Disclaimer: All aspects of Once Upon A Time belong to ABC and the show's creators.
Ruby was waiting for her when she next rose from her sleep, a stuffed backpack set near her feet. She sat in the chair next to Killian's empty one, watching Emma, clearly unamused. She didn't miss Emma's flicker of a glance towards Killian's empty chair.
"Killian's in the cafeteria. He told me to get him if you still wanted him around." Ruby raised a manicured brow, pursing her lips. "What happened, Emma?"
Emma groaned into the pillows. They were still damp so she couldn't have been asleep for very long. "I messed up." Yeah, she'd mess up big time. Killian was gone, out of her reach in the cafeteria. I'll never leave you, Swan. Well, he hadn't exactly left as she had kicked him out but he was gone all the same. He probably thought Emma hated him. But it wasn't that. Emma just hated herself.
"Well that's clear," Ruby answered drily getting off her chair and moving to sit on the mattress. It moved as she sat, jostling Emma gently but her thoughts were too jumbled to register the pain in her shoulder at the movement. "Come on, Emma, what happened to drive the one person who literally could not be dragged out of here away?" Ruby's voice was gentler now.
"He tried to kiss me and I panicked and kicked him out," Emma murmured, not sure she could say the words any louder. But Emma knew Ruby had heard and understood when she gasped and made a tutting sound, laying her hand on Emma's. She gave Emma's hand a squeeze.
"Emma," Ruby started softly. "Why?"
"You know why," Emma answered. Ruby's gaze flickered to her shoulder and back again. She nodded, almost imperceptibly.
"Emma, why can't you let yourself be happy? Killian isn't Neal. Killian could make you happy. He would make you happy." But Emma knew she couldn't make Killian happy. A relationship was a two way street. She had to give as well as take. Eventually what she had to give, what she could give, wouldn't be enough and Emma would find herself once again alone. It hurt too much last time to risk that again.
"I don't deserve him." Emma's voice broke and she tore her hand from Ruby's to cover her face. "He's too good." Killian was kind and loving and driven. He knew how to care for people in a way Emma couldn't. Killian had seen enough hardship in his life. He didn't need to face anymore trying to be with Emma.
"Emma," Ruby said firmly, pulling Emma's hand away from her face. She grasped Emma's chin, forcing her to maintain eye contact. "You are good and you are loved and you deserve to be happy. You are strong and beautiful and an inspiration. You are brave and tough and even though you don't think so you are an amazing friend. I don't know what I'd do without you. Don't ever believe anyone who tells you differently, who tells you that you aren't worth it, and if someone does tell me and I'll go run them over with my car."
"Did you just utter threats to a cop?" Emma asked weakly. Ruby smiled and pressed a kiss to her cheek.
"But I'm doing it for a good reason. So I'm safe."
"I don't think it works that way." Emma laughed wetly when Ruby kissed her cheek again, making a loud muah sound when she pulled away. Ruby knew she was winning, knew she'd started the little trickle of hope in the back of Emma's mind. She might not have been able to start that faucet all the way but a few drops were more than nothing.
"So can I go get Killian? Will you try?"
The heart rate monitor beeped erratically for a few moments while Emma's head spun. Killian was leaving this as her decision. He'd leave if she asked and he'd come if she asked. It was Emma's call. One word either way would dictate the rest of their relationship. Forever. And Emma, despite her fear didn't want Killian out of her life for good. That pain was greater than the potential pain of heartbreak.
"Yeah," Emma murmured quietly. Ruby beamed proudly before running out of the room.
Emma shut her eyes and tried to breathe deeply, to quell any panic that was developing because of her decision. Her good hand inched up to her hair and tried to comb through the mats in it. She pulled her fingers back when she realized what she was doing in her fidgeting and tried to keep still.
She didn't open her eyes until there was a soft knock on her doorframe. Killian stood in the door, eyes sad, mouth twitching into a frown. His hair was tousled and Emma knew the tangles were from him running his hand through it, over and over again. Killian didn't move from his position, just outside her room and far from her reach. Emma pushed herself up, needing to get closer to him, forcing herself to keep the pain from her face. If he saw her pain he would come over, no matter what his decision was. Emma wanted to make sure he was able to make the right decision, no outside factors clouding his judgement. She just sat and watched the emotions play across his face, breathing through the pain and waiting to decide if he would decide she was worth it. Worth all the trouble.
"May I come in?" Killian asked quietly after what seemed like ages. Emma nodded. Killian walked over to her and sat down on the edge of the bed instead of in his chair. They were so close but Emma knew she would never be able to reach him, not really, not in the way it mattered, if she were to extend her fingers and grasp his. He studied Emma's face seriously.
"I'm sorry," Emma said quickly, looking down at her lap.
"Don't be sorry, Swan," Killian replied.
"I kicked you out."
"I know. That wasn't exactly fun," Killian said with a dry laugh.
"I was scared."
"I know that too." A silence fell between them, neither looking at each other. Or, well, he could have been looking at Emma but she still hadn't looked up to know for sure.
Killian drew in a breath and Emma knew it was coming. The words that would begin or end something she still couldn't quite put her finger on. "Can you answer me one question, Swan? It doesn't mean I'll hold you to anything. I just can't keep doing this, stumbling around this weird thing we have with no idea what's going on or when you'll run from me next. It hurts too much each time you run because there's nothing I can do to make your scars better if you don't let me."
"What's the question," Emma whispered.
"Do you have feelings for me?"
"Yes," Emma's voice was barely above a whisper. Killian was owed the truth. No matter how scary that was. "But I don't know what I'm ready for."
Killian grasped her chin, just as Ruby had and made her look into his blue eyes. "Let's just let this happen naturally, okay, Swan?" He gave her a little smile. "If we want to hold hands, we hold hands." He let go of her chin and tangled his fingers through hers. "If we want to kiss, well-" he bent forwards and dusted his lips across her cheek, before pulling back, his smile turning into a smirk.
Killian got up and touched her shoulder, guiding her back against the mattress. "Okay?"
"Yeah," Emma replied, still a little stunned. Killian settled back in his chair. Emma was shocked at how fast she called it his chair. How fast she had given the spot next to her to Killian. Neal had never had his own chair. He'd only hit her with one. The comparison left her breathless, the heart rate monitor going a little funny from the thoughts.
Killian picked up his laptop, ignoring the sound. Cocky as he could be he probably thought it was from his kiss. Near kiss. More like a peck. And he wouldn't be totally wrong. Killian opened his computer up and set it on his lap, just as he had when Emma had first woken up that morning. He began to type, focused in on whatever he was doing. Emma watched him, confused as he began to concentrate more on his laptop, not looking back at her despite their conversation.
"What are you doing?" Emma asked, sending him a curious look.
Killian looked up with a grin. "Working."
"Are you serious?"
Killian turned his computer around, showing her a screen with an Excel sheet open. Numbers filled the little squares in a sequence Emma couldn't follow. They seemed to be organized by Killian's own code.
"Why?" Emma asked, even more confused. He gets her to admit her feelings and then goes back to work? That stung.
Killian gave her a gentle little smile. "Because, I don't want to push you. This needs to happen naturally so you don't freak out and scream at me." He stopped, a mischievous smirk changing the smile immediately. Emma supressed a shiver. "Unless you want me to make you scream?" Killian winked and the shiver Emma had felt turned into a curl of heat.
Emma made a show of rolling her eyes at the ceiling to hide the lust that surely must be showing through her gaze. It certainly was in Killian's. "Go back to work, fish boy."
They sat in companionable silence for a while; the only sounds in the room were the mechanic beeping of Emma's heart and the clicking of keys from Killian's computer. Emma assumed Ruby had made David stay with her in the canteen if he was around to give the two of them space. Two of them. Were they a couple now instead of just a pair of friends? Emma pushed the thought away. Natural. No pressure.
There was a quick rap on the door and then an older nurse bustled in without another greeting. Her arms were loaded with bandages and various antiseptics and tools. She looked experienced and kindly, the type of person who would enquire about anything to make conversation. Killian put his computer down and stood, stepping closer to Emma.
"Hello, Emma," the nurse called in a chipper voice as she went around the side of the bed opposite from Killian, towards her injured shoulder. Her scarred shoulder. Emma tried not to flinch away or cover the marks with her hand. Because the nurse would notice. And she would ask questions if Emma acted weird about them.
"How are you this morning?"
"Fine," Emma answered stiffly, watching the woman's hands. She put gloves on then opened several packages of bandages and medical tape. "I'm going to change your bandages now, okay?" the nurse said as she shook a bottle of antiseptic liquid.
The nurse reached forwards and took Emma's sling off, letting her arm relax from its bent position. Emma pinched her lips together, not saying anything. She knew this procedure would only get worse. With skilled fingers the nurse began to peel off the tape that secured the old piece of gauze to Emma's skin. Emma glanced towards her shoulder as her wound was revealed.
The wound was angry and red, bruised around the surgery's incision site making the area a sickly purple colour. There would be overlapping scars when the holes healed from where the bullets entered side by side. Stitches held the wounds closed for now, at least eight for each entry site. Emma tried not to panic at the addition of even more scars to that shoulder.
The nurse opened the bottle of antiseptic and poured some onto a cotton pad. She dabbed it against Emma's shoulder and Emma nearly went through the roof with pain. She cried out at the pressure and whimpered at the liquid that sunk down between the stitches, burning hot and cold at the same time. Emma tried not to cry. She was stronger than this. The heart rate monitor beeped erratically. The nurse murmured nonsense to try and calm her but Emma wasn't listening.
Killian's warm hand slipped into hers and he bent down beside her face. "Hey, Swan, over here," he called quietly, brushing his free hand down her tight jaw muscles. Emma turned from her shoulder to look into his soft eyes. He touched his forehead to hers, so close that when he spoke he took his air from Emma's exhale. "You're going to be okay. I'm here." Emma cringed and a cry slipped from her lips as the nurse pressed a clean gauze pad to her shoulder and taped it on. Killian squeezed her hand. "I'm still here. What can I do, Emma?"
"Stay," she whispered back, pain stealing her volume. His forehead was still against hers so the quietness of her voice didn't matter. He caught her words.
"No problem. Just focus on me. She's almost done, love." Emma felt the nurse guide her arm back into the sling but she tried to stay focused on the scruff on Killian's chin, the way his lips gave away the stress he was feeling trying to comfort Emma.
The nurse pulled back but Killian didn't. "You okay?" he whispered.
"No," Emma whispered back but managed a little smile to help offset her answer. She'd be fine when she settled down.
Killian stood back up when the nurse cleared her throat. "Darling, may I ask what happened to your shoulder?" she asked, almost nervously.
"Car accident," Killian answered quickly, squeezing Emma's hand. The nurse didn't believe it. Killian had spoken too soon. Emma supressed a groan. The nurse noticed Emma's strained expression up at Killian and then looked back at Emma's scars. Emma's heart dropped when the nurse's eyes narrowed and she chewed at the corner of her bottom lip, debating a new question. This woman thought Killian had hurt her. That hurt a million times worse than the truth.
Emma drew in a shaky breath and dove in. "Actually, my ex-boyfriend was abusive. He hit me with a wooden chair."
The nurse's face softened and she looked apologetic, guilty that she had suspected Killian. "I'm sorry to hear that, sweetheart. I'm glad you have found someone else," she said quietly, a small smile directed towards Killian. With a nod of her head she hurried out of the room.
Killian sunk down on the chair, completely drained. Emma let his hand slip out of hers. "Why did you do that?" he asked, voice tinged with equal parts worry and awe.
"She thought you did it. I know that look she gave you." She'd seen social workers give it to bad carers before they took her away countless times.
"It wasn't her business, lass."
"I know."
"Thank you." Emma nodded as a response, a tired smile pulling up one side of her face.
"I'm hungry," Emma murmured a few minutes later, hoping there was food somewhere in the room. With all the sleeping she had been doing she'd missed all her meals.
"Do you want me to go get you something?" Killian asked, moving to stand. "I ate your breakfast since you were still asleep and it was getting cold," he added sheepishly. Emma rolled her eyes and Killian started for the door.
"Call David. He'll bring up something." Emma's voice stopped Killian and he turned, eyebrow raised. "You know, if you don't want to get out of here for a bit," Emma added quickly, second guessing his hesitation. "I won't mind if you need a breather. I don't blame you. Go home and have a break if you want."
Killian crossed back to his chair and sat, pulling the phone out. He dialed while he spoke, "shut it, Swan. I'm good here."
David found them in the room fifteen minutes later caught up in an animated story from their childhood. They were telling stories about someone named Liam, the mention of the name bringing a sad smile to Killian's lips, but he seemed to be enjoying himself despite the obvious pain. David stood at the door for a while, just watching as Emma threw her head back and laughed. He couldn't keep the smile from his face as he covertly snapped a picture of the moment with his phone. This was the first time David had thought Emma would be alright with time since Neal and he didn't want to forget anything about her real smile.