There had never been such a thing as vanity in my life. The work itself I had not learned the meaning of until the age of fifteen. To value one's appearance over survival was an idea that I could not fathom. That man had been vain, I realized. Everything about his life, from the crop I raised to his spotless, opulent clothing, had been a tool used to inflate his ego. The day I die, however death may come, I wish to be remembered as a friend, companion, and maybe even a mother. To be called vain would be the ultimate insult.
Five
"Excuse me..?" I asked, uncomprehending.
"You look…how do I say…yer a little…" Sarj stumbled over his words, still staring at the ground.
"You look too much a woman." Arrus cut in for him. Sarj's face grew almost as red as his facial hair.
"Too much of a..?" I repeated slowly and cast my eyes down at my own chest. My breasts, though small, were well defined beneath the robe stuck against my bare skin. For the first time in my life I looked the female I was. A fear of being seen suddenly gnawed deep in my belly, and with it came mortification. My hands lifted to wrap around my chest as an attempt to hide the telling abominations.
"We must find the nearest pig pin!" I demanded, determined to become even filthier than before and cover myself with five layers of thick hide. Sarj nodded quickly, already turning around to lead us out, but Arrus put out a hand to stop him.
"There is a better solution." He said softly.
"Yes! We can cut them off!" I exclaimed, wanting to be completely rid of the cursed things.
"Don't be a fool!" Arrus scolded in shock, flicking me in the forehead, "If we win this war what will you do if you've gone and done such a thing?"
Clearly, that had not been remotely close to what his idea had been. I shrugged my shoulders at him hopelessly.
"I hardly believe I am going to survive this war, and I'm not the sort of person a man would want to take as a wife. I don't see the point in them." I answered firmly. I cared little if I was being irrational. Fear of death by quartering was greater than fear of living alone.
"You're a peculiar girl…" Arrus said softly, staring down at me with an unreadable expression, then seemed to shake himself. "No, my solution will cover up your gender without maiming you. We simply bind your chest and put your layers back on. You will be bathed at the castle, so hiding it with only dirt and layers won't work. We will think of a way to convince the king to give you a room of your own on our way to the city."
As he spoke his matter of fact tone helped my desperation calm. All my life I had been seen as a boy, and now that my gender was visible to all I felt fatally exposed. The prince's idea was much less painful and permanent than my own irrational brain had thought up, however, so I nodded readily enough. Arrus looked relieved that I let my first suggestion go and told us both to wait for him while he asked the hostess for something. After he left the silence between Sarj and I stretched a little uncomfortably as he fiddled with his mustache.
"Yeh know… Underneath all the filth yer not that plain…" Sarj said softly after what felt to be an eternity. The compliment was a bit backhanded but more than I had ever been paid by a man before. Face red from the embarrassment of it I nodded my thanks and continued to shift from foot to foot without talking. Sarj sighed heavily and renewed his fiddling.
"Stop that!" I demanded, loathing that he should feel different for something that had always been true. "I am not any less the person I was a few minutes ago. To treat me differently now hardly seems to make any sense."
As I said the last statement I lifted my hand and tugged sharply on his mustache. With a grunt of surprise he finally looked me in the eye. At the sight of my hurt expression his own grew sheepish.
"I'm sorry, lass…" He apologized, "Yer right. I have to get used t'you bein' a girl, that's for sure, but yer no better or worse than the filthy little runt we saved from that mountain."
"Don't ever let yourself forget it." I scolded with a shaky laugh. The large man joined me with a hearty guffaw of his own just as Arrus bustled back into the hall.
"Alright, take these and follow me." The prince mandated as he shoved straps of cloth into my hands. "Sarj, you stay here or wait in the courtyard."
Without another word spoken I was pushed out the door and down a second hallway.
"Rhynne, you have two choices." Arrus began as we walked passed one room after another. "You can put these on yourself, or you can have me help you. The hostess cannot know you for your gender."
"I will do it myself!" I said in a rush as he came to a halt at the third door. The idea of him seeing my bare chest had my decision made long before he was finished explaining.
"Then I will wait out here. I was told by the maid that there is a mirror in the corner of this room used by court ladies after their baths. When you've got the wrappings in place put your layers back on. We will see how you look by then." Arrus instructed firmly, pointing first to the large mirror in the right corner of the wide room and then to the open door where he would be waiting. I appreciated his briskness more than I could express.
"I will see you soon, then." I murmured as he closed the door behind him.
Once alone I took a brief moment to look around. The room was simple in furnishing with two tiny couches along each wall for sitting and a single counter for placing your possessions. The mirror was by far the most demanding part of the room. Huge and ornate, the steel framed glass was twice as tall as I was and four times as wide. Its frame, beautiful and simple, curved and tangled almost as if it were meant to represent waves. These sights I only took in for a moment, however, because as I drew into view of my own reflection I froze in incomprehension at what I saw.
Before me, without doubt, stood the frame of a young woman. In the tight embrace of the robe curves I had never known existed were there for all to see. My hips, slender and petite, sloped inward delicately only to widen again at my chest. The breasts there were little more than round lumps behind the fabric and yet were unmistakable for what they were. My arms and legs were tight with lean muscle from my years of toil and my hair choppy from my clumsy hacking, but the now clean lock were a dark, rich red. Against my pale white skin the color was almost shocking, though not quite so much so as the ice blue eyes staring widely from behind my bangs. The features of my face were sharp: cheekbones high and lips thick and red as if stung by bees, nose almost too long and slender, and eyes so almond they were almost pointed at each end.
I had never met such a perfect stranger in my life. A sad part of me wondered if my mother had looked much like this girl.
After a long moment of blank staring I finally remembered why I was there. With shaking hands I removed my robe and took one last glance in the mirror. When had I grown into such a shape? How, now that even I could see it, was I supposed to hide it? Pushing the grim questions from my mind I gathered the strips of cloth and wrapped them tightly around my chest, taking care to take in some air and hold it so that I would not make them too binding. When I was finished I looked back at my reflections and started to believe that all might not be lost. My chest was completely flat again, and I was not uncomfortable under the wrappings, but no amount of wrapping could hide the missing piece between my legs.
Still, I thought to myself reassuringly as I began pulling on my dirty clothing, there will be no reason for anyone to go to such measures at the castle. My secret will be safe so long as I am careful.
When finished I knocked on the door. It opened almost immediately to reveal Arrus' impatient expression.
"I was another minute away from checking on you." He warned, only half joking. I grew red in the face but left it alone. At least the prince did not seem to have Sarj's trouble with my body. Perhaps his uncaring attitude meant that he saw me as genderless? The idea sat funny in my chest, but I let it pass without delving deeper.
"You look…better. Less obvious at least." He continued with some satisfaction in his voice. Reaching out he lifted a lock of my hair.
"I had been expecting it to be black." He murmured, and then let it go again. "We need to trim it shorter. It's been a few weeks since you've done so, yes? Come."
Again he motioned for me to follow him, and I found myself being swept forward back the way we had come. When we arrived Sarj took one look at me and sighed with what seemed to be relief. Now that I had seen myself more clearly I understood his embarrassment and grew red for what had to be the tenth time in the last hour. I cursed myself for having been born a girl. So many things could have been easier.
"Sit." The prince ordered as he took Sarj's witling dagger and pulled a bench from the wall out for me. I worried only once at his skills as I obeyed and then stopped caring. The rougher it looked the better my identity was hidden anyway. Perhaps he would make a mistake and even have to shear my hair off entirely. The idea of being bald made me giggle before I could stop myself.
"Quit that. Boys don't giggle." Arrus admonished curtly as he moved to stand behind me and lifted the first lock of my hair. He worked with firm but gently hands and soon the ground began to gather pieces of my hair. I found the repetitive tug and slice of the blade to be relaxing. After several minutes Arrus ran his hand through my now shorter hair to check his work. His fingers slid over the nape of my neck, took one pass down my right shoulder, and then were gone. I had never been touched that way before. The prince's hand had almost seemed tender as it had moved over my skin.
"What's wrong, Rhyce?" Arrus asked as he came around from behind me and saw my disconcerted expression. I realized then that tears had leaked unbidden from my eyes.
"Nothing, it's just that I've never had a friend to look after me." I answered him honestly. Wiping the moisture away and bowing deeply I addressed them both. "I thank you for every kindness you have shown me. With hard work I fully intend to repay you for each one two fold."
"Now see here!" Sarj blustered, "There's no such need for that!"
"Sarj is right, Rhyce. We do not help you with repayment in mind." Arrus said with a soft smile. I bowed more deeply, noticing not for the first time that Arrus seemed to be making a point of calling me by my false name as many times as possible.
"Then I swear loyalty to you both. I will do whatever is in my power to serve and protect both of you as well as this kingdom."
At first I had sworn out of a sense of duty toward the king that had send shining knights to save me. Now I swore because he had given me a much greater gift than my own life. He had given me the opportunity to find peace with myself and the harsh world in which I lived. Perhaps the king was a cold man that did not treat his own son with love, and maybe his was not the best rule that this kingdom had known, but he had done that much at least This was more than enough reason for me to fight and die.
"Enough of that. Stand and face us, boy." Arrus commanded. I immediately obeyed with a grin so large it hurt my unpracticed cheeks.
"Shall we be off, then? The lass is disguised enough. There's naught we can do to hide those fine features, but not all boys're rugged." Sarj said with a chuckle. Still caught up in my own emotions I stuck my tongue out at him and earned a clap on the shoulder for my mischief. Arrus rolled his eyes at the two of us but ruffle my hair and nodded.
Within the passing of an hour we were back on the road towards the castle, and the men informed me that there was only a single day of riding left before us. As we rode on the vision of the hostess's shock when she saw my newly washed appearance swam before my eyes. The men had shared a laugh at her expense once she was out of earshot, but I had not been able to blame her. Mine had been quite the transformation. Still, her stuttering words as she bid us farewell made me chuckle every few minutes or so for hours afterwards.
Dark clouds began to gather in the distance as the day drew to an end, and by the time we stopped to take up camp a light rain had begun to wet the land. I had never experienced rain before, and found myself staring up in awe at the little droplets as they fell onto my face and shoulders. I had believed anything that fell from the sky could only be unpleasant, but the water that was slowly soaking me then was warm and gentle. As the men put up our shelter I could not help but laugh and jump in the muddy puddles that were gathering on the ground.
"Oi! You'll catch yer death if yeh don' come in and sit by the fire! And stop jumping in the puddles!" Sarj called out just as I landed with an impressive splash in the largest pool I had yet to find. Laughing breathlessly I ran to them and sank down without grace before the fire.
"Isn't this just amazing?" I asked through excited panting as I shook what was left of my hair out. Sarj and Arrus exchanged a baffled look.
"What?" I asked more calmly as I realized that I was the only one feeling so much excitement.
"There's a lot you haven't had the chance to experience, isn't there?" Arrus asked slowly, staring at me as if for the first time. His dark eyes bore into my own as if searching for something I did not understand. Whether he found it or not, I could never be sure, but he released me after a moment to put his attentions back on the rabbit he was skinning. Releasing the breath I had known I was holding, I shrugged.
"I have only ever known the mountain. I had only read of rain before today." I said apologetically. I felt as if I had been acting like a fool and was shamed. My skin was dirty again with mud, too, so I might as well have thrown their silver into a river.
The three of us fell quiet as the fire crackled. Arrus finished with the rabbit and seasoned it lightly with salt from his pack. In the light of the fire I studied his features more closely. His eyes were not as black as they seemed, I was mildly surprised to observe. In the glistening light they glowed a rich brown, like the color of the melted chocolate we used to decorate cakes for that man's guests. His cheek bones were high and sharp, the line of his left cheek marred with a faint scar than ran from just under his eye to his chin. The line was so thin it had escaped my notice all this time, and the newly found mark seemed to make him look older. His hair was blacker than a raven's, so deeply so that it reflected midnight blue in the flickering light as he worked. Altogether with his slightly crooked nose, no doubt from being broken more than once, his face was an unflinching mask. In all the time I had known him I had never once been able to say completely what the young man might be thinking, and yet I knew enough to say that he was capable both of cruelty and of gentility. With sudden realization I knew that I did not fear him. Somewhere along the line both of these men, hard and strong from a lifetime of fighting had earned my complete trust.
"Are you quite finished?" Arrus spoke up suddenly. His toneless comment made me jump and pulled me quickly back into reality.
"I'm sorry!" I answered quickly with a lie. "I was daydreaming."
"I do believe that to be shit, farm maiden." He answered, somehow sounding regal despite his profanity. "Why were you staring at me?"
I did not much know the answer myself.
"Leave the lass be, Arrus. She was probably trying to count in her head the seconds until that tiny little rabbit was done on the spit." Sarj cut in, effectively saving me from a response. The prince huffed indignantly and immediately started arguing over how much meat is enough for one man's meal. I sighed in relief. Truly I had meant no harm in staring, and yet when he had demanded me to explain I had had no words. It seemed I was not quite ready to open up to even myself just yet, but I knew it would come in time. Perhaps I would even find the explanation behind the strange feelings that had been tugging at me one day.
"…you'd be good to remember to call her "boy" and "he", also. He is supposed to be a man." Arrus was chastising when I came back into the conversation. I smiled at them both as they continued to banter, knowing that with that man dead and these men by my side life could only be better from there on.
Once supper had been picked clean we bundled up in our furs and slept for the night. The morning brought with it a watery sky and muddy rods, but the rain had gone. Gathering our things and saddling the horses was a bit trickier when everything was laden with moisture, but we succeeded after many curses and were soon on our way again. With every hour of travel I felt a mixture of dread and excitement grow in my gut. The kingdom would be on the horizon by noon, and we would be crossing the draw bridge before the sun was finished setting. As we drew closer I noticed also that the men were becoming less spirited. It seemed as if the time for light banter was leaving, and I did not like this change in them.
"There it is, Rhyce, yer new home." Sarj spoke after many hours of silence. In front of us, still in the distance, stood the tiny silhouette of what I knew to be an enormous castle. My chest constricted, though with fear or happiness I could not say.
"When we arrive we will be summoned before the king, and you are to kneel and never stand until he commands you to. Do not make eye contact with him or address him by any name but 'your majesty' or 'my king'." Arrus began instructing as though repeating lines he had heard all his life. "Answer any question he may have quickly and completely. Finally, do not say anything that might anger him. You may be his only hope to save the kingdom, but he is a man of great pride and will punish you for insolence without hesitation. Do you understand?"
"I do." I whispered, throat suddenly dry. Swallowing painfully I held onto the saddle with white knuckles.
"Don't be afraid, Rhynne." Arrus breathed in my ear as his hand squeezed my side reassuringly. "I will be by your side as long as I can be."
Finding comfort in this promise I allowed myself to relax a little. The king seemed to be a frightening man, but so long as I was not to face him alone I felt less fear of what might be to come.
The day went on without any further conversation, and the tiny castle in the distance slowly grew to tower over us. Sprawled out before it in a maze of buildings both short and tall was Argist, the king's city. The town we had passed through before had been what I thought was busy, but I now knew I had been naïve to believe so. Thousands of people crowded every street as they went about their daily lives. Children, wild and laughing, chased each other through the streets while harassed mothers called after them angrily. Men in shining armor walked the streets keeping order to the chaos and watching out for anyone who might try and make off with a purse. At our approach two guards clanged their fists against their chests in greeting.
"The king is awaiting your arrival, your highness. Please go to the castle with no delay!" The man on our left said through his helmet. I pitied him the heat he must feel in all that metal.
"Well met, guardsman. We will make our way to him immediately." Arrus answered him with a boy of his head. His voice was suddenly deeper, more aloof, as he spoke. It occurred to me that he might put on airs for those people beneath his position and felt glad that had met the true Arrus long before arriving here. Dealing with the arrogance he was so suddenly displaying would have made the whole journey insufferable.
The men did not so much as glance at me as we traveled on. The crowds parted as fluidly as water as we passed and quickly closed in again behind us. My companions' armor was unmistakably that of the king's guard and none dared get in their way. With little warning one small child brazenly danced up and offered me a tiny daisy. The girl did not look to be any older than six and beamed up at me as only children of that age could. I took the flower almost unconsciously, staring with wide eyes at the brave little girl as Arrus halted our progression.
"It's for luck." She said just as her mother broke through the crowd and scooped her up.
"She's on'y a child she don' know better!" She cried in panic as she backed away.
"Put it in your hair, boy. It's a token of esteem to receive a flower from a lass." Sarj boomed merrily from his mount and started forward again. Lifted onto her mother's shoulders as she was I could still see the little girl as she bounced out of sight. Smiling at her gratefully I tucked the thin stem behind my right ear. The child grinned gleefully and disappeared down an alleyway with her mother.
"Most of the king's subjects are wary of his guards, but toddlers are ever full of surprises." Arrus agreed with some amusement.
"It suits you." He said more softly, so softly in fact that I was left wondering if I had heard him say it at all.
The city of Argist as in fact so large and so densely populated that it took the better part of another hour to finally reach the outer wall of the castle. Even before we stopped at the great iron gate the stone wall towered over our heads by the height of at least two men. The gate was the only entrance into the castle beyond and was so heavy it took four men working together to turn the wheels that lifted it. The moment the guard recognized the prince the order to open it was barked, and the armored men began their laborious task. Within a minute or two the door was open and we were ushered quickly through. Once we were clear the metal door slammed down with enough forced to shake the ground, but our horses, far used to worse surprises, did not even grunt.
The courtyard leading to the castle's front doors was at least a hundred yards long, and our horses were quickly led away by much more solemn stable boys that politely refused a tip Sarj. I found the castle to be a bit of a disappointment to my imaginings. Everything seemed so tightly knit, so organized and under control. I felt for the first time that I might be exchanging one prison for another. Still, in this one I would not be forced to work fields of frozen flowers. It seemed the less of two evils.
"The king has been informed of your arrival and awaits you in his throne room." A man dressed in clothing much like I had seen on our visitors at the farm said with a bow once we had reached the door. It seemed that this man was a servant of some kind, though I had no idea what his duties might be. Such clothing did not seem well suited to any sort of real work.
"Thank you." Arrus said with a wave of his hand and, placing the other lightly on the small of my back, ushered me into the castle. The first thing I saw was the color purple. It was everywhere. The wood beneath our feet had been stained with it, and the walls of the large room we stood in were covered on all sides with purple tapestries of various designs and shades. At the invasion of my most hated color my stomach twisted in disgust. Even the fire burning on the torches lining the great hall was magicked to appear like living amethyst. I had had some misgivings about the building before entering, but now I simply hated everything about it.
"This was." Arrus said curtly and steered me towards a large tapestry in the right wall that turned out to be an enormous open door. The fabric covering it was so light it was a wonder it did not float away with the next passing breeze.
Beyond it was a hall blessedly free of that atrocious color. It seemed to wrap around the entire castle with many doors leading into other unknown rooms and corridors. It would be just as easy to be los forever in these halls as in the city. I foresaw having to find my way back to where I started at least twice in the next months. After what seemed like far too short a walk we arrived at a door larger and more opulently designed than all others. I wondered briefly why the king's throne room was so far from the entrance and then quickly understood that it would give ill-intentioned intruders more trouble in finding him. The king was clever, if not also terrifyingly single-minded.
Arrus rapped sharply on the door. The sound his knuckles produced echoed throughout the entire hall eerily. It sounded like the tolling of my doom, but I shook my head and tried to shove my increasingly morbid thoughts from my head. I had been saved by the king's orders. He cares for his country enough to gather us. Such a man cannot possibly be entirely bad.
"Enter." A rumbling voice replied from the room beyond. Mouth dry, I forced myself to swallow the lump in my throat.
"My king, I have brought with me the boy you requested." Arrus spoke loudly as he pushed me forward. I kept my head down and eyes trained on the floor as we approached the man sitting on the throne not twenty feet from us.
After what seemed like an eternity, in which I felt the eyes of a dozen people standing silently in the room, we reached the steps that led to the throne. Somehow the three of us managed to kneel as one, though I did not like at all that I was the point of our triangle. A rustling filled the hall as the king rose to his feet. From my position I could see little more than his ankles, but what I did see was the very opposite I had expected. The king was fat. His shoes, studded with jewels and dyed royal purple, strained to hold in his swollen feet. His ankles jiggled as if even a bit more pressure would cause disaster. The king descended the steps from his throne, allowing more of him to come into sight. Should a man of such weight wear tights? It did not seem as if he cared that his thighs made a peculiar squeaking sound as they rubbed together.
"This is the boy? He hardly seems like a Wielder at all." The king rumbled. His voice rivaled that of Sarj.
"He is stronger than he appears, your highness. The boy has lived his life on a farm." Arrus spoke up for me.
"Seer." The king barked.
"Yes, my king." A woman's voice answered him silkily.
"Perform the test."
"Yes, my king." The woman answered again.
For several moments no sound broke the quiet in the room. Then, without any sort of warning, something struck my back.
"Ah…" I gasped, looking down at the sword point protruding from my chest. When had that happened?
"What have you done?!" Arrus' cry of outrage only barely lifted over the roaring that had begun in my ears. The world around me quickly started to go fuzzy around the edges, as if it fog were settling in. Without much thought in the action I wrapped my hands around the blade.
There's a lot of blood. Merigold should clean that up. My eyes saw the crimson liquid dripping from the steel piercing me through, and it dawned on me all at once that the blood must be mine. It confused me that it did not hurt.
The sword hummed in my hands with something familiar. For a delirious moment I tried to figure out where I had felt it before. As darkness began to fill in the edges of my sight and I fell onto my side I felt large hands start to pull he sword from my flesh. I had to stop that, I decided. I had not yet figured out why the steel seemed so similar. The hands tugged harder. Now this simply would not do. With a gurgled protest I shoved weakly at the palms trying to break my concentration.
Aha! My thoughts suddenly danced with excitement at my understanding. It was the water sprayer. The metal hummed with the same energy as the old tank had when I brought it to life with those meaningless words. Now what had those been..? My limbs were beginning to go numb by now, and I registered enraged shouting from what felt like far away from me. With the very last ounce of my strength I spoke the words that had been burned into my memories for ten years.
"Dou Rahn Beir"
Unconsciousness came with a sense of release. A smiled tugged at my lips as my breath fell from my lungs in what I knew to be my last breath. There was neither pain nor fear, only an overwhelming desire to sleep. Without any resistance I allowed the feeling to envelop me. As if pulled by an invisible force I sank into a deep pool of liquid darkness that promised without words to never let me free.