So, this is not the plot yet, just an introduction full of Reid family fluff. There are a few time jumps, because I needed to get this part over quickly. Basically Spencer receives some news that make him very, very nervous.
Well, when I was a young man never been kissed
I got to thinkin' it over how much I had missed
So I got me a girl and I kissed her and then,
and then, oh, lord, I kissed 'er again.
(Jimmie Rodgers – Kisses Sweeter Than Wine)
Six months later
"Okay, Spence, what's going on?"
JJ cornered him at the coffee machine, which wasn't a very fair thing to do. The only less fair place would be the bathroom, but that wasn't an option for her, so coffee machine it was. Spencer took his cup and tried to keep a poker face.
"Nothing, everything is fine," he said, trying to sound nonchalant.
"You do know that all your colleagues study human behavior for living, right? You can't keep a secret here," she reminded him.
"Plus," Morgan emerged from behind a corner, "if you don't fess up now, I'll set Garcia on your case."
"You've been acting weird since Monday. Something happened with Maeve?" JJ pressed. They all knew that Maeve took Spencer on a romantic getaway for the weekend and he came back distracted, to put it mildly.
Spencer hesitated. He knew he would have to tell them sooner of later. Besides, it would take Garcia about ten seconds to find out. He had just hoped to have some time to get used to the idea before telling them, but no such luck.
"Not exactly."
"What do you mean, not exactly?" Morgan moved so that he blocked his way out.
"Well, the problem is only half Maeve. The other half is, well... me."
JJ and Morgan exchanged a confused look. Damn, they are going to make me say it out loud, Spencer realized.
"It's genetically half Maeve..." he added, desperately hoping that at least JJ would get it, but this really wasn't his lucky day. Both of his colleagues looked like he was speaking Swahili.
"She is pregnant," he confessed.
JJ congratulated him and hugged him, while Morgan playfully punched him in the arm. "You go, Kid! Or is it Papa now?"
"Who is Papa?" asked Blake, who just came for her second coffee.
"Spence will be," announced JJ.
Blake bit her lip and suppressed a laugh, when she saw his expression. "Come on, Reid, show some excitement. It's not like you're going into labor or something."
"Stop it!" Reid waved his hands. "I am freaking out! It's too soon, we are together six months, we are not ready for this..."
"Sixteen," Blake interrupted him. "You are together for sixteen months. You just haven't seen each other the first ten, but that doesn't change a thing. Do you want to be with this woman?"
"Yes, but..."
Blake raised her hand to silence him. "Do you want to keep the baby?"
"Yes, but..."
"Ah-ah, let me finish. Can you keep this baby?"
"What?"
"Do you have enough money, a place to live...?"
"Yes, but it's too soon!" Spencer managed to get out before he was stopped.
"No, it's too late. Too late to be thinking about that. Right now, you have a woman and a baby to think about. Will you take care of your child?"
"My child... oh my God..." Spencer suddenly felt very weak.
"Hey, Blake, back off, he's going to faint any moment," Morgan warned.
Spencer started walking like a somnambulist. Blake and Morgan stepped back to allow him through, because otherwise he would have just walked over them. He stared ahead and kept muttering. The only words they caught were my child. Other agents watched as he sat down at his desk, clutching the cup of coffee in both hands, and kept muttering.
"I think you just broke him," said JJ.
"We can try turning him off and on again," Morgan suggested.
"Oh, Gorgeous, are you trying to fix a computer? You know you are not supposed to do that without adult supervision," teased Garcia, who just emerged from her lair to get coffee.
"Close enough," Morgan pointed to Spencer.
"What's with him?" asked Garcia.
"He and Maeve are having a baby..."
Penelope squealed loudly. Everybody in the room was a little startled, but Reid jumped and spilled his coffee all over himself. JJ had to duck behind Morgan's back to hide her laughter, as Reid cursed and darted for the bathroom.
With Garcia knowing, the news spread like wildfire and half of the Bureau knew by the time Reid got back from the bathroom. The next day Reid's desk was flooded by gifts – books on baby names, pacifiers, toys – and cards. Most of the cards were standard and he was sure that he would find all of them in the nearest shops, but one seemed home-made. On the outside was a pretty graphic of him and Maeve, but inside said CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING LAID. Next to it the sender taped a condom and scribbled For the next time.
Spencer Reid was a profiler genius, it didn't take him long to figure out who it was from. The adolescent sense of humor, access to someone with computer skills...
"Morgan!"
Three months later
"Our unsub is highly intelligent, possibly a genius. Probably a female. She is most likely socially awkward, preferring to spend her free time doing research, rather that socializing. That leads to very limited dating options. The unsub is probably waiting for the right one, to the point where she would be a virgin at thirty if nobody suitable appears. She has loving, but not overprotective parents with science background and very poor sense of humor. Luckily the unsub has an amazing godfather..."
"Morgan, would you please stop referring to my unborn daughter as the unsub?"
"I am sorry, Papa, but we can't leave picking out baby names to you and Maeve," Morgan protested.
They were all at Rossi's and Morgan just decided to take matter in his own hands. He almost set up a board and started profiling the child.
"As I said," Morgan continued, "the unsub has an amazing godfather."
"I would think so," Maeve interrupted. "Rossi is pretty amazing."
Morgan opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again and then looked accusingly at Spencer: "You promised I get to be her godfather!"
"Not if you keep calling her the unsub," Maeve said adamantly. "Her name is Joanna."
"Come on!" Garcia came to Morgan's aid. "Get a little creative! Arwen for example..."
"No!" Maeve moaned theatrically. "I can't believe this has to be said, but I want to name my daughter the way I want!"
"I think it is a pretty name," said Hotch, probably to calm the discussion a little bit.
"You named your son Jack," Garcia glared at him. "And the mother of Henry has nothing to say either," she stopped JJ as she was opening her mouth. "This baby," she waved in the direction of Maeve's stomach, "is probably going to invent a teleport or cure cancer or something and to do that she needs a more impressive name than Joanna."
"Joanna Donovan has a nice ring to it," Blake shrugged.
"It's Joanna Reid actually," Spencer said. "After we get married, Maeve is keeping her maiden name because of her work, but we want Joanna and any other child we might have to be called Reid."
"Wait, what was that, married?" Rossi asked. "You are getting married?"
"Yes, after the baby's born and we get settled a bit, we will decide on a date," Maeve confirmed.
The whole team was rendered speechless. They all got used to the idea of Hotch being married, then divorced, then dating, they would all expect Rossi to eventually find Mrs. Rossi number four, JJ marrying Will hadn't been much of a surprise, but Spencer? Spencer being all dressed up and kissing Maeve in a white dress, Spencer saying things like my wife? No way. The idea of a baby had been strange enough, but it was something that happened to them, not their decision.
"I think the word you're all looking for is congratulations," Spencer suggested.
Suddenly Maeve twitched like somebody pinched her. Spencer turned to her with wide eyes, laying his hand on her shoulder.
"What is it?"
A huge smile slowly crept across Maeve's face. "Give me your hand," she said.
He complied and she pressed his palm to her stomach. For a moment nothing happened, but then Spencer jumped a little. He stared at Maeve for a while before he started grinning like an idiot.
"Is it...?" he whispered.
Maeve nodded.
"What's going on?" Morgan frowned, his eyes darting between Maeve and Spencer, who seemed to forget that there are people in the room. Garcia seemed equally confused, but the others had a knowing expression.
"The baby started to move," JJ said quietly.
Four months later
"JJ?" Spencer's voice sounded small and scared.
"Spence? What's going on?" JJ sat on the bed and checked the clock on her nightstand. It was two in the morning and Will next to her muttered something about fucking serial killers can't wait until morning.
"I... can you call the others and come to the hospital, please?"
JJ shot out of the bed, turned the light on and started looking for clothes. "Sure, what happened?"
"The... the baby... it's coming and Maeve told me to wait outside..."
"Why?" JJ relaxed a little because it didn't look like a life or death situation.
"She said I was freaking her out," he admitted.
"You didn't happen to spout some birth statistics, did you?" she asked suspiciously.
The silence on the other end of the line was an answer by itself.
"Oh Spence," she sighed. "I'll let the others know and I'll be there ASAP, okay?"
As it happened, it was Morgan who arrived in the hospital first. He found Spencer on a bench on a corridor, sitting between two piles of books, holding one in his hand and staring at it unhappily. There was a muffled scream from one of the delivery rooms and Spencer dropped the book.
"Hey, Papa, relax," Morgan picked it up and wanted to put it on the pile on Spencer's left.
"No, that's read books, this is unread," he protested and made him put the book on the right pile. Just then JJ, Hotch and Garcia appeared at the end of the corridor.
"How is it going?" asked Hotch.
"I don't know," Spencer whispered. He looked like he was going to cry. "She looked like she was in a lot of pain. Is it normal? It didn't look normal," he turned to JJ.
"It is perfectly normal," said JJ comfortingly. "Childbirth hurts, but she will forget everything once she has Joanna."
Spencer was biting his lip. "It's my fault."
"No it isn't," Morgan insisted.
"It is!"
"Say this one more time and in fifteen years I'll tell Joanna that you called her a fault," said Hotch seriously.
Spencer turned green and he looked ready to pass out. He was saved by a nurse who approached the group.
"Doctor Reid? You have a beautiful baby girl," she announced. "Her name is Joanna and she is ready to meet you. Come with me."
He followed her down the hall. She lead him to a room where she left him alone with Maeve, who was half sitting on a bed, and a little bundle in Maeve's arms. He tentatively sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the impossibly tiny face of his daughter. How could she be so incredibly small? It didn't seem right.
And then it hit him. This was the Joanna they were talking about for months. The baby – his baby – was here and it was his responsibility to take care of her. And he couldn't imagine doing anything else because this little human right there had already sneaked into his heart and settled there.
"Hello, Joanna," he whispered, touching her cheek gingerly.
"Do you want to hold her?" Maeve asked.
He looked up at the sound of her voice. "How are you? Are you okay?"
"I'm still sore, but otherwise, I'm good. Do you want to hold her?"
Spencer hesitated. The baby seemed like one wrong move would crush her.
"Come on, don't be a coward, it's your daughter!" Maeve gently showed him how to hold her and when Joanna squirmed a little, Spencer beamed. This was exactly how things were supposed to be.
The rest of the team came to visit the next day. When they entered the room, they saw an image they have never expected to see. Spencer Reid was holding a baby like he had been doing nothing else his entire life and he was quietly talking to her.
"It is the theory of natural selection," Maeve, who just came from the bathroom, informed them. When she saw the confused looks on their faces, she smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, I'll explain it properly when she's older."
"This girl is doomed, isn't she?" Rossi sighed.
Morgan nodded. "Wanna bet her first word is gonna be Darwin?"