Richelle Mead owns the VA and Bloodlines series.

Update 7/23/14: There's about 2000 extra words added to the bottom of this chapter after the break.

All I could think for most of the car ride into Court was, how am I ever going to fix what they did to me? You know, in between mild panic attacks and imagining my boyfriend with another woman.

It had been hard enough initiating what I had on the plane. Sure, once my body got going my brain took a back seat, thank goodness, but that first step? It had been like stepping off a cliff. All I could think was that Adrian would hurt me in some way. The same way he'd hurt that girl.

He'll bite you, Sydney. That's all he wants. You let him do it once...

I didn't, I argued with the memory. I didn't let him.

...and eventually he'll go too far, bleed you dry. Then what will all your talent and intelligence be good for? You'll be a statistic, one more cover-up, one more used female body. And he'll have what he wants: immortal life.

That's not what Adrian wants. I knew that.

He's a spirit user, the memory said. We've seen what horrors come from that sort of unnatural power. Just look at that Sonya Karp woman.

Adrian's not like Sonya. He won't be like that. He'd never...

Just like he'd never cheat on you? This wasn't the memory of a conversation past. This was just me, wondering.

I watched out the window as we pulled up to the building the Moroi used as Lissa's home and office. The Queen's palace. It was a warm evening, but a shiver ran up my back at the thought of seeing Lissa. Of seeing anyone. Adrian called my name, asking if I wanted to go to my room first.

My room. The beautiful guest suite I'd stayed in the last time I was here was light years above my cell in reeducation, but was it any less a cell? Hiding in the Moroi court was just a different set of figurative bars, and almost as dangerous. I saw two Moroi men walking in the distance and hated the way I watched them. Making sure they weren't the same men from before, that they weren't coming too close.

I hadn't even been that afraid after the incident, but now, after the alchemists had gotten to me, I was shaking.

"Sage?"

Adrian's voice dragged me back to the car, he'd opened my door for me and was waiting for me to get out. We had no bags, so it was just Adrian and me, and one guardian waiting outside the car to see what I wanted to do.

"No," I said, shaking off my nerves and stepping out of the car. "I want to get it over with."

"Sage..." he said again, his time sounding different. Sad. Hurt? I ignored the pang it gave me.

"Lissa will want to see me right away," I said, knowing it was true. "My blood. I'm guessing you told her it could be used for the vaccine?"

He nodded. "I needed her plane," he said. "She said I needed to stop searching, but I'd found you. So I told her your blood was the key. Which it is, technically. She didn't need to know that any witch could have helped us out."

"It might work," I said distractedly. Part of me was overly anxious at the thought of giving my blood to vampires. It's just a side effect of weeks of drugs and suggestive therapy, I assured myself for what must have been the hundredth time. "The human magic cancels out Moroi magic, like with my tattoo. They kept touching it up, giving me shots of compulsion, but it never lasted long." I saw relief flash across his face. "And it reacts with a Strigoi the same way spirit does," I continued. "If we use my blood the same way we used Olive's, maybe..."

Adrian nodded, leading me through the building, completely oblivious to the turn my thoughts had taken. Olive. She was Nina's sister. Would they be there? Waiting with Lissa to take samples of my blood? Would she say something to me? Would I say something to her?

I'd never been in a situation like this one. I didn't know the etiquette for interacting with the girl your boyfriend kissed while you were locked away in a concrete cell. Adrian had said they talked about me, so she knew. Did she care that Adrian and I were together? Was she disgusted by our relationship because I was human? Nina's sister was a dhampir, maybe that had made her more open to mixed race couples?

I pushed those thoughts away as we approached a set of doors leading into the rec room we'd met everyone in the last time Adrian and I had come to Court. It would do me no good to make myself even more of an anxious mess by worrying about Nina. There were much more important things to deal with before I let myself worry about that. Things like what exactly Lissa expected of me in exchange for sanctuary from the Alchemists.

"Sydney!" Rose yelped as soon as I entered the room, jumping up off the couch she'd been sitting on next to Dimitri. Everyone was sitting around just like the last time we were here, but unlike the last time the TV was off and everyone looked almost as anxious as I felt. Rose threw her arms around me, squeezing me tightly.

I wish I could say I hugged her back and it was a big happy reunion, but the truth was, I tensed just as I would have if a vampire had touched me before I'd met Rose in Russia.

You're in the lion's den, my brain supplied.

I knew, logically, that these people were my friends, but try telling that to my body. My muscles were rigid, just waiting for a chance to rip out of her grasp. My jaw clenched and my teeth ground together. I was surprised I hadn't started sweating. Thankfully, Nina and Olive were not waiting with everyone for us to arrive. I wasn't sure I could have handled that right now.

But Eddie and Jill were there. Jill was practically crying when she rushed over, scooting under Rose's arm to hug me too. Unlike Rose, who may have assumed my rigidity was normal, Jill knew better. She pulled back the moment she realized something was making me uncomfortable, drawing Rose back as well. I blinked back tears and smiled at her, wanting her to know how much I'd missed her and how much I appreciated the gesture.

Eddie walked closer, smiling in a sad way that made my heart hurt. "Are you alright?" he asked quietly, holding back from a hug when Jill gripped his wrist and gave him a pointed glance. Suddenly I wondered if they'd been dating all this time or if they'd chickened out, yet again. I almost laughed when I realized that, despite being subconsciously afraid of these people, I was still thoroughly wrapped up in their love lives.

"I'm alright," I told him, smiling. "I'll survive."

Eddie nodded, but looked stricken.

Lissa approached us with a quiet grace that, if I hadn't known, would have given away the fact that this girl, despite being so young, was a queen. "I hope everything went smoothly," she said, her boyfriend Christian smiling at me from beside her. She had a small frown on her face though. "We've been worried. The Alchemists called before you'd even made it to the plane. I'm so glad Adrian and the others were able to get you out."

"You let them know that it wasn't any of your people involved, right?" Adrian asked, sounding a little nervous. When I glanced back at him, he was entirely focused on his queen.

"Yes, believe me," she said, a regal little laugh escaping her pink lips. "I made sure they knew all of my guardians were accounted for. I don't know if they believed me entirely, but what are they going to do? They did ask about the plane though." Her forehead creased into a small frown between her brows. "I don't know how they'll respond, but I think we should be open about the fact that Sydney's here. Lying about it could only make it worse. It'll look like I plotted against them."

"And what happens when they demand you hand me over?" I asked, wrapping my arms around myself so no one could see how much my hands were shaking. I didn't want the Alchemists to know where I was, even though I'm pretty sure they already knew.

Lissa smiled warmly, her expression full of reassurance. "We have a plan for that. Or, well, Adrian does." I glanced over at him, but he was watching Lissa. "We're going to tell them you're here, but that you know something about the Strigoi vaccine. The Alchemists know how badly we want that vaccine. We're hoping they want it just as badly. Enough to let us continue researching."

"And after that?" I demanded.

"We," she smiled apologetically, "haven't gotten that far. We'll figure out something though, I promise."

The Alchemists won't stop, I wanted to say. They're petty and vengeful and they'll keep coming after me forever. I'll live in fear my whole life.

"Marcus is working on finding a safe place to go," Adrian whispered to me. "Between him and Jackie, they'll figure something out. Don't worry about the Alchemists, okay? They won't hurt you ever again, I promise."

I didn't know why his words made me want to cry. It could have been because he was so sweet, or because I knew he couldn't possibly keep that promise if push came to shove. I wanted to believe him, but I didn't. I knew the Alchemists too well.

Dimitri and Christian both smiled and welcomed me, hoping I was alright. Jill spoke with Adrian in hushed tones, while Eddie stood equal distance between the two of us, looking like he was just waiting for a troop of Alchemists to storm the place. I felt awful that I'd hurt his pride when I'd tricked him that day in the desert, but I refused to regret the decision. Wounded pride was better than a gunshot wound any day.

"Adrian really did it," Rose said, sounding impressed as she stepped up beside me. "He refused to stop looking, you know. Even when it looked hopeless."

My lips twitched up into a small smile, that I'm sure looked more like a grimace because I was about to cry. He'd said everyone told him to give up and he didn't. He'd never give up on me. I'd always known that.

"He cares about you, Sydney. Eddie and Jill, too." Rose grinned. "You've managed to win everyone over, huh? Even Neil."

I looked around the room, like maybe I'd missed Neil's familiar face in the crowd. Eddie, Jill and Rose were the only faces I'd truly been looking for when I entered. "Where is Neil?" I asked.

"Oh, he's off duty. I think he went to visit Olive. He's really been pretty great with her. Dimitri has been trying to help her through, but Neil is a good distraction from the pain and guilt."

I didn't know Olive very well, but I knew how smitten Neil had been with her. I certainly hoped for his sake he was more than just a distraction.

"Nina tries to help, too," Rose went on, then smiled wickedly. "She's been trying to help distract Adrian as well."

My stomach dropped out and an awful hollow feeling spread through me at the mention of Nina. Rose didn't seem to notice.

"I really hope now that things are settled down a little Adrian will give her a shot. I know they got coffee once before he ran off all heroically to rescue you." She grinned. "I think she could be really good for him."

I was really trying not to scowl at her. "I think Adrian should do whatever makes him happy."

Rose nodded, completely oblivious. "I can get behind that, as long as it doesn't involve a distillery."

I took a deep breath and held it in, trying not to scream. It wasn't Rose's fault she didn't know about me and Adrian, and I really didn't feel like filling her in right now. But I didn't want to hear her thoughts on his love life. I glanced over at Adrian, who was still talking to Jill and throwing me sidelong glances every now and then. How could one person make me so ecstatically happy one minute and so angry the next I wanted to rip my own hair out?

Rose must have seen something of my anger in my expression and taken it as the residual effects from reeducation. Maybe part of it was, I don't know. "I'm here for you, you know that, right, Sydney? If you ever want to talk or anything."

I tried my best to smile, but realized I couldn't pull it off without crying. I was too emotional. I summoned up every ounce of cold politeness I had left in me and put on my Alchemist mask. Finally the smile came, though it was probably noticeably forced.

"I know. Thank you."

Rose have me a small smile and walked away just as Lissa approached.

"Sydney," she said kindly, and I really could see concern in those jade green eyes that looked so much like Jill's. "I'm glad you're alright. I know this whole situation is difficult, but I will do everything I can to help you."

With the cold politeness still in place I gave her a less-forced smile. "Thank you for giving me sanctuary here. I know you're going to catch hell from the Alchemists for it, no matter what excuse you give them."

She shrugged, but I could see in her eyes she knew the fallout she was in for even if the Alchemists saw the wisdom in letting me help with research. "I'm glad to have you. What the Alchemists did to you was awful."

"I'm sure you're glad for the opportunity to get your hands on my blood as well, right?"

I don't know why I said it. I owed Lissa. She really was risking a lot to have me here. But right at that moment I just couldn't help it. I was sick of watching selfish people act selfless. The Alchemists, my father, Adrian, now Lissa.

Her eyes went wide and she turned to Adrian who was just walking over. He'd heard what I said and looked almost as pale as Lissa. I was inordinately angry with him after speaking to Rose. I felt like telling him to leave me alone, to go back to talking to Jill or maybe to go find Nina. I'm sure she wouldn't mind his company.

"Sage," he said softly. "Come on. We talked about this."

"Yeah, well, you talk about a lot of things," I snapped. "I don't always know what to believe."

I knew I'd hurt him, but I turned away before I could let myself feel bad about it. Lissa's green eyes were even wider now.

"It's fine," I told her. "The Alchemists were using me for there own purposes too. At least your endgame is for the greater good of everyone, not just yourself."

She nodded quickly, clearly unsure what to say to me. She was scared of setting me off because, at the moment, I was acting completely unpredictable. I almost laughed at that but decided against it. I didn't want to sound manic.

"Well, even so, I really am glad you're okay. And don't think because you're here that means you have to help us. No matter what you do we'll help you. I don't want you to think you're being forced into anything." She smiled weakly and the guilt hit me. She really was concerned. "If you need anything let me know. And if you'd like to help with our research we'd love to have you."

I swallowed hoarsely and nodded. My emotions were breaking through the mask and I had to turn away.

"Maybe we can discuss this more tomorrow?" she said. "You must be exhausted."

I nodded again. "Yes, thank you."

"There's a room for you already set up in guest housing. Rose can walk you down now. And we'll make sure you always have a guardian escort wherever you go." She looked uncomfortable for a moment. "We want you to feel safe here after... after the last time you visited."

The last time I'd visited I'd been attacked by three drunk idiots who'd wanted to drug and feed off of me. The personal guard was a nice offer, but I didn't really want a guardian following me around constantly. Not when it would mean having to keep my distance from Adrian.

Ugh. I felt bipolar with these mood swings. One second I wanted to hurt him and the next I wanted him to pull me into his arms and never let go. I was mad at him, but I still loved him. Dealing with being reeducated would be so much easier if he hadn't kissed Nina. Then I could let myself fall into his arms and not feel like I was acting like a doormat. All I wanted was for my boyfriend to hold me and tell me I was the same Sydney as before and that he loved me. Why couldn't he just do that?

Eddie and Jill said goodnight and that they'd see me tomorrow, and I promised, one last time, that I'd be okay. Rose nodded for me to follow her. She, too, was cautious of my mood swings as we walked toward the door. I turned around as I realized Adrian wasn't beside me anymore. He looked unsure if he should follow or not, wanting to let me have my space. But I felt his absence like a pain in my chest.

His green eyes met mine and I knew he understood that I needed him, regardless of our fight. He turned back to Lissa, acting as casually as possible while my panic was radiating off of me and smacking him in the chest.

"Mind if I snag a room in guest housing too?" he asked, earning a raised eyebrow from Lissa. "My dad and I had a fight before I left. I'd really like to get a good night's sleep before I deal with him."

Lissa did what anyone would do if they knew Adrian's dad. She nodded and told him he could hide out in guest housing for as long as he wanted. Then she leaned in and whispered something in his ear. He nodded and gave her a charming smile before walking out with me and Rose.

Rose checked us in and then asked if it was okay if Adrian walked me up to the room because she needed to take care of some things. It was awkward between Adrian and I as we walked up to my room. He brushed his fingers against me a few times by accident and every time he looked at me apologetically, though there was unmistakable longing in his eyes. He wasn't going to push me if I wasn't ready, I knew that, and I also knew he assumed I wasn't ready. That I didn't want him. The truth was, though, that I did want him, as badly as I ever had, but I couldn't go there yet. Not this soon and certainly not after our fight about Nina.

The thought of him with her made me simultaneously nauseous and desperate for him. Some primal part of me wanted to claim him as mine, but the logical part was mad—at him, at the Alchemists, at everyone. And then there was the part deep inside me that the Alchemists had managed to break. The part that said, "This is what vampires do. They lie and cheat and break your heart."

I was in control enough to see that part for what it was: brainwashed. But I couldn't shake the feeling. It was seeping into that angry part of me, fueling my emotions. By the time I pushed open my door I was over my earlier panic at being alone. Now I was just exhausted.

The room was almost identical to the one I'd had last time I'd been here, down to the heavy furniture and decked out entertainment center. I turned back to see Adrian standing in the doorway uncertainly.

"Sydney—"

"I just want to go to sleep, Adrian," I said, turning away to glance at the bed. It looked warm and soft and all I wanted was to pull on a pair of pajamas and stay nestled between the sheets for... "I don't have any pajamas."

It wasn't meant as a complaint, just a realization that disappointed me. I was more than accustomed to sleeping in the nude. But, as usual, Adrian jumped at the chance to help me.

"Here." When I spun around he already had his jacket off and was unbuttoning his green shirt. My eyes shot wide. I hadn't meant for him to give me the shirt off his back.

"No, you don't have to!"

But Adrian walked over and pushed the shirt into my hands anyway. Our fingers brushed and my breath caught. He must have noticed because his fingers found there way to my cheek, gently stroking my jaw. I turned my face away a little, but grabbed his hand before he dropped it completely. I gave his fingers a small squeeze to let him know... I wasn't sure what I wanted him to know, but I didn't want to hurt him anymore.

He looked hurt and, for a moment, I thought he'd say something, but then he stepped back and replaced his jacket, buttoning it all the way up to cover his naked chest.

I won't lie, the sight of Adrian sans shirt, mixed with the warmth I could still feel from where his hand touched me, had me wanting all sorts of things to happen, and none of them involved him walking out the door. But I couldn't give him anything more right now. I needed to figure out how I felt first. How I really felt.

"I'll pick up a few things for you," he said with a small smile, masking the hurt. I could still see it in his eyes, though. "Some clothes and a toothbrush. I'll drop them off in the morning. Get some rest."

"Adrian," I said, just as he went to pull the door shut. He turned to look at me, the smile still on his face, but now something besides hurt flickered in his green eyes. "I don't..."

There were so many ways to end that sentence. I don't want to hurt you, but I don't know how to be with you right now. I don't know if I can forgive you. I don't know what to do or how to feel. Eventually I settled for one that would postpone this conversation long enough for me to figure out what I wanted to say.

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep."

No emotion crossed his face. No hope, or pity. The hurt was gone. He just nodded once and said, "I'll be back in a half hour then."

True to his word, a half hour later he knocked on the door. I'd changed into his shirt after he'd left, but hadn't tried to fall asleep. I was afraid of what dreams would come once I closed my eyes. I was afraid this was a dream and it would end and I'd wake up back in my cell. I wouldn't be able to handle it if that happened. I'd break, once and for all. Sydney Sage would truly crumble away to nothing.

Adrian walked into the room, placing a few bags on the bed, before glancing at me. I saw him swallow when he noticed I was wearing his shirt, and only his shirt, but he quickly composed himself.

"Got you a toothbrush and some toiletries." I peeked into one of the bigger bags and pulled out a pair of khakis in my size. "And some clothes I thought you'd be comfortable in," he continued. "There's a pair of pajamas in there too, if you want them."

I folded the khakis and placed them back in the bag, before looking up at him. He was staring at my legs, specifically the part of my thighs where the hem of his shirt reached. The hunger in his eyes stirred my own hunger for him.

I'd been thinking about it since he left. Trying to figure out why the Alchemists teachings were still bothering me after Marcus broke the tattoo. I'd realized a few things. One was that Marcus had broken the compulsion which had been forcing me to believe the things I'd been told. But, even though I wasn't forced to believe them, they were still there in the back of my mind, like a parallel reality. I loved Adrian, but I was also told to fear him. Having him confess to kissing Nina probably hadn't helped me overcome that brainwashing either, but I knew it could be done, because of the second thing I'd realized. The schizophrenic feeling I'd had since I'd seen Adrian in the courthouse was fading now. Whatever the Alchemists had done to my mind, it was fading. I'd have my mind back soon enough, and when I did I knew I'd kick myself for hurting Adrian.

I was angry and hurt, but I didn't fear him. I didn't want to break up or fight anymore. I could understand why he'd done what he had. I was even sure that, once I felt better, I'd forgive him. I knew, despite what that brainwashed part of me was saying, that Adrian would never cheat on me under normal circumstances. But still. I wasn't ready to forgive him yet.

I picked a bag up off the bed and placed it on the floor. Adrian moved the others next to it. All it took was a look and then we were wordlessly climbing into bed together, Adrian kicking off his shoes and jacket, but leaving his jeans on. He didn't make any attempts to touch me as I curled on my side, but I could feel the heat of his body next to mine under the blankets.

I wasn't sure how long we'd laid there in the darkness after he'd turned off the light. I was sure he could tell I was still awake, just like I could tell he was. It felt like an eternity before the mattress shifted under his weight and he scooted closer to me. I reached behind me, grabbing his hand and draping it around my waist.

Maybe I wasn't ready to forgive him, but I was ready to start trying.

###

Even with Adrian's arms around me, my nightmares wouldn't stay away. I woke up in the middle of the night, drenched with sweat and shaking. I'd dreamed of Dr. Alvarez's sharp brown eyes. I'd dreamed I was freezing to death, naked on the concrete floor of my cell. I'd thought it was real.

I took a few deep breaths, willing myself to believe in this reality. The one where I was at Court, warm in Adrian's arms and shirt. I shifted so I could look at him, make sure he was real. But, as always, it was difficult to believe someone so beautiful could possibly be real. His sculpted face was pale and peaceful in the moonlight coming in through the window. I reached out to stroke his cheek and he stirred.

"Sydney—" he mumbled, blinking slowly awake. "You okay?"

I wasn't sure what to say. I wasn't okay, but I couldn't talk about all the things that weren't okay right now. But I also couldn't lie to him, so instead I simply leaned forward and pressed my lips to his.

It was something I'd wanted to do since getting into bed, but hadn't worked up the nerve until this moment. Maybe because I was still worried none of this was real. No matter how upset I was with him, kissing him still felt the same way it always had. We weren't all over each other like I'd expected whenever I imagined our first night back together. That made sense, though, considering our fight on the plane. I think we were both still too afraid to push things. But his lips still moved steadily against mine as he crushed me closer to him.

Finding out he'd kissed someone else—that he'd almost had sex with her—had turned the world upside down for me. I was angry about it, but, I realized, more than that it had made me feel for the first time like I wasn't sure where I stood with him. I'd accused him once of having conquests and trying to make me one of them, but I hadn't really believed that that might be the case until now. The bigger part of me knew that I was more than that to him. He'd been through a lot, we both had, and we were bound to make some mistakes. But I couldn't shake the thought that he could move on so easily if he wanted to, and I didn't think it was all coming from that brainwashed part of me. Could I do the same? If it came to it, would I be able to move on from him?

I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to that question. Either way it made me feel heartbroken inside, like what Adrian and I had might not be as special as I thought. That was the part that really bothered me. That our epic love affair might not be so epic after all.

He kissed me slowly, waiting to see what would happen next. That's what I'd been doing since he told me about Nina, waiting to see how this all played out. It was what I'd been doing since the compulsion was broken in Utah. Hell, it was what I'd been doing since before the Alchemists sent me to reeducation! I'd been waiting my whole life and I was tired of it. I didn't want to wait one more second for him.

In one fluid motion I rolled us over, then pulled my shirt over my head. Adrian's shocked expression as I began unbuttoning his jeans made me want to smile, but I didn't. Instead I helped him strip off the rest of his clothes.

Our progression was still slow and steady, like something obvious. Something inevitable. The feel of his skin against mine as I clung to him was the only thing I needed right now. I hadn't realized how much I needed this. Not sex, exactly. Just Adrian. Just the wordless connection we had when we were together like this. His mouth met mine over and over again and I twisted my fingers through his hair. It was like our bodies were made for this, for each other. We didn't need to go over all of our problems right now, we'd have time for that later. Right now was made for enjoying our time together—not fighting, not thinking about the bad things that had happened to us.

After so much time away from him it was strange to discover, only after finding him again, how much I'd missed him. It was a physical ache inside me when he was gone and only now that we were together again could I feel it. It felt like a hole had opened up inside of me and he was the only one who could make me whole again.

When we were done and he lay next to me, his head on my chest, rising and falling with the rapid beat of my heart, I felt better than I had since that last morning we'd spent together in his apartment. There was something about Adrian that set me at ease. Something that made me feel safe and strong, while somehow still making me feel like I was completely at his mercy. I'd do anything for him and I knew he'd do anything for me. He'd proven it, hadn't he? He'd fought against everyone he knew to find me. He'd made mistakes, sure, but could I really say I wouldn't have made them too in his shoes?

Just the thought of Adrian being taken away from me was too much to bear. Of not knowing where he was or if he was even okay. I'd had it rough in reeducation and it'd left it's mark, but what would it have been like to be the one on the outside, the helpless one trying to save the person they loved? My broken heart felt like it was breaking all over again, but this time it wasn't because of anger or hurt or disappointment. This time it was because of love and sympathy. I fought off the brainwashed thoughts that this was what he'd wanted, for me to fall into his trap again. There was no trap, there was no darkness! The only thing Adrian wanted from me was love and acceptance.

I ran my fingers through his hair, closing my eyes as both of our breathing calmed down. "I love you so much," I whispered, and a shaky breath escaped with it as I fought back my tears.

I felt Adrian's breath catch and he lifted his head from my chest to look at me. His eyes were red and watery and for the first time I realized he was crying. My bare skin was damp from where his tears had fallen. I pulled him to me, wrapping my arms around him and he clung to me in return.

"I thought this might have been goodbye," he whispered, his voice rough and still out of breath. "When you woke me up. I thought you might be done with me and this was just... you know. Goodbye."

I looked at him, horrified that he could even think something like that. Goodbye wasn't a thought that had even occurred to me. Not a permanent one, anyway.

"Why would you think I was capable of saying goodbye to you? I've tried before, remember? But I always end up coming back." I smiled a little and felt tears of my own slip through my lashes. "I love you. I'm upset about what you did, but I understand why it happened. I've been thinking about it and I can't say I wouldn't have done the same in your shoes. It sucked in reeducation, but if our roles had been reversed... Adrian, I don't know how I would have kept going if it was you in there and I couldn't get to you."

"I betrayed you," he breathed.

I shook my head. "No, betrayal would have been if you left me with the Alchemists because it was easier to find a new girlfriend and move on. Betrayal would be if you cheated on me now or if you hadn't told me about Nina at all. What you did was a mistake, born out of desperation and grief. If it was betrayal I wouldn't forgive you for it."

And I did, I realized. Forgive him for it. The hurt was fading. Not gone, but I knew it wouldn't go away that easily. It would take a while still, but we'd be okay. We'd be back to the way we were before all of this. I'd be back to the way I was before.

"Sage..." He sounded torn, like he wanted me to forgive him, but also wanted me to punish him for his crime. I placed a hand on his cheek.

"I love you so much and I have no idea what I would've done if you'd been taken from me." I repeated. "I might have been in reeducation, but I still had you." I lifted my hand from his cheek and moved it to rest over top of my heart. "I had you here, where it matters. You really were my flame in the dark, Adrian. Guiding me through everything the Alchemists were doing to me."

"What did they do?" he whispered softly, almost like he couldn't bring himself to ask any louder.

I tried to hold it together, to tell him, I really did. In the grand scheme of things, what they'd done hadn't been so bad. I was here, I was me again, I was safely wrapped in Adrian's arms. I could feel his heart beating against me. But for some reason, I kept imagining the look on Adrian's face after I told him. He'd look heartbroken for me, and furious on my behalf. He would hurt because I hurt and that knowledge stole my voice from me.

He pulled me closer, knowing I wasn't ready. Somehow he always knew. That was how I knew the part of my mind the Alchemists brainwashed was wrong. Adrian loved me. He knew me better than anyone.

"Are you happy?" he asked softly, after a few moments.

"Yes," I smiled and nuzzled my cheek against his chest. "No matter what else is going on, this will always make me happy. You and me."

He stroked my damp hair, still sweaty from my nightmare and our recent activities, away from my face and kissed my forehead. "That's how I feel. No matter what happens, you're the only person I want. You're the only one I'll ever want."

"I know," I whispered honestly, and closed my eyes. "I know."