I'm Sorry

Chapter 7

A/N my thanks to all of you dear, sweet readers

Trigger Warning: Suicide Attempts

Emma stands up, finishing off the tumbler of whatever it was, enjoying the burn, while trying to think of a way to get out of talking with Regina without hurting or upsetting her. Several ideas come to mind, each as unlikely as the next one. With a heavy sigh, she walks over and picks up Regina's empty glass.

"Okay, where do I get more of whatever you poured us? I know it's not your cider."

"The decanter is on that side table, next to the ice bucket." Standing as well Regina points to the table. "While you are doing that, I will attend to the fire."

"Do you recall giving me your heart, Ms. Swan?" Perhaps this topic should be handled while we are both doing something else. Hearing Emma drop the ice tongs, Regina reconsiders.

"I did that, huh. Thought that happened when I was talking to the you in my head. Sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that." Emma was taking an inordinate amount of time to pour two drinks.

"Having you recount the events leading to my finding you and then actually holding your heart gave me considerable insight to your feelings. To the depth of your feelings, really. While I was looking for you I had time to examine my feelings as well." Turning from the fire to return to the couch, Regina sees that Emma has been standing stock still holding the two tumblers with a very sad expression on her face.

"I…umm am not ready to hear how disappointed you are with me. Not here with the real you. Your expression at the diner…the pain in your eyes, knowing I am the one responsible for putting it there…that was bad enough."

Crossing over to Emma, gently taking one tumbler from an outstretched hand, Regina leads Emma back to the couch. "Let us sit. What do you mean 'the real me'?"

"I've been having conversations with you in my head. They don't go well. I can't explain why I did it any better than I already have and you always have that 'surprised I've been stabbed in the back by the last person I expected' heartbroken look on your face, in the catch of your breath, in the tone of your voice. Anything I've come up with to apologize, to make it right, seemed so half assed lame that I decided to pay with my pitiful life. Right now that doesn't feel like enough, though."

"Don't you understand that you would be profoundly missed?"

"The precious Savior might be missed but not…not me. Ruby will make an excellent Sheriff. Snow and David have their new baby. Henry has you and you have Henry. I have done what was prophesied. I should have left then, maybe things would be better for you now."

"You are very much wanted, needed and loved here. Everyone would be effected by your absence."

Emma snorted at that. "Not everyone. And love is more troublesome than it is worth."

"Why do you say that?

"Neal, Snow, David, Killian all claim to love me but it feels more like they each want me to be someone I'm not. A piece of me, like I am property or a prize…to dictate how I should behave. It's not what I thought it would be like to have parents. It doesn't matter anyway. The baby will take my place, be better."

"What about Henry? He would miss you, wonder why you left him."

"Henry will be okay. I was never meant to be a mother anyway. Besides, he has you."

"I don't think that is true. You love him. You want the best for him. You fight for him. You provide for him. You talk with him, spend time with him, look out for him, help him see life as not just black and white…what else do you think you need to do for him?"

"I have always been a fuck up, a disappointment, not enough in some undefinable way…that doesn't seem to be changing no matter what I try to do or not do."

"I see. Well, Ms. Swan you seem to have a negative answer for everything. What about me?"

"What do you mean, you?" suddenly finding the contents of the tumbler very interesting.

"Don't you, don't you think I would miss you?"

"You wouldn't have to keep saving me, you could have Henry all to yourself, my parents would leave you alone…I see only pluses, really."

"But there would be no one to challenge me, call me out when I am about to go too far, remind me that I do have choices, someone to share Henry with."

Thinking that Regina is finished speaking Emma is about to reply when quietly

"Someone to care for."

Stunned, Emma just sits, wide eyed, mouth open slightly. The only sounds the soft music and crackling fire.

"I know how you feel about me, Emma. You gave me your heart. I held it and couldn't help but feel your feelings for so many people. I have known for a while that you cared for me. All the times you came to defend me, help me, even when you didn't have to. I was at Granny's when you told off those men who were talking about me. I had never witnessed you so angry and to know it was on my behalf was a revelation. But I didn't know your feelings for me were so deep, multifaceted until the crypt."

Regina chances a glance only to see Emma curled into herself, crying again.

"Why are you crying?"

"This, this is what I've been dreading, you finding out that I lo…I don't want you to think I brought her back on purpose…to sabotage you and Robin…I didn't know, I swear, I didn't know…"

Standing up, walking the few steps to sit down right at Emma's side "Shhh, it's okay. I didn't think that, I don't think that…I believe you when you say you only want my happiness. You care so much that you put others wants before your own."

"Why are you so understanding? I don't deserve" Emma's words are stopped by Regina's fingertips against her lips.

"I don't know how to convince you…give me your hands. No arguing. Just for once, comply Ms. Swan."

Emma wipes the tears off her cheeks then wipes her hands on her jeans before holding out both hands towards Regina. Looking up only when she feels something warm being placed into her hands.

"Holy shit Regina! Put that back"

"It is only fair. I held yours, now you hold mine."

Emma cradles the heart, feeling its weight, studying its scars, noting the changes in color from small spots of bright blood red to larger areas of deep, dark black. Never having held a heart before, Emma thinks it is smaller than she expected and much heavier. Wondering if she'll be able to access feelings like Regina does, her hands start to tremble. Not wanting to drop Regina's heart, she holds it to her chest, against her own, feeling the beats of the two organs synchronize. Leaning back to ensure her hands wont squeeze, the feelings, Regina's feelings start to flow into her own. Unconditional love for Henry. Affection and admiration for Granny and Ruby. Complicated, entwined feelings for Snow that will take some time to sort out, if Emma is able to hold on to them. Feelings for other people whose images pass by too quickly to identify. Oh, Cora. Love, adoration, disappointment, awe, frustration, fear, manipulation, dissatisfied, vindictiveness, revenge, intimidation so many, so fast, felt for Cora and from Cora…Henry. Again? Oh, Henry her father. Love and overwhelming disappointment with a touch of shame. Love, admiration, compassion, empathy, comradery, playfulness, glorious happiness…for who? Who is the lucky soul that Regina feels like this for?

Ohholyshitchristwhatthefuck! Its ME!

Regina has been watching the play of emotions across Emma's face and knows when her feelings for Emma hit her. Emma's eyes, which had been lost looking inwards are now actively seeking her own.

"Yes, it is true. Just as true as your feelings for me. Hearts can't lie." Regina whispers.

"Jesus, Regina. I just…and you…I am holding your heart! Christ, put it back before I do something wrong!" Although Emma wants to shove the heart back to Regina so that she can put it back, she moves as slowly as she can. The precious gift that she has been given must be treated with the utmost care. Gently transferring the heart from her cupped hands into Regina's open palms, there is a gasp.

"Fuck, what did I do now? Are you hurt?" Panic and concern rival one another in Emma's tone.

"No, no Emma. I am fine." Regina soothes. "My heart, though. Look!"

"I can't take hurting you again, I told you I fuck everything up! Should I get Rumple?!" Emma is looking wildly around for something, someone to help that she misses the ecstatic look on Regina's face.

"Calm down, Emma. I am fine. You are fine. Relax, breathe, dear." Patting Emma's hands with her free one, Regina waits until Emma breathes easy.

"Look." Holding her heart out towards Emma both women stare in wonder.

"Did I…did I do that? Did it hurt? Are you still you?" Emma stammers in an awed whisper. Taking in the heart again, now it is bigger. More like the size Emma imagined. And the coloring is different. A lot more bright, blood red…a lot less deep, dark black, although there is still black there. The scars don't seem to be as prominent, either.

"You took away most of the blackness…look at it glow…and it is not so heavy. Do you want to hold it again?" Regina's eyes move from her heart to Emma's eyes and back again, a smile gracing her lips.

"Are you kidding? You don't know if this is bad! Are you still you? Did this change you, somehow?" worried, grasping Regina's free hand.

"I don't feel any different right now. I didn't feel any pain while you were holding my heart, just your feelings for me. Which are warm, so very warm, soothing, and gentle-almost shy."

"Well, if you think it is safe, put it back in Regina, please" Emma can't hold her gaze into Regina's bright eyes any longer.

Regina reluctantly decides that she can't really sit here forever looking at her heart and puts it back in with a small "Oh."

"Was that a good 'oh' or a bad 'oh'?" Emma tentatively asks.

"Good. Definitely good. I feel lighter, free in some way." The smile is even bigger than before.

"Good as in I wanna curse the whole town or good as in I am sitting on the floor with a dozen puppies?"

Full, rich laughter, Regina with her head thrown back is a sight and sound to behold. "Oh, Emma. Puppies good."

"Soooo, you are okay?"

"Better than merely okay. Thank you. But I do have a question for you." Dancing, bright eyes.

"Yeah, sure…ask away. You don't have to thank me, I would do anything for you." Shy Emma is adorable.

"I would like to see your heart. I want to make sure you didn't absorb the blackness from mine. Would you take it out? Or do you trust me to?"

Emma picks up their still joined hands and places Regina's over her heart, meeting her eyes intently, "I told you already, this is yours. Do with it what pleases you."

Regina knows it hurts like hell to have someone rip your heart out, having had it done to herself by Rumple. The thought that she might not be able to remove Emma's heart since Cora couldn't flits across her mind as well. Her hand sinks into Emma's chest and fingers wrap around her heart. The sensation is so different. "Intent. Emotion. That makes all the difference." And Emma's heart is out of her chest, glowing as brightly as ever, beating strong, with nary even a darker spot. Relieved, Regina puts it immediately back in.

"All is well, Emma. Your heart is as light, good, and pure as it was when I held it in the crypt."

"And I have told you three times now, It. Is. Yours."