Hot water rained down on me while I stood there with my hands braced against the wall, head bowed. The hour of running in fresh air, with music blasting from the headphones, shutting the world out, had been freeing and the heat now was relaxing my aching muscles, washing the tension and the strain the past days had left away and this very moment… I felt ease spread throughout me. The steady and monotone sound of the falling water was almost hypnotizing, working extra calming and half a sigh, half a moan passed my lips and got lost in the wet rhythm.

I was home. And I still couldn't believe it.

I was back in the house that had been my home for the past three years. It had been our bed I've woken up in… and in John's arms… those arms which had held me throughout the whole night, like uncountable nights before. And now John was down in the kitchen, getting the breakfast ready. All those things were familiar and new at the same time, maybe because not long ago I had been sure that I would never be allowed to have all this again. And to be with John.

Johnny…

I breathed his name while my mind began to wander…

Softness, all around me, and warmth. Soft skin against mine. A beloved scent, mingling into every breath I took. There was a tender caress, trailing up and down my back and I followed this caress, drifting towards being awake, because for the first time in days I didn't want to hide within the black oblivion of sleep.

Savoring the feeling of the gentle rising and falling of John's chest, I nuzzled my face against it and listened to his soft breathing and the faint beating of his heart. A sigh of contentment escaped my lips, while my arm circled John's waist in a possessive hold.

"Morning," John hummed and I could hear the smile in it.

It made me smile, too.

"Morning…" I replied quietly and… and breathed a kiss to the nearest patch of soft skin and it left a fuzzy feeling in my chest that I was really here, lying in his arm.

That being here with him hadn't been a dream.

A soft chuckle made my head on his chest bounce a little, but I loved to hear the rumble the soft laughter left in his chest.

"You kept me awake half of the night with your constant snoring," he murmured, stopping his caress to pull me closer instead.

I loved it.

"I never snore," I muttered grinning, hooking a leg behind his.

I felt him move a bit, before a kiss was dropped to the top of my head.

"Oh yes, you do snore," he said as he lay back down. "A tiny, apologizing version of cutting down the rain forest." His fingers began to travel over my back again, resuming the caress. "And I love it. You know… it kept me awake half of the night because I wanted to hear it."

There was suddenly a faint tingling washing through me at his words and I couldn't help but look up to him, finding his eyes closed and a tender smile on his lips. One I wanted to taste. I really wanted to… but somehow I didn't dare. And it was silly, wasn't it? He'd kissed me last night and then those tiny kisses just moments ago… so why couldn't I just lean in and steal that kiss I so wanted this very moment?

And then I watched as the smile on his lips became even more tender if possible as he whispered: "I love you, Ran, so much."

I took those words and wrapped them around me like a shield, knowing that John would never say them if he didn't mean it. And because there had been a certain… distance… between us after getting up, I pulled them tighter around my shoulders. After crawling out of the bed, we had shared the bathroom while brushing our teeth, like we'd done all the time before. But there was no kiss following, at least no real kiss, only an almost shy kiss to my cheek, before he said that he wanted to take a shower. But he didn't invite me to join him. Not one word, no outstretched hand. Not even a gaze. He just stepped under the falling water and… showered. In silence.

I tried my best not to read too much into it, because we had showered alone often enough in the past and maybe he just needed some time to… I don't know. After those disastrous days it was no wonder that he couldn't go back to normal just like that, was it? I couldn't do that, so why should it be easier for him? No matter if we had spent the night in the same bed, that I have been sleeping in his arms. Or that he kissed me and told me that he loves me. It was just too fresh. And so I decided to go out running to clear my mind and give him some time for himself.

And now Stephen would come over for breakfast. Not really what I had wanted though. A morning with John alone, to sort things out was what I had hoped for, no matter how afraid I was of that conversation. I wanted to get over with it and take the next step towards our perfect life together.

But we could talk later, couldn't we? Now that we had all time in the world… And maybe John really needed a bit of time. Time I would give him. As much as he needed…

Stepping out of the shower, I began to towel myself off, my gaze sweeping the room aimlessly… before it stopped at the mirror. It was blinded by the steam the hot shower had left in the room and while I stared at it, I felt the urge to… touch it. Slowly I wiped a hand over the satin-like looking surface, clearing a broad line. Small droplets of water ran down from it, leaving thin paths in the blind veil. The man who gazed right back at me looked very different to the one I had seen in the mirror in the past days. Better. Not devastated anymore. Still tired though and the bruises on my face were pretty dark already and I guessed it would take some time until I could look at me without seeing evidence of all that almost had happened.

But then my eyes found something else in the reflection. The hickey. It hurt to see it and I couldn't imagine how John must be feeling to see it. Lifting a hand to my neck, I covered the dark mark, willing it to vanish. A silly wish, wasn't it? But I really hoped that it would be gone fast.

I still couldn't believe that Sam had done something like that. It was so unlike her… That conversation was another one I was afraid of, not because of what she might say to me, but what I might say to her. She… she almost destroyed my life. John's life. Our life. But I could not not talk to her about the whole incident. And about her father and about… Ally. John didn't want to hide us being together from the world forever and now… after almost losing him I… I also didn't want to hide anymore. I wanted to show the world that he was mine. But I was also still afraid that I could lose Ally.

Another stony path was lying ahead, but this time I wouldn't have to walk it alone. I knew John was there with me and if anyone in this world could fix the mess that was my life, then it was him.

The image the mirror showed was slowly misting over again and with a sigh I wrenched my eyes away, threw my clothes on and went down to the kitchen, being greeted by the sound of John and Stephen talking as I made my way down the stairs. For a moment there was quietness and then John's voice, hushed. Barely audible. And again, quietness. For no apparent reason there seemed to be a strange mood hanging in the air.

I stopped as I reached the kitchen, standing in the doorway while taking in the image I found there. John, holding Stephen in a tight embrace. Stephen… leaning heavily on John with his arm around John's waist to hold him even closer.

They were… close. Very close. Too close.

And I told myself that it was absolutely ridiculous to be… jealous. But I was. The green eyed monster emerged from out of nowhere and reared its ugly head, filling me at lightspeed, and I wanted to go over there and tell Stephen to fucking stop touching John. No, no… this went far beyond being absolutely ridiculous. This was Stephen, one of my… our… best friends. I had told him to take care of John, hadn't I? And this… was just an embrace. Nothing more, nothing less.

Swallowing the jealousy down, I asked quietly: "Am I disturbing you?"

Stephen flinched a bit and drew back, out of John's arms and I could swear that there had been a fleeting expression of guilt on his face. Or maybe I had just imagined it. I smiled at him, but I decided to just stop smiling as it jarred the split on my lip, rewarding me with a stinging pain. I heard a heavy sigh, followed by a hug from Stephen only a blink later. My arms came up automatically to hug him back.

"Don't scare us like tha again, yer idiot," he muttered and his voice dropped to a whisper as he added: "And don't blow this up."

"Not gonna happen," I replied ruefully.

And fuck, I'd rather die than ruining this again.

Only a moment later the hug ended and my eyes immediately swept over to John, who was busy getting a coffee done for me. There was a tiny, tender smile on his lips, barely visible but there. Somehow the distance which had been lingering between us this morning seemed to be gone and my heart began to beat a little faster as I realized it. The love which was bubbling in me anyway bubbled over for a few heartbeats, leaving no space for any kind of jealousy. He sat the coffee on the table, before he came over to me, scrutinizing my face. And then he ran a tender finger over my bruised cheek and stretched up to place a careful kiss on my ruined lip. It could barely be called a kiss, but it was sweet.

The breakfast was filled with talking about safe topics, but Stephen, he was noticeably… quiet. Almost disturbingly quiet. I tried my best not to show that I had noticed it, but I couldn't help but feeling strange about him being so obviously not himself. Usually Stephen was the good-mooded, funny type of guy, but today… not. And then… those glances he threw at John and suddenly it was back, that ridiculous jealousy.

And it stayed throughout the whole breakfast, stayed even after Stephen had left. I stared down on my third coffe, brooding over it. And over me. Not that I wasn't jealous when it came to John, good God, I was and had always been. Badly jealous. But when it came to one of our best friends, yet… something had changed between the two of them. I couldn't quite grasp what it was though.

John had started to clear the table, the sounds faint in the background as I turned my thoughts back and forth. I didn't even notice that it fell quiet behind me. Only when hands settled on my shoulders, gently kneading my muscles there, I snapped back to the here and now. Straigthening up a bit, I dipped my head back and it found a nice place against John's chest. He gazed down on me with a cute little smile and I couldn't help but smile back at him. His baby blues were sparkling. I loved it. And yes, the distance was definitley gone.

"Why are you brooding?" he murmured and frowned lightly.

The sparkling in his eyes stayed. So beautiful…

Pursing my lips, I muttered: "Stephen. He seemed to be… strange? He wasn't himself. Any idea what's wrong?"

I could have said: He looked at you in a way I don't like and I also don't want him to hug the dear life out of you, because that's my goddamn job. But maybe I it was better to wait if John knew what was going on with our big Irish man, before I put silly ideas on the table. The cute smile on his lips ceased as he pressed his lips to a thin line and his eyes dulled a bit as his gaze swept over to the opposite wall, almost as if he looked into the past.

"He…" John began, falling quiet for a moment, before he heaved a heavy sigh. "He is in love."

Now it was my turn to frown.

"Shouldn't he look all happy then? Being in love usually means walking on cloud number nine with pink bubbly hearts dancing all around you."

Shaking his head no, John replied: "It's difficult. He's in love with a man."

The frown on my face gave way to staring up at John wide-eyed as two things happened almost at the same time.

Stephen? In love with a man? What the fuck? I thought and I hadn't even finished thinking this when the next thought followed. John.

I didn't say anything. I actually couldn't. I only kept staring at my John, until he looked down at me at the lack of response, blinking confused.

"Don't tell me you're shocked that he's in love with a man," John laughed softly.

"I… a bit, yeah, but…" I started, but trailed off. No more secrets, I had promised that to John, and so I swallowed and just said what was on my mind, adding quietly: "Is he in love with... you?"

The blue eyes above me widened almost comically, before John laughed again and leaned down to place a kiss to the tip of my nose. He moved to straddle my lap then and my arms immediately wrapped around his waist as he once more he kissed my bruised cheek.

Mine.

"No, I'm not the one he's in love with," he assured me as he drew back and met my eyes with an unknown expression lying in his own. "No need to be jealous. And even if… I love you, Ran. I'm not gonna let you go again and nothing and no one on this world can squeeze between us. Okay?"

And because I could, I buried my face in the crook of his neck, breathing his scent.

"Who is it?" I asked then, nuzzling my face against the soft skin there.

Broad arm circled my neck, fingers played with the short hair on its back, causing waves of goosebumps to wash over me and I rewarded him with a purr. Gosh, this was so good… John hummed lowly and I felt that hum vibrate in his chest and I pressed closer, because I wanted to feel it roll through me.

"It's Phil."

My sound of surprise was muted by his neck, but he caught it nevertheless.

"A hard nut to crack," he sighed then and I thought that there was a good chance that this nut couldn't be cracked at all.

I wished for Stephen that there was at least the tiniest of chances, but to be honest, I doubted it. We were talking about Phil Brooks here. And call me a texbook example of an egoist, but this very moment all that counted for me was that he didn't fancy my man. Now that this was out of my system, the next question waited to be asked.

Leaving that wonderful place in the crook of his neck, I leaned back, because I wanted to see his eyes as I asked: "Johnny? This morning… you seemed to try to, you know, keep a certain distance and I… uhm, did I do or say something… wrong?"

Obviously I had touched the right spot. He averted his eyes and began to chew on his bottom lip and if the situation had been a less serious one, it could have looked cute. But now it just told me that something was bothering him.

"I'm sorry, John-John," I said just above a whisper, without even knowing what it was I had done… or said. "I'm sorry for… whatever it is I have said or done, okay? Just… don't be angry."

That made him look up at me again. He shook his head slightly no, leaning in to rest his forehead against mine.

"You didn't do or say anything wrong, Ran," he said, almost sighed. "I just needed some time to get my head straight. Don't worry. Really." He breathed a kiss to my lips. "I thought we could talk a little about everything when I come back from Phil's place."

Another tiny kiss, leaving me craving for more.

"Phil's place? You wanna talk to him?" I hummed, angling my head a little to brush my lips over his.

"Wanted to get your stuff." Kiss. "And put out some feelers. Stephen told me that Phil freaked out this morning and maybe I can find out what's going on." Kiss. "So? You ready for some talking afterwards?"

Kiss… and nails, lightly trailing over my nape… sending a tingling down my spine.

"Yeah," I whispered and brought a hand up to cradle his head.

I kissed him. And this short moment in time was… flawless. Quiet hums got lost between sealed lips as our tongues fell into a familiar dance. The kiss was sweetness. It was tasting like something completely new, yet it felt so wonderfully like home. It freed a bright and fluffy feeling of joy in my chest, made my heart jump in happiness and it made my body hum, like his kisses used to do, pumping him through my veins. There was John's taste on my tongue and his scent filling my nostrils. And I wanted to drown in it. In him.

But all too soon he broke the kiss, silencing my tiny sound of complain with sweet little pecks on my lips.

"I gotta go," he murmured against my lips. "I'll hurry."

And with another peck on my lips, he slipped out of my arms and left the kitchen. I got up and went over to the front door, perching on the counter as I watched him get ready. With a last kiss and a bright smile on his lips he said his good-bye. And then he was gone, leaving me alone and counting the minutes until he would be back.

For a moment I kept sitting on the counter, listening into the quietness of the house. Memories. Everywhere. I heard them whispering to me. Good memories which slowly but steadily silenced the bad memories I had caused and left in here in. Slipping from the counter, I walked over to our family portrait, passing the counter in the living room on my way there and I had to smile as the memory of our first kiss floated through my mind.

I took the picture from its place, looked around for the phone and found it on the coffee table. My fingers closed around the small device. With my eyes fixed on the picture, I made my way to the utility room, closed the door behind me and climbed onto the washer. The next memory crossed my mind, taking me back to that moment when John had been standing here, right in front of me… only heartbeats away from kissing me…

Sighing, I placed the picture on my legs and… dialed Sam's number.

Staring at the happiness on the picture, I waited for her to answer the call. I wanted to get over with this as fast as possible to get it out of my system, to give myself the air I needed to focus on John. Her voice sounded hesitantly as she finally answered the call and I guessed that she had seen the caller-ID, maybe expected John to be the caller.

"Why, Sam?" I asked lowly and heard her gasp quietly.

I couldn't even bring myself to say hello to her.

There was a short pause in which I could hear her breathe and just the second I wanted to tell her to fucking spill it, she…spoke.

"I don't know why," she all but whispered.

And suddenly I felt a certain rage burn in my guts. I had to swallow hard to keep it down there and I had to keep calm if I didn't want this conversation to end up ugly.

"You almost… destroyed my life. Our life," I hissed. "I could have lost John."

Silence. But not for long.

"Just like you and John destroyed my life three years ago," she said then, hurt lacing into her voice.

"Payback, Sam? This was all about payback? You let me stay after I screwed up and used the chance, huh?" I replied, close to growling.

Running my fingertips along the frame of the picture, I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down. I couldn't believe that she did that to…

"No, I didn't do that to pay you back," she sighed, the hurt now replaced by a note of exhaustion. "I just… I don't know. I don't even love you anymore. I guess I haven't thought anything at all that moment. But… you're back home now, aren't you?" Again silence for a moment. Then: "I'm sorry, Randy. I don't know what else to say. But I mean it. I'm sorry."

I wasn't sure that no reason for doing what she had done was better than the idea that she wanted to pay me back. The fact that there wasn't a reason why she had done it made it in fact somehow worse, because it meant that I could have lost John because of… nothing.

"I think it'll be better if you don't cross John's path for a while," I sighed down the line. "Listen, Sam… I need you to promise me something."

A whispered yeah reached my ear and I nodded to myself, while I trailed a finger over John's image. I needed her help if John and I made the step to stop hiding from the world.

"John and I… we want to make it official," I said slowly. "Promise me that you never try to take the shared custody for Ally away from me. And promise me that you won't let anyone else try to do it."

A dark a part of me expected that she would end the call now. She did not and I thanked God for it.

"I promise, Randy," she replied softly, sounding so much like the woman I had loved once. "I would never take or let someone take her daddy away from her. That's not gonna happen."

"Good…" I murmured, lifting the picture up, I pressed it against my forehead. "I gotta end the call now. Give Ally a kiss from me."

Again I heard a whispered yeah, before I ended the call, dropping the phone on the laundry beside the washer. I still felt the rage deep within me, crying to be released and I couldn't hold it back any longer. I screamed… screamed at the top of my lungs and that rage left my throat raw and burning. I screamed until I had no breath left and for long seconds I sat panting on the washer, staring at the opposite wall and… I felt relief wash over me.

Eventually I cradled the picture against my chest with a sigh escaping my mouth and a smile on my lips and I drew my knees up, hiding my face against them as I waited for John to come back home…

A review or two would be much appreciated!