A/N: Thank you everyone for the fabulous feedback! Hope you had a lovely holiday! And thanks Summer Rosewood for your review-a-thon of Starlight!
The zero room was just as silent and ominous as I remembered it last. Though, it was hard to recall some of the specifics that made it unpleasant before. I had been a bit out of it. Still, there was a general…ugh that radiated from the pearly white walls. It made you miss the hominess of the med bay. Well, it made you miss shelves anyway. And furniture. Something to identify it as more than empty space. But that room was a huge mess still. On account of me. That made me slightly less enthusiastic to return. Or even think about it.
Rhysik was here, which was some comfort, even if he wasn't conscious. Apparently when you suck a time lord dry like a Capri-sun, it's impossible for them to regenerate. You know who is privilege to that kind of creepy information? Other time lords. More specifically, other, really screwed up, seeking revenge, time lords. The ones that had run right into Rhysik. Which meant that out of this cluster fuck of unlucky people on the ship, he'd managed to be the unluckiest. That qualified him for some kind of award; it was just too bad the award was him mostly dead. So now, he was laying there in the center of the room. Possibly dying, possibly recovering. There wasn't really a good way to tell.
Of course, he wasn't on a bed. No. That would have been too normal. Apparently the rules of gravity, or physics, or whatever it was that should prevent people from floating on a bed of air peacefully, didn't apply here. If I wanted, I could be sitting on an equally invisible chair. If I had listened closely to the Doctor when he was explaining it, I might have understood why. But I settled on 'complicated' just like everything else on this ship. And my life.
So I was more than happy to just sit my ass on the damn floor like a normal person.
Ailla left, not too long ago. We hadn't said more than a handful of words to each other. This wasn't like the silence in front of the cave, this was thicker, impossible to penetrate. She just watched the slow steady rise and fall of Rhysik's chest, hoping it would continue. She'd finally gotten too agitated to sit still and had left the room when it became clear he wasn't planning on making a miraculous recovery any time soon. I was too busy thinking about what a shit person I was to offer any consolation. Besides, what would I say? Hey, sorry your friend might be dying. Sucks how you almost escaped together, but then at the last minute, he's totally not gonna make it. Bummer.
Also, I kissed your old boyfriend that I encouraged you to get back together with.
Nope. Keeping my mouth shut had been the best option. By a landslide.
Besides, I was too wrapped up in my own crap. Like, you know. I had killed someone. How about that? It wasn't just a random accident either, I had taken a weapon, and fully intending to, killed someone with it.
It was him or me. He was a monster. He was probably the one who had attacked Rhysik. He tried to kill me.
I could argue with myself all day long, and a small part of me knew I was right. If I hadn't shot him, I'd be dead. But the rest of me still fought the logic. Insisted it was wrong. And it was. Because it had been so easy. One quick flex of my index finger and I'd turned a living breathing thing into nothing at all. It was just really really screwed up.
Speaking of screwed up. You know the one thing occupying my mind more than the guilt of murdering a person? The Professor. Which didn't really help distract from the guilt, it just seemed to make it worse. Because I'm guessing one thing you're not supposed to be thinking about after finding out you're a stone cold killer, is your god damn libido. I definitely shouldn't have been thinking about how good it felt pressed against him, or how eager I'd been to return the kiss. I shouldn't be thinking about it at all. I was a bad person. I did a bad thing. I do not get to be secretly excited about some impulsive gesture that meant nothing at all. I mean, he'd done the same thing to Ailla, right? Okay. That sure hadn't felt the same. And there was substantially more participation on his part from what I could tell. But. I don't know. The important thing to keep telling myself, was that it didn't matter. When things got stressful, people did stupid unpredictable things. That's all it was. Stupid. And my brain needed to shut the hell up about it.
"I'll take a watch, if you like." I jumped about a thousand feet in the air at Donna's voice. She looked mildly guilty as she walked into the room, noticing the terror on my face. "You alright?"
No. Not at all. "Yeah. I'm okay. Sorry, you just startled me." You know, because I was too wrapped up in thoughts about me being a murderer, and the Professor, and inappropriate physical contact, and- Holy god. Am I in serious need of an internal mute button. She reached out to help me stand, but I didn't really need it. My leg was definitely still sore, but the zero room was quite the miracle worker. Well, okay, some of my skin was still a bit tender. And if I clenched my hand into a fist, the bones in my wrist protested. But, considering the fact that I'd been carried in the room half conscious and bleeding profusely, I was in remarkable shape. Donna smiled, but apparently I still looked like hell because she wasn't very cheery.
"Didn't mean to sweetheart, maybe you should get some food in ya. That might help. Maybe a drink too." She winked. Probably not enough booze in the universe to make me feel any better about today, but I should investigate anyway, just in case I was wrong.
"Thanks Donna," I hesitated. If there was one person I desperately wanted to talk to, it was her. I knew that, not just wanted to, but needed to. Still, there was that refusal. Not for any sensible reason, just because…well. I just couldn't right now. It all felt twisted and broken inside. Donna would just try and reassure me that I'd done the right thing. Right now, I didn't want to feel better. Well, not immediately anyway. But I certainly wasn't ready to brush it off and move on. Not that I could.
Plus, once we got past that whole bag of issues, then I'd have to lie about just how much the Professor had been involved. Maybe not lie, but avoid the truth very carefully. Which would basically be the same thing as lying, especially to Donna. I opened my mouth, still thinking maybe I'd do it anyway, consequences be damned.
"You sure you're alright?" She asked with a raised eyebrow. I nodded. The last thing I wanted to be was the tediously annoying human who was constantly a source of trouble and drama. I liked Donna, and ideally, she still liked me. Let's see if we can keep it that way for now.
"Just tired." I stretched my arms and headed out. I'd talk to her later, after I could keep the self-loathing voices in my head to a minimum. Easier to have a conversation that way.
As soon as the door slid shut behind me, I realized with an unpleasant clarity that I was not ready at all to be wandering on my own. Maybe Rhysik hadn't been conscious, but he'd been a reassuring presence. The halls of the TARDIS had none of the familiar hum to it, it was quiet, waiting, and curiously empty feeling. This wasn't helping my impending psychotic episode at all. I headed to my left, thinking sleep would be best. Sleep and a lobotomy that erased the last few days. Was that a thing? Someone should definitely make that a thing. But then sleeping meant being alone too, and out of control of my thoughts.
Could not think of a better recipe for disaster.
Control room it is, the Doctor was bound to be there. He'd be the easiest to avoid a real conversation with too, because I could just use the magic words 'what does this do' and he'd be lost in his own explanations for the better part of an hour.
Unfortunately, he wasn't alone when I arrived. I was halfway up the stairs before I realized that.
"That's because it doesn't make sense." Ailla had her back to me and her arms crossed tight around her chest. "You just commanded them to leave?"
"Yes." The Professor spotted me as I tried to make a hasty retreat. But the look in his eyes was so piercing that it almost felt like he'd reached across the room and grabbed me. So much for thinking things might be normal. Definitely making an effort to avoid him now. It was sort of my go-to solution these days. Whatever. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
"If commanding them worked, there would have been a hell of a lot more of my team left alive." Ailla's voice had a sharp edge to it.
"Ah, hello Fitz." The Doctor spotted me where I had frozen. Unable to retreat under the Professor's penetrating stare, but also unwilling to step further into what sounded like an awkward conversation. An awkwardness the Doctor had just invited me into to try and diffuse. Damn him. "Feeling better?" The weak smile he offered suggested he knew just as well as I did what a stupid question it was.
"Yeah, thanks." If I wasn't going to be honest about anything else, why start now? I climbed the remaining stairs and joined the circle. Ailla turned, looking for the first time almost human. Exhausted, fragile. No less radiant, but diminished enough that it scared me a little.
"Well, that's excellent to hear-"
"Is that what happened?" Ailla's tone was softer, but she was determined to get her answers. Why she thought I'd be the one to get them from, I had no idea.
"Well…" my eyes flicked to the Professor. No. Bad idea. You know what else was a bad idea? Thinking about what had happened. That things teeth on my throat. Another slurping at my arm. The very real fear that this was the end and I was going to die being scared shitless and torn apart by animals.
"He just told them to stop and they did?" She prompted me when the silence had dragged on too long.
"I guess?" I said with an uneven voice. "I don't really understand what he said. But it kind of looked like that's what happened. I mean, one minute they were…" nope, couldn't finish that thought. "And then they left."
Ailla frowned, unimpressed with my answer. "This will go faster if you just show me." She shook her head, annoyed, and started to walk toward me. What? Show? What the hell was that supposed to-
"No!" I blurted out as she reached for my temple. Not only was that way too close to my personal bubble space, but it suddenly registered that 'showing' was really time lord for 'reading your damn thoughts'.
"It's not going to hurt." She chided me, like that was my issue with it. Not the whole serious invasion of privacy.
"It's because I was speaking Gallifreyan." The Professor interrupted Ailla and she stopped trying to assault me. I was about to silently thank his good timing when I remembered- Oh christ. The Professor. She would see what we had- Wow. No. No thank you. That is not happening. Not in a thousand million years. Note to self, do not let Ailla come within five feet of you. Ever. "They called me their king."
"Their what?" The Doctor sounded just as confused as I was. King? What, of the crazy people on fantasy island? That was…
Well, actually…that fit alarmingly well. Still. What?
"For the war." Ailla said. "We needed a commander. Someone who could control the army we'd created. The Council had drawn up several options. They must have decided…" Her voice trailed away, but she didn't need to finish the thought.
"So they resurrected the Master." The Doctor's jaw tightened. "Because he was the most dangerous man they knew. They made you the Could've Been King." He shook his head. "Did you- Have you been remembering things again?" That had my full attention. Would have been nice if I'd been slightly less obvious about it. Looking directly at the Professor and having all the color drain out of my face probably wasn't very subtle. He held my gaze a moment before answering.
"No." God. Why was that such a relief? Well, because I'd have a shit ton of explaining to do if his answer had been 'yes'. "They said they couldn't-" his eyes were on mine again and I stared intently at the various scratches on the TARDIS floor. There were surprisingly few. "They implied they were unable to kill me. Specifically because they'd been programmed to obey my instruction. I came across the information purely by accident."
"That would have been nice to know earlier." Ailla clearly wasn't in the mood. I kind of agreed with her, I mean, it was nice the Professor had figured it out at all. But if he'd managed to do it before, maybe Rhysik would be okay. We'd all be plenty less beat up. I probably wouldn't have had to kill anyone. And he wouldn't have kissed me.
Well. That's assuming that was a bad thing. It was, right? Yes. Bad. Wrong. It just made things needlessly complicated. I mean, I had enjoyed it, but that didn't mean it should have happened. Or it should happen again. It had been a bit of a dry spell for me recently, so I'd probably be just as happy if Jack had done it. Or the Doctor.
Ew. No. Definitely not the Doctor. Don't even try and picture-
Crap. Too late.
Bleh. Bleeeeh.
"Good? Why would that be good?" Ailla's suddenly aggressive tone made it clear that I'd missed some of the conversation. Too busy trying not to imagine the Doctor's gangly limbs making out with anything.
"Because now we know we can control them. At least temporarily." He was using his placating tone as he spun around the console, flipping a number of unfamiliar switches.
"Control? What the hell for?" Ailla was strongly against whatever this was. Was he talking about them them? As in, the them that had tried to murder us all? Whatever this plan was, if it involved any more contact with that little army of death outside, I wanted none of it.
"Because it will make it substantially easier to help them if we're not worried about them slitting our throats." He plucked up the silver cube from where it had been sitting and tossed it into the air once. "If we can change the programming, sort out the messy bits that the Council scrambled them with, I think they can come back. For now, we'll settle for just extracting the Matrix from the time lock. Shouldn't be overly complicated with the excess of time vortices we've got on hand now." He grinned at Ailla but no one shared his enthusiasm.
"You're not seriously suggesting that we help them." I took a step back when I realized I was between the Doctor and Ailla, an incredibly dangerous place to be if her tone was anything to go by.
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not suggesting anything. I'm telling you. We banished them, tore them out of time itself, and when that wasn't enough, we experimented on them in the name of a needless war. I'm trying to save them-"
"They aren't worth saving. They're monsters." She spat, her arms shook as she took a step forward, standing inches from the Doctor.
"They're just confused." The Doctor explained, heedless of the very real threat that was radiating off of Ailla. "They were made to be that way. We inflicted them with a rabid cruelty. But we can fix it Ailla, we can help these people."
"Don't you dare." Her voice was a harsh whisper. "Don't you even think about it. They killed my whole team. Who knows how many others were trapped here. And don't forget, these aren't innocent time lords Doctor. They are the Unwritten. They were broken long before we came along and did anything to them. They're not capable of redemption. They're not even capable of being people again. They weren't before, and they certainly aren't now. It was a mistake what we did, but nothing can change that. How could you even want that? You hunted a few of them down yourself. You know what they are. Why would you think they could ever be helped?"
"Because they have to be." The Doctor spoke through clenched teeth, gripping her shoulders tight. His eyes were desperate, angry, and horrible. "You weren't there in the end, Ailla. No one won the war. We all lost. I'm the only one who survived, and I had to- Had to destroy them. They're all gone, Daleks. Time Lords. Gallifrey, it's all-" He stopped, trying to regain his composure. "We have to help them because there's no one else. We're all that's left. We have to save them. I have to make it right."
The long painful silence that followed was easily one of the least comfortable moments I'd spent on the TARDIS. And there had been many. Ailla shook her head with a frown, but offered no argument beyond that. The Professor was silent, but even he looked shocked. I wondered absently how close he had come to becoming one of the Unwritten in his past lives.
The Doctor saw this as an opportunity to redeem himself. To wash away some of the blood from his hands. It was hard to deny him that. If you'd killed your entire species and came across a lifeboat filled with crazies, would you still try and save them? Of course you would. Any hope, no matter how fine a thread, was still hope. I was having regrets over killing one man, and he'd been trying his damnedest to kill me. The guilt that came with destroying a whole race, your own race? Well. That was…that sucked.
Some days, I understood just how much I didn't envy the Doctor.
"I don't believe you." Ailla finally shrugged out of his grip, but it was obvious she did from the way she avoided meeting his eyes.
"Ailla-"
"Don't. Don't say anything to me." She hissed at him. She glanced once in the Professor's direction before she turned around, marching down the stairs and disappearing.
"I'm sorry." He spoke to the empty space where she had been. "I'll fix this. I'll make it right."
He was still going to try. Knowing that she'd hate him for it. Knowing that it was probably hopeless. The people he was trying to save were not only going to end up demented, but probably also incurably evil. Because that's how they'd always been. He was going to try and save the Army of Meanwhile's and Neverweres anyway, because he had to. He was the Doctor.
"You can't." It was a second after that I realized I'd said it out loud. If there were a shittier time to remember the TARDIS' cryptic message for the Doctor, I couldn't think of one. The way his eyes snapped to mine, the rage and hurt still fresh. It was so uncomfortable I thought about shutting my damn mouth. "When…when I was in the holodeck place. After we dealt with Rassilon. I spoke with the voice interface. It…he said you couldn't save them."
"What did you say?" The Doctor sounded dangerous as he closed the distance between us. The silly bow tie was not making him any less intimidating this time. Yep. Should have kept my mouth shut. Was it too late to laugh and pretend I was joking?
Probably.
Did I want to try anyway? Absolutely.
Relax. He's your friend. He's just in a bad place right now. And he's probably not going to kill you. Even though he's more than capable of it. Try not to think about that last part.
"He asked me to pass a message. It-" Looking directly at him was a poor choice. The fact that I could feel the air vibrating around him wasn't making things any easier. I took a breath. If he did kill me, he'd probably make it quick. Something to look forward to. "The Meanwhile's and Neverweres were already lost." It hadn't made any sense at the time. But now it all clicked into place. I didn't even question how a ship would know something like that because it didn't matter. Every bone in my body told me it was the truth. A shitty and really unwanted truth.
A range of emotions flickered across the Doctor's features as he processed what I had said. The one he finally settled on was fury.
"You didn't think perhaps that was the kind of information I might have needed to know immediately? That perhaps that was the sort of thing that was important for you to share-"
"Doctor." The Professor's tone was a warning as he stepped forward. I hadn't even seen him approach; the Doctor's giant head and crazy eyes had been thoroughly occupying my attention. His head whipped around, looking no less furious at the interruption. At least it bought me some time before the end. Maybe I could come up with some classy last words. "I was there as well. It was an obscure message at best. The type that could only make sense within context. And if you recall, it was a rather trying day for everyone." He raised an eyebrow in my direction. Sure. Remind him I was here. Great move.
The Doctor's scowl deepened and I thought maybe he decided to kill us both. He looked back at me, and then something changed. He blinked several times, as though just realizing I was there. Fury and ice and rage all melted away to leave a helpless despair in its wake.
"Fitz. I'm sorry." He croaked, turning to the console and leaning against it with a hunched back. "I just-" he shook his head. "I'm so sorry. Thank you for telling me." He offered a pained smile over his shoulder and let out a slow breath. He didn't resume his frantic and indecipherable dial twisting. He just stood there. The last of his species. Again. And I'd been the one who'd extinguished the last hope that it might be otherwise. Good going.
My feet had carried me over there before I actually had a plan. Once I was standing directly behind the Doctor, I felt like an idiot. Yet another situation where I had no idea what to say. Knowing that even if I did say the right thing, it wouldn't make anything better, I couldn't change the past. That didn't make me hate seeing him like this any less. Granted, he had scared the hell out of me before, and for my blood pressures sake, he should probably contain that a bit better. If I hadn't been so busy hating myself, I might be more upset by his behavior, but honestly, when haven't I lost my temper? I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged as I pressed my cheek against his back.
"You're not a bad person." It was true. No matter the horrible shit things that had happened. I knew it was. He stood completely still, probably surprised, but more than likely just annoyed at my attempt to ease some of his burden. Then a cool hand squeezed my own and I let out a relieved breath. He tilted his head down and kissed the back of my hand and I had to swallow back the lump in my throat. Maybe things weren't so awful anymore, if only by a little.
"Thank you Fitz." He didn't turn around, but I squeezed him once more, just to make sure he knew I had meant it. Here's hoping it was remotely comforting. "Perhaps," he said as I turned to leave. "Perhaps you might speak with Ailla."
"Alright." Speak to her? About what? Well, I knew very well what. But how, and more importantly, why had I been the one nominated? Because I was by far the least qualified of the group. But apparently today was group hug day. Yeah, we'll just hug it out. Sorry your entire race was destroyed and you just now found out. Have a hug!
This was going to go fantastic.