Sakura didn't know why she was surprised.
"You really listened to Dickless?" Sai monotoned, as he placidly stood by the gate next to Sakura.
Sakura sighed heavily, and slapped herself on the forehead. "Of course…" she groaned, pressing her fingers to her temples and shutting her eyes tightly. The hope that closing her eyes would blind everyone else to her shame was asking too much, however. She opened her eyes to see Sai staring expressionlessly back at her.
"Sai's right, you know" Kakashi intoned kindly from behind her. "We aren't even going through Sound. This mission is for us to go back to the Land of Snow, to do a personal favor for Princess Kazahana." He turned a lazy eye in Sai's direction. "Sai, you weren't with us the first time, but she asked for our team specifically."
"Well, that deteriorated fast" Sakura deadpanned, as she bent down to pick up her travel bag on the ground.
"Don't worry, you two. We can wave at Sasuke in the Land of Sound from the deck of the ship as we pass." Kakashi called as he shuffled past Sakura.
'Maybe you can see Sasuke-kun closer when I throw you off the boat, geezer!' Inner Sakura growled as Sakura gently dusted off her travel bag and situated it over her shoulder.
"Are we taking the boat from the Land of Iron again, Sensei?" Sakura looked over to her borderline-neglectful teacher with what she hoped came across as youthful interest and not murderous intent.
He hummed in the affirmative, and started to meander off in the general direction of the Land of Iron.
"Wait, wait!" She heard Naruto screech from behind her, lugging a gigantic travel bag.
"Where have you been, Naruto?" she asked tiredly, knowing already that she didn't even want to hear the answer.
Naruto prattled on for what seemed like ten billion years while they made their way to the Land of Iron, about some sort of packing mishap and not having enough room to pack instant ramen (she didn't even have the energy to start on what was wrong with that). She was grateful when they finally reached the border and Naruto's attention was temporarily diverted to the unlucky civilian in charge of documenting their identities. She took a moment to embrace the temporary blessed silence while Naruto harassed the living daylights out of someone else.
"Enjoy your stay in the Land of Iron!" the civilian chirped happily, in so small part because she would finally be free from Naruto's oppressive cheerfulness. Sakura could sympathize, but now Naruto's attention was fully upon her again. Why can't Sai or Kakashi ever entertain him for me? She asked herself exasperatedly, kicking ferociously at the dirt in front of her.
As if answering her silent (but entirely obvious) plea, Sai started an argument with Naruto about his nickname. Strangely enough, Naruto didn't like being called "Dickless". 'Alert the media', Inner Sakura stated wryly, before going into a long rant about the general injustices of being a kunoichi subjected to Sai's complete social ineptitude, Kakashi's obvious indifference, and Naruto's relentless optimism. It was enough to tear a lesser person apart.
'Lucky I'm so fabulous!' Inner Sakura brushed imaginary dust off her top casually.
Indeed.
The general attitude of her group was as cold as the glistening snow on the ground as they marched with grim determination towards the coast. When they arrived in a town close to the coastline, Kakashi signaled them to stop. He meandered into a hotel, and herded his irritable students into the hotel room they would all be sharing.
"We'll rest here for the night" he said sleepily. "Our boat leaves tomorrow. So we can grab dinner and get settled, and leave in the morning."
Sakura took a good long look at the town around her and giggled happily. It was a cute town, and it looked to be full of shopping opportunities. Towns near the ocean often were, as they were great tourist destinations. And since the Land of Iron was about as safe as it got, they had all the nicest stuff.
'Now we can get cute stuff and rub Ino-pig's face in it! Chyaa!' Inner Sakura shouted victoriously. Sakura only grinned in response, and gave her sweetest look to her sensei as she dropped her bag onto the floor where none of her inept teammates would trip over it and fall on a kunai. "Sensei, is it all right if I take a look around? I'd like to do some exploring while we're here, and maybe some quick shopping."
Kakashi shrugged, and flopped haphazardly onto the largest bed. He pulled out a book. 'Icha Icha Paradise, again? Doesn't he know Icha Icha Bondage is out now? Stupid Sensei.' Inner Sakura scoffed, and Sakura wanted to nod her head in agreement. Speaking of which, there had to be a store in town that had it in stock. Reading scandalous materials would doubtless speed the hideous amount of time they would be spending on the boat.
And maybe rattle her Sensei a bit. That would be amusing, at least. Maybe she could get him to beg to borrow her copy.
She grinned and waved at her teammates as she exited the room, humming happily to herself as she planned her attack upon the unsuspecting merchants unlucky enough to do business here.
Sasuke was thoroughly unimpressed by Sifu's idea of a "tactical exercise". Though to be fair, he was 99% sure that his sensei had only used that particular wording to trick him out of the house and into a nice town where Sifu could get some shopping done.
Sasuke supposed that sitting in a tea house was not the absolute worst way he could have been spending his day, but it still didn't sit well. And Sifu had excluded him on purpose, depositing him in the tea house under the very attentive eye of its middle aged female proprietor. She evidently thought Sasuke was "cuter than a kitten's pink nose".
Sifu, of course, had helpfully addressed the woman directly, informing her that he was very concerned for his nephew's well-being while he was out doing the shopping. Evidently Sasuke was "emotionally vulnerable", "shy", and "thoroughly deprived of hugs".
The tea house owner was doing her level best to fill the gap of hugs in his life, one drop of water in the ocean at a time. Thank Kami for that, he mused grumpily as he nursed his lukewarm oolong tea. He gazed solemnly out the window, watching the people walk by on the street.
Pink hair, Sasuke noted clinically, before going into temporary shock and diving behind the curtain separating the teahouse from the owner's home. He cowered behind the curtain, and was only slightly surprised when he heard the owner coming back to check on him.
"Honey, are you all right? What happened?" She cooed, pushing his hair around in a reassuring manner and squeezing him tightly with the other arm.
"I just saw a girl I knew" he mumbled, knowing pulling away was about as futile as trying to get that baka Naruto to leave him alone. Besides, if he played this right, he might escape this village without having to be seen or captured by his incredibly useless former team.
She brightened slightly. "Do you want me to go get her? You shouldn't be so shy, you know. You're a real cutie, if you just asked them out you'd have no trouble at all." She stood up and winked down at him, offering her hand to pull him up.
That was not the reaction he had anticipated.
He could follow his mentor's example and use an emotional ploy. He'd never done it before, but Sifu had done it in front of him enough times that he thought he could handle it. He was always amazed at how well it worked, especially considering that Sifu was at best a harmless-looking old man and at worst a terrifying war criminal hiding from the authorities.
But Sasuke was an Uchiha. It was below him to use such underhanded and idiotic tactics.
On the other hand, the honorable Uchiha path led straight to Naruto and being unceremoniously hauled back to Konoha over Kakashi's shoulder like a sack of rice flour. Or worse, being embarrassed by having to ask his geriatric companion for a rescue.
That didn't seem very honorable to Sasuke, and even less appealing. Then again…
He was the last Uchiha. And seeing as he was suddenly head of a household of one, it might be time for a few changes. Especially if it worked. Emotional manipulation did seem like a common and capable tool for a shinobi. When he thought about it like that…
He shook his head frantically, and shrunk down into the floor. Time to emulate Sifu, he thought gladly, momentarily offering a thanks to Kami for finally finding him a role model who wasn't as socially handicapped as Naruto with a bullhorn.
"No, not that girl" he choked out pathetically, reaching out towards his potential savior with the same look Sifu had used when he had unceremoniously dumped him here. "You don't understand. She…"
"She what?" the woman asked anxiously, carefully accepting his outstretched hand, and leaning down to offer him a generous view of her cleavage. 'Kami, Sifu is smart' Sasuke grinned inwardly.
He rooted himself into the floor and mustered the most pathetic look he could, before staring her straight in the eye.
"I liked her" he whispered, hoping he could get through the sentence without laughing, "I told her how I felt, and she…"
"Yes?" the woman whispered, moving closer to him and putting her other hand over his, which he gripped lightly.
"She laughed at me." He whispered again, moving his glance away from her face, down across her cleavage, and down to the floor. He didn't think he could look her in the face anymore without losing it. "She told all of her friends, and they all laughed at me."
It was amazing to watch how fast the woman went from sympathetic to being filled with a blindingly hot rage.
"You stay right back here" she stated calmly, though Sasuke could almost see the anger radiating off her skin. "I'll go take care of it, if she comes in here."
"All right" Sasuke whispered as sadly as he could muster, choking on the laugh that threatened to bubble up his throat.
She directed him to the living room of her home, where Sasuke was much more content to wait out the entirety of Sifu's trip on her couch, watching television and sipping on the hot cocoa with marshmallows that the owner brought back to him intermittently. The plate of cookies was pretty nice too.
Sifu evidently knew even more than Sasuke had suspected.
After safely depositing his adorably grumpy student in very capable hands, Iroh finally felt safe to begin his long and well-deserved shopping trip. He had already rented a wagon and driver to help them bring their purchases back to the house, so everything was ready.
He deposited the books he'd found for Sasuke into the cart carefully, and gave directions to the driver to pick up furniture he had already purchased.
Oh, Sasuke would be so surprised. Partly because the best part was yet to come. Iroh didn't have many clothes, and Sasuke had even less. Most of Sasuke's were completely unwearable, due to singe marks and close calls with kunai, not to mention his clothes with his clan's symbol on them. Iroh had finally convinced Sasuke to stop wearing them for the time being, but that would be difficult if those were the only clothes the boy had.
If only he knew how to dress a thirteen year old boy. How was he going to do that? He knew better than to drag his recalcitrant student into a clothing store.
Then, a ray of sunlight appeared, cutting the fog of his confusion.
"Hello" Iroh waved cheerfully at a pretty young girl with pink hair.
Startled, she looked up at him, and blushed. "I'm sorry, miss" he apologized sweetly, carefully trying to maintain the guise of a hapless elderly man, "I was just hoping you could help me."
She smiled, and Iroh couldn't help but wish Sasuke had any interest in pretty girls like this. It would be much easier for Iroh to help him with.
"I'm sorry, sir" she cocked her head to the side, "I'm not from here. I don't think I'd be able to help you."
"Ah" Iroh felt disappointed, but it wasn't really much of a setback. "I was just trying to pick out clothes for my nephew. His parents passed away, and I am afraid that I don't know how to take care of things like this for him. I thought since you were about his age, you might be able to help me…"
"Is he with you?" she asked, suddenly much more interested in the conversation.
"Not currently" Iroh admitted, waving his left hand off in the general direction of the teahouse. "He's not very interested in such things. He's a very good looking boy, but he has demonstrated little interest in his personal appearance as of yet."
The girl nodded sagely, and pointed at a clothing shop down the street. "I'll try to help you, I just got most of my shopping done anyway."
"I can see that" Iroh stated calmly, acknowledging the piles of shopping bags around the girl's feet. "Do you need any help carrying that? I have a cart and driver I've hired to bring my goods back to my home."
Sakura had a new sense of respect for the elderly man in front of her. Bringing a cart to do your shopping was certainly the way to do it. All she had were two lazy teammates and an even lazier sensei. Of course, she'd brought a few extra storage scrolls just in case, but still.
And picking out clothes for a boy wouldn't be the worst way to end her day. She now had enough cute outfits to officially give Ino a conniption fit, and enough smut to last her through a year-long siege.
'Besides, it lets us pretend to pick out outfits for our adorable Sasuke-kun!' Inner Sakura chirped happily.
It was actually a lot of fun.
Uncle Iroh (and she didn't know why it didn't seem odd to call him that, he just seemed like everyone's uncle) was quite clever and rather entertaining. He seemed absolutely mystified by many of the ninja fashions they had on display, and Sakura had a large amount of fun explaining their actual uses. He was obviously a civilian, but he was able to follow her line of reasoning and various recommendations.
She found a really cute white traditional style shirt, with slashed sleeves and blue hakama, with a blue shirt to go under the white one (Kami, boys were ridiculously cute in traditional clothing). She replicated the outfit in a few other colors, and found much more workout clothes. Uncle had been accepting of her suggestion to buy some ninja fashions as well. She had reasoned that even if he was just learning to be a samurai, mesh underclothing and other basics for clothing would not be amiss.
They ended up with a gigantic pile of clothes for Uncle's obviously useless nephew, and were on their way to take their selections to the clerk when Sakura saw it. She dove towards it with all the intent of a predator, nearly knocking over Uncle in the process.
A kimono top, woven of blue and pink silk. It was the perfect combination of sexy and functional, mesh underwiring under a thick layer of strong silk. The sleeves were deceptively large, for storing kunai and shuriken. The fabric would be nigh-impossible to tear, it was full of pockets that wouldn't leave unflattering (or obvious) bulges… 'Sasuke-kun couldn't possibly deny our incredible beauty in this! Chyaa!' Inner Sakura cried out victoriously.
Sakura inched closer, pulling the price tag out so she could see the exact cost of Ino's will to live.
She slumped pathetically onto the ground. It was beautiful, it would look amazing on her, and it would be practical for her work. It also appeared to cost more than Konoha's economic infrastructure.
Sakura didn't know it was possible to be so heartbroken over clothing. She would have sold every dress she owned to be able to wear that top. She would sell Naruto to be able to keep that kimono top. (She'd throw in Sai and sensei for free and trot along home happily, while she was at it).
'Just how much is a loudmouthed jinchuuriki worth, anyhow?' Inner Sakura asked contemplatively.
She heard someone clearing her throat behind her, and turned bashfully to meet Uncle's concerned gaze.
"It's… really pretty" she offered weakly.
Uncle giggled, and held his hand out to her. She took it halfheartedly, and he pulled her to her feet.
"You've been very kind to help me" he said warmly, inclining his head towards the top in question. "It would only be fair that I repaid the favor."
'Victory for the beautiful Sakura yet again! Ino-pig, eat your porky heart out!' Inner Sakura crowed, and Sakura entirely agreed.
The victorious kunoichi, by far the most beautiful and clever of all in the land, (with a forehead that was totally cute and not oversized at all) graciously allowed her new best friend to treat her to that kimono top and a gorgeous set of matching hairsticks that she would have modified into weapons when she had the time. While they were at it, Uncle Iroh brought over a half-length kimono with a similar aesthetic in spring colors. She noted that he wasn't nearly as bad at this as he'd claimed to be.
And he appeared to have no budget, which was even better.
As they left the store with approximately half of their merchandise, both Iroh and Sakura were humming happily. 'You know Sakura, I've always said that the only thing better than finding what you need, is finding something you didn't need at a great bargain!" Uncle Iroh stated, putting all their bags neatly in the cart.
"Are you sure you aren't related to the Haruno clan in any way?" Sakura grinned.
"Oh, Kami, no" Naruto whispered, when the door swung open to reveal none other than Sakura Haruno, with ten bellboys struggling to carry bag upon bag of purchases.
"Does Hag really make enough money for all that?" Sai asked Naruto curiously, cocking his head to the side like a baffled puppy.
"It's best not to ask about any of it" Kakashi said firmly but quietly, never removing his eyes from his book.
Of course, it was rather hard to avoid talking about it, as the sheer number of bags soon threatened to drown them all in a sea of plastic.
"I got you all something!" Sakura said smugly, glowing beatifically in a manner that Kakashi knew only led to trouble.
"Really, Sakura-chan?" Naruto bit at the bait, making Kakashi wince. 'At least I always know where the weak link is,' he considered sadly.
"I know that your higher body fat keeps you warm, Sai-kun, but I was still concerned, so I bought you a long shirt" Sakura brandished said garment like the weapon it was, before thrusting it at Sai.
While Sai was busy inspecting himself for any sign of excess fat, Sakura turned to Naruto, who evidently had no idea what was coming.
"And Naruto, I bought a very nice outfit for you. I know blue and white aren't really your favorite colors, but I thought it would look very nice on you." Sakura laid out the same kind of outfit she'd gotten for Uncle Iroh's nephew. It was such a cute outfit, she needed to see someone in it. "The blue really works with your eyes" she smiled sweetly, as Naruto's eyes grew wide. He immediately snatched it off of the bed and ran to the bathroom to try it on.
Now it was Kakashi's turn, and he was in turns interested and terrified. Naruto seemed to have gotten a nice present. Sai had, too, but it came with a whip-like insult. He steeled himself for the inevitable, and turned away from his book to meet her eyes like a fellow predator.
And failed miserably. She looked amused, like she was a cat, and the mouse she had designated for dinner was trying to fend her off with a toothpick. She got up, and handed him a smaller bag. "This is your present, Kakashi-sensei" she said sweetly, but Kakashi could hear the subtext in her voice.
"So I take it the shopping trip went well?" he ventured timidly, right hand twitching behind the cover of his book.
"Oh, yes" Sakura said smoothly, folding a kimono combat top (and wasn't that new) into her travel bag. "I met the nicest older man, going shopping for his nephew, and we had a nice chat. Obviously, I found all sorts of wonderful things" as she gestured to Sai, subconsciously pulling his belly top down "and there was a woman in a tea shop who threw boiling hot water at me. I've never seen a civilian with killing intent like that." She pursed her lips as if in thought. "It was a bit impressive, but I easily escaped into the bookstore."
His blood froze in his veins. If she always got this awful after going shopping, he was going to burn the Konoha market to the ground. He didn't think the Land of Fire could take it.
He hesitantly opened the bag to find the newest Icha Icha inside. His head shot up quickly to meet her gaze, and she just continued to look expectantly back at him.
"Thank you" was all he could muster, trying to compute that Sakura had essentially just bought her sensei porn.
"It's a long boat trip" Sakura shrugged, as she turned to sort through the rest of her haul. "I thought you might need it."
Iroh whistled happily as he and Sasuke went about the long and arduous business of unpacking a wagon-full of purchases.
Sasuke was somewhat less excited.
"Why did you buy so much, Sensei?" Sasuke grumped, as he grabbed another armful of his new clothes to bring to his room.
"Oh, a pretty girl helped me. It was hard to tell her no" Iroh chirped. He unpacked his own sets of clothes, and began to put them into his dresser. "I believe she was from your village, the Hidden Leaf, is that right?"
He heard Sasuke freeze immediately, and poked his head out of his bedroom. "Don't worry, Sasuke. I didn't tell her who I was shopping for, and I do not believe she saw you."
Sasuke breathed a heavy sigh of relief, before opening one of the packages to view his new clothes. "Yeah, Sakura does know how to shop for clothes at least."
"Do you like them?" Iroh asked seriously as he eyed his young charge.
"They seem like nice clothes" Sasuke agreed hesitantly, "and they should be good for working in. She has good taste."
"So you know her well?" Iroh asked knowingly, as Sasuke tensed up like a cat about to hiss at an intruder.
"She was on my team. So, my team was in the town with us." Sasuke said shortly. "I saw her while I was in the teahouse."
"Oh?" Iroh inquired, rather interested in the turn of events. "Why didn't you talk to her?"
Sasuke looked at him like he'd just bitten the head off a snake.
"She was on my team. They'd haul me back to Konoha, and either kill me or have me under house arrest." Sasuke turned away, suddenly very interested in the seam of his new shirt.
"She has a sharp eye, how didn't she see you?" Iroh asked. He knew that Sasuke evidently hadn't been enamored with his teammates, but he could hardly imagine a thirteen year old willingly ignoring his only friends.
"I ducked behind the curtain and I told the shop owner that Sakura dumped me like a sack of fish heads." Sasuke stated sourly, throwing shirts haphazardly into his room.
Iroh couldn't help it. The laugh bubbled up into his throat and right out of his mouth. "So I take it you learned something from me after all?" he gasped happily, grasping at his chest and struggling for air.
Sasuke gave a slight, crooked smile, and turned to look him in the face. "Perhaps. She believed me and fed me cookies and hot chocolate all day while I laid on the couch in her house."
That was really impressive, actually. Though the kid's natural good looks certainly didn't hurt matters insofar as women were concerned, Iroh conceded. Still. "That's very impressive, I'm proud of you." He beamed at his student, and Sasuke glowed right back.
"I'd never been good with girls before" Sasuke conceded quietly, looking down and away from Iroh a bit.
"Ah, but you are now" Iroh stated in a contented manner, as he leaned down a bit to look directly at Sasuke.
"Well, they followed me around a lot, but I didn't really like them. I couldn't get rid of them, either." Sasuke clarified, to Iroh's great amusement.
"We all have our burdens to bear" Iroh said, trying to contain the smirk that wanted to spread itself across his face. "Was Sakura one of those girls?"
Sasuke nodded quietly, and turned to contemplate the many mysteries of sleeve seams again.
Hi, people who are reading this! I wouldn't normally update in one day, but today happened to be fairly good for writing. Lazy Sundays, who knew?
In any case, thank you for taking the time to read my story. If you would be able and willing, I would love to hear from you! It's nice to be able to get feedback. Thank you again!