We're Not in Earthland Anymore

"Is your hand on fire?! Get away from me!" "You're a natural actress, Erza." Who would have thought that Natsu was scared of fire, or that Erza could actually act? Are we in Edolas? This is definitely not a normal day in Fairy Tail... AUish, crack. One shot.

It was just a normal day in the guild of Fairy Tail...

...Or was it?

Lucy skipped into the guild and waved at Cana. "Can I get a milkshake, please, Cana?" she asked. The brunette rolled her eyes.

"Ugh, coming."

As Lucy sipped her milkshake, Natsu burst into the guild, pushing people to the side as he hopped onto a bar stool next to her. "Canaaaaa!" he yelled. "I'm thirsty!"

Cana started grumbling under her breath. "Ever since Master made me be a bartender, everyone has been ordering more often. Are you trying to make me even busier?" She huffed.

Natsu beamed. "Yep!"

"Why do you have to act as a bartender, anyway, Cana?" Lucy asked. "I don't remember the reason why."

Cana paused cleaning the counter and put a hand on her chin, rubbing it as she thought. "Well... it might have been because I almost put us out of business by drinking all the alcohol... nah, probably 'cause I blew up a town last week."

"Huh? Which town, Cana?" Natsu said.

"Eh... Crocus, I think?" Cana guessed. "I don't really remember, 'cause straight after that I hit a bar in another town..."

"...and drank the bar out of business," Lucy finished, sighing. "Wait, Crocus?! That's Fiore's capital, Cana!"

Natsu grinned. "That's the strongest wizard in Fairy Tail for ya!" he yelled. Cana flipped her hair the same way valley girls did, winking. "That's right!...but now I have to work the bar instead of going on missions for the next two weeks."

"Natsu, what do you think would happen if we did that sort of thing?" Lucy said to her teammate. They both shuddered at the thought.

"Master's punishment is really harsh..." Natsu squeaked. "I don't want to imagine that!"

Just then, Erza came through the door, downcast.

"Erza! What's wrong?" Lucy asked. The scarlet haired woman shook her head as she joined the three at the bar.

"I failed the last mission I went on... again," Erza muttered. "Master would be ashamed of me... I promised myself I would complete it, but..."

"What was the mission?" Natsu spoke up. Cana leaned over the bar, interested.

"I had to slay a couple of baby demons near Hargeon," Erza replied. "But I messed up, and in the end, the townspeople killed them instead!" she put a hand to her head. "I'm the weakest mage in Fairy Tail!"

"Ya should have taken an acting job, Erza!" Cana said. "I've seen your plays. You're amazing!"

Erza perked up. "You really think so?"

"Of course! Everyone in Fairy Tail saw you in that play last month!" Lucy said.

Natsu nodded. "You're a natural actress, Erza."

They were telling the truth – Erza was one of the best actresses in Fairy Tail, if not Fiore. She was always taking missions that had her staring in plays. Because of her famous plays (Such as A Flower Blooms in the Rain, Daybreak, and Frederick and Yanderica), Erza was known around the world as the "Acting Demon". However, her talent onstage did not apply to her performance in jobs offstage, and Erza was known as one of the weakest members in their guild, while Lucy, Cana, Macao, and Wakaba claimed the title of S-Class Wizards.

"Thank you, everyone," Erza said. Hopping off of a bar stool, she nearly crashed into Levy McGarden, who was fighting with her boyfriend, Gajeel Redfox.

"First you invade Fairy Hills, then you get me kicked out of the library, and now you've destroyed my favorite book? Why do I even bother dating you?!" Levy screamed. Gajeel, shivering under her glare, squeaked and tried to escape, but Levy was too fast as she grabbed a mug from a nearby table and smashed it over her head. "Take that!"

"I wish they would stop fighting," Natsu grumbled. "They're both so annoying."

"I've always been surprised that, even though she has no muscles, Levy's as strong as an S-Class Wizard. Why isn't she one yet, again?" Cana asked, but didn't wait for an answer before moving on. "And Gajeel, even though he has a six pack and everything, is nothing without Levy."

"But they will make up, soon," Lucy said. "They might fight, but Levy and Gajeel always have each others backs. And at least they aren't as bad as Bisca and Alzack, or maybe Wendy." She pointed to a man and a woman bickering behind them. Though they had the same magic, Bisca and Alzack were the worst enemies you could imagine.

Meanwhile, Natsu happened to catch the eye of Wendy. A new recruit, the Sky Dragon Slayer was all about fighting. As soon as his gaze made contact with the twelve year old's, Wendy stood up on her chair. "You wish to fight me, Natsu-san?! I'll win against you any day!" Wendy yelled. "Roar of the Sky Dra-"

"Let's not damage the bar!" Cana interrupted. Lucy glanced at a relieved Natsu, who was sweating buckets, and laughed. "She talks so formally, yet her attitude makes you think different."

"Probably the way she was brought up," a new voice spoke up. One of the greatest wizards in Fairy Tail's son, Romeo, hopped onto a bar stool on the other side of Lucy. "What's up, Lucy-san? Didja take any new missions recently?"

"Not since you asked me this morning, Romeo," Lucy replied. The thirteen year old boy had idolized Lucy the moment she'd joined Fairy Tail two years before. "But Natsu and I are probably going to take a mission tomorrow, if you'd like to join us."

"That would be awesome!" Romeo said, lighting his hand on fire using his purple flare magic. Natsu shrieked like a little girl, hiding behind Lucy.

"Is your hand on fire?! Get away from me!" Natsu growled. Everyone in the guild knew of Natsu's phobia to fire, which was the exact reason why Romeo was lighting his hand on fire.

"Sorry, Natsu," Romeo chuckled as the flame disappeared. Lucy rolled her eyes at Natsu's embarrassed face.

"Fight me, Natsu-san!" a fist came into Natsu's face and the pink haired boy fell off of his bar stool and onto the floor. Wendy hopped onto the stool saying, "Sky Dragon's Wing Attack!" A whirlwind of air sailed into Natsu's back, to which he yelped at. "Ouch... Wendy..."

"Really, Natsu? Defeated in one blow?" Romeo scoffed. "I could do better than that!" He climbed onto a table and chanted his spell. "Yellow Fire!"

A golden flame appeared in Romeo's hand, which he flung at Wendy. It hit her in the face and she stumbled off of the stool and onto the ground.

"This flame doesn't burn..." Wendy noted. "But... it smells awful, Romeo-chan!" She started to cough as Lucy glared at the boy, Cana laughed, and Natsu gave a noise of fear.

"Romeo! Don't attack Wendy with that! She's younger than you!" Lucy chided. Romeo blinked.

"Um, Wendy is younger than all of us," he pointed out.

Wendy said, "It's okay, Lucy-san. If he wants to fight, I'll gladly spar with him!"

As the two youngest guild members fought, Lucy saw Cana look around to see who else was in the guild. When satisfied no one was looking at her (and missing Lucy's suspicious stare in the process), the brunette took a wine bottle and drank it. All of it.

"Cana! That was a very expensive bottle you just drank! You better pay for that!" Macao shouted from where he was, hanging out with his buddy Wakaba and talking to his wife (the Conbolts were a very close family, from what Lucy heard). Macao stood up and cats several balls of purple fire to fire at Cana, who ducked under the bar.

"You dare challenge Fairy Tail's strongest wizard?!" Cana growled. She threw several cards out. "Heaven Card! Reversed Death! Mountain! Summoned Lightning!"

As Lucy watched the battles beginning, she sighed. "Romeo versus Wendy, Alzack versus Bisca, Levy against Gajeel, and Cana attacking Macao... and now Wakaba versus Natsu..."

Her teammate was currently punching Wakaba as the S-class wizard sent smoke-versions of himself to attack. Despite having very weak magic, Natsu was easily winning due to his strength and speed. Alzack and Bisca were having a shootout, Bisca taking cover from an overturned table and Alzack shooting from behind the bar. Levy was chasing Gajeel around the guild as the black haired man begged for forgiveness, and Wendy had almost knocked Romeo out with her Sky Dragon's Claws attack, having enhanced herself with her powers.

Lucy watched as Macao dodged the lightning bolts thrown his way and responded with more purple firebolts. One of them struck Cana on the leg, who hissed, and pulled up her sleeve. "Gather, O river of light that guides the fairies! Shine, in order to perish the fangs of evil! Fairy Gli-"

"No! Cana!" Lucy rushed in front of the taller female, waving her arms. "You'll destroy the guild!"

"Eh? I wont go that overboard, Lucy," Cana replied. "Just want to show Macao whose stronger."

"But he was just telling you to pay for your drink..." Lucy put a hand on her forehead as she watched the guild fight. Gray Fullbuster, who was Juvia's boyfriend, entered the guild with Juvia Loxar. The two quickly joined the fight, Juvia helping Bisca by shooting water bullets and Gray tackling Macao with an "Iron Fist". Lucy winced when she saw a water bullet hit Alzack's cheek, though the man didn't seemed fazed.

"This guild just went from calm to a complete mess," Lucy said. "Where's Master when you need -"

"Are you all fighting again?" Lucy turned, expecting to see her savior, but "savior" didn't seem always to fit Erza, who had reentered the guild with a small backpack – the woman had always insisted on bringing as little stuff as you could so you didn't have a bunch of useless items to carry.

"I'm going to act in a play in Crocus, to help earn money for the charities rebuilding the city after Cana's attack. Would you like to come with me, Lucy?" the redhead asked. Lucy thought about it. For less than a second.

"Let me get my stuff from my apartment real quick!" Lucy gasped, racing out of the guild right as Cana sent a Prayer's Fountain card that missed Macao and stuck right where the blonde had been seconds before. Erza gazed around at the different matches going on.

"Where is Master?" she wondered, frowning. "I would have thought that Master would be here to break up the fights..."

"Erza, what in Earthland is going on here?!" Erza turned to see Makarov.

"The guild seems to have torn itself apart, Makarov," Erza replied. "They're all fighting... Lucy and I are to go on an acting job in Crocus to make up for Cana's destruction a few weeks ago."

The old man grinned. "That's good. But in the mean time..." his voice boomed as he turned into his titan form, growing bigger and bigger until his head touched the ceiling. "All of you, stop fighting!"

Everyone broke apart at his shout. Cana quickly pulled her sleeve back down, stepping away from a KO'd Macao and Gray and going back behind the bar. Natsu sat on down at a table, grinning in spite of his bruises from fighting Wakaba. Wendy and Romeo shook hands, Wendy saying she wanted to fight with him again, and Bisca thanked Juvia for her help as Alzack glared at the two women. Levy and Gajeel quickly made up and proceeded to start kissing and acting like a couple again.

"Do all of you have no shame?" Makarov growled. "Fighting, when we could have an important visitor come in, or an emergency happen! Fairy Tail's Guild Master would be very ashamed if that person were to see this!"

"But Master is on a job right now, right?" the voice of Mirajane piped up as she stood next to the job board, her siblings behind her. The trio were strong wizards who always went on jobs together. Mirajane knew Animal Soul, Lissana practiced Beast Soul, while Elfman was mastering Demon Soul.

"That may be true." Erza admitted, "But that doesn't mean you should fight. We have jobs to take, duties to attend to, plays to act, and lives to save! We are Fairy Tail, not Blue Pegasus!" Everyone shuddered at the thought of Fiore's most disgusting Guild (rumor has it that the bar hadn't been cleaned in seven years, and that the Guildmaster, Master Bob, was a very cranky and mean man), and straightened themselves out.

Makarov nodded at Erza as he shrunk back down. "Thank you, Erza. When will you be leaving for Crocus?"

"As soon as Lucy gets back, Master..."

"Hey! Lucy's leaving without me?!" Natsu ran over to Erza. "Can I come, too?"

"Of course, Natsu," Erza replied. "Get your stuff together at your place and meet us at the train station in a half hour."

"Yes! Alright!" Natsu cheered. "I get to see you preform in a play and get a couple of jewels! Plus a cool train ride all the way to the capital!"

"Gray thinks it would be a good experience if Gray and Juvia-sama went too," Gray said. His girlfriend was clinging onto his arm as he walked up.

"But I am busy soon, Gray," Juvia said. "I planned a shopping trip with Levy and Cana at two."

Gray gasped. "Juvia-sama! How could you betray Gray?! I just signed us up for a mission without knowing you were already booked!" Natsu, Erza, and Makarov watched the couple talk, all of them slightly confused.

"Why are you talking in third person, Gray...?" Erza asked – but was ignored when Juvia said, "You can go without me, Gray. Why don't the four of you head to Crocus instead?"

"Fine... Gray will go without Juvia-sama... but Gray will miss Juvia every second of the mission!" Gray proclaimed, lighting a fist on fire and raising it up in the air.

Juvia agreed, saying, "I will miss you too, Gray! I will be waiting for you, thinking about you, for every second I can!"

The two hugged, not noticing their audience. "Um... why are they talking as if they wont see each other for months?" Natsu questioned.

"Maybe Gray is already practicing for his role?" Erza said. "I cannot wait to get onto stage again! Let us do some vocal exercises!"

"Eh?" Natsu tried to run away but was pulled back by Erza's strong grip. "Let's start, Natsu! Doe – ray – me!"

"Do rain feet?"

"Fa – so – la – ti – da!"

"Far so laugh tea dawn?" At this point, Makarov had given up trying to understand the situation, and was walking over to the bar to order a drink by a very frustrated Cana. Juvia and Gray were still locked in their embrace as Erza tried to teach Natsu how to sing.

"Excellent! Now, string it all together!"

"Though rain sees far so laughs see dawn?"

"Perfect, Natsu!" Erza said. As she said this, Lucy walked back in the guild. "What's going on?"

"I can sing, Lucy! Listen!" Natsu started to howl words that sounded only slightly similar to what Erza was teaching him.

"You sound like a monkey! Stop! Stop!" Lucy put her hands over her ears, glaring at both Erza and Natsu. "Let's go, Erza..."

"I'm coming too, Lucy! So is Gray! And we can practice singing in the train!" Natsu exclaimed, not hearing what Lucy had said first over his loud – and terrible – singing. Lucy groaned. "Great..."

Gajeel, who had walked into a backroom for a minute, came back with a cat on his shoulder. "Ghihihi, look at my awesome cat!" The small feline on his shoulder was chewing on a kiwi. Pantherlily's rounded bear – like ears twitched as he ate.

"Man, I wish I had a cat," Natsu muttered. "Why does he get one, but I don't?" Across the guild, Wendy was saying the same thing, also looking downcast.

"Ghihihi, you're both jealous of my awesome cats, aren't you?" Gajeel said. Natsu glared. "What did you just say?"

"Jealous loser." Gajeel put his cat down onto the table.

"Cat man." The air seemed to get a little colder as Natsu walked forward.

"What – no, I only have three cats -" Gajeel's frown became deeper.

"For now. What do you think of single with forty?" Natsu asked. He started to mutter something.

"Natsu -" Lucy didn't get to finish her setence.

"- make cats!" The air dropped several degrees as hundreds of tiny kittens dropped from nowhere and sprang towards Gajeel.

"Meet Tiny, Fluffy, Princess, Buffy, Muffin, Milliana, Tuffy, Frosty, Rusty, Luffy, Huffy, Steve," Natsu listed as each cat appeared Gajeel's scream grew louder. "Luigi, Minnie, Duffy, Zuffy, Puffy, Bubles, Leelo, Sunny -"

Lucy ordered, "Stop it, Natsu! You're overwhelming him with those ice cats."

The cats all disappeared instantly, Natsu pouting. "It's time to go on that job, anyway," Lucy continued. "Let's go – to the train station!"

"Now Gray is glad Gray is not going..." said man muttered, clutching his stomach as he ran out of the room to the nearest bathroom.

I don't even know.

Any information I say in this is completely fake, from Natsu's phobia to fire to the Strauss siblings' powers, as well as the Master's true identity (which shall never be revealed mwahahahaha)

In case you didn't notice, Gray – Fire Dragon Slaying Magic while Natsu has Ice Make Magic.

Review maybe?