GOTGOTGOT
She made a horrible mistake. She knew it. She should have just walked out but she got frozen at his husband's voice. He was talking to his bastard son.
About his mother.
Another woman, who had given love to his husband when she was not around. When her husband betrayed her. His bastard son, the walking talking betrayal was not enough though, because now her husband had expressed his long forgotten feelings for that woman. He had never talked about it. Not even once. He has strictly prohibited everyone is the castle about it. But now he was talking himself and not to her but to his bastard son.
Maybe he thought he is going to die in the coming war. Catelyn could expect anything from her husband now. He had survived the toughest wars like of Robert's Rebellion and Greyjoy's Rebellion, but this war was something else. This war had the dragons in it. Whatever her husband had thought, it didn't matter now.
He had expressed his feelings for another woman.
"I would have never abandoned her. I loved her. If the gods ever wanted, I would have brought her back to Winterfell." Her husband said. If the gods ever wanted he would have brought her home with his bastard son. Catelyn was standing at the door of the council chambers. She had come to talk something about managing the castle in his absence. What was that something she had long forgotten now. She was about to knock she swore on Seven, but she froze. Her hand could not be lifted. Her legs could not walk out. And so she listened.
All these years, she has fooled herself that she is the lady of the Winterfell, not knowing she is living under the shadow of Wretched woman's place. And what if that woman would be here, if Ned's old gods ever wanted her to be here. What would then?
"Would Ned have married her? And made her the lady of the Winterfell. And made his bastard son his heir?" These were not the questions these were bites of a snake, deadliest snake that has always been there in the dark but she could not see it. Her husband had kept her in the dark and the dark was better than these bites.
Ned could not do all such things because his gods never wanted it. Why his gods didn't want it. Maybe she is dead? Maybe she had rejected Ned's offer? Maybe she loved someone else and Ned forced himself on her? Some other snake bites.
I should talk to him. And survive these bites. She wondered in the dark of her solar. Ned didn't come at that night. He was off to the war again. He was preparing to leave. "Leave and never come back." Some rebellious tears broke out.
How many of these tears came after she didn't know but the time flied. Just like it has always been. Morning light came at last and then her chambermaid knocked on her door informing about his husband's call. He was going to the war. He wanted me to see him off. How can he? I will not go. A random thought. What would the people say? Another snake bite.
"I'm coming." She informed her and dressed in her usual garments and usual smile. Whatever her husband had done to her, she is not going to see him off in the mourning state. He deserved it but I love him.
She was standing on the castle steps, when he came and planted a kiss on her lips and then on her forehead. Snake bites. "I must go my lady, you have to understand." He begged, or did he need begging.
"Go my love." She smiled, and Ned saw the hints.
"Is something wrong my lady? Are you well?" He asked.
"You're going to a war my lord. Is there anything more wrong you require?" She asked bitterly and he nodded.
"Take care of yourself and my children. I'm leaving Robb as the acting lord but you have to guide him thoroughly. He needs it." She nodded, and what if you want to make your bastard the acting lord of Winterfell? Snake bite.
She watched the departure of the troops behind her husband's horse and then a sudden silence fell all over the castle again. Catelyn was about to reenter in the castle, when she saw Jon standing on the door of the one of the stables. He has always been quiet, this boy. Although she never had noticed. But today he was quieter, and maybe she knew the reason of it. Maybe he is sad because he can't be the lord of the Winterfell because Ned's gods didn't allow it. Snake bite.
And suddenly it happened. She had never wanted it. Ned was thinking to let the boy take the black but he also had made it clear it that it will be when the boy will be at least of twenty. Catelyn was counting the days but now she had stopped because whatever conversation has happened between her husband and this boy after her leaving can be anything. She was certain they had talked about the future lordship. She cannot allow it and now she realized she had to do something about it.
"Jon Snow?" She called suddenly. Every face in the yard was surprised but most importantly it was of the boy himself. She had never called him before. She did that now though. "I'm doing this for my Robb." She assured herself. Jon was on his feet after her voice. He was coming toward her. Now I have to be strong.
Whole yard was looking toward her. Though her children were not there. She was thanking the Seven for it. Robb had gone with Ned to see him off to the boundary of the Winterfell and perhaps would return on morrow and her remaining children were inside the castle. Only some maids, peasants and stable boys were wandering here and there, and Ser Rodrik and Maester Luwin. What these two are doing here? She thought but didn't flinch. Because she is doing this for her children.
"The old stable needed to be clean. Clean it and then you can sleep there for the rest of the days you have in this castle." She said as suddenly as she can and moved not needing any response of any kind. She was surprised though that the boy had never spoken, but it was Maester Luwin.
"My lady, I think this is unwise." He was about to go on further but Catelyn snapped before it.
"Maester did I ask for your council?" She was furious. If that was the correct word to describe her state. No it was not.
"No! my lady." He was again looking for more words.
"Then do what you're supposed to do and leave this to me." She said and went without giving a second chance to speak to anyone.
Her irritation was about to dilute when Ser Rodrik begged her leave.
She nodded. Perhaps he wanted to know about the security arrangements of the castle. She thought.
"My lady, I was thinking if I can share my solar with Jon Snow. It has a very big bedchamber and can accommodate two beds easily or it also has another small chamber. My daughter sleeps most of the time with other girls of the castle and…" At first Catelyn could not understand but when she did.
"Then we can sort out a small solar for you Ser. Jon will sleep wherever I commanded him." Her voice was as louder as she could have.
What they fools think I'm doing? They think I am becoming mad. What they know about madness. They will know it tonight. When I'll close this chapter for once and all. Then My Robb would not have to face any threat to his right. He will hate me sure. Everyone will hate me. But I have to do this. Before that woman's love become a full fledged tree, whose roots have been planted by this boy. He has provoked her husband to talk about it. She had left after listening the confession of Lord Eddard Stark about this woman because she could not listen more, so she ran toward her bedchamber, without knowing what she is going to do but now she knows. She thought while lifting the cover of her personal item box and there it was, shining and making glimmer in the dark.
It was an old dagger and surely has not been sharpened for a while, but it will serve. It has to be. Or otherwise. Catelyn shrugged. Or otherwise I will kill myself.
She then waited for the night to come. The night, which is going to wash away all of her sorrows. The wolves of Winterfell fear of the long night. But I will make this night my own way.
"My lady, what you'll have in supper?" One of her maids asked and she refused to eat anything.
I will eat on the morrow when I'll be free from all of these mockeries.
At last the night came and she visited her children one by one. Sansa was sleeping calmly and so was Arya, but Bran was having a nightmare due to the outside storm. Fear not my dear, for this storm is the friend, which will suppress all of his shrieks, if there will be any. Though she had planned to do it as quickly as it can be. One vital wound on the neck or the heart will be enough. He would not even feel the pain. He would thank me in the afterlife.
Slowly she opened the room of the stable and just like outside, a splash of cold air welcomed her in. The door creaked to let everybody know her presence, but nobody noticed it. Once again she thanked the thunder. This night is perfect for this task.
Slowly again she went forward. It took her sometime to figure out where Jon Snow has placed his cot. It was in a corner next to the window. The darkness was everywhere, but after every two or three minutes the storm led her way with a splash of light, bright enough to see a figure curled beneath the furs.
She was now standing and staring at the calmed sleeping face. Every heartbeat was a debt. The face was his husband's.
Just like her Arya.
And suddenly she remembered the way of Arya's sleeping. When Arya sleeps, she doesn't get calm. Every one or two minutes bring some movements across her face. Arya couldn't sleep still.
"Open your eyes Jon Snow." She commanded and slowly he opened them. And smiled.
Was he mocking her? Snake bite.
"I thought I'm going to die in my sleep." He said after looking toward the dagger in her hands. A strange type of confidence was there on his face. For her whole life in the castle of Winterfell, she had never seen this confidence on the boy's face.
"You're not afraid?" She asked with stern face.
"You are doing me a favor and also many other thousands." He said and Catelyn didn't understand.
"Do not think I will not do it. I'm here because I've made my mind." He just nodded same as like Ned. This boy's movements even resemble to those of Ned. Gods, give me strength. I know Ned will hate me for this. He, perhaps, will never talk to me again nor he will look toward me. What will I do then? It was not a snake bite. It was not because…
She saw Jon's plain face. Ned's face. The calmed expressions were changing now. Suddenly Jon was on his feet. She didn't know why but he was running toward her. It was just a realization but soon it was gone. What was she doing? Jon had grabbed the blade just one second before it could tear the flesh.
Her flesh.
She was holding that knife on her stomach and was struggling to strike as hard as she can, but his hands were making it difficult.
"Lady Stark! Please don't do it. Give me the dagger please, don't hurt yourself." Blood was flowing from the tuft of their hands. It was Jon's blood. Because the dagger never hit the target and he had grabbed it from the blade. He was trying to snatch the dagger but she was making it difficult with all of her force.
She was about to pull it again when he snatched it forcefully. For the boy of seven and ten, he had the strength of the youth. He was now looking hurtfully toward her.
Don't look at me like this. She begged through the eyes but no expressed it in words.
What has she done? How can she be so weak? Snake bites.
"She loved you Jon. For more than to bear. She would have never abandoned you…" those were the last words of Ned, she had heard before moving hysterically toward her chamber, and these words were echoing now in her head.
If I had been your mother, I would have never abandoned you. For how a mother can abandon her baby boy. You were just like Robb. The same innocent babe, when I first time saw you. I, however, didn't see a babe there. I saw a woman, more beautiful than me, more courageous than me, more lovable than me.
For one moment, she was standing there and next she was on the floor. Laughing or crying she did not know, but whatever it was, it was intense, because her face was itching because of it. He was just standing there, blank with wounded hands and solemn face. Holding a knife in his hands.
A defeated look was there, on his face. I've disappointed him too. He also wanted to end all of this, because now, he was looking at his hands now.
No! At the knife. He was looking at the knife. A pang of pain filled her stomach. This pain should be earlier, when she was holding that knife.
"Jon!" She called out. He didn't answer though. Just fixed his gaze at her. "Why you said many other thousands? It is just you and me, Right?" She asked and he smiled. Ned's smile. Defeated. Hurt. Disappointed, but a smile.
"You and me!" He said. But there were some other unspoken words too.
"Give me the dagger? I promise I will not try to kill myself and." She asked carefully. "And will not kill you either." She smiled though tears and he joined it hurtfully.
"Then how you'll end it?" He was confused.
"There is another way!" She said looking outside the window. She was sitting on the Stable's dirty floor and had found the support of the nearby wall for her tired head. He glanced at her and then sat on the floor too against his cot.
"What way?" He was interested.
"You'll know on the morn." She said. "I've decided it earlier, that if this..." She pointed at the dagger "..will not work out then I'll adapt the second way. But either way, the suffering shall end." She tried to stand after it but stopped on his voice.
"Lady Stark! I.. I am sorry. I know what my presence brings to you and I should have gone before making it impossible to bear. I tried so many times, but Lord Stark never allowed it." He was sorry for his innocence.
"He is a kind man, He is. A brave man with a kind heart. He tried everything for his family. For you and… ..for me. You will forgive him, right? After.. After ending this?" She glanced at him like he is some sort of puzzle. What the boy is thinking for ending.
"I've already forgiven him." She said. She has. After this night, there will be no suffering, no hatred in her family. Not for Ned, not for me, not for any of my children. Not for any of my two girls and not for any of my four sons.
Yes! My four sons.
If Ned loves Jon's mother then I will be his mother. His only mother that he would ever recall in his memory. I know, it is too late but I will make it certain before my death.
This is the other way of ending this suffering.
GOTGOT