A/N: Holy cow. Sorry for the delay. I got behind, and then. Well. GISHWHES. So, yeah. There's that, but look, an update! Huzzah!
"It's…well, it's probably best if you just don't aim near anyone you don't plan on shooting." Jack said with a shrug as he inspected my handiwork. Of the five targets he had put out, all of them had holes. But then so did the wall behind them. And there might be a couple that were lodged in the floor. So, anything directly in front of me had pretty good odds of feeling the wrath of my aim. Which would be all well and good until someone who wasn't a killer time lord decided to walk into my path. Or really, even remotely near my path. It would be a good idea to stay out of my way. Better yet, stay out of my way by at least a hundred feet.
"I'll keep that in mind." There was some annoyance there, but it was hard to be too angry with him since it was sound advice. At least I was doing fairly well for having only learned how to take the safety off no more than a few hours ago. Not well enough to give me any confidence, or remote hope, that I'll be prepared for any possible fighting we run into. So I guess 'fairly well' was relative. Maybe if I'd wasted my time playing video games I might actually be a little better prepared for this. Not only that, but the whole right side of my body was starting to ache. The gun was more weight than I had lifted since high school, and the struggle to keep the recoil from hitting me in the face was much harder than it looked.
Overall, it hadn't really been my favorite.
But look at the bright side, I knew how to shoot. I just needed better aim. And consistency. Really, there was improvement needed in all the skills you would want with a person carrying a gun. The odds of shooting myself in the foot continued to lurk around the 'almost certain' mark. The longer I think about it, the more it seems like it's smarter to side with the Doctor on this one. No guns. But the army waiting outside made me less certain. So did the fact that they stood between me and the possibility of ever getting home again.
It was a toss-up, but one that ultimately sided with Jack and weapons. No one said that I'd have to actually use it. No, it'll just come along, safe and sound in my pocket. No aiming, or firing. It'll just kind of…be there. For insurance. Or in case we ran into any pig men who felt like they should help rearrange my face for me.
Sure. My temper and a gun.
There was no way that could possibly go wrong.
"Mind if we join you?" Ailla stood at the edge of the tennis courts we were using, Rhysik at her shoulder. "We brought refreshments." She held up a few brown bottles that could only be beer. It was almost enough to make me legitimately glad to see her.
"A lady as lovely as you is always welcome," Jack grinned. "And your friend ain't bad either." He winked at Rhysik, who looked more confused than anything. Apparently he had never heard of Jack's 'flirt first and ask about sexual preferences later' policy. Which was a surprise, because at this point, I assumed everyone in the universe had. That also meant that poor Rhysik had no idea how effective that technique usually was. Good luck you beautiful sculpted god, you're gonna to need it.
"Thanks," Ailla smiled, handing out the bottles that were refreshingly cool. Jack intercepted my bottle and cracked it open, which was a relief, since who the hell brought a bottle opener to a shooting lesson? "How's it going Fitzgerald?"
She caught me a bit off guard because I was fully expecting the grow-ups to discuss important matters while I just drank their booze, but apparently she wanted to make an effort, so now I had to be polite.
"You can just call me Fitz," the last thing I needed was another reminder of my mother on this ship. She smiled genuinely, like it was a big deal and I started to feel even worse about that stunt the Professor had pulled this morning. She had said rude things, but she probably hadn't really meant them that way. And the Professor had showed up and made her feel like an idiot, a feeling I was intimately familiar with. Which is why there was no earthly reason I should ever want to inflict it on someone else. Even if they were obnoxiously beautiful. Somewhere in my burnt husk of a heart, the roar of my jealousy dimmed. "It could be going better. Apparently, I'm not much of a marksman. Or woman. Or whatever you'd call that." All political correctness aside, I suck.
"Ah, practicing for tomorrow. Ready for the trip?" She almost made it sound like we were going camping instead of to our possible deaths. Probably didn't want to cause the human to panic. Nice of her to try.
Thinking about tomorrow made me want to burst into laughter and cry at the same time.
"Not really." Was the most balanced response I could manage. The reality was that the shooting, or the monsters outside, weren't even the half of it. There was still that ocean. That one that looked like some kind of black sea sludge just waiting for me to approach before it dragged me to a watery grave. That's the part that was making me seriously reconsider my life choices. At this point, I'd rather throw myself off a tall building, onto a pile of rusty knifes, surrounded by a pack of wild dogs who were waiting to pick over my broken body. At least, that's what I'd prefer if there was any other option to waking up tomorrow and climbing into one of those stupid boats. That seemed like an awkward direction to take the conversation, so I left it at 'not really'.
"It'll be alright." Ailla patted me on the shoulder, like I hadn't told myself that about a thousand times today. It didn't make any impression coming from her either, but maybe she gets some credit for trying. "So…" she cleared her throat. "You and the Professor are together?"
"What? No. No. Definitely not. No." It had been a little overly optimistic to hope she'd never bring up that morning. Which is really too bad, because I was working under the assumption that if no one ever mentioned it again, I could pretend it never happened. So much for that. Jack started to whistle an innocent tune and retreated to the far side of the courts, possibly to set up more targets. Or just so I couldn't see the faces he was making at my expense. Rhysik had taken an interest in the weapons Jack had left laying about. It could have gotten more humiliating, but not by a whole lot.
"Fitz, it's alright." Her smile was just strained enough to know that it probably wasn't alright. "I saw how you were. It's great, really. I'm glad." It wasn't hard to spot that the extra cheer she was putting into the conversation was killing her.
"Really, it's not what you think." What it was exactly, was sort of difficult to explain.
"We're both adults. He kissed you and called you 'sweetheart'. It's not that hard to interpret."
Ah, yes. That would be all the blood in my body rushing to my face.
"Okay. That looked- Seriously. We're not together. At all. Not even…He was kidding." That was a fairly reasonable explanation, which was a nice surprise. "He's just got a…weird sense of humor."
"Oh." The frown she wore suggested she didn't quite believe me. But there was also no reason to make something like that up.
"So you are unattached?" Rhysik's question startled me because I hadn't realized he was paying attention again. Maybe he had never stopped lurking, and why the hell would he want to know?
"Uh. Yeah." I shot him a glance and realized those bright eyes of his were locked pretty securely on my own. They were also way too intimidating to watch for long, and yet I couldn't look away. Reminded me of someone else I knew.
"That is good to know." He said, his lips parting in a warm smile. A frighteningly good smile. The kind that might just charm the pants off someone. Not me, no. Totally not me. This silly grin that was plastering itself across my face? I was just being friendly, definitely not trying to stifle idiotic giggles over here. Jesus, when was the last time I had flirted with someone I was remotely interested in? Well, other than someone who had also been a psychopath? It had probably been a while.
"Thanks." Was literally the only thing I could think to say. Yeah. Rusty is how I would describe those skills. Rusty to the point of serious corrosion. Clearly, there was a desperate need for me to get back in the game. Or invest in sixteen cats. That actually might be the more realistic option.
"I'm also single." Jack said as he came back over, a confident grin on his face as he managed to give both Ailla and Rhysik the eye. It was one of the few times I'd been really grateful for his libido. "Just in case anyone was wondering." Ailla laughed and it didn't sound forced. Either she believed me, or she had moved on. Or maybe my embarrassing lack of social skills had convinced her that whatever she had seen between the Professor and I, was probably impossible.
Couldn't really blame her for coming to that conclusion.
"Come on Fitz, let me teach you how to actually shoot." She said, shooting Jack a teasing glance. Even his pouty face was pretty flirty.
"Good luck." He said in a tone that suggested teaching me how to fire a gun accurately was only slightly less difficult than teaching a dog how to spell.
"Don't listen to him." She shrugged him off as she took one last swig from her beer. "Remember, the trick is to breathe out slowly. And also, imagine Jack's smirking face right at the bull's-eye."
"Oh, well. Now you tell me."
Actually, breathing, when done in a non-hyperventilating kind of way, did help. A lot. Though it was fair to say the extra hours of practice didn't hurt either. Well, physically, it hurt. But regardless, I was feeling much better about bringing a gun along. Not feeling improved about the odds of us all drowning in the black lagoon, but better about the chances of a bullet not ending up in my foot. Jack and Rhysik had both wandered off for food at some point, and I had to assume they'd found some, because they hadn't been back. It was a little weird that being alone with Ailla wasn't all that uncomfortable. She was pretty normal, for an alien. Well, for an incredibly badass time and space-traveling alien. Normal wasn't really 'to scale' on my adventures, but you know what I'm saying.
"So how did you two meet?"
"What?" Hopefully this wasn't part of a larger conversation I had been zoning out for. Maybe I had been a little too focused on the shooting.
"You and the Professor." She supplied helpfully. Great. Just what I wanted to talk about. "He's been a bit mysterious about it. Though it's probably because he's more interested in getting information from me than he is in giving me updates on his most recent history." There was a hint of a smirk on her lips, like she suspected there was something I wasn't being completely honest with her about. Like the whole 'kitchen-gate' debacle from this morning.
"Oh, that…Well. I had this necklace." My hand grasped at the chain around my neck out of habit. It actually wasn't the same chain. We had taken a special trip out into the middle of nowhere to chuck that one into space. The Doctor insisted several times that it was harmless now, but Donna had been there to remind him that wasn't the point. "It was sort of possessed by a time lord." By a real bastard. One who was currently residing in a pocket watch, one that was weighing heavily around my neck. Why I decided it was my job to keep it, I had no idea. The last thing I should want is a ticking time bomb of a very dangerous, and probably very pissed off consciousness of a certain time lord asshole, anywhere near me. It probably had something to do with my brain being completely missing.
"Rassilon, was it?" Apparently, I had lapsed into a bitter silence. Oops.
"Er. Yeah, sorry. Whatever space juice Rassilon had picked up came up on the Professor's radar. He tracked me down around the same time the Joulex did. Good news is they have a crippling weakness for getting beaned in the head with my book bag. When we were trying to sort me out, we ran into the Doctor. It all got a bit messy, but I guess things worked out in the end." No. They hadn't. Not really. "Even got to keep a souvenir." I waggled the pocket watch once before letting it drop back around my neck.
"Sounds pretty typical for time lords." She said with a smile. Where was she when I needed someone to tell me that? Could have saved me loads of trouble in the end. "So did you two get on well?"
"Not so much," not at all would have probably been more accurate in the beginning. "Life and death sort of made it better." Or worse, depending on how you looked at it. But just because we were getting along didn't mean I felt like it was necessary to share all the details with Ailla. Some things could just remain a secret. "So how did you two meet?" Did I really want to pry? Probably. It was also a convenient way to get off the subject of my history, which was what was the most important.
"Pretty similar." She shrugged. "Though there was definitely more lies on my part. There was a reason I thought it was a surprise that the Professor trusted a human again."
"I really doubt he trusts me." I scoffed.
"Oh, certainly not," she rolled her eyes with a smile. "He definitely must not trust you to share a kiss for the sake of a joke."
Alright. Point taken. "So you were saying?"
"Well, it was my fault. When we first met, I led him to believe I was human."
"Jesus, why?"
"Oh, you lot aren't that bad." She laughed, but it was hard to believe her. From the reactions I'd been getting, it seemed like we were the rats of the universe. Sure, we had redeeming qualities, but most people were not fans. At all. "It was important he didn't know I was a time lord, so humanity was my best option."
"That sounds pretty shady." I said with a smirk, but she didn't really laugh.
"It was. I was a spy. They sent me, the Council did. The idea was to get someone close to him so we could keep an eye out." Oh. So it was extremely shady then. Good to know. "When he left the Academy, there were many who believed he was not…well, not mentally sound."
"That's a polite way of putting it."
"It was much worse before, I don't know if it's because of his memory loss, or his regeneration, but he's much improved. Despite his…odd sense of humor." She added with a smirk. This was improved? I'd hate to meet the more mentally unsound version of the Professor.
"So you got to babysit a mental patient? That sounds like oodles of fun."
"Well, it was my first field assignment. I was excited. Wasn't very smart about it…" She trailed off with a sad smile on her face.
"So…what happened?" That sad smile was probably a cue to leave it alone, but when had I ever picked up on those kinds of things in a timely fashion? Never. Never is the answer. There was just a sick fascination to know all the details. Like some kind of warped competition in my head. Who was the better ex? All the voices in my head seemed to be in agreement, actually. All but the one stupidly hopeful one that continued to rally on my behalf. That one was so annoying.
"Well, I was an idiot. I fell for him. None of it was exactly what I bargained for. Things weren't so bad. I just…sent reports less often. Thought about telling him. Forgot why I was really there." She sighed. "And then we got in a little too deep on one of our 'adventures'. I died. He went mad. Blew up a planet because he thought it might fix things."
So. It had been serious then. Serious enough to blow apart a planet. Wow. That did not bode well for the competition. In fact, that hopeful voice of mine became very quiet, very quickly.
"Wow."
"Then the best part was when he realized what I actually was, and what he had done…" The way she said it made my chest seize up. That would be the worst kind of betrayal for anyone, let alone the Professor. The man who wouldn't be capable of trusting a pet rock. That was bound to end badly. Very badly. My face must have reflected that because she let out a short laugh. "Yeah, it was…well, it certainly wasn't pleasant. Then he was pulled into-" She swallowed, shaking her head. "I thought he died. Maybe a part of him did. I couldn't find him again, he was gone. Even if I did, he probably would have…well. I couldn't explain. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered anyway."
This was way heavier than I had been prepared for, and I was not the person she should be talking to about this. Donna, I needed to find Donna and she could make things better with some gem of wisdom. But I needed to find her before, because leaving to get her now would just be awkward.
"I'm sorry Ailla. I had no idea." It was probably safe to say their relationship had ended badly. And with some serious finality.
"There's no reason you should." She plastered a smile on her face. "Just time lord baggage. Not something we're ever keen to discuss. That happens when you can live practically forever."
"Yeah, I guess. But, I mean. Now you can start over, right?" Wow. That almost sounded like I wanted them to be together. Which is hilarious, because I'm pretty sure nothing could make me more miserable.
"Certainly, I just have to tell him how I betrayed him before. Not something I'm all that eager to do."
"Maybe not. Even if you say he's better, I doubt he'd take that kind of news well."
"Probably right about that. Especially when I'm little more than a stranger to him." She eyed me cautiously. "If you could…not mention anything-"
"Oh, god. Of course not." I shook my head quickly. There was a sinister part of me that wanted to point out this was the perfect opportunity for blackmail. But the rest of me was so horrified by the idea of it that my honesty was completely genuine. There was no way I wanted to touch that little gem of a tale with a ten-foot pole. It sounded awful and I probably hadn't heard most of the details, much less actually been there. Blowing up a planet sounded pretty god damn serious. And scary. It was probably even worse than I imagined, and my imagination was pretty good. "But I bet there's things he's not too excited to remember either. Maybe…maybe it won't come up?" That would be my plan, avoid it at all costs. Hell, that was my plan. It was a great plan. Until he eventually remembered. I didn't have a back-up plan for when that happened.
"Maybe." She smiled, the same dreaded thought probably occurring to her. "I'm going to get something to eat, you coming?"
"Nah, think I'll just relax." It would probably be polite to sit with her, but I was maxed out. And thinking about tomorrow was twisting my stomach in so many unpleasant ways that if I even saw food, it would try and dry heave.
"Alright, don't forget to get some sleep. Big day tomorrow." Like I really needed the reminder. "And thanks."
"For what?"
"Being someone normal to talk to." She said with a smile. If I was her definition of normal, she was setting the bar seriously low.
"No problem." Still, it was always nice to make friends.
Sleep was a joke. My eyes, my body, my everything was begging for it. Still it evaded me, because tomorrow we were going to be pirates. No fun costumes and silly accents. Just rickety boats and possible death. Oh, and sailing across a fucking ocean that looked like it was made of oil. I'm sure there was no ominous reason it was like that.
Just thinking about it caused my heart to race uncontrollably. Trying not to think about it caused a similar effect. There was a book in my lap that I'd been staring at for the past hour, but was making no actual progress on. My focus was way too fuzzy for that. Too busy imagining the infinite ways I was probably going to die. Maybe laying down would be a better idea, at least making an effort to try and sleep. But that just meant that I might actually sleep, which meant I might actually dream. You know, about rainbows, and bunny rabbits. Or drowning, or my dad's boated face floating in the water, or even aliens ripping me apart while I drown. There was a pretty substantial list of reasons not to go to sleep.
This was probably punishment for enjoying our trip to Atlas so much. This is why I can't have nice things. Happiness always came back to bite me in the ass. Always.
"A bit late for you to still be up, isn't it?" The Professor commented as he walked around my overstuffed chair and dropped himself into the couch nearby. Dropped wasn't really the right word, not for him anyway. Where us mortals 'dropped' like a sack of bricks, he more sort of glided down, like a feather. He folded his hands across his lap and sat there, looking perfectly content to do so for the next few hours. Which probably meant I couldn't just ignore him away.
"Probably. Sort of hard to tell." It wasn't really though. My eyes felt grainy and the rest of my body was telling me it was somewhere around 'jesus christ it's late' o'clock in the morning. Sleep would have been nice, but my anxiety was just never going to let that happen.
"Trying tea again?" He asked mildly, nodding to the mug that was sitting on the table between us. We hadn't really discussed the whole 'remembering' incident from this morning, it was better if we just didn't. Because I had no idea what it meant.
"Ailla brought it. Thought it might help me sleep." I had sipped on it a little, but then let the rest of it grow cold. Now it just sat there, looking dejected.
"Having trouble getting to sleep?"
"Just a little worried about tomorrow." There wasn't really a reason to keep pretending to read, but I did anyway.
"Is there something particular that worries you?" He seemed surprised that our plan of 'making a run for it' should concern me. "I don't believe the threat is as serious as Ailla has made it out to be. And certainly nothing we can't handle now that we're aware of it."
"It's not that." Though it should be. It really really should be. Storming some imaginary alternative universe castle full of the worst monsters the time lords had ever conceived, people who were so terrible they had been unwritten from the world. That was the thing nightmares were made of. And it did worry me. Especially the part where we were relying on the sun, the artificial sun, to keep them away from us long enough to reset the TARDIS, so we could maybe get back to the normal world. No guarantee. That should be what was keeping me up.
Really needed a different word for 'normal'. Maybe it was better to refer to it as the potentially normal world. But home. Anyway.
"What is it then?"
"The uh…the water bit."
"I'm sorry?"
"The part about crossing the ocean. And not only that, but crossing it on a raft people made out of trees. Fake trees. It's all kind of…" Fucking terrifying. Scaring the hell out of me. Scaring me shitless. There was no sane definition to provide him, so I just didn't.
"You're worried about how reliable the boats are?" As though the idea of handmade boats being flimsy was a silly one. Sorry pal, I didn't know time lords were world renown master craftsmen for boats.
"Kind of. More worried about the water. I can't swim."
"Well, the idea is not to be swimming." Thanks for that. Now I can finally get some rest.
"Okay, but it's not the swimming that's the problem. It's the whole 'water' part. It kind of…it freaks me out. You know? Like a phobia? Of oceans, and lakes. Excessively full bathtubs. Really, any water." It was important for me to look anywhere but directly at him. The long drawn out silence was making me feel like more and more of an idiot.
"Water?" He finally scoffed. "You regularly fight against aliens, travel through space and time, and you're bothered because we're going to be traveling over some water?" It was nice to know he thought the idea was so silly. No, wait. Scratch that. Not nice, just annoying.
"When I say phobia, I don't mean like, I just get nervous. I mean the kind of completely illogical nightmare kind of fear. I can't go to pool parties because I'm terrified someone is going to push me in. It freaks me out that there's a pool in this library. I don't go to the ocean, because I think a tsunami, however unlikely, is going to come crashing in and drag me under. So yeah. I'm bothered." Wow. Kind of got on my soapbox for that one. Bit angry. Definitely angry if the startled look on the Professor's face was anything to go by.
"I apologize. It just surprised me is all." It should have made me feel better, getting him to apologize, but it didn't really. Instead, I was too busy thinking about the fact that the TARDIS was parked on a beach right now, and despite the fact that there were no waves, or even wind, who was to say a freak tsunami couldn't come along and sink us to the bottom of the ocean before we had the chance to try and get ourselves killed by some other means. "Fitzgerald," he leaned forward with a very serious look on his face. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
That actually did make me feel a little better, but not a whole lot. His grave tone could only get my freak out level from a defcon flaming red to more of a defcon orange. Those were levels, right? Maybe? Whatever, it was my defcon and I could make it whatever levels I damn well pleased.
"I'll keep that in mind." I said with a bitter smile. It would probably be more convincing if we hadn't had this same conversation before, which had ended pretty badly. Technically, I was still alive. So that was a plus.
"You don't trust me?"
"It's not that, it just…it didn't end so great last time."
"Last time?" There was that hint of interest again, dammit. Why was I trying to bring it up? This wasn't just a minor thing, either. This was when I had impulsively kissed him, because I panicked. Okay, also because I wanted to. But that was even more of a reason not to talk about it.
"Um. Yeah. We sort of crashed a ship into a river, and then I drowned when we tried to get out. A little bit." Could you do that? Drown a 'little bit'? If you officially have to be revived, does it count as a drowning? Where is the internet when I have such important questions? "But it's fine." His face had started to darken in that uncomfortable way so I made the effort to smile. "I'm not dead. It all worked out."
"Obviously." His voice was terse. "You know you bring up the past quite a bit for someone who doesn't wish to discuss it."
"I know," in my defense, the sleep deprivation probably had something to do with me being sloppy. "It's not that I want- I mean. Sometimes I just forget you're-" That will be me trying to put my foot in my mouth again. "It's not a big deal."
"Just big enough for you to constantly worry about it."
"It's not. You're making me sound crazier about it than I really am. It's just specific weird little things." You know, like the secret relationship we had that I now have to hide from not only you, but your ex-girlfriend. And the new man who might possibly be interested in me.
"Do these specific things have to do with me?" He asked it so suddenly I froze. Was he reading my mind? Is he reading my mind while I'm wondering about him reading my mind? Think natural, be cool. Peas. Carrots. Um.
ANYTHING OTHER THAN US HOOKING UP.
Well, that should throw him off. He was still waiting for a response, and hadn't burst into laughter, so I had to assume the mind reading wasn't happening.
"Yes."
His jaw tightened, but whatever else he was thinking vanished behind that well practiced mask of his. What the hell did that mean? Did he know? Did he suspect? Holy crap it is so awkwardly quiet.
"Fitzgerald, if I-" he stopped, breaking off his intense gaze, which was a relief. "I'm sorry." Sorry? What the hell for? "You should get some rest."
"Hah." Should have asked him what hewas apologizing for, but my brain wasn't really up for that. Probably because it was too terrified to know. Sorry he couldn't be what he was before? Sorry, humans are way gross and we can't be more than friends?
Why did I even care? I didn't. Maybe I should tell him that, no big deal. It's totally fine that you don't want me, because you know what? I'm so totally over you. Fun while it lasted grandpa, but I've moved on.
Sure, sure I have. Which is why I was still avoiding mentioning that we'd had a relationship at all. That just screams 'I'm an adult and I can handle this situation like one'. Who was I kidding? Whatever, not important. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, rejecting the Professor before he gets the chance to reject me. Because that means I win, right? Winning means keeping the most dignity.
Which was a joke since I'm pretty sure whatever dignity was left had been lost entirely that time my whole body was covered in Joulex intestine. Or that time I landed in a pile of Phangalor excrement and had to be dragged out by four men. Phangalor's, as it happens, is just a fancy word for a really big god damn elephant. In case you were wondering.
He stood up and plucked the book out of my lap, dropping it onto the coffee table.
"Hey, I was reading that." Not really, but he didn't know that, I mean, he couldn't know everything. Instead of replying, he placed his cool hand under my chin and tilted it back so I had to look up at him. My heart leapt into my chest, a sure sign that I was totally over him. Right.
"Nothing is going to happen to you. I promise." His eyes were doing that 'penetrating into my soul' thing again. Making it impossible to think of anything snarky to say. Actually, it was pretty much impossible to think at all with him looking at me like that. "Now go to sleep."
"Listen, it's not like-" But that's when I felt it, a weird and yet familiar tickling sensation in my brain. "Oh you sneaky f-" But my head rolled back on my shoulders and consciousness left me.
That son of a bitch put me to sleep.