I'm Sorry
Chapter 4
AHA!
Sitting back on the bench, Regina thinks about what she has found. I know where the Bug is. I know she left it for Henry. I have the letter to Henry as well as her cell and badge. No signs of foul play. Emma didn't leave with the pirate. My magic cannot locate her. I believe she is still in Storybrooke. At some point her boots, at least, were in the water and on the beach. Emma has her sidearm and a lot of ammunition. Emma lied to Snow about going camping with Henry. THINK!
"No. No no no no, she wouldn't have." Left her precious Bug to Henry. Left her cell. Left her badge. Lied to give herself time for whatever she was really going to do. Was in the water!
"Gods, Emma. You didn't try to drown yourself, did you ?" one hand clutching her seemingly not beating heart, the other covering her eyes, head bent down, trying to be as small as possible.
But the footprints indicate she LEFT the water, on her own. Maybe she went out in the sea but changed her mind. She came ashore!
Able now to breathe, heart beating again Regina realizes that she may not find Emma alive. Not after nine days. But the determination to find her is stronger now. Where would she go?
Not into the forest. Emma hated the Enchanted Forest. Where could she go that my magic can't…
"My crypt! Of course! All the protection spells I have placed on it…." Genius Emma. One of the most fortified places. Please let her have not forbidden me entry.
Hurrying back to the Mercedes, Regina debates whether to call Henry. I don't want him to get his hopes up. I don't want him to show up there. I don't know for certain that Emma is there. I don't know what condition Emma maybe in. Lets wait.
The drive takes no time at all. Not because Regina uses magic. It is because her body is on autopilot driving while her mind plays back memories of Emma. Tears fall unheeded while "Please be there and alive" tumbles out, over and over.
Parking as close as possible Regina isn't sure her feet even touch the ground before she is inside, tripping the secret latch to swing the sarcophagus aside, and revealing the stairs. Good, Emma did not bar my entry. A deep breath later she is down the stairs, lighting the candles with a wave of her hand. Trying to take in every detail, to see if her things have been disturbed, wishing she had not made it so big.
Room to room to room detecting nothing amiss. Panic starting to well up. Gods, if she is not here what is next? Where else to look?
Finally, in the last room- Emma! But she is not awake. Kneeling down, reaching to check for a pulse. Warm. She is warm. And breathing.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Taking in the sight of Emma sitting on the floor against the wall, breathing. Her hair is a tangled mess, red leather jacket zipped all the way up, jeans torn at one knee with a small dried blood stain, the boots still have some sand on the sides.
Pain from one knee makes Regina aware that she is kneeling on something. Picking up her knee to move the offending item it's a shell casing. Brass, I think it's called. A spent shell casing. Emma fired her weapon in here. Standing up Regina sees that there are several spent casings on the floor. The smell in the air must be gunpowder. Not several. Lots of spent casings. But there is no one else here. What was she shooting? Where?
Looking around more closely there are no bullet holes in the walls. Or the paintings. Or the furniture. Or the books and whatnot on the shelves. There is an empty bottle of scotch. And a broken chair. And damaged razor blades. Standing by the remains of the smashed chair, Regina looks up. A rope. Hanging down with what looks like a frayed noose. Tied off around a wall sconce.
Going back to Emma, Regina decides to try to rouse her. First things first. Conjuring a chaise, which will be much more comfortable than the concrete floor for both of them, then levitating Emma onto it. Bottled water is next. An IV would be better and if Emma won't wake one will be needed sooner rather than later. Food will have to wait.
Now that Emma is lying down, a thick angry red blistering raw welt is apparent running under her jaw from ear to ear. The rope. Wondering what other injuries are hidden under the jacket, Regina carefully unzips and removes it. There are multiple angry red grooves running up each arm from wrist to elbow. The razor blades. Pulling up the hem of the untucked tank top, there are circular bruises…about the size of a fifty cent piece…some are very close to one another, some are separate…some look like multiple bruises layered one atop each other…this is soft tissue damage. From being shot while wearing a bullet-proof vest. Remember that video that came with the new vests? Better broken ribs than a through-and-through.
Unable to stand any longer with the images of what Emma has done to herself flashing in her mind, Regina perches on the edge of the chaise.
Not knowing which of the various injuries to try to heal first, Regina just starts with the nearest bruise, holding her hand an inch or so above Emma's flesh while concentrating, willing her magic out gently. I had forgotten how our magic combines, magnifies. With the boost from Emma's magic the bruising on her torso was fading quickly…all of them. Even unconscious, undirected her magic is so strong. Glancing up to the nasty welt left by the rope Regina is pleased to see it has faded already to a thin pink line. Tapering off on the amount of magic going into Emma, concerned about overloading her system in her physically weakened state, Regina moves her hand from her torso to the nearest arm and…the cuts are completely gone.
"Thirsty" One whisper soft arid word.
"Here, let me help you sit up." Quickly opening a bottle of water, holding it to Emma's lips "Small sips, that's it…let that settle before you try more."
"Hurts" a bit louder, clearer.
"Where? Show me where it hurts."
"Leg…water"
"Here, remember-sips."
After letting Emma take a few more sips, Regina pivots to face Emma's feet. The dried blood stain at the knee is dry no longer. Nor small. Tearing the hole wider, Regina's eyes widen and she barely restrains a gasp. A piece of the chair had been embedded in the leg starting just above the knee reaching up to mid-thigh like a splinter. But this 'splinter' is about an inch in diameter. Our combined magic must have started to push it out. Hovering her hand over the protruding end of the splinter, Regina first pictures the area becoming numb, then "seeing" the splinter pulled smoothly all the way out. Switching back to healing magic, the blood flow slows. Moments later wound is closed.
"Thanks, better" raspy but much stronger.
Pivoting back to face Emma, Regina watches her take a deep breath, then sniff the air.
"Regina? Are you really here? Or is this my wishful imagination again? Just to see you one more time…to have your breathtaking smile wash over me would be the greatest gift…but that is not to be. I hope to die soon..." tears streaming from still closed eyes.
"Yes, Emma I am here. Please, dear, open your eyes," pleading "Open your eyes for me."
"Kay, but I know you are not here…last person you want to see…woulda been kinder to kill you than bring her back…I didn't know, I didn't know…no excuse, though…thought I was helping…one less death on your hands…just another in a long list of stupid things I have done…s'okay. I am at peace, I accept that I am trash, disposable, replaceable…no, no more about me…OH GOD! Did I tell you I hurt Regina? I did. I hurt her, terribly. Must go away…die" impossibly there are even more tears.
Trying to keep her voice from betraying any emotion, Regina tries again. "Emma, I am here…please open your eyes."
"No, you're not. With Henry. Where you should be." Flat, defeated. But her eyes open. "Gotta be hallucinating."
"I know you dropped Henry off with me. But then what happened? Tell me Emma, please"
"You smell like Regina…her magic…apples and spices. I miss that…her." Eyes open but not focusing. This must be what they mean by 1,000 yard stare.
"Your magic smells like sunshine after the rain. It is me, Emma. What happened? What did you do?" trying a cajoling tone.
"Had to get Henry to you…important you not be alone. Hurt you. Went to write note for Henry. Left badge I no longer deserved. No need for cell…no one to call. Walked to beach. Sat on the bench. Long time. Thinking. Remembering. Thought it would be better if no body to clean up. Let sea take me. Drink?"
"Yes, right here." Helping Emma take more sips. "Not too much. Can you hold the bottle?" Relieved that Emma can hold the bottle and is speaking coherently despite thinking she is a hallucination Regina lets Emma have all the sips of water she wants.
"Did you know witches float? Salem witch trials got that right. At least for me. Walked until I couldn't…swam and swam as far as I could…started to go under…thought it was over. Chest hurt as went deeper…think I passed out. Then was floating back to shore. Turns out my magic won't let me drown. What to do now?"
Although Emma's voice is stronger, it is clear that this robotic recounting is a matter of fact play by play. There are no more tears.
"I see. Then what happened?"
"Walked back to room. Got sidearm, extra magazines. Box of ammo. Supposed to go to range to requalify. Thought for…awhile. Drank some scotch. Razor blades. Rope from Bug. Where to go? Where? Don't want to be gruesome mess for anyone to clean up. Not forest. Eaten by animals…gross. Be alone. Inside…someplace"
Watching Emma finish the bottle of water, Regina quickly swaps out the empty for a full, opened bottle.
"Crypt. Started walking. Drinking. Thinking. No forgiveness. Hurt Regina. Must atone. Finally arrive. Go to furthest room. No one would look there, not for me. New baby…take my place. Never really had a place…didn't fit…too old for parents. Did my duty, broke curse. Everybody happy…but not Regina. Want Regina happy. Fucked up. Hurt Regina. Took away her happy ending. Done now. No need for me anymore. Remembered foster home where little girl cut wrists…but wrong way…across not lengthwise. Razor blade. Try to go deep, bury blade in…wrist to elbow. Nothing. Try again. Again. Again. Again. Blade bent. No blood. Damned magic. New blade. Try other arm. Push hard. Harder. Again. Again. Again. Can't even do this right. Go find chair. Tie noose. Toss it over beam. Tie it off. Stand on chair, noose around neck, push chair with feet. Neck hurts. Getting hard to see. Darker. Then falling. Despair. Failure. Magic frayed rope. Leg hurts...arms hurt…neck hurts…doesn't matter. Nothing like Regina hurts." Emma finally pauses to drink. Regina is grateful for the quiet, for the images to fade from her mind's eye, but dreads what is coming next.
"Sit over against wall. Try shooting myself. Hurts. No blood. Try shooting different place. Try shooting several times, different places rapidly. Angry not working. Empty clip. Reload. Empty Clip. Reload. Reload now empty magazines. Hurts. No blood. No wounds. No good. Decide to try starving. Wait for death to come."
"Emma, you don't have to die. I am not angry with you anymore. Let me take you home."
"Home? Home? I have no home, just places to sleep. Leave me here." Still in the robotic tone.
"Yes you do have a home, people who love you" Regina pleads reaching to touch
Seeing the movement Emma's eyes suddenly focus, "Don't touch me!" the shout echoes.
"Why shouldn't I touch you?" brokenly whispered.
"Don't you know? When we touch, even in anger, you feel like home to me. Where I am supposed to be…safe…where I matter…worthy of affection…not the Savior…not the Sheriff…not the White Knight…just me…and I no longer deserve your touch."