Disclaimer: I don't own the Host.
A/N: This was is going to be angst filled and one that, if written well, will leave you clutching a tissue to your chest... Lets hope luck is by my side on this one.
P.S: This is going to be really, really long.
Wanda/Ian
Title: Catch Me When I Fall.
Wanda's P.O.V:
I couldn't wait until Ian came home from work today. I looked over at the pregnancy test on the table and my heart swelled with happiness, so much happiness that I thought it would burst. We'd been trying ever since we had gotten married but never succeeded. That was little under 2 years ago. We had been on the verge of considering me unfertile much to my disappointment and were intending on adopting but this would change everything.
I bounced around the kitchen, preparing dinner like I usually did but this time I had a spring in my step and I turned on the radio, humming along to some music from 10 years ago, I hadn't heard some of these songs in a long time.
Soon after I had the dinner served on plates, I took a look at the time. Ian still wasn't home, did I start too early? No, Ian was late... Hmm... That was unusual, Ian was never late. Even though he was only late by ten minutes I started to worry.
Ten minutes turned to fifteen, and fifteen minutes turned to twenty. And then finally Ian entered the room quietly. I glanced up and dropped the napkin that I had been twiddling idly in my hands from nervous worry.
"You're late." That was all I said as he entered the room.
"I know," he replied. His face looked pale and worried.
"You should have called me." I answered, this awkwardness felt awful - but it was the closest we ever got to a fight.
"I know." Okay, something was wrong.
"Ian, honey, what is the matter?" I asked leaving my seat to go and stand beside him. I set my hands on his shoulders, just barely reaching them, and made him face me. He didn't look at me though but instead he hung his head in shame. What had he to be shameful about?
"I got laid off at work today." He mumbled.
"Oh Ian..." I pulled him into a hug. Ian worked as a building contractor with his brother Kyle for Walter Cleary but Walter's health had been declining lately and he needed all the money he could get for treatment, resulting in a lot of people being let go.
"Well if it helps, I have some good news." I said, trying to cheer him up. Honestly though, I didn't know if this would make it better or worse.
"What's that?" He asked, more so out of politeness than actual interest.
"I'm pregnant!" I squealed, hoping that my excitement would rub off on him.
"No way, really?" I could tell what he was thinking, 'this is way to good to be true!'
"Yes! I took like ten tests to be sure." I said, staring him in the eye to let hum know that I wasn't messing around.
"Oh my God!" He hugged me tightly to his chest, forgetting his bad news completely. "We need some champagne to celebrate!" I was about to point out that I wasn't supposed to drink alcohol but he was at the door before I could form the words in my mouth.
"Invite Melanie and Jared over and I will be back in a few minutes." He grinned.
"But what about dinner?" I called after him.
"Forget about dinner!" He called back and continued to murmur about how happy he was, I had no doubt that the whole town would know I was pregnant by the time he came back.
Mel and Jared arrived half an hour later, surprisingly before Ian. He was late for a second time that day.
"Congratulations girl!" Melanie squealed, rushing in through the door to hug me. "Where is the daddy?" She looked around expectantly.
"He hasn't come back with the champagne yet, probably too busy telling everyone." I joked.
"I am going to be an auntie!" Mel squealed, unlike Ian and I, Mel and Jared were just enjoying life and each others company. They were engaged but didn't plan on getting married for quite a while yet - or have babies for that matter.
"Yes, yes you are." I giggled. And just when I thought that nothing could ruin my day, not even the fact that Ian lost his job, my phone rang.
"I'd better answer that." I said, excusing myself from Melanie and Jared's company. Unknown number, I wonder who that could be?
"Hello?" I greeted, answering the call.
"Is this Mrs. Wanda O' Shea?" The voice sounded horribly grave and I was instantly worried.
"Yes it is, why?" I asked cautiously, fully expecting the person to ask if I was at home.
"I am so sorry to inform you Mrs. O' Shea, that your husband, Ian O' Shea has been in a car crash." The voice didn't sound very sorry but I guess if it is your job to deliver bad news all the time, you'd get used to it pretty quickly.
"Is he okay?" I cut him off, fearing the worse. The voice hesitated.
"I'm afraid that your husband was killed instantly." I recoiled in shock for a moment and the man on the other end gave me a few moments to recover from the startling news. "I'm very sorry." I retaliated by hanging up on him, I didn't want to hear his apologies, they wouldn't bring Ian back. I didn't want to believe him but I knew it was true.
I returned to the sitting room where Mel and Jared sat on the sofa waiting for me to come back.
"Wanda, what is wrong?" Jared was the first to notice my tears. I took a deep breath, there was no way to avoid telling them.
"Ian... Ian has been in an accident." I felt a lump in my throat and a sob tearing it's way through my chest.
"Oh my God," Mel walked over to where I was standing. "Is he okay?" I shook my head, my blonde curls bouncing around as I did it. Ian liked it when my curls did that... Ian! A pain shot through my heart and in that moment I was fully sure that I could feel my heart crack and crumble.
"Ian is... Ian is dead." And as soon as the words left my mouth, my somewhat calm facade broke and I started to cry and scream. "It isn't fair! It isn't fair!" I wailed, but crying wasn't going to bring Ian back.
Mel looked absolutely heartbroken for me and Jared looked like I had said the world was ending. But all they could do was try and console me and offer their company as comfort.
Just when my sobs seemed to get more controlled the thought suddenly dawned on me: I was going to be a single mother, and that thought alone was enough to make me start howling again. Mel stroked my head and stayed with me all through it though, eventually sending Jared to break the news to Ian's family and to go home while she stayed with me the entire night.
The funeral was a sad affair. All Ian's relatives were there along with a good handful of mine. Everyone was dressed in black and no one had dared to turn up in any kind of colour.
Then, before I knew it, it was time for the speeches and eulogies - that had taken quite a bit of time to organise between deciding who would say a few words and convincing the priest to let it be allowed. No doubt there would be a few tears shed from everyone in this part of the ceremony.
First up was Kyle.
He looked so much like Ian that it hurt. When would everything stop reminding me of him?
"Ian and I have many great memories together." Kyle droned, it was obvious that he had no interest in reading out the speech that his mother had wrote for him. "We were very close and he was loved by many." He seemed to skim down the page and stop in irritation and anger. "This is all bullshit!" He screamed out angrily, tearing the page in two. "The fact is that my brother is dead and none of this crap is going to do his memory any justice." I glanced over to the priest, who just shook his head hopelessly. This is what he warned me would happen.
Jodi ended up taking a broken Kyle outside.
I zoned out after that, and didn't come back down to earth until it was time to bury Ian's body.
The casket had been closed the entire ceremony even though Ian's face was perfectly fine, but I had insisted on it being closed because I couldn't bear to see Ian's lifeless face. The coffin was lifted by Jared, Kyle, Wes, Ian's dad, and some of his uncles and cousins that I'd never met or seen at a distance. As I made way to follow, Jeb fell into step with me.
"Are you okay Wanda?" He asked wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
"Do I look okay?" I snapped sharply. Well it was a stupid question. He visibly flinched at the edge in my voice. "Sorry," I mumbled ashamed at my behaviour.
"Don't be, you should be allowed to grieve." Jeb told me, I didn't answer, I just wanted his company right now. I watched the burial but didn't really pay attention to it. How could Ian abandon me like this?
I stayed at the graveyard while everyone else left. No one stayed, I guessed they sensed that I wanted to be alone and I was grateful for that.
I sat down beside the place where his coffin was buried under. I would have to get a gravestone soon, I didn't want that day to come. It would be like admitting that Ian was really dead and never coming back. I still held on to the foolish hope that they had made a mistake and Ian was coming back.
"I miss you so much." I whispered, it was meant to be for Ian but he wouldn't hear. My speech would fall upon deaf ears or none at all. "It has only been a few days but it hurts so much. Everyone says it will get easier but I don't think it will. Especially with the baby, I bet it will look exactly like you and that will hurt a lot too." I wiped my eyes, not that it matter, the tears just kept on coming anyway.
"I want to say that I'll never forget you, but we both know that's not the truth. All I want to do is forget you ever exsisted so that I can stop feeling all this pain but at the same time I cherish the time we had together like it is gold."
I let out what seemed like a heart wrenching sob - it certainly tightened it's grip and shattered my heart anyway.
"Why?" I screamed, at God, at the universe, at anyone who would listen. "Why out of all people did you take Ian?" I shouted and then collapsed fully on the ground from the effort. I just lay there and cried for what seemed like forever but in reality was only twenty minutes, take or give a little. Melanie came to my rescue as always.
"Wanda? Wanda honey, are you okay?" That stupid question was all everyone could ever seem to ask me. She stepped closer, right next to me and crouched down by my heaped body. Everything was quiet for a moment. "Wanda!" Melanie's gasp cut like ice through the silence. "Wanda, your bleeding!"
"Huh? Where?" I mumbled halfheartedly.
"Wanda, we need to get you to a hospital quickly."
Nothing, I felt nothing.
"Wanda! You are having a miscarriage!"
That shook some emotion into me.
It turned out that I was indeed having a miscarriage and miraculously they managed to save the baby. I stopped listening after that, I just retreated into a world of my own where Ian still lived on and my baby was healthy and safe.
The doctors thought I had depression caused by pregnancy and wanted to treat me and Mel had had to tell them that my husband had died and his funeral had been today but the doctors kept me in overnight because they wanted to keep an eye on me. Oh, I am sure they did.
Melanie, once again, came to my rescue. She managed to prise me out of my shell for a while with magazines and board games. She stayed all night too and even joined me in my murmuring to my baby and left me in peace for my mourning. Melanie was the bestest friend I could ever ask for and I knew for sure who the baby's godmother would be.
Melanie had decided that she was going to throw me a baby shower to 'cheer me up' when I was seven months pregnant because I didn't get out that often ever since Ian's death four months ago. I thought four months was quite a short time whereas she didn't. Despite the fact that I was pregnant I was scandalized that Mel would suggest such a thing. I was still getting over Ian, and I wasn't ready to move on. She had had to convince a furious, hormonal me that she had meant as a girls night out.
I had managed to escape that one, but there was no getting out of the baby shower unless I went into labour and that was very unlikely.
Mel had immediately deflated when she realised that she would have to go with neutral colours instead for blue or pink since I wanted to keep the baby's gender a surprise, but had brightened up when I had told her that I wanted her in the delivery room with me.
"I'll be one of the first to see the baby! ...unless it is still breach." She squealed excitedly, saying the last part sadly.
"Well it makes sense since you are going to be the baby's godmother." I dropped the little piece of information. I didn't want to think what would happen if the baby was still breach so I decided to ignore it. Even if the nurse did assure me that the baby would right itself in the last couple of weeks before birth.
"I know but-" she stopped short realising what I had just said. She turned around and gaped at me. "Seriously?" I nodded. "Oh my God!" She squealed happily. And the whole way home it was all she could talk about.
When we pulled up to my house, I could sense nervous excitement practically oozing off Melanie. I just presumed it was because of the thrill of being there when the baby was born and the fact that later she was going to help me pick baby names with Jared. Little did I know that I was going to find out the real reason when I opened the door to my house.
"SURPRISE!" About a dozen people screamed jumping out of hiding places all at the same time. I had a mini heartattack and felt sharp pains in my gut. Wait... my gut or my womb? Oh no.
"Uh," I clutched my stomach and struggled to stand still with the cramping pain. Then it went away but left me breathless with a small ache as a reminder. Only Mel seemed to realise what was happening.
"Everyone out!" She screeched as the pain came back again. "Pack a bag and I'll grab the towels so when your water breaks it doesn't ruin my car." She said to me. I shot her a glare. "The baby is coming so get the hell out of here!" Mel screeched at the remaining occupants in the room. "Not you Jared, you are staying here with Jamie to clean up."
My waters didn't break long after that and the contractions had been getting nearer and nearer as every minute passed by. When we reached the hospital, I had to have a C section because the baby was still breach and since I was so far diluted I had to be knocked out. I wouldn't get to hold my baby, not even after because he or she would be placed in an incubator. I hadn't even chosen names yet, in fact I hadn't even looked at them! Oh God, I was so unprepared, I was starting to panic, but before I could get in a full scale attack I was whisked away for prepping.
"Wanda O' Shea!" Melanie screamed barging in through the door. I winced and hushed her pointing to my sleeping daughter in my arms. It had taken forever to get her asleep.
I held up a finger to signal that I would be back in a minute, and walked down the hall to lay Ellie into her cot. I stood there watching her sleep peacefully for a few minutes before returning to the kitchen where Mel was standing impatiently waiting for me.
"What Mel?" I asked tiredly.
"Is it true? Have you really been sleeping with Burns?" She screamed. Of course she didn't need me to confirm what she already knew. "How could you?"
"It is my body and I can do what I want!" I screamed back at her.
"Why Wanda? Why?" She whispered.
"Because it stops the pain for a little while." I started to cry but pushed it away.
The baby monitor started to light up and I could hear Ellie's cries.
"Do you want me to -" Mel started to offer.
"No, I think it is time you left." I answered cutting her off.
"Promise me you'll stop Wanda?" Mel pleaded just before she opened the door to leave.
"Okay. I promise." Promises could be easily broken but somehow I think she knew I wouldn't break this one.
"Call me if you need any help." I didn't answer, Mel knew that I probably wouldn't.
As I passed the mirror on the wall as I made my way down to Ellie, I glanced at my reflection for the first time in what felt like ages. My hair was lanky so I had tied it up into a loose bun on the top of my head. My eyes were dull and had black bags under them. My pale skin seemed to have a grey tinge and looked as if it had been stretched over my face too tightly. I wore a baggy jumper and tracksuit bottoms. I looked awful, no wonder Mel was so worried about me.
As Ellie's cries grew louder, I tore my eyes away from the mirror and continued my way down the hall.
"Mummy! Mummy!" Ellie tugged on my leg to get my attention.
"Yes honey?" I asked distractedly.
"Is Auntie Mel coming to my party?" She asked me, continuing to tug on my leg.
"Of course she is, she promised remember?" I sighed, turning around to crouch down to my five years old daughter. She reminded me so much of Ian that it hurt. She had my blonde hair but his beautiful blue eyes, and his personality.
"And you can't break promises." Ellie replied solemnly. Oh, if only she knew, but I was determined to help her hang on to her innocence for as long as possible.
"You can't break promises." I agreed.
"What about daddy? Is he coming?" I winced internally, I should have expected this question.
"No darling, he can't come. Now lets not talk about him." I would tell her about Ian someday, just not until she was old enough to understand. For now, I just struggled not to cry.
"Why not?" She questioned.
"Because," I said, trying to think of a suitable reason. "It is time to make your birthday cake!" She cheered enthusiastically .
"Can I pick the icing?" She pleaded.
"Of course you can." I laughed.
"Whoo hoo!" She cheered as I placed her on top of the counter.
It had been 5 years since Ian had died and in a couple of weeks it would be our wedding anniversary. Seven years. Not that it mattered, we had only spend two of them together.
Mel and Jared had taken Ellie away for the night do that I could have time to let my emotions run free and grieve without upsetting Ellie, they had done this for the last four years, and I was forever grateful to them. My daughter didn't need to see her mummy cry.
"Oh Ian, I miss you." I sobbed into the blankets, clutching one of his old, favourite jumpers to my chest. It was the only thing I had left of him I had given the rest away.
I couldn't take it any longer. My heart had been torn in two and while everyone else seemed to get on with their lives, I couldn't. I couldn't even make my own daughter's life happier, I couldn't take her to parties or watch her recitals because I looked awful and no amount of make-up would take it away and everything would remind me of Ian. It was all just too much.
"Mummy where are we going?" Ellie asked as I strapped her into her car seat.
"I am dropping you off at Auntie Mel's and Uncle Jared's." I answered.
"To ask about their baby?" Ellie questioned.
"Yes," I gave her a small smile. Mel and Jared were getting married next year but Mel had found out she was pregnant a couple of months ago. Both of them were delighted.
"I hope it is a little girl." Ellie chatted away, mostly to herself, but she didn't mind.
I pulled up outside Melanie and Jared's house. Mel opened the door before I had even knocked and I thrust Ellie into her arms.
"Wha-"
"Don't ask any questions but promise me you'll take care of her." I pleaded.
"Of course I will, but why?" Mel asked. I ignored her.
"Remember that I will always love you." I said, tears starting to fill in my eyes. And as I ran to the car, I think she figured it out.
"Wanda!" She screamed.
I ran into the house, knowing that I didn't have much time. Melanie would send Jared after me or come here herself. Thankfully I had wrote my letter yesterday while Ellie was in school. I left it on the kitchen table with Mel's name on it.
I ran into the bathroom and grabbed the razor. This was it.
I hoped Ellie wouldn't hate me, I hoped Melanie would understand, I hoped Jared would take care of Mel. I hoped Jared and Melanie would take good care of Ellie.
I held the razor and then I began to slash at my wrists. It didn't hurt as much as it should have.
"Wanda, no!" I heard Melanie screech, running up the stairs. Her voice sounded awfully distant. She had been too late.
I looked up at her, begging her to understand and then Ian appeared beside me, smiling and offering me his hand. I took it with a smile of my own on my face and then slipped peacefully into oblivion.
A/N: What did you think? Did I succeed? Should I do more? As in Wanda's funeral, Melanie's kid and Ellie's life?