade.

When I arrived at the palace everyone was gathered in a sitting room around a tall Moroi guy. He was talking quietly with Sonya and Lissa. I wasn't sure what was going on or who this guy was, but everyone was so focused on him that no one noticed me come in.

Well, almost no one.

"Adrian!" Jill chirped, gesturing for me to take a seat beside her, across from Mystery Guy. "Come on, you have to meet Benedict."

Benedict turned away from Sonya and smiled at Jill in a gentlemanly way that seemed out of place, somehow, before turning to me. He reached a hand out for me to shake. "Benedict Asarov. Good to meet you."

"Adrian Ivashkov. Same to you."

I sat down next to Jill. Eddie stood next to her, his focus one hundred percent on anticipating any threatening moves this guy might make on her. I almost wanted to tell him I wasn't getting any bad vibes from this guy. A quick check of his aura showed he was perfectly relaxed and friendly. But there was something off about him, something I couldn't put my finger on. The way he carried himself maybe? Too formally, despite being in the presence of the queen.

"So you're the one Sonya has been telling me about," Benny—my new name for him since Benedict reminded me of eggs and how could you take someone seriously when they sounded like a breakfast food?—said, studying me. "She said you've come up with a way to create a vaccine against Strigoi."

I turned to see her smiling at me. "It was Sonya's idea in the first place. I just helped a little."

Benny nodded. "Well, then. I suppose it's my turn to help a little too. What do you need me to do?"

As Sonya started talking it finally clicked. Benny was here to test the vaccinated blood. Which meant he used to be Strigoi. Sonya handed him a vial of Neil's blood and explained how, if Neil's tattoo worked the way it was supposed to, he wouldn't be able to drink it. We already knew it worked with actual Strigoi, but if it worked with Benny then we had a way to test the vaccine without risking the death of our test subjects.

Everyone in the room was on edge, waiting to see if our game changing vaccine was about to be taken to the next level or not. Lissa and Rose looked on eagerly, leaning against there respective boyfriends. Neil was practically shaking in anticipation and Olive stood close, holding his hand. Nina, who was standing with her sister, met my eye and smiled. I smiled back out of habit more than cheer.

Then Benny tipped back the vial and all eyes were on him again. Thoughts of Nina and smiling and happiness of any kind flew out the window as Benny gagged on Neil's blood. The only thing that filled me in that moment was exultation.

It worked!

Suddenly Jill's arms were around me, and Eddie patted me on the back. Sonya smiled and said, "It really works. It's one thing to know it does, but it's something else altogether to see it with your own eyes."

Benny grimaced and spit into a cup next to him. "And it's another still to taste it." He spit again and then took a sip of water Dimitri handed him. "Now what? You still need to get whatever magic is in his blood out of him and into the rest of the population. Preferably not all of the population," he added wryly, "because then I'd starve to death."

Sonya smiled, still excited over seeing the proof that her vaccine was really coming to life. "It'd be a Moroi vaccine. And probably dhampir. Humans wouldn't need it, since they're rarely targeted by Strigoi anyway."

Benny shrugged. "They're targeted more than you would think. Easy prey, though they don't taste as good. But vaccinating Moroi and dhampir will be effective enough. Better to leave the feeders alone."

I think everyone in the room flinched at his callous reference to humans being killed, especially the former Strigoi in the room. Suddenly I understood why Eddie was on his guard with this guy. Did he just not care about the lives he'd taken while he was a monster? Or was bluntness his way of dealing with the guilt?

Benny noticed the looks, but only shrugged. "You don't live two hundred years without looking death straight in the eyes a time or two. It's the nature of the world."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "Two hundred... Two hundred what?"

"Isn't it cool?" Jill exclaimed excitedly, grabbing my arm. "Benedict is, like, super old. He was turned Strigoi, like, two centuries ago! I mean," she flushed, giving Benny an apologetic glance, "it's not cool that you were turned. Just cool that you're so old."

I really took in the guy in front of me for the first time. He had long, dark hair, similar to Dimitri's, with a sharp nose and pale blue eyes. That oddness that I'd noticed when he smiled struck me again. It was because of his eyes. Because they looked older than his body. If I had to guess, I'd say he was verging on thirty, but his eyes held knowledge unattainable in just three decades. An old soul, I supposed. One created after being rescued by a spirit user.

"When were you saved?" I asked, curiously.

"Almost sixty years ago," he replied. His voice took on an almost dreamlike quality as he spoke. "My Isabel saved me. She, too, was experimenting with spirit. At that time I wasn't as willing a test subject, but it was for the best." He sighed. "I wish she could see what you kids are doing here."

"What happened to her?" Lissa asked gently as she moved over to take the seat beside Jill.

"She grew old and passed on." Benny sounded sad about it, but not grief stricken. "She aged the way mortals do, and died peacefully." He sighed again. "She saved me from killing for eternity, but she couldn't save me from the mark all that killing left on my soul. I've aged since she left me, almost a decade. But it isn't fast enough. Not nearly fast enough to catch up to her."

I cast a glance towards Sonya and Dimitri, wondering how Benny's story was effecting them. They'd both been Strigoi and both had mortal lovers who might beat them to the grave just because their souls hadn't been marred. At least, according to this two hundred year old ex-Strigoi. I was startled to see Olive was the only one with a horrified look on her face. With everything going on, had no one explained to her how her aging would be affected by the transformation she'd undergone?

"So I'll still live forever? Even though I'm mortal again?" she demanded, frantically glancing between me, Sonya and Benny.

"No, sweetheart," Benny explained. "You'll age, but it will be slower. It differs from person to person as far as I can tell. How long were you turned?"

"I don't know," she said, and her voice wavered. "About three months, I think."

Benny smiled, trying to set her at ease. "It shouldn't be as obvious in you, then. You'll probably live a little longer than you would have, but not noticeably so. It seems to be based on how long you were Strigoi before you were turned back. I was Strigoi for a long while."

Olive nodded, and Neil squeezed her hand, giving her a small smile. Dimitri also looked relived. He'd been Strigoi longer than Olive, but still, it had only been a matter of months. He didn't have to worry about losing Rose to old age, just her own recklessness. Sonya, despite having the most cause for concern seeing as she'd spent years as a Strigoi, put on a brave face. I could tell from her aura this news wasn't shocking to her. She'd already figured out as much on her own.

"But every new wrinkle in my skin brings me closer to my Isabel," he said, glancing down at the skin on the back of his hands. "I am okay with this destiny, as long as I am me again. And I am glad that I can contribute to your research in any way I can. Helping you stop the Strigoi is a good reason to live this long."

"Well, we're happy to have your help," Lissa interjected with a smile. "Any aid or knowledge you can contribute would be greatly appreciated."

The meeting wrapped up pretty quickly after that. Rose and Dimitri were off duty today so they took off as soon as we finished up. Jill and Eddie walked out with Christian talking about lunch. Neil and Olive left with Nina in tow, despite her attempts to start a conversation with me. I gave her a small smile, claiming I needed to speak with Lissa about something. It was true, I did want to talk to Lissa about something, but mostly, I just wanted to avoid Nina and her flirty smiles. If Rose had still been there, I was sure she would have smacked me and forced me to go get coffee with Nina. But there was only one girl I wanted to get coffee with.

As Sonya walked out with Benny, discussing the next step in our experiments—injecting Neil's blood into another test subject—I approached Lissa.

"Can you believe that?" she smiled at me. "Two hundred years old! When he first showed up he said it only made sense a child queen was going to be the one to discover a cure for Strigoi. That adults had too many of their own political agendas to worry about saving the world." She laughed. "I still can't believe it works. We're really doing it. And it's all thanks to you."

I looked away, uncomfortable with the praise. I didn't deserve it. "Sonya's the one who's getting things done. I just do what she tells me."

Lissa's smile faltered. "That's not true, Adrian."

I waved her off. "I have something I need to talk to you about."

I'd been going over my talk with Rose ever since she'd left yesterday. She was right about spirit not helping in my search for Sydney. And maybe she was even right about me letting spirit win, but I couldn't think about giving it up right now. I could, however, ask Lissa to try her hand at locating Sydney one more time.

Her smile faded completely now. "Please tell me this isn't about Sydney again."

"We have to help her," I argued. We'd discussed this many times since I arrived at Court, and many times before that. But she refused to use her queenly powers to help find Sydney. I'd already told myself it was useless to ask for her help again, but what else could I do?

"Look, Adrian. I'm sorry, okay. But Sydney is an Alchemist. I've told you, I can't tell them or her what to do. The only thing they'll tell me is that she's been reassigned. They won't put me in touch with her, no matter how many excuses I give. And, after everything that happened last time she was here, I don't think she'd want to come back even if we could get in touch with her."

Last time Sydney and I had been at Court she'd been attacked by a group of guys I used to know. They'd wanted to drug her and feed from her. I didn't doubt Lissa had a point, but I knew for a fact Sydney would choose the relatively minimal dangers of vampires sucking her blood over whatever the Alchemists were doing to her any day.

"Liss, she's being held prisoner by them. How many times—"

"I know that's what you and Jill believe, but Eddie said she went with them willingly enough. He said she tricked him and turned herself in to her father."

"Because they had guns and were shooting at Eddie! Sydney would do anything to protect Eddie, he's her friend."

Lissa sighed. "There's still nothing I can do. I'm sorry about that, and I have tried to help, but there's nothing left to be done. You still can't find her in a dream?"

"Nothing," I said. "A murky black cloud that refuses to let me through. They're giving her something."

Lissa nodded. "Maybe, but we can't be sure. We can't be sure of anything. That's why it's a lost cause." She gave me a hard look. "Rose is worried about you. Sonya too. Even Dimitri's said you're out of control."

I don't know what made me angrier: Lissa saying Sydney was a lost cause or Belikov calling me out of control. "So I'm supposed to pretend like she's not in trouble, just so Rose and Belikov feel better?"

"No! Of course not," Lissa said. "But you need to take care of yourself too. Adrian, please. I hate seeing you this way. We all do. And you're not helping Sydney this way either."

It was exactly what Rose had said. What? Did they have a group discussion about what to say to me?

"Well, I'm trying," I snapped. "That's more than I can say for any of you."

A knock on the door startled us both, just as Lissa was about to say something. Jill peeked her head in.

"Hey," she said, her eyes darting back and forth between us. "Can I come in?"

I started to tell her no, even if she was already aware of our conversation through the bond, but Lissa waved her in.

"It's good you stopped by. I was just talking to Adrian—which I'm sure you already knew," Lissa said, as she remembered the bond. Then she glanced back at me. "Adrian, please. You need to get over this and at least think about Jill if you won't think about yourself."

Jill looked as taken back as I felt, or maybe that was because she was feeling exactly how I felt. "Lissa," she said slowly, still awkward around her half-sister. "Adrian does think about me, but I can take care of myself. Sydney needs his help right now. She needs all of our help."

"Oh, please, don't you start too. Not again, okay?" Lissa shook her head and looked at me. "I'm sorry that there's nothing I can do, but there's nothing I can do. You're using too much spirit, drinking too much to minimize the effects. Don't think I haven't noticed how it effects Jill."

"Don't try to use me to guilt him," Jill exclaimed in a rare show of standing up to Lissa. "I told you, I can take care of myself."

"If I stop trying to find her then she has no one else," I said. "Her own father put her there. I'm one of three people in this world who care enough to try to find her, and I won't stop. I can't do that to her."

"What about Jill?" Lissa asked. "What can you do to her? Let her watch—feel!—you go insane from spirit? Let her feel every hangover you have? This obsession needs to stop, Adrian."

"Obsession?" I demanded.

"Yes, obsession." Lissa turned her chin up and stared me down, even though I was a full head taller than her. "I've said it a million times. I'm sorry for what happened to Sydney. That she's in trouble for helping us. But I can't help her, you can't help her. And this obsession you've developed is only hurting you and Jill."

"That's not fair," Jill defended me. "He's trying to help our friend and you're condemning him."

"I'm not," Lissa said and her shoulders slumped. "I just don't want to see either of you hurting yourselves. I care about you both too much."

I knew where Lissa was coming from, I did, but it didn't matter. I'd do anything to find Sydney. But I couldn't argue with her anymore about it. She couldn't help me, she'd told me a hundred times already and I'd simply refused to listen.

Jill's pale green eyes, so similar to Lissa's, teared up as she looked at her sister. I realized this was probably the first time Lissa admitted to having any sort of affectionate feelings towards Jill. It wasn't that she didn't obviously care about her, just that Jill had never heard her actually say the words before.

"I'm sorry," Lissa said one last time, as I turned to leave the two of them together. They had sisterly things to discuss.

Lissa and Rose's words tangled together in my head, but it was Sydney's beautiful voice whispering them to me. Take care of yourself, let someone else handle it. Obsession.

I was overusing spirit and it was catching up to me. Maybe I did need to take a break. I still had the pills. Maybe if I took them I'd be able to think straight and come up with some sort of a solid plan.

So you're giving up? Sydney asked. Her melodic voice sounding in my brain like a siren's call, leading me away from the safety of the pills and into the deadly, churning fray of spirit.

"I'll never give up," I promised. Then I headed back to my house, determined to find her in a spirit dream.