Richelle Mead owns the VA and Bloodlines series.

Uh... So, don't hate me for this one, okay? At least I updated quickly, right?

I never thought I'd say I wish Rose Hathaway would keep her nose out of my love life, but I really wished Rose Hathaway would keep her nose out of my damned love life.

As I was walking home to go check on Sydney in a spirit dream, Nina Sinclair approached me.

"Adrian," she smiled. "Rose said you were looking for me?"

"I..." I wasn't sure what to say to her. I hadn't been looking for her. I wasn't sure why Rose would tell her that—probably because Rose had developed this need to set me up with Nina even though of told her I didn't like Nina like that. But lying to the girl? And she looked so happy to see me I couldn't just break her heart by telling her to get lost. "How are you doing?" I asked after a moments hesitation. "I wanted to ask how Olive was."

Lie. But a good one, I complimented myself. Olive was a perfectly neutral reason to want to speak to her. Ever since Olive was rescued from being Strigoi, Nina had tried to keep close to her sister. Though Olive seemed perfectly fine by herself all of the times I'd seen her out and about with Neil.

Nina's smile deflated a little at the mention of her sister. "Oh. She's doing okay. She's much better knowing that she's helping to create the Strigoi vaccine." She sighed. "She's been spending a lot of time with Neil though. I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"Neil's harmless," I said, stepping around her and continuing my walk back to the house. Nina fell into step beside me. "Trust me. I didn't like him when I first met him, but he's a loyal guy who only wants to do what's right. He went out and tested the tattoo even though he knew there was a good chance he'd die. I mean, how much more dedicated to the cause can you get?"

Nina nodded and told me about how Olive was always either with Neil or talking about Neil, but I was barely paying attention. Talking about Neil's tattoo made me think of Sydney and the night she went with him and Eddie to test the tattoo out on a real Strigoi. They'd almost died. Probably would have if Trey, Angeline and Jill hadn't come along to help them. That was the night before the Alchemists took Sydney away from me. It was the last night we were together. The last night I'd really spoken to her. We'd talked all about what happened in that alley with the Strigoi.

"Adrian?"

"Hmm?" I asked, pulling myself from my spiraling thoughts. Nina was looking up at me, concern flashing across her features. "Sorry. I have to go. I'm not feeling well."

She nodded. "Okay. I was wondering if you'd ever want to get a drink with me sometime? Maybe when you're feeling better? We could talk."

A drink sounded pretty good just then. I wanted to go try another spirit dream, but spirit wasn't helping to find Sydney and I was starting to feel weighed down by the darkness. I could use the distraction—No. No distractions.

"Yeah, maybe," I said, throwing her a small smile. "I'll see you around."

I raced home, knowing I should take it easy on spirit, but I wanted to try at least one more time. I wasn't completely stupid, I knew the way I was acting wasn't getting me, or Sydney, anywhere. But how do you decide when enough is enough? When do you give up on one approach to try another? I didn't want to give up the only possible connection I could have to Sydney for a shot in the dark.

Before I could even cross the threshold of my Dad's doorstep my phone started ringing. Marcus's name was displayed on the screen.

"Adrian," he greeted when I answered. "Good news."

"You found her?" I choked out, my heart suddenly pounding through my chest in excitement and relief and a thousand other—

"No." It felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. "No, not yet. But we're working on it. Thanks to the ink Sydney created we've got half a dozen guys on the inside, lurking in plain sight. They've all been briefed on Sydney's case."

Briefed of Sydney's case? It was no wonder Marcus and I didn't usually get along. But I did appreciate his help.

"Thanks, Marcus. I know it means a lot to Sydney, even if she doesn't know about it," I sighed.

"She knows. You think she doesn't know we're looking for her?"

I knew she knew I was looking for her. But it didn't matter because I couldn't find her. It had been so long since she was taken... Would she have given up on me finding her, or did she still wait every night for me to show up in a dream? Did she pray for me to come, the way I prayed I'd be able to reach her?

"The Alchemists techniques are rough. They'll do everything they can to break her down, to make her not trust her own judgement or memories, but she's a fighter. And she's got to know that people are looking for her. She won't give up."

The way he spoke, soft and firm, made me think he was comforting himself as much as he was comforting me. I did agree with him, though. Sydney was the strongest, bravest person I knew. She wouldn't give up. But the Alchemists wouldn't give up either, and the longer it took us to find her...

"Thanks, Marcus. If you find anything..."

"Yeah. I'll be in touch. Just thought you guys would want to know how everything's working out so far."

We hung up not long after that. With no news about Sydney there wasn't anything to say. Marcus was a good guy at heart, but talking to him always left me in a foul mood. I couldn't think about the Alchemists and how they were messing with her mind. I knew they used compulsion and other tricks to make young Alchemists obey them. What more would they do to a girl caught having an affair with a vampire? Would they hurt her? Would they give her some sort of lobotomy so she wouldn't remember anything that had happened this past year? Would she even be the same person when they were done with her?

"My mind, it... it's who I am," she'd told me once, during the black out in my apartment. And now people she'd once trusted were trying to destroy the very thing she prized about herself.

These were the things I thought about every day since she was taken. These were the things that plagued my sleep. The things that fueled my depression. I couldn't escape them, I could only hope to distract myself. Which wasn't sounding like a half bad idea at the moment.

It only took me fifteen minutes to find the person I was looking for. She was with Sonya, Olive and Neil on the front steps of the palace talking to the ex-Strigoi we'd met earlier, Benny. I could hear them talking about Neil's tattoo.

"I could actually use that drink," I said as I walked up, interrupting whatever Sonya had been saying. "What do you say we go right now? I know a great place."

The smile that spread across Nina's face told me her answer before she even spoke.

An hour later we were sitting in a booth at my favorite bar at Court working on our fifth round. Nina could drink and she was pretty good company. Better company than being alone, at least. I was so sick of being alone all the time. But none of my friends understood what I was going through.

Lissa had said I was obsessed. Was I? I guess it kind of felt like an obsession, but in a good way. I was going to get Sydney back and I wasn't going to stop trying until I did. It was the kind of obsession that gets things done, wasn't it? I needed to keep myself together, that way when we finally got Sydney back she wouldn't be coming home to a crazy guy. She wouldn't want that. In fact, she'd hate that. If she could see me right now, sitting in a booth getting wasted, she'd be so pissed she probably wouldn't speak to me for a few days. But I couldn't take the thoughts anymore. I couldn't escape them. The bottom of the bottle was my only refuge.

"He seems like he could be a great influence on Olive," Nina was talking, but, I realized, I had tuned her out. Again. "I'm actually pretty excited he's here."

I nodded. "Neil's a good guy."

"Not Neil," she said with a puzzled twist of her head. "Benedict. I know he's pretty old, but he's been through so much. I really think Olive could learn a lot from him and how he's gotten over his past."

"Oh. Yeah," I said. "Sorry. My mind's just somewhere else right now."

She smiled and got up, moving around the table to sit in the booth next to me. "No problem. I understand, believe me. I know spirit darkness when I see it. Are you alright?"

I took another sip of my drink and sat back in the booth, a little relieved to be talking to someone who knew what I was going through. "I don't know. I am, I just keep thinking about things I'd really rather not be thinking about."

She nodded, her gray eyes serious as she studied me. "I think I know something that will help."

"Something other than this?" I laughed, raising my glass. "What's that?"

I should have seen it coming, but I just wasn't expecting it. She leaned forward, suddenly, and the moment her lips met mine my brain went blissfully quiet. Complete silence for the first time since Sydney was taken. Nina wasn't Sydney and Sydney was still the only girl I could think about, but in that moment the idea of not thinking at all sounded too good to pass up. I caught her face in between my palms and kissed her recklessly, latching on to that numb feeling spreading through my body. This feeling of not feeling was better than all of the alcohol and drugs I could ever imagine.

She pulled back after a while and took my hand, wordlessly standing and guiding me out the door in a haze. Somehow I managed to keep my brain shut off for the walk to her place and then we were in her bedroom and she was drawing me to her and I wasn't resisting.

It felt good, to be that close to someone. To feel her hands on my skin and her lips on my neck. I'd had enough practice with this sort of thing that I was able to lay her down on the bed and start removing clothes all while still feeling like a numbed out zombie. It wasn't that I didn't notice what was happening, because I was fully aware of what was going on. I could see how beautiful Nina was, laid out on the bed before me, her brown hair draped across her pillow, a small, inviting smile on her face as I unbuttoned her blouse.

And suddenly I knew that Rose was right. This did make sense. Nina made sense for me. She was beautiful and smart and kind. And she was a spirit user, she had firsthand knowledge of one of the most important aspects of my life. She would, undoubtedly, be perfect for me in a Sydney-less world. And wasn't that what I was living in? A Sydney-less world?

Something in my stomach twisted violently and I pulled away just as she was reaching for my belt.

"I can't," I exhaled, feeling like the wind had just been knocked out of me. I couldn't look at her face as she sat up, half naked and confused.

"I don't mean to pry or anything," she said wryly, "but why? From everything I've heard—some of it from you—you don't seem like the kind of guy to just... stop. Is it me?"

And how the hell was I supposed to answer that? Yes, it's you. It's you not being an adorable blonde genius who happens to be the love of my life and who, incidentally, I will probably never see again.

"It's not you." I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "It's... a lot of things, but you aren't one of them. That's sort of the problem."

I heard her hesitate and then, with an almost amused tone she said, "That sounds like it is me."

I almost laughed, except none of this was funny. I felt disgusted. Disgusted with myself for what I'd almost done, for what I'd let myself do. For trying to forget Sydney in this way, when she was out there somewhere having God knows what done to her because she'd had the bad luck of falling in love with me. I was a goddamned bastard.

"Adrian." Nina's warm hand came down on my shoulder and I flinched away, in spite of—or maybe because of—my urge to lean back into her and forget. "Tell me what's wrong. We don't have to do this. We can just... talk."

Finally, I turned back to look at her and she wasn't smiling. There was nothing the least bit sexual in her expression, despite sitting on the bed in only her bra. That's what cracked me. Not the bra, but the serious expression on her face, I mean. I felt my chin quiver in the most unmanly of ways and then I was blinking back tears, though I refused to let them fall. I might have been a pathetic mess, but I was still Adrian Ivashkov and I had my limits.

Nina put her shirt back on before pulling me into a hug. You wouldn't think that a relative stranger hugging you in the worst moment of your life would mean anything, but it does. It meant something that she cared enough to sit and comfort me despite my rejecting her only minutes before. I knew then that I'd been right before. This girl would be perfect for me in a Sydney-less world, but this wasn't a Sydney-less world. It was simply a world that lacked Sydney at the moment. But she'd existed, and her existence was not something I could forget, even if sometimes the pain of her absence hurt enough to make me want to. Just the fact that I felt that pain was proof that she mattered too much to forget. It hit me like a slap in the face then, that even if I had to cling to that pain for the rest of my life I would, simply so I wouldn't forget her.

"I'm sorry," I told her when I pulled away. I stood and found my shirt on the floor near the bedroom door. I shrugged it on. "I'm really sorry."

Nina just nodded and pursed her lips like she was thinking. "Is it one of those girlfriends you're always going on about?"

I clenched my jaw, but nodded.

"All those girlfriends," she said, her gray eyes thoughtful. "They don't exist, do they? It's just the one girl."

I nodded again, trying to fix my hair into something halfway presentable, but found I really didn't care and ended up slumping back against the door frame.

"It's the human girl, isn't it?" She whispered the words and they sounded taboo coming out of her mouth. "I've heard you fighting with everyone about her. I don't know what happened though. Did she leave?"

I closed my eyes and swallowed. My voice was thick when I spoke. "No. She didn't leave, but she's still gone."

"Adrian," Nina murmured. "Come sit down."

I couldn't. I could trust myself not to do anything stupid, but I couldn't sit and talk about this with her. How could I? She didn't know Sydney, didn't understand Sydney. Though, honestly, it wasn't like I could talk to anyone else about her. Jill understood, but there was only so much misery I could force on the kid. Rose knew Sydney, but not well enough to understand, even though I knew it killed her not to be able to rescue her. Lissa had certainly made it clear there was nothing she could do to help Sydney. Maybe Nina couldn't understand Sydney, but she could listen and she certainly seemed to want to. So I described her. I described everything, from the first moment we met up until that last day. And she hung on my every word, listening raptly as I described my love for another woman.

"Have you ever made pancakes?" I asked her, and from the look on her face it wasn't a question she'd been expecting. Not when I was in the middle of telling her my story.

"Yeah, I guess. Why?"

"With a guy?" I pressed. "Have you ever woken up and made pancakes and coffee and sat down to breakfast just knowing that this was it? This was what you wanted to wake up to for the rest of your life?"

Something in Nina's eyes told me she understood my question. "No. I haven't experienced that exact moment, but I understand what you mean."

"That's what Sydney and I had. That last day... She made pancakes before I drove her back to school and I just knew." I let out a short bark of laughter. "I didn't even have any syrup so we had to use jam. It didn't matter. It was still the best breakfast I've ever had and I wanted to have it with her every morning after." My eyes started to water and I blinked a few times to clear my vision. Depression swirled within me, threatening to pull me lower than I'd felt all day and I couldn't be bothered to be embarrassed about it. "Why couldn't I have that? Why?"

"So you're what?" Nina asked after a moment of silence. A disgusted look—that I already could tell was out of character for her—slipped onto her face. "You're giving up? Are you just going to let her go? After all of that?"

My depression burst into flames at the accusation. I clenched my fists so hard I thought my nails might draw blood. "I'm not letting her go. She's gone! They took her and I can't get to her! There's a difference."

Nina shrugged, completely unsympathetic now, and I felt my anger, rising higher and higher in the pit of my stomach, ready to incinerate me completely.

"Can't is just a word people say when they need an excuse for giving up. If Sydney's really so special, if you really loved her, you'd get off your ass and save her."

Launching myself to my feet, I towered over the bed, letting the waves of anger roll off of me. "I've. Tried. You couldn't possibly understand all of the ways I've tried. Don't you think I would if I could? I can't. The Alchemists are doing something to her so I can't find her. No one can."

"So then don't find her," Nina said, painfully calm in the face of my anger. "Maybe... I don't know. Find someone who already knows where she is."

I groaned, barely hearing her. "Do you honestly think—"

My whole world spun, and not because I was currently three weeks into an alcoholic relapse. Figure out who already knows. Sydney's dad definitely knew where she was. And Zoe, possibly, though she'd never tell me. Her mom and her older sister, Carly, probably wouldn't know where she was, but they might be able to find out. Why hadn't I thought of that before? I'd been so focused on finding her, on getting her back, I hadn't even thought about her family. Her mom was possibly the closest thing I had to an ally in all of this, if I could get her to help me.

"Nina, you're a genius!" I shouted, pulling her up into my arms and spinning her in a circle. That led to the world reeling again, but I was too happy to notice the discomfort. I placed her back on her feet and steadied myself.

"Um," she said, seeming amused. "Since you seem to have a thing for geniuses I'll take that as high praise. But did I really help you? Did you come up with a plan?"

"Maybe. I have to look into it, but you might have just given me the help I need to get Sydney back."

"Okay," she said, sounding confused, but genuinely happy she'd helped. It struck me again that this girl was pretty amazing, even if she wasn't the girl for me. Not many people would comfort a guy who started talking about his girlfriend just a few minutes after he tried to have sex with them. "I hope you find her and that everything works out. I know I don't know her, but..." She looked down and blushed. "You're a good guy, Adrian. If you love her than I'm sure she's worth loving." She glanced back up and gave me a smile. "So I want to wish you good luck."

I smiled back at her, feeling the first flutter of hope I'd had in weeks. "We make our own luck."