Running was something I could always rely on. The constant beating of my feet against the tar and rhythmic breaths in and out, it was something stable. When I ran, my mind cleared itself, and all I could think about was the finish. My shoes hit each step and vibrated up through my calves to the knee brace that wrapped its way around my right knee. I only wore it when we ran on the track, the tar irritated my tendons more than grass or dirt because the steps were so sharp. Sharp but constant.
Conditioning the day after prom was a joke. More than half the team wasn't there, having taken the choice to sleep in instead of going to first period. Robb was there, but he had a major headache and had fallen behind me ages ago. Jaime was to, but he was only there for moral support, and he timed my miles for me. My fastest mile today had been seven minutes and ten seconds, and Jaime had whooped when he recorded the time. We had gone back to our normal routine. He didn't ask about my break down yesterday and I didn't ask about the punch. No questions asked, we were experts at ignoring problems.
Well, I was more of a master of ignoring problems. Renly to be exact. I had stealthily hinted at coach that we should run, that way I didn't have to talk to him at all if I didn't want to. And I hadn't said a word to him. I had lapped him twice now, and he was slowing down, or I was speeding up. Maybe if I ran fast enough I could escape my problems. I showed up early so I wouldn't have to lace up my sneakers with him or see him in the locker room and now I was desperately trying to think up ideas of how I could avoid him again.
Once I had reached Jaime and what we had deemed the finish line on my sixth mile coach waved me down and I slowed to a walk. He muttered that I needed to walk the track once to cool down, which always bothered me but I did it anyway. I wiped the sweat off of my face as I walked and now that I wasn't running all of my problems caught up to me. Renly passed me once and flashed a grin, but I didn't return it, focusing on the black tar. Coach let me go early, which solved my problem of talking to Renly and I went on with my day.
First period, Chemistry, Margaery was looking still worried but didn't question it. Sansa asked about the after party but I didn't want to talk about it and Margaery filled her in. I told myself that I would tell Sansa everything that had really happened later. I had changed my mind; it was not the time to tell Renly I was gay. None the less the day trudged on, from Statics to AP English and back again. I buried myself in homework at Jaime and I's dorm instead of hanging out when anyone between practice and the end of the school day.
All in all, I was doing a successful job at completely avoiding Renly. I didn't want to face him, in the daylight everything was completely different then how it had been last night. Everything was stark and out in the open like how he had hugged me. And how he made out with my sister. I cringed every time I saw the mental image of the two of them, but as I pulled my socks up over my shin guards in the locker room and tied my cleats into a neat knot I knew it was time to face the music. I couldn't avoid Renly for much longer; it was killing me to have not heard at least one bad joke today.
I was fishing around in my locker for my mouth guard, it had fallen out of its normal zip lock bag I had it in. They were a pain, but coach made us wear them. Something about dental health and not wanting us to lose teeth. I always thought it was stupid, the pro soccer players don't wear them and their kicks are twice as high and hard, why do we need to wear them? Anyways, I was picking up sneakers and shirts and deodorant trying to find it when I almost sensed Renly's presence behind me. It was time to face him. I turned slowly, as if expecting him to punch me. Which would have made no sense, we had made a kind of peace treaty last night after I had snapped at him. But I guess I might have broken it by ignoring him all day. Renly stood with his arms crossed, not a sign of a smile on his face. He knew I was ignoring him.
"Looking for this?" He held up my mouth guard, chewed and gross on the edge of one of his fingertips. I ran my fingers through my hair, exasperated.
"Where did you…?"
"You left it on the field when we were doing extra practice yesterday," Renly stated, dropping it into my palm. "I was going to give it to you after prom yesterday before you gave me the cold shoulder." He said, arching an eyebrow at me, as if he expected me to explain myself.
"I just haven't been feeling well," I lied, "Sorry," It sounded lame, and Renly knew it. He snorted.
"Bullshit, you're fine," He waved to me, looking me up and down, "You're not even dizzy from the punch any more, otherwise you wouldn't be practicing today." Renly had me cornered. Literally and figuratively. Everyone else had left the locker room and he was standing in front of me, forcing me to lean against the lockers and bench. I had no excuse for ignoring him; there was no way out of this. I didn't want to come out to him in some smelly locker room, but it looked like my choices were lessening by the second. I bit my lip, and I watched Renly's eyes follow the movement.
"Renly, look, we really need to talk," I started. This was not how I imaged it, but then again in all of my visions it ended with his lips on mine. And by the glare Renly was giving me I don't think that was what was going to happen. Renly arched an eyebrow at me as if telling me to continue. I opened my mouth and then shut it again, this wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This was all wrong.
"Talk about what?" Renly piped up quickly, having taken notice of my silence. I pressed my hand against the cold metal of the lockers, my heart thundering in my chest. He looked so annoyed, not caring and sweet like I normally saw him. We never got into fights.
"It's something really personal," Renly's face softened a little bit and he unfolded his arms. I was scrambling for words, waving my hands around. How do you even come out? What were the right words to say? "Look, I'm, uh," I scrubbed my hands through my hair again, feeling the sweat form at the base of my neck. Why was this so hard? "I'm-"
The door slamming against the side of the wall spooked me and I jumped, scooting away from Renly and towards the door. Jaime stood there, holding an extra pair of goalie gloves in his hand. Renly moved to stand behind me and Jaime threw the gloves to him, I narrowly avoided getting hit in the face by stepping to the side and backward, effectively slamming into Renly's chest. He caught the gloves smoothly and turned his head to look at me. I felt the blush spread across my cheeks as Renly shifted his weight and his hips brushed against mine.
"Renly if you ever want to play goal correctly it's time you stopped chit chatting and got on the field." Jaime growled, snapping me out of my trance and motioning outside. Jaime turned and stomped out of the locker room leaving us in silence once more and I stood frozen, pressed flushed against Renly. He shifted once more and I gulped and went to move away. I jumped as Renly's hand grabbed my hip, holding me in place.
"Don't." He murmured in my ear, quiet enough that only I could hear, even if no one else was there to hear us. I wasn't sure if he was telling me not to move or not to have bumped into him in the first place but my heart was racing to fast to make a real decision.
I'm not sure how long we stood there, it felt like ages and I was aware of everything. The way Renly's hand gripped my hip, holding me against him gently and how every time he took a breath it pushed me forward slightly. His shoulder curved around mine slightly as he held my hip and his breath felt like fire. Every time he breathed out it pushed my hair from where it had fallen in front of my ear and send goose bumps trickling down my neck. I pushed against his hold eventually, it must have been less than a minute but I could haw swore we stood there for ages. I looked at him over my shoulder and he stared back.
"I know what you were going to say," He said, almost too quiet for me to hear and I almost thought I was imaging it. I looked away quickly, leaving him behind the door and jogging to the field, not looking back to see if he was following. I didn't want to come out to Renly, but I might have by accident because I didn't pull away from him.
It had felt to right to do such a thing.
Thursday had arrived far too quickly and Renly and I didn't mention the locker room, we just fell back into our normal routine. This was the day of the game that would decide our fate and I was too jittery to joke around with any of the other guys on the bus to the game. I chose instead to press my cheek against the cool glass of the bus and bounce my leg up and down. I tried to block out Theon, Gendry and Renly's jokes from the back of the bus but it was hard, and it was starting to get on my nerves. How could they be so carefree at a time like this, we were already running late, there wouldn't be enough time for us to warm up properly. I was all nerves as coach yelled at us to get ready on the bus because we wouldn't have time when we got to the school.
I scrambled to find the right socks and shin guards and tried to block out the dried sweat smell that came from every body's shin guards. And after a few collusions with Robb in the alley of the bus as we both tried to tie our cleats at the same time the bus stopped and coach stood, motioning us to follow. I think we looked like the least intimidating team as we left the bus because Theon hooked his foot on the last step in front of me and slammed into Robb's back. Renly tried not to giggle behind me but I shot him a look to tell him not to. We didn't want anyone to be embarrassed going into a big game, it screws with how you play.
Thirty minutes later after a very rough warm up session we were ready to go. Robb, Jorah and Jon made up our strikers, Gendry as our one midfielder; Stannis, me and Theon as the three defenders with Renly in goal. We had lost the coin toss, so we weren't starting with the ball but we had gotten to pick which side of the field we wanted to take which I was thankful for. The sun would be right in anyone on the other side of the field's eye while it was behind us so it wouldn't bother me.
I was playing center defense, which I almost never did. I was always on the left, but Stannis had taken my place on the left, while Theon was on the right. But coach had put me there because it was key that a center defender was able to have the other defender's backs if they got beat by an offender and I was the fastest of the three of us. Hence why I had been moved to center defender.
I bounced from foot to foot, feeling too nervous to stay still. I heard Renly laugh from behind me.
"Calm down, Loras, it's going to be great," He winked at me and I quickly looked back to the top of the field where the ref was explaining something to Robb and the other center striker. Every time I looked at Renly all I could think about was the locker room. And I didn't want to think about that right now. The ref blew the whistle and I popped my mouth guard into my mouth, taking a few steps forward. Robb made a brilliant interception to the ball when the other center striker failed to kick it quickly enough to his team mate. Robb was off down the field in a flash, keeping the ball close to his feet before passing it smoothly off to Jon.
Stannis, Theon and I moved up closer to the fifty line mark, just in case there was a break away. But other than one time when one of their midfielders took the ball from Jon and took off towards us and I tackle blocked him before slamming the ball back down towards the net I wasn't touching the ball much. Robb, Jon, Jorah and Gendry where doing a good job of keeping the ball on their side of the field and eventually about thirty minute into the game Gendry of all people tapped one of Jon's bad aimed kicks right into the goal, scoring us one point. Coach subbed Rakharo in for Gendry who was starting to get pretty tired and the game continued.
That was about when it started to go downhill. I ball flew by Stannis and I hadn't expected it to which sent the striker for the other team and me racing down the side lines towards the ball. I got there before him, but it barely gave me enough time to get my feet around to the right side and take off. Before long the two strikers double teamed me, leaving me with no options. One of them stole the ball and was off before I could do anything in return. Luckily Theon was backing me up and got right on them. Unluckily someone had left the third striker wide open on the other side of the field. Cleanly they passed it over to him and he shot on goal. The shot curved in midair, much like how Robb's do, and hit the net's upper left corner. Leaving Renly standing looking confused.
"It's okay, you'll get it next time," I yelled to him, muffled around my mouth guard. I was trying to be positive to block out Jaime's negative yelling from the side lines. Renly still looked a little upset, and being positive didn't seem to be doing much good because in the last fifteen minutes of the half they got another two goals past Renly, who was starting to give up. Coach brought us all in, but Jaime grabbed the three defenders and Renly. Renly shuffled his feet, looking at the ground.
"You sir, are standing there looking like a deer in headlights," Jaime pointed an accusing finger at Renly, "Every time the ball comes past the thirty you freeze, wake up!" He cuffed Renly on the head, light enough to not hurt him but hard enough to tell Renly he meant business. Then, much to my surprise Jaime rounded on me, stabbing a finger into my chest. "And you, mister Tyrell, are doing a crap job of being a center defender. If the ball comes down the right side, Theon gets it, not you! Same for the left! Stop ball hogging!" Jaime glared down at me and I clenched my teeth together to stop from retorting back at him. "Now, go, go," He shooed us back out onto the field. I clapped Renly on his shoulder and followed him to the goal.
"This is hopeless," Renly murmured once we got there. I shook my head.
"No, you got this, just pretend you Jaime the goalie not Renly the striker," I sighed, "He's right, you're being to tense, loose up, it will help you get to the ball quicker." I managed to flash him a smile before I returned to my spot for the start of the second forty –five minute half. Jaime's pep talk must have helped Renly some because the next shot on goal he caught and smoothly hit the ground. I whooped and helped him up, smiling widely.
"There, see, you can do this," I said firmly before Renly kicked the ball cleanly across the field, right to Jorah who took it quickly down towards the goal. He crossed it to Robb who in turn passed it over to Jon. They ping-ponged the ball around for a bit before Robb took a shot on the goal, which unfortunately hit the top cross bar of the goal and rebounded back to Jon. It took them a few tries but eventually Robb faked the goalie and the defenders to the right before kicking it smoothly into the left. We were now 2-3, with the opposing team in the lead and thirty minutes left. That was plenty of time for us to get one more goal, or for them to get another one.
Jorah slammed one in from the side lines about fifteen minutes later and tied the game up. From there it was a stand off, neither one of the teams really breaking past the other's defense and mostly just kicking it around to each other. Coach called a time out with seven minutes to go. We huddled around each other but coach waved for Renly to just stay in the net.
"There is no way we want a tie," He growled, "A penalty shot shoot out isn't in our best interest," He growled, motioning towards Renly. I hadn't even considered that, but he was right. In the case of a tie against another team you had to do a penalty line shoot out. Which was basically the goalie verses a striker who kicked from the penalty line. No defenders, just a striker and a goalie. And in our situation with Renly in goal, that was exactly not what we wanted.
"So get goals," Robb breathed out, panting heavily with sweat sticking to his forehead. He didn't say it as a question, it was a statement. We jogged back out to the field, Robb looking determined. At first I thought he was going to be so determined that he would get a goal within the minute of the time out, but then a defender tackle blocked him thirty yards from the goal and he stumbled, falling down. Because Robb wasn't recovering back quick enough and with only one midfielder between the defender and the offensive line I took off forward. Leaving my defensive position to play a kind of back midfielder position. Coach was yelling at me to get back but I was sure this was going to work. Gendry, who was now back in as our midfielder, tried to tackle block the defender but it didn't work and the defender kicked it up forward towards his striker.
As quick as I could I darted forward, now past the fifty yard mark and intercepted the pass. Jon yelled that he was open, waving his arms. Just as I was getting ready to pass it off to him the striker that I had intercepted the pass from was on me, pushing to get the ball. Grunting I tried to dodge him, but he came from the side. I saw his elbow come towards my face just as he stole the ball. He hooked me on my nose, which was a rude move because it was obviously still bruised and broken from before.
Ref called a foul and I cheered even if my nose was throbbing. This was our number one chance. Because it was a major foul I was allowed to slam the ball wherever I wanted and if it went in the goal it counted. Robb was screaming something and so was Jon and coach but my world slowed down. Almost sluggishly I looked at the clock, only two minutes left to go. I backed up slowly, surveying. I was about thirty yards from the goal, there was no way I could kick it in from here. But Jorah had inched closer to the goal and was waving his arms to let me know he was there.
In the moment that I wound up for the kick nothing mattered. Not the locker room, or prom, or how I was in love with Renly. All that mattered was that ball. And I think that was why I liked soccer so much. It was an escape.
I slammed the ball, watching it arch up and then down right in front of Jorah. Jorah jumped and head butted it right into the goal and the whistle blew. I think I actually screamed, but I couldn't tell because Gendry was jumping on my back and hugging me yelling something in my ear. Renly appeared out of nowhere in the mist of all of us jumping and yelling and he grabbed both side of my face. His finger cupped my ears and his thumbs brush against my cheekbones, holding me firmly. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me. And he might have if Robb hadn't body slammed me to the ground, whooping and messing my hair up.
We played the last minute of the game with halfhearted passes and wide smiles. The other team had basically given up and when the buzzer went off we all crowded around coach who was smiling even if he never did.
"We're going to championships," Jon said almost breathlessly.
"We. Are. Going. To. Championships." Robb mirrored from across the circle and I whooped happily. This was all I ever wanted. Championships, a full ride soccer scholarship to college, A+ grades.
There was only one problem. And its name was Renly Baratheon.
On the way back from the game I sat alone again and most of the team fell asleep shortly after the bus got back onto the high way. Renly was sprawled out in the seat across from me, his legs up on the bus seat and back against the window, sound asleep. I watched him carefully, as if staring at him would reveal all his secrets to me. Renly had kissed Margaery, but then turned around and held my hip in the locker room, followed by the face grabbing on the soccer field. I wasn't sure if he wanted Margaery and I was just picking up the signals wrong. I watched his face closely, how his cheeks were full and his skin was perfectly clean. Even in his sweaty soccer gear I still found him attractive, his jersey was hanging a little bit to the right and I could see his collarbone poking out. In sleep and soccer gear he was perfect.
But I still couldn't figure out what he wanted. Maybe he wanted both Margaery and me. Maybe the 'don't' he had threatened me with was simply him telling me he didn't want me to play the silent game with him and while I had felt aroused by the grip on my hip it might have his way to threaten me. Or maybe he hadn't want me to come out to him and that's what the 'don't' meant. God, what if he was embarrassed to have a gay best friend? Better yet, a gay best friend with an obvious crush.
"Hey, stop staring at him; he's going to think you're checking him out." Robb poked his head up from the seat behind me, resting his arms on the back of the seat. Right, no checking Renly out.
Thou shalt not check out thou's best friend.
"Sorry," I muttered, looking up at Robb, "He's asleep anyways, the only one who will be creped out by me staring at him will be you," I said. Robb never slept on the bus, I have no idea why. But everyone else was out. Except for Jaime who I could see had his earbuds in and was staring out the window in the back of the bus.
"So, are you and Sansa dating?" Robb piped up, swinging out of his seat and into mine. I needed to have a serious talk with Sansa about everything that was happening, but it didn't looking like that was going to happen any time soon. Tomorrow morning Renly and I were taking off for the peak, and there was no way I was going to see her at nine at night when we got back to school.
"Uh, no, we're just friends," I said in response to Robb. He quirked an eyebrow.
"Friends who kiss?" I had forgotten he had seen that happen. I pushed a piece of hair out of my eyes.
"No, well yes we did kiss that one time but we are not dating," I finished. Robb looked unconvinced but fell silent staring ahead. I gulped; I did not want to have this talk with Robb. He looked back to me eventually. "Just trust me, we're just friends." Robb nodded before moving back into his own seat, leaving me to stare out the window again as the dark woods rushed by.
I had decided on the ride home that it was time to come out to Renly. We needed to stop playing this game. It was time to come out to everyone.